Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Decision

Before I get into the heart of this post. I just want to say none of this was easy.

But then I guess life never is.

There is a lot of things that crossed my mind while I put this particular post together. My current life and how I live it.

How I have lived the past 34 years.

The emotions.

The confusion.

The depression.

The anxiety.


It is hard to explain to someone how you can exist this long and yet never feel like yourself.

There was simply an amazing amount of things to ponder while I sat down and thought about all of this.

None of it to be taken lightly.

So where did I end up?

Well let us start with the first to be eliminated from contention.

Option #4.

This one bothers me for a number of reasons.

First I love living. I would miss me. I think others would miss me. Even the me that really isn't me.

If that makes any sense.

While it would solve the discomfort issue, the dysphoria, the anxiety. It would allow people to remember the me they knew. Spare them the pain of watching me transition.

The biggest issue is I have always felt doing this was running away from your problems. I've known a few people over the years to do this exact thing. Rather then facing their issues.

And I have ben critical of this and them.

So the thought of doing myself sickens me.

I might have denied or attempted to ignore my issue, that might be defined as running from my issue. But I at least stood up two years ago and told myself I needed to do something about it. Seek help, talk it out, etc. At least I faced it head on.

However, the fact that #4 has been entering my mind, that I have even considered it...

...well it is rather disturbing.

I don't like it.

And I don't ever want to like it.

So option #4 is out.

Moving along.

Option #2 was right behind it.

Simply put, trying to put on two different hats. Living two independent lives, keeping one side from meeting the other.

Well that isn't living either.

Now I understand some need to explore this during therapy, to engage myself in living the other gender. I get it and understood why I did it and continue doing it.

I simply had no issue with it as it was all part of the process.

However living it full time?

For the rest of my live?

How about no?

It is a poor attempt to balance two parts of myself. The one everyone knows, with the one I really am. While keeping them separate to protect others.

It isn't fun.

It sucks.

It is also a poor attempt at trying to satisfy everyone's needs but in effect doesn't do anything for anyone.

Not to mention I cannot fathom myself living like this the rest of my life. Now that I recognize my issue along with finally accepting it, even embracing it. I feel all I am doing is living a lie to everyone else. While trying to carve out a small space for me to be me.

When you realize what was wrong and why, anaylys it, question it, then accept and embrace it, doing anything else is torture.

I can't do it indefinitely. I'll go insane. Enough to possibly allow option #4 to rear its ugly head again.

I know I don't want that.

So #2 is out.

Which brings me to options #1 and #3.

Lets talk #3 shall we?

This one has some merits.

One, I have to some degree, enjoyed my life. It hasn't been all that bad. I have a good job and income. I have a home over my head among other things.

I have a decent family and some good friends.

I get to have fun every now and again. It could be much, much worse.

The role I have played, I have played well. Even managed to like certain parts of it.

But I have come to realize it isn't me.

It is was all constructed for someone else.

The person I played, a role or part for 34 years. Trying to be someone or something else.

While hiding a large part of myself.

From the world.

Simply was not me.

So the thought of trying to bury my transsexualism completely just to be able to continue on this path.

Well, frankly, it disturbs me.


I have a feeling if I attempt this, push it all back into my head. It is only going to fight harder this time to come out. Simply since now that it is out, I feel it really isn't going to want to go quietly.

If fact it will be kicking and screaming.

And if I go down this path I feel the sheer force of that fight will utterly destroy me.

To the point I won't want to go on.

Thus causing #4 once again to enter into view.

Once again that really scares me.

So what does that leave?

Well Option #1.


I've avoided this one since I have always been afraid of it. Not so much for me but for how the rest of the world will view me.

I've done this my entire life.

That and I didn't know that I could change myself enough to alter my refection enough to see myself in the mirror. Instead of what I see now.

So that anything less would torment me, and cause the world to rebel against me simply cause I would be different.

Fear can be a powerful motivator.

But knowing what I know now, who I am. Along with what I can do to accomplish my goals.

It will not be easy.

It will not be simple.

There could be some significant changes to my life in general. I might need to make new friends, I might need to surround myself with better people.

I might even have to look for new employment.

But at least when the dust settles. I can live my life. On my terms.

As me.

And try to live a happy well adjusted life.

That I feel is what is most important. I have done everything for everyone else. To spare their feelings or discomfort. While slowly tearing myself apart with this issue.

I simply cannot do that anymore.

So in an effort to save myself.

Openly and Honestly for a change.

I choose options #1.

It simply has to be.

Anything less at this point would be a failure in my eyes. Dooming me to live a miserable, partial existence. With constant torment and creeping fear that I will not be able to handle it, believing there is only really one way to escape.

Now comes the fun part.

Implementation of said option.

That will be the subject of many a blog post and a long continuing story. That I hope not only you get to read about. But I get to experience.

Stay tuned.


Melissa said...

Good for you Kelli! It sounds like you've thought about this quite thoroughly. I'm 61 and wanted desperately to transition when I was your age. I couldn't find the help I needed to do it, and I'm not sure I could have done it and still kept the job that I had 15 years invested in, so I stuffed my dreams and tried to live as best I could with my GID. Doing that was my biggest regret! I feel almost like I threw half of my life away.

Godspeed on your magnificent journey to self realization!

Melissa XX

Leslie Ann said...

The right choice! I'm living in option #2 with no end in sight. It's frustrating and incomplete and the least selfish way to go while still keeping some sanity. I don't recommend it to any but the desperate. You're going to do great!

Kelli Bennett said...

@Melissa: Yes, I have. My therapist has told me on more then one occasion that I have done an excellent job of researching, exploring, questioning, and thinking it all through as much as I could. She has even told me that she has never had a patient do what I have done.

@Leslie: Here comes the trick. Breaking free from #2. There are a number of large obstacles in the way to achieve this.