Sunday, November 8, 2009

Hiding from the world

While working on the follow up for the options something popped into my mind and I felt the need to write about it.

Several months ago my mother made the comment that growing up I was a bit of a loner. This thought has been rolling around in my head ever since. I just couldn't put my finger on what it as about this that was striking me as odd.

Then I realized something.

As I was driving home from work.

It was true.

Right now I realize the few times I am relaxed and even happy is when I am alone.

Why?

Because it is during those times I can stop stressing out about how I act, what I say, and who I am.

The weight of how I am living disappears.

When I was driving I was enjoying some music, thinking about outfit ideas, recalling a wonderful conversation I had with a friend via IM earlier in the day.

When I noticed this it dawned on me that this was one of the few moments I was free to be me.

Which cause a rather profound thought to enter my brain.

Was it easier when I was younger because I had so much more alone time?

Yeah I had school, but I could go home and be alone for considerable periods of time, or even just shut myself off from my parents, doing homework or what not. Listen to the radio, read, draw. But I didn't have to worry about being 'on' during those times.

Even with friends I got large breaks from them too.

Not to mention summer vacation. Being an early riser most of my friends were still in bed in the morning. So again time to be alone and not worry or stress.

However since leaving school and being in a relationship. I get very, very little time to even just be alone. By myself with no worries and no need to be 'on'. I almost have to do it 24/7.

Which has me thinking maybe if I had this pressure building sooner would I have done something sooner?

Who knows for sure.

But it is definitely something to ponder.

2 comments:

Rebecca said...

Oh, sweetie, I sure know what you mean! All the hours I spent alone growing up, reading, drawing, or dancing and singing to music in my bedroom. Times I felt completely alive and free of the stress of pretending. Soon... soon you will be free...

Gina said...

This has gotten me thinking too! It is really amazing to me how good I have gotten at acting the exact opposite of who I really am. Male vs. female, outgoing vs. shy, authoritative vs. passive, etc. And it really is like banging your head against the wall. It feels so good to stop! And that is what alone time means to me and us. The relief is so intense. I couldn't agree more.