Thursday, October 15, 2009

Someone to lean on

During this journey to find myself. I have searched high and low for someone to talk to.

Someone who felt the same as I did, who understood this unrest and internal disquiet about who you are.

I tried many an avenue.

Online forums, chatrooms, support groups, local CD/Trans watering holes. But I never met someone I connected with who understood.

Or at least I felt would understand me.

Most upon starting a conversation with me would become obvious to me didn't think the same way I did. I don't know how to explain it but it was just there.

Even at a large conference like SCC some of the well establish women who I felt I might connect with intimidated me.

I even tried emailing a few bloggers out there.

Usually nothing came back.

I felt stuck, isolated and alone.

Until one day I did get an answer.

And I had not even sent an email.

I had posted a comment on one of her posts, and she follow it to this blog you are reading now.

And sent me an unsolicited response.

I thanked her for reading my blog and for her wonderful blog, which I connect to a lot of what she had written. (As soon as I read the first entry I ran to the beginning and devoured everything she had posted.)

From there an email exchange began.

And from those email I discovered someone who thought much like I did. Yes we had our differences but I think all of us who walk in these shoes do. But there are still some similarities.

Quite quickly I realized I had found someone who I could mention my thoughts too, what I was feeling, etc and immediately she understood.

This is what I had been craving to find.

We then starting chatting live, beyond the emails. I discovered this wonderful warm and caring person. Not to mention funny and amazingly sweet.

Usually I find it difficult to become someones good friend online only, but yet I surprisingly felt connected to her even though we live so far apart and have yet to meet face to face.

I even didn't mind when she was a little absent during some still major steps in her own transition. I simply appreciated what little time she could give me and was glad to hear she was doing well with everything.

Well with these big steps behind her she has been around a lot more an we have talked at great length. I know we get along very well and I hope she considers me as good a friend as I consider her.

I don't know what I would have done had she not sent me that email so long ago. But I am so glad she did.

Now I know I am at a different point in my journey from her, but she has been so supportive of me that I don't know if I could ever repay her enough. Though I might follow her example of helping others and giving a little time to someone like me once I have my own life's journey completed.

Still I recently discovered she was taking dance lessons. And I think it is great that she is doing this and getting out there and enjoying life.

Though I discovered that her musical knowledge is rather limited (not a fault just a fact) compared to mine.

I took it upon myself to start gathering some material that would suit the style of dance that she is studying.

She might think I am gushing or fawning over her regarding this. But really, for people that mean something to me it is in my nature to do nice things for them. And if I can improve her musical selection and expand her library of tunes I will do so.

It is simply one thing I can do right now to show her how much appreciation I have for the time and supportive words she has given to me, even during some of the busiest times in her life.

(She also might not get just how much fun I am having discovering new music and artists that even I had not heard before. So not only is it something for her I am having a blast doing it. Double bonus!)

So I hope she understand that this is just one way I can say how much her friendship has meant to me.

At least until the day comes that I can finally meet her face to face. Give her a big hug and say two words to her more heartfelt and with greater
sincerity than most when they say them.

"Thank you"