Thursday, October 29, 2009

Option #1

Well...

...what can I say about this one.

Simply put, in nutshell, to sum up.

Transition.

From one gender to the other.

To stop living as a man and become a woman.

Not many people are going to understand this.

Nor agree.

In fact some might down right get pissy at me for it.

But life as it is right now is horrible.

It really is very hard to explain this to the non-transsexual.

Someone once described the issue as going on vacation and constantly thinking you left the iron or stove on.

You might enjoy the vacation, but there is always that nagging feeling that something isn't right.

This has been my life for years.

Every day I get up, get ready and head out the door.

And every day I wonder if I have left the stove on.

It is an insidious nagging feeling that will just not go away.

You are always constantly wondering if you are doing the wrong thing, reacting the wrong way. Saying the wrong thing or sometimes simply trying too hard.

That can be just as obvious as doing something you aren't supposed to do.

But these thoughts sit in the back of your mind. Constantly. Over time it gets worse, you worry about it more and more. About the only thing I can do is distract myself by focusing on something else.

However it is still always there and your anxiety level goes up and up.

Today mine is through the roof.

But how do I know it is linked to Gender?

Well if you have been following along you would know I do a lot of Option #2 right now.

So how do I know this works?

Well when I am in boy mode, I am aware of it. I watch what I do, what I say, I have to react an adjust to things. It's almost like being in a constaint state of alert. You might even say bordering on paranoia.

There is just that intrusive feeling in the back of your mind.

Now when I am in girl mode. It is not there anymore.

Really it's gone. I simply just am. I don't worry about how I act, what I say, etc.

Not to mention when in this mode most people view me as the gender I am presenting them.

It amazes me really, but I guess at this point in the game it shouldn't.

Also it is incredibly rewarding in its own way. Strange as that might sound. But being able to interact with people without worrying about how you are portraying yourself is a fantastic experience. Not to mention a huge reason why this option is even on the table for discussion.

The major issue with this option is the impact this will have on everything and everyone around me.

Work, Family, Friends, etc.

I don't know what will happen, but I know things will happen.

I've learned to adapt in the past and I will do so again.

Some people will view this as the selfish option (not counting #4), but really everything I have done to this point is for the sake of others. To spare them from watching me change.

But maybe it is time for me to do just that, for once, to live my life, on my terms, they way I have always wanted to.

And with a little bit of luck successfully.

That is Option #1

2 comments:

Rebecca said...

You know I've been through all this, and fully understand all sides of the problem... and yet I will be voting for Option #1. I know how miserable you are, and how that isn't going to go away anytime soon. Time to grab the bull by the horns, sweetie. JMHO

Kelli Ann Bennett said...

Lol your opinion is anything but humble. You should know how much I value your advice.

Remember this is an exercise to place everything in front of me and work through it. The idea was if I put it all on the table I would have a clearer picture of what I am going to do.