Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Still Ticking...

Hopefully no one panicked about my last post.

Really I am ok.

As much as I can be.

A lot has happened.

And I am worn out and tired.

If I didn't have a nervous breakdown.

I am walking the line.

However I did have an impromptu therapy session last night.

It was a lot, intense and draining, but in the end I felt better.

Much better.

After explaining the episode on Sunday night. When I lost my way for a bit. Took a break, found it again. Then dealt with the fallout from what happened.

After getting all this out. She looked at me and told me that I was running out of steam. The energy it is taking to retain the status quo is enormous at this point and like a deck of cards I come crashing down when something bad happens.


Add in the emotions that are now much stronger then they used to be.

Some people think I am having mood swings.

But really my emotions are pulled so tight and are so raw, and hit me so hard, it looks that way.

When really these are the same emotions I have always had.

Problem is people are now seeing them first hand. I can't hide them. They are going to show.

But working so hard to get by, then getting some free time to get out and enjoy being myself is clashing. Because during those times I am not fighting myself or my nature. I am simply being me.

Then I have to try and put it all away.

On thing she noted to me near the end, was that the whole time I was sitting there talking, telling my story. All she saw was a scared, frustrated, hurt girl, struggling to find her way while dealing with a difficult reality.

(And I must note that since this was impromptu and I was there almost straight from work, I was in total boy mode.)

She told me I have spent years not always understanding this, fighting against it and now that I know that the issue is, understand it, accept it. Continuing along is becoming more and more difficult when you couple that with the fact that me, Kelli, doesn't want that fight anymore.

It is becoming too much.

Something has to change and I feel it is going to be soon.

I don't really know how much longer I can take all this.

The strain is becoming too much.


Gina said...

Hi Kelli! Reading between the lines and listening to the "scared, frustrated, hurt girl" I would have to agree with your statement that something is going to change soon. It is great to try to plan our lives and rationally consider options! But life has a way of just moving forward whether we are ready or not. Knowing you, I think that there is only one direction that is a possibility for your future. And towards fulfillment as a person. It is hard to know where this will lead you and what your future will bring. But this is who you are! Love you! Gina Lee

Kelli Ann Bennett said...

OMG!!!! GINA!!!!

I had no idea the Gina posting on my blog was you!

Awesome! Why is it that two of my most favorite people live on that far coast?

Still great to see you here.