Thursday, October 16, 2008

The history of Kelli - Part I

So now for the background, the skinny, the 411 on me.

Well I guess the best place to start is the beginning.

First, there was nothing, then a loud bang!

Ok, ok, I know waaaaay too far back. Sorry I just couldn't resist.

Ok, so when I was little and old enough to remember I don't recall thinking anything was wrong. I guess I just felt I was me. I do remember doing some things differently. I was interested in girls things just as much as boys things. I was just as comfortable running and playing baseball or collecting stuffed animals and playing house.

I guess you could say that I was rather gender fluid when it came to interests. At such a young age I just didn't really understand the big difference between boys and girls.

Then as I got older things occurred that reminded me of this fact.

First, in my neighborhood there were about 15 of us on the block within a 4 year range. Most of us even closer then that. Even more of us in the same grade scattered throughout the neighborhood. (This comes into play as we get older and can roam further.)

(Add into this I had a brother who was eight years older then I was, uber macho, etc.)

One day, I cannot recall what happened exactly. All I know is on afternoon a few of us were together. Four boys (including me) and three girls. We were all outside and discussing what we wanted to do, when the girls decided to go off and do something rather girly. (I cannot recall what, I just know if was something). When I heard this I thought it was a great idea, I know I wanted to tag along.

That is until the boys crinkled their noes and looked at me like I was crazy. I don't recall what was said, just that is was said.

For the first time ever I felt shame about what I wanted to do.

I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing, wasn't approved of by my peers. I hung my head and stayed with the boys letting the girls go off and do their thing.

Even as I got older I did hang out with the girls quite a bit, but not very often as part of a larger group to avoid scrutiny. I learned how to jump-rope, bake and even how girls where supposed to wear their clothes. Now while I never did the crossdress thing at such a young age I do remember being jealous of their clothes, but resigned myself to the fact that I was a boy.

Really what else was I supposed to do.

So along with the fun things I did with the girls I did the boys things too. I played with trucks, baseball, or whatever else I was supposed to do with the boys. Again I didn't hate all of it, when I think about it had I been born a girl I very much would have been a tomboy as I grew up.

I dealt with this in silence confused as to why I like both sides of the gender fence. Granted I felt far more comfortable with the girls then I did with the boys.

Little did I know what it meant and what to do about it.

I'll cover the preteen years next.