Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The beast within

Ok maybe not a beast per say, since I kinda do like her. However this last weekend was not easy.

At all.

I like to use the bottle of soda analogy. The bottle being the outside person most everyone sees and interacts with. The carbonized contents inside represent who I feel I am.

I'll leave out the bubbly sweetness reference about the contents, but they are true. ;)

The point of the analogy was that outside the container is fixed and predictable. Inside the contents are sometime violate and become pressurized. From time to time I have to let the pressure out. Which I have done so, enough to let me survive so far with these feelings inside me.

Well if the astute readers have been following along you'll know I spent the first week of October at SCC.

It was an amazing 4 days.

But this post isn't about those four days. Nay, they are about the days since. Namely the weekend after. Now while I tried not to think about it something in the back of my mind the first Saturday after SCC wouldn't let me do that.

You see it occurred to me that the week before I was in some comfy, but cute clothes, letting Kelli be Kelli. Not to mention the momentum I had built up the previous three days. I spent the morning doing some convention things after which was lunch, socializing and a trip to the Mall (I did score this killer dress for the formal from Macys).

Which struck me very hard the following week. That I had to be what the world expected. I don't think ever in my life had I ever felt such a malaise. I think I got by when I was younger because I could let some of that personality out (Kelli is very outgoing and talkative) which allowed me to keep the pressure under check. Others just probably chalked it up to being a kid. But I don't get to do that much anymore.

But I digress, but the fact that I had to not be myself hit me, very hard. Harder then I expected and pretty much lasted all weekend.

I didn't do anything drastic, but I was miserable most of the weekend. And that to me isn't right, it was the weekend I should have been having fun or at least relaxing some.

Now why didn't I have this issue during the week you might ask? I was super busy with work and catching up at home since my return. Per usual if I distract myself with things I forget about the issue. This has been harder of late since the distractions just don't seem to work as well. But I had just so much on my plate it was enough until the weekend hit. That is when things slowed down.

And lately Kelli has been just clawing to get out more and more. Which is the reason for the title of this post. I like her, but I've trained myself to hide her at all times unless I can fully let her out. (remember the soda bottle analogy I mentioned earleir?) I have issues with doing the half and half thing, but I will save that for my next post discussing why I live the way I do.

I the mean time I just had to get this out of my head and don't worry I will be bringing it up in therapy next week.


Rebecca said...

Well, you did better than I did, when I attended CA Dreamin' for 4 days back in April. I was a mess for the 3 days afterwards, at work! At least you made it to the weekend. What you're feeling sucks, but is very normal. Expect it to happen each time you do a big event, but the impact should lessen the further you transition. At least it did for me. Glad you made it through :-) xoxo

Kelli Ann Bennett said...

Well I do think if I had the free time when I got back it would have hit me harder. As I posted I was simply so busy, it was there, but in the background. As soon as the weekend hit I had nothing to distract me and thus not only did it hit me all at once, but I would imagine it was gathering intensity all week.