Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I only play one on Television

In the whole process of coming to terms with who and what I am, I have discovered a lot about myself.

The one thing that amazes me recently is how well I compartmentalized my mind to allow it to function the way I needed it.

Or the way people expected it to function.


In other words I learn to take those feeling, thoughts, etc and box them away into tight, dark, and securely locked corners of my head. Thus if I didn't think about it in the first place I wouldn't have to check my words or action so tightly.*

That doesn't mean it didn't happen, I just learned what not to say and do so well over the years it's become second nature almost to know immediately to ignore some thought passing by rather then blurt it out and cause eyebrows to raise. (which isn't to say it didn't happen from time to time. I just managed to avoid it from happening for the most part.)

Until now.

As I strip down the barriers, open the doors. I find these thoughts right at the front again. In a lot of cases it will be the first thing I think of. I still manage to catch myself before I do something foolish. As I am still early on in the transition process. He has to still exist for the most part.

I now see myself dealing with more of "ok how would he answer this". Fortunately my sense of humor, which has always been silly, goofy, yet sarcastic and snarky. Isn't changing. Honestly that is one of the biggest reasons I was able to survive for as long as I did and be able to function. I totally relied on my sense of humor to carry me though most situations throughout most of my life.

'Laugh and the world laughs with you.'

It's just now more then ever I feel I am playing a part on a daily basis and I long to drop the facade quite often and just be myself.

I also find it a wonderful release when I am able to do so.

Which makes it all that much more amazing when I think about how powerful the mind is. But it also saddens me to know that for so many years how much I was oppressing myself.

*I learned to push other aspects of my personality forward since people would expect those traits. Fortunately some of those traits run in the family including in the girls.