Friday, October 31, 2008

Life would be easier if...

...I was beautiful, rich, popular...


Now a lot of people hear the phrase "Life would be easier if I was a girl."

This stirs the straw in a lot of peoples drinks and does so differently for each one.

Now I understand where natal girls are coming from. They see the sexism, the unequal pay, male privilege, <insert complaint here>.

I get that.

The biggest one that gets me is the work thing. See, I've been in my career field for 12 years. I've had to fight, claw, bite, scratch, punch my way to get where I am at today. Where I should have been in half that time if I had male privilege.

And I presented myself as a clean cut, professional, hardworking, white male. Living the lie so to speak.

Seriously I cannot count the times I was called in to solve issues that people who got paid much more then me couldn't fix.

My favorite story was fixing a problem that existed for three days in 45 minutes. It was then I realized I needed to leave that company since the engineer who had been assigned to fix it three days before was paid twice as much as I was.

So no I haven't seen a lot of male privilege in my career. I've seen others get opportunities handed to them on a silver platter. While I had to earn every little bit that I got.

And some of that was very hard to earn.

Sound familiar?

I think what most people fail to realize is how crippling and counter productive the dysphoria can be. A trans person can be so caught up and consumed by the disconnect they feel between their body and mind they lose the ability to just live life. Whatever that might bring.

Really it happens I know I have experienced it myself far too much recently. I just want to stop fighting myself and live my life they way I want. I respect it will change. I respect and expect that life in generally isn't going to become a blissful existence. But it would be nice to live it as myself and not have to fight the internal struggle that I do.

I also hear that transitioning isn't going to solve my other problems.

Guess what?

I don't really have any.


I have never abused any chemicals. I don't suffer from depression (well recently in coming to accept who I am has caused me some depression regarding not living as I feel I should, I just never had a history of it), ADD, or any other mental issues for that matter.

Some would argue I have a temper issue, but really I feel this is a result of pent up emotions I am not allowed to express not to mention the frustration of failing to live up to the expectations of others. Even thought I have worked so hard to be what others expected of me. Going above and beyond sometimes to make others happy. It hurts more then you can understand when that happens.

The only issue I have is Gender Dysphoria and GID.

My therapist even stated to me recently that I am the most well adjusted, intelligent, well informed, thoughtful gender disorder client she has had. I'm not claiming to be perfect but some of these others that she described were train wrecks.

No one is claiming life is easy, but when you place something like GID and Gender Dysphoria on top of it. Well it only makes matters worse. I feel I just want the torment to end so I can live my life as best that I can. Regardless of gender and what that gender might bring. It hasn't been so easy for me so far so to me it would just be more of the same.

So yes I agree that being a woman isn't any easier. But my belief is that life in general isn't easy doesn't matter what gender you are. But for some of use we want to end the crippling feelings that being confused about our gender brings and just deal with life issues from that point whatever they are. Good or bad.

Seriously I have long lived by the phrase "Life sucks! Get a f'ing helmet." The idea behind it is that life is going to throw stuff at you no matter who or what you are. Just deal with it as best you can and enjoy life as best you can. That statement just reminds me that at any moment something lousy can come your way. No matter how hard you try to avoid it.

So yes, at that point I do see the reason behind my open phrase, and where it comes from. Even if others don't. It is stated that way because a trans person just wants to be themselves without the distraction of who they are in conflict with who they are not.

At least that is the way I see it.


alan said...

You are right about life throwing stuff at you no matter what...a 4 letter word might somehow be a better description, though if I force myself to stop and think about it, I know in reality I've caught as many good things unexpectedly as bad you always end up feeling that you were "due" for those! (Back to Hedy Lamarr's theory about life being like a pendulum.)

Almost 30 years ago, and not long after the career I just retired from began I was told that there were "Type A" personalities, and everyone else, and I was one of the latter. Perhaps I shouldn't have accepted it, but I did, and just did the best I could at what was set in front of me.

I'm still not assertive, and never will be.

If you can transition and find peace within yourself, then you will be better off than 98% of the rest of the populace. To know yourself well enough to know that is what you need to do puts you better off than most!

And truly, when it comes down to it, being at peace with ourselves is worth more than anything we could have!

So, though the rest of the world may not change, being able to change your view of it is what will make it better; what's not to like?

And who knows what other doors that may open?