Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Bright Spot
Well I managed to make it through the holiday season without gaining a pound.
I weight the same today as I did November 1st.
No, I don't starve myself and I did enjoy the food at all the parties. I just watched how much and was on the treadmill without fail.
Getting down to a manageable weight just takes dedication and desire.
I weight the same today as I did November 1st.
No, I don't starve myself and I did enjoy the food at all the parties. I just watched how much and was on the treadmill without fail.
Getting down to a manageable weight just takes dedication and desire.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
One Headlight
Well as I have mentioned here I have been doing the holidays as him this year. It will be the last year I do so. If I have anything to say about it.
While awkward it had been manageable.
However Christmas Eve I spent with my family. These are the people who bear or have borne my last name.
These are the people I have spent the most time with growing up.
In that group are four first cousins that are all girls.
Three of them and myself are close in age. We all graduated HS in about a six year span. We also worked together at the same summer job for about two years. At least that was the length of time we were all there.
I think you get the point that most of us were close.
Spending time with them growing up allowed me some freedom to be myself.
So I always looked forward to seeing them at Christmas Eve.
That looks like it might have changed.
So this last Eve I did my best him, put on a shirt and tie...god how I hate them...styled my hair and away we went.
Now the evening for the most part was fine.
Though I think everyone did a double take when I walked in trying to figure out who I was.
And one of my cousins made mention after giving me a hug that I seemed a little thin. (Well for a guy I am)
I spent time catching up, chatting, talking with all the little ones. The older ones now in college and the cousins I grew up with.
Things were fine and I wasn't too uncomfortable.
As I mentioned I do like them and I was hoping that of any part of my family they would be my best hope for support when I come out.
Late in the evening I had moved across the room to talk to my Aunt about my trip to Alaska I had taken in August.
Before I got to tell those stories something else came up.
I am not sure what prompted it or cause it. But my eldest cousin starting telling a story about being out at a restaurant or tavern with her daughter and another friend of my cousins'.
She started to relate how they were sitting at a bar, I think, and she heard click-clack across the floor and looking over someone else shoulder she saw 'it'.
She was stunned and horrified that she could not take her eyes off only what could be described as a man in a dress. Burly and lumbering to the bathroom. Then 'it' marched back to where ever 'it' was sitting.
She was horrified, shocked and disgusted by what she saw. She joked about the terrible dress and bad wig. There were comments from her party about how they wanted to know what bathroom 'it' used. Coupled with a fair number of jokes along with some anti-gay ones.
I honestly don't know what exactly was said at this point. I was simply too stunned and sad to even register the exact words.
All I saw was the callous attitude and disgust in her voice along with the chorus of the others around her.
I also watched my hope of support from these people sink like a stone. I was literally kicked in the stomach as this happened.
As I mentioned I had moved across the room to talk to my Aunt. I am thankful I had done this as it placed me on the far side of the room with my back to most everyone else.
Only my Aunt could see my face and I don't think she was paying attention to me. All I can hope is that I held everything in enough, along with keeping my face expressionless enough not to be noticed.
Now understand there is a part of the transgender community that I don't connect with. I don't identify myself as a crossdresser nor do I think I fit in with them. There is an aspect of it that even I find a bit disturbing or even creepy. They think they get me and don't. Along with I don't understand most of them.
There is a time and place for everything, but some people are just too over the top and being out in general public might not be the best idea.
So there might have been some justification in this person's appearance for the criticism. I don't know and I cannot comment.
It is the attitude I saw that worried me because as I don't feel I fit in with the crossdressing community I do worry that others might only see me as such and do their best to remind me of this fact as I transition. This is my biggest fear.
And that isn't just me. I am glad my therapist has told me the same thing along with several others.
I cannot tell you how glad I was that I didn't have to stay much longer then this and I was able to go home and spend the rest of the night on the couch with my stuffed moose trying not to cry to much, but I was miserable.
It is a reason I might have to walk away from the life I now have to get the life I want. Otherwise they might not be able to accept me and be detrimental to my transition. I don't feel it is running away as much as removing the obstacle from my path.
But today I feel as if the road I am traveling just became a little dimmer as I lost a bit more light to see it by.
While awkward it had been manageable.
However Christmas Eve I spent with my family. These are the people who bear or have borne my last name.
These are the people I have spent the most time with growing up.
In that group are four first cousins that are all girls.
Three of them and myself are close in age. We all graduated HS in about a six year span. We also worked together at the same summer job for about two years. At least that was the length of time we were all there.
I think you get the point that most of us were close.
Spending time with them growing up allowed me some freedom to be myself.
So I always looked forward to seeing them at Christmas Eve.
That looks like it might have changed.
So this last Eve I did my best him, put on a shirt and tie...god how I hate them...styled my hair and away we went.
Now the evening for the most part was fine.
Though I think everyone did a double take when I walked in trying to figure out who I was.
And one of my cousins made mention after giving me a hug that I seemed a little thin. (Well for a guy I am)
I spent time catching up, chatting, talking with all the little ones. The older ones now in college and the cousins I grew up with.
Things were fine and I wasn't too uncomfortable.
As I mentioned I do like them and I was hoping that of any part of my family they would be my best hope for support when I come out.
Late in the evening I had moved across the room to talk to my Aunt about my trip to Alaska I had taken in August.
Before I got to tell those stories something else came up.
I am not sure what prompted it or cause it. But my eldest cousin starting telling a story about being out at a restaurant or tavern with her daughter and another friend of my cousins'.
She started to relate how they were sitting at a bar, I think, and she heard click-clack across the floor and looking over someone else shoulder she saw 'it'.
She was stunned and horrified that she could not take her eyes off only what could be described as a man in a dress. Burly and lumbering to the bathroom. Then 'it' marched back to where ever 'it' was sitting.
She was horrified, shocked and disgusted by what she saw. She joked about the terrible dress and bad wig. There were comments from her party about how they wanted to know what bathroom 'it' used. Coupled with a fair number of jokes along with some anti-gay ones.
I honestly don't know what exactly was said at this point. I was simply too stunned and sad to even register the exact words.
All I saw was the callous attitude and disgust in her voice along with the chorus of the others around her.
I also watched my hope of support from these people sink like a stone. I was literally kicked in the stomach as this happened.
As I mentioned I had moved across the room to talk to my Aunt. I am thankful I had done this as it placed me on the far side of the room with my back to most everyone else.
Only my Aunt could see my face and I don't think she was paying attention to me. All I can hope is that I held everything in enough, along with keeping my face expressionless enough not to be noticed.
Now understand there is a part of the transgender community that I don't connect with. I don't identify myself as a crossdresser nor do I think I fit in with them. There is an aspect of it that even I find a bit disturbing or even creepy. They think they get me and don't. Along with I don't understand most of them.
There is a time and place for everything, but some people are just too over the top and being out in general public might not be the best idea.
So there might have been some justification in this person's appearance for the criticism. I don't know and I cannot comment.
It is the attitude I saw that worried me because as I don't feel I fit in with the crossdressing community I do worry that others might only see me as such and do their best to remind me of this fact as I transition. This is my biggest fear.
And that isn't just me. I am glad my therapist has told me the same thing along with several others.
I cannot tell you how glad I was that I didn't have to stay much longer then this and I was able to go home and spend the rest of the night on the couch with my stuffed moose trying not to cry to much, but I was miserable.
It is a reason I might have to walk away from the life I now have to get the life I want. Otherwise they might not be able to accept me and be detrimental to my transition. I don't feel it is running away as much as removing the obstacle from my path.
But today I feel as if the road I am traveling just became a little dimmer as I lost a bit more light to see it by.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Holiday Joy
Before I unleash a depressing post about the holidays I wanted to get this one out.
Someone near and very dear to my heart sent me this for Christmas.
Yeah, I am not a bear girl. I am totally into Moose. Don't know why I just am. I just love 'em
Isn't she the cutest?
Someone near and very dear to my heart sent me this for Christmas.
Yeah, I am not a bear girl. I am totally into Moose. Don't know why I just am. I just love 'em
Isn't she the cutest?
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Whats in a name?
Well...
...as you might know Kelli Bennett is not my actual name.
Shocking I know.
I am not sure how I latched onto the name Kelli but I like it, it has been with me for a long time.
I answer to it.
I recognize it.
It is me.
I will not let go of it.
(Couple this with the fact that I found out my parents were going to name me after my mother had I actually been born a girl. I would still change my name if that was the case. No offense to my mother but that would have drove me nuts. What were they thinking?)
So when the name change happens, which I plan on timing for going full time, I will stick with Kelli.
I like too much now not to use it.
However the big quandary is my last name.
Bennett, isn't mine.
Obviously.
Mine is a rather identifiable ethnic name. Common enough in the native country to be well know, and unique enough here to have people ask me all the time of I know such and such.
(And no I was born here in the US. Third generation at least.)
Other then my parent, brothers, uncle, two nephews and the one cousin who didn't get married.
The answer is no.
However I am rather partial to it.
It has long been an identifying moniker for me. Heck even my nickname, which is the first initial of my last name. Has been that way for 25 years.
I have a rather common first name and there were several of us in my HS including a few in my graduating class. So to seperate us my last name was used.
Which got shortened to just the first letter.
It is me, I like it, I also like my last name. Part of me will miss that.
I could however keep it. Instead of becoming Kelli Bennett. I could instead choose Kelli <current last name>. It does actually fit, has a nice ring to it. The nickname could still be used.
No I won't post what it is here. Again too identifying while I am pre-transition and not fully out.
The problem here is I like both.
I am so not sure what to do with this one.
*sigh*
...as you might know Kelli Bennett is not my actual name.
Shocking I know.
I am not sure how I latched onto the name Kelli but I like it, it has been with me for a long time.
I answer to it.
I recognize it.
It is me.
I will not let go of it.
(Couple this with the fact that I found out my parents were going to name me after my mother had I actually been born a girl. I would still change my name if that was the case. No offense to my mother but that would have drove me nuts. What were they thinking?)
So when the name change happens, which I plan on timing for going full time, I will stick with Kelli.
I like too much now not to use it.
However the big quandary is my last name.
Bennett, isn't mine.
Obviously.
Mine is a rather identifiable ethnic name. Common enough in the native country to be well know, and unique enough here to have people ask me all the time of I know such and such.
(And no I was born here in the US. Third generation at least.)
Other then my parent, brothers, uncle, two nephews and the one cousin who didn't get married.
The answer is no.
However I am rather partial to it.
It has long been an identifying moniker for me. Heck even my nickname, which is the first initial of my last name. Has been that way for 25 years.
I have a rather common first name and there were several of us in my HS including a few in my graduating class. So to seperate us my last name was used.
Which got shortened to just the first letter.
It is me, I like it, I also like my last name. Part of me will miss that.
I could however keep it. Instead of becoming Kelli Bennett. I could instead choose Kelli <current last name>. It does actually fit, has a nice ring to it. The nickname could still be used.
No I won't post what it is here. Again too identifying while I am pre-transition and not fully out.
The problem here is I like both.
I am so not sure what to do with this one.
*sigh*
Monday, December 21, 2009
Kelli 101
Ok, so as we all know I do not yet live full time.
Though the intention to do so is there.
I will tell you that I have been planning my diabolical scheme for quiet sometime.
Granted it will interfere with my desire for global domination.
Really, who wouldn't want to be Queen of the World?
But I am digressing.
I will tell you however that I have been putting certain things into motion.
Along with being in the planning stage for a few others.
I might have mentioned this in bits and pieces in previous posts, but I figured I would gather them all up here and give you an idea of where I intend to go.
First I starting therapy almost two years ago.
I had been fighting my feelings since I was a child, but in the few years before therapy I simply was losing the battle. I felt it was time to talk to someone about them finally.
(I had the chance when I was much younger and I completely chickened out, and I mean chickened out, tail between my legs. It was this moment that had me so ashamed and scared that I made the conscious effort to bury them. I would put myself around 13)
So on the a recommendation I called the therapist I now have.
And that turned out to be a match that could not have gone better. For one she is known as a tough letter. She is not going to form an opinion of you in a session or two and give her stamp of approval. She mentioned this right up front in case I was looking for the fast track. I wasn't, I wanted someone to question me, challenge me, listen, observe, suggest and offer a little guidance.
But I did not want someone to tell me what I should do.
I got all that and then some.
She has let me draw my own conclusions, come to accepting myself for who I am. Yet made sure I was being smart and intelligent about it.
She is rather proud of how thoroughly and carefully I have gone about all this. At this point I think she is just waiting for me to initiate full time. She has mentioned she doesn't see any reason for me to not transition.
Which leads me to the point at which she offered a letter for HRT so that I could start hormones.
It took some time to find a Doctor. But I found one familiar with the process. Has helped a number of girls and I felt comfortable with him.
Let me tell you the local University Trans programs was a huge disappointment.
I have now been on them for seven months and I honestly can say I have never felt better. Except for the fact that the longer I am on them the more I chafe at playing the role of a man.
That is has been covered already.
Moving along I was able to find a quality laser hair removal clinic (for those looking please stay away from IPL, trust me).
After 3 sessions I am seeing fantastic results. I would guess 70% of my facial hair is gone if not more.
I have two more left after that I will probably have to clear anything up with electrolysis.
As for the plan to fully transition and yes I do intend to. I know I have to live full time as a woman.
I will have to make some changes do facilitate this as I don't want to rely on the wigs I have been using and makeup(though that part has gotten much better with the hair removal.)
The goal is to be able to wake up in the morning, brush my hair, wash my face, maybe throw on a little gloss and walk out the door. With John Q. Public not being the wiser.
So I am planning on some facial surgery to help facilitate this. I don't think I need a heavy amount of work, but there are some areas that need to be addressed. I met with a few of the surgeons at SCC this year and I wasn't impressed with most of them. Their approach seemed too aggressive. I did meet one there who I've seen his work both before and after and he does a wonderful job. Plus he didn't tell me what he was going to do, but actually asked what I wanted. Then and only then did he add his opinions. Which were really just some tweaks he felt were needed to tie everything in together.
I am looking into a second doctor located in the Chicago area who doesn't advertise his work in the trans arena. Yet he does quite a few cases and the work I have seen is outstanding. So I am trying to setup a consult with him to get more info. But he liked the sample pictures I sent him along with being in agreement with what I wanted to do. Along with tempering how much to do.
I love that approach.
The rest is trying to plan how to move forward with my life. I have a feeling I am going to have to do most of this on my own. I feel I will have too much resistance from those around me (at least the ones how know me as him) to complete this successfully. I may get some support but I simply have decided that it isn't going to be there and prepared myself for such.
I am good with that. I don't mind starting over and rebooting my life. As long as I am me in the end that is all that matters.
This covers it for now I think. I will post more when I have it.
Though the intention to do so is there.
I will tell you that I have been planning my diabolical scheme for quiet sometime.
Granted it will interfere with my desire for global domination.
Really, who wouldn't want to be Queen of the World?
But I am digressing.
I will tell you however that I have been putting certain things into motion.
Along with being in the planning stage for a few others.
I might have mentioned this in bits and pieces in previous posts, but I figured I would gather them all up here and give you an idea of where I intend to go.
First I starting therapy almost two years ago.
I had been fighting my feelings since I was a child, but in the few years before therapy I simply was losing the battle. I felt it was time to talk to someone about them finally.
(I had the chance when I was much younger and I completely chickened out, and I mean chickened out, tail between my legs. It was this moment that had me so ashamed and scared that I made the conscious effort to bury them. I would put myself around 13)
So on the a recommendation I called the therapist I now have.
And that turned out to be a match that could not have gone better. For one she is known as a tough letter. She is not going to form an opinion of you in a session or two and give her stamp of approval. She mentioned this right up front in case I was looking for the fast track. I wasn't, I wanted someone to question me, challenge me, listen, observe, suggest and offer a little guidance.
But I did not want someone to tell me what I should do.
I got all that and then some.
She has let me draw my own conclusions, come to accepting myself for who I am. Yet made sure I was being smart and intelligent about it.
She is rather proud of how thoroughly and carefully I have gone about all this. At this point I think she is just waiting for me to initiate full time. She has mentioned she doesn't see any reason for me to not transition.
Which leads me to the point at which she offered a letter for HRT so that I could start hormones.
It took some time to find a Doctor. But I found one familiar with the process. Has helped a number of girls and I felt comfortable with him.
Let me tell you the local University Trans programs was a huge disappointment.
I have now been on them for seven months and I honestly can say I have never felt better. Except for the fact that the longer I am on them the more I chafe at playing the role of a man.
That is has been covered already.
Moving along I was able to find a quality laser hair removal clinic (for those looking please stay away from IPL, trust me).
After 3 sessions I am seeing fantastic results. I would guess 70% of my facial hair is gone if not more.
I have two more left after that I will probably have to clear anything up with electrolysis.
As for the plan to fully transition and yes I do intend to. I know I have to live full time as a woman.
I will have to make some changes do facilitate this as I don't want to rely on the wigs I have been using and makeup(though that part has gotten much better with the hair removal.)
The goal is to be able to wake up in the morning, brush my hair, wash my face, maybe throw on a little gloss and walk out the door. With John Q. Public not being the wiser.
So I am planning on some facial surgery to help facilitate this. I don't think I need a heavy amount of work, but there are some areas that need to be addressed. I met with a few of the surgeons at SCC this year and I wasn't impressed with most of them. Their approach seemed too aggressive. I did meet one there who I've seen his work both before and after and he does a wonderful job. Plus he didn't tell me what he was going to do, but actually asked what I wanted. Then and only then did he add his opinions. Which were really just some tweaks he felt were needed to tie everything in together.
I am looking into a second doctor located in the Chicago area who doesn't advertise his work in the trans arena. Yet he does quite a few cases and the work I have seen is outstanding. So I am trying to setup a consult with him to get more info. But he liked the sample pictures I sent him along with being in agreement with what I wanted to do. Along with tempering how much to do.
I love that approach.
The rest is trying to plan how to move forward with my life. I have a feeling I am going to have to do most of this on my own. I feel I will have too much resistance from those around me (at least the ones how know me as him) to complete this successfully. I may get some support but I simply have decided that it isn't going to be there and prepared myself for such.
I am good with that. I don't mind starting over and rebooting my life. As long as I am me in the end that is all that matters.
This covers it for now I think. I will post more when I have it.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
And the winner is...
I deserve an academy award.
Really I do.
And here is why.
My friends know him...but they don't know me.
At all.
Here is how I know this.
I had the opportunity to go out with a friend of mine. He and I have known each other for almost 20 years now. We crossed paths in HS right around the time I had been dumped by the previous crowd I had been hanging with.
We had a class together, found we liked a lot of the same books, games, some sports, movies, and a very similar sense of humor.
We simply got along.
And if I did do something odd or out of character he always just chalked it up as me being weird, or making an snarky comment about it and moving along.
His circle of friends became mine. We where all a little different. Not quite freak & geeks, but not in the popular or jock crowds either. Just a big mash up of personalities that didn't fully fit anywhere else. But I will say out of all of them I was closest to him.
But he still has now idea who I am.
So I put my best guy on and headed out the door. (I am so thankful that my silly obnoxious sense of humor works for both Kelli and him. I've learned in the past year that if I didn't have this I would have fallen apart years ago and who know what might have happened. I may not have been ready for this like I am now.)
While out being his wingman. (This so cracks me up.) we enjoyed a few frosty adult beverages and talked about many a thing. This was the first time I have gone out with him in a few years, along with not having talked with him much lately at all.
So we caught up.
Really other then my work we talked about everyone else but me. See how that works?
During the course of the night we landed on the topic of another friend of ours (who showed up later, after work, I might add.)
My friend noted to me that out of all of us the third friend was most in touch with is emotions.
Why am I always drinking something when someone says something funny or startling.
I nearly choked on my beverage.
He had no idea.
His comment was based on the fact that our third friend actually showed his emotions more then anyone in the group. Not very often but he does wear them on his sleeve a bit more.
I am far more in touch with my emotions then most of them.
I just never, if ever, showed them.
And there were times I wanted to yell at anyone of them. Calling them an insensitive neanderthals. I have stood in the middle of them wanting to cry like a child but held it in until I could release. Or I let all these repressed emotions out in anger. I have clashed with a few of them now and again.
I have also bailed these people out in sticky situations, driven them home when they were unable to do so. I even recall herding these two along with a third through the streets of Chicago when they could barely stand and I was the only sober one. They don't realize how much of a mother to them I have been.
I was simply a good friend.
(I think I failed to mention I was the one driving this night yet again.)
I remember when I had suffered a devastating lost of a relationship, everyone thought I was handing it really well. I was dying inside the entire time, crying myself to sleep every night for nearly three weeks.
Yet no one ever knew this.
I learned over the years though practice, what I could do or not do in front of these people. I repressed parts of myself and worked within those traits and feelings that wouldn't alert people to my issue. I point you to this post again.
I crafted and lived him almost perfectly.
I just never realized how good I was at it until this night out.
He told me I was a good friend who was easy to get along with. Beyond that I don't think he knows anything about me other than the few likes and dislikes I have shown him.
Never mind I was checking out all the guys as they walked in and he was always commenting on the girls. I just looked to see what they were wearing.
Even when he commented on the bartenders (both pretty women) and I was more into what they were wearing.
I don't know what will happen to these relationships. Some I might keep, some I might not, once I start disclosing who I really am.
Cause due to my talent at being someone else. They don't know me at all.
However it was nice to see him again and talk. It may end up being the last time. But it was worth it.
...and in closing I would like to thank the academy...
Really I do.
And here is why.
My friends know him...but they don't know me.
At all.
Here is how I know this.
I had the opportunity to go out with a friend of mine. He and I have known each other for almost 20 years now. We crossed paths in HS right around the time I had been dumped by the previous crowd I had been hanging with.
We had a class together, found we liked a lot of the same books, games, some sports, movies, and a very similar sense of humor.
We simply got along.
And if I did do something odd or out of character he always just chalked it up as me being weird, or making an snarky comment about it and moving along.
His circle of friends became mine. We where all a little different. Not quite freak & geeks, but not in the popular or jock crowds either. Just a big mash up of personalities that didn't fully fit anywhere else. But I will say out of all of them I was closest to him.
But he still has now idea who I am.
So I put my best guy on and headed out the door. (I am so thankful that my silly obnoxious sense of humor works for both Kelli and him. I've learned in the past year that if I didn't have this I would have fallen apart years ago and who know what might have happened. I may not have been ready for this like I am now.)
While out being his wingman. (This so cracks me up.) we enjoyed a few frosty adult beverages and talked about many a thing. This was the first time I have gone out with him in a few years, along with not having talked with him much lately at all.
So we caught up.
Really other then my work we talked about everyone else but me. See how that works?
During the course of the night we landed on the topic of another friend of ours (who showed up later, after work, I might add.)
My friend noted to me that out of all of us the third friend was most in touch with is emotions.
Why am I always drinking something when someone says something funny or startling.
I nearly choked on my beverage.
He had no idea.
His comment was based on the fact that our third friend actually showed his emotions more then anyone in the group. Not very often but he does wear them on his sleeve a bit more.
I am far more in touch with my emotions then most of them.
I just never, if ever, showed them.
And there were times I wanted to yell at anyone of them. Calling them an insensitive neanderthals. I have stood in the middle of them wanting to cry like a child but held it in until I could release. Or I let all these repressed emotions out in anger. I have clashed with a few of them now and again.
I have also bailed these people out in sticky situations, driven them home when they were unable to do so. I even recall herding these two along with a third through the streets of Chicago when they could barely stand and I was the only sober one. They don't realize how much of a mother to them I have been.
I was simply a good friend.
(I think I failed to mention I was the one driving this night yet again.)
I remember when I had suffered a devastating lost of a relationship, everyone thought I was handing it really well. I was dying inside the entire time, crying myself to sleep every night for nearly three weeks.
Yet no one ever knew this.
I learned over the years though practice, what I could do or not do in front of these people. I repressed parts of myself and worked within those traits and feelings that wouldn't alert people to my issue. I point you to this post again.
I crafted and lived him almost perfectly.
I just never realized how good I was at it until this night out.
He told me I was a good friend who was easy to get along with. Beyond that I don't think he knows anything about me other than the few likes and dislikes I have shown him.
Never mind I was checking out all the guys as they walked in and he was always commenting on the girls. I just looked to see what they were wearing.
Even when he commented on the bartenders (both pretty women) and I was more into what they were wearing.
I don't know what will happen to these relationships. Some I might keep, some I might not, once I start disclosing who I really am.
Cause due to my talent at being someone else. They don't know me at all.
However it was nice to see him again and talk. It may end up being the last time. But it was worth it.
...and in closing I would like to thank the academy...
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Phone Booth
I can only imagine this is how Superman felt. Getting up everyday, knowing who you really are. Yet having to disguise it every single day.
I don't know how he felt about it, but it is totally starting to wear on me.
Seriously, I look in my closet every morning and hate what I see.
Never mind I am refusing to buy any new men's clothes.
I hate them.
They aren't me.
Simply a costume I have to hide me.
But I get up, pick something out, plaster my hair down to attempt to hide the length. (I think I am failing in that regard)
Gather my wits, thoughts, trying to put on my game face, and head out the door for the day.
Can someone stop this bus now?
I would like to get off.
I don't know how he felt about it, but it is totally starting to wear on me.
Seriously, I look in my closet every morning and hate what I see.
Never mind I am refusing to buy any new men's clothes.
I hate them.
They aren't me.
Simply a costume I have to hide me.
But I get up, pick something out, plaster my hair down to attempt to hide the length. (I think I am failing in that regard)
Gather my wits, thoughts, trying to put on my game face, and head out the door for the day.
Can someone stop this bus now?
I would like to get off.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Freedom
I haven't heard this song in quite some time. It popped up on my satellite radio on the way home from work yesterday. Listening to the lyrics I came home and googled them, my goodness this one hit home.
I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
cause I would really, really love to stick around, oh yeah
Heaven knows I was just a young boy
Didn't know what I wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirl's pride and joy
And I guess it was enough for me
To win the race? A prettier face!
Brand new clothes and a big fat place
On your rock and roll TV
But today the way I play the game is not the same
No way
Think I'm gonna get myself happy
I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man
All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy
What a kick just a buddy and me
We had every big shot good-time band on the run boy
We were living in a fantasy
We won the race
Got out of the place
I went back home got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy
I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I stopped the show
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Don't think that I'll be back again
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man
All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me, yea yea
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were built to last
That's what you get,
That's what you get,
That's what you get,
I say that's what you get
That's what you get for changing your mind
That's what you get for changing your mind
That's what you get,
That's what you get,
And after all this time
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes
Do not make the man
All we have to do now is take these lies
And make them true somehow
All we have to see is that i don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Yea you've got to give for what you, give for what you give
May not be what you want from me
Just the way it's got to be
Lose the face now
I've got to live I've got to live
I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
cause I would really, really love to stick around, oh yeah
Heaven knows I was just a young boy
Didn't know what I wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirl's pride and joy
And I guess it was enough for me
To win the race? A prettier face!
Brand new clothes and a big fat place
On your rock and roll TV
But today the way I play the game is not the same
No way
Think I'm gonna get myself happy
I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man
All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy
What a kick just a buddy and me
We had every big shot good-time band on the run boy
We were living in a fantasy
We won the race
Got out of the place
I went back home got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy
I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I stopped the show
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Don't think that I'll be back again
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man
All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me, yea yea
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were built to last
That's what you get,
That's what you get,
That's what you get,
I say that's what you get
That's what you get for changing your mind
That's what you get for changing your mind
That's what you get,
That's what you get,
And after all this time
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes
Do not make the man
All we have to do now is take these lies
And make them true somehow
All we have to see is that i don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Freedom,
Freedom,
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Yea you've got to give for what you, give for what you give
May not be what you want from me
Just the way it's got to be
Lose the face now
I've got to live I've got to live
Monday, December 14, 2009
There is a bomb on this bus...
...and if it drops below 50 it'll exploded.
Ever feel like you are a passenger in your own life?
And that the vehicle you are riding on is running out of control in a dangerous situation?
It is certainly how I am feeling right now.
I think it has been a slow build up to this point but I think I see it clearer then I ever have before. For a number of reasons.
First, and this was noted by my therapist this week, when I stated something like "I can't go forward with life now that I know who I am. This IS me and I know that now. He isn't me at all."
Or something along those lines, I cannot remember exactly what I said because her next statement caught me off guard.
She stopped me right after I said this and told me she was surprised a bit. I, in all the time I have been seeing her, have never sounded so sure, confident and certain of myself. About who I was. The fact that if just came out so forcefully caught her of guard. She noted to that she has been seeing me for who I am for the last several months, but could see me struggling with full and complete acceptance.
And she didn't want to tell it to me, she had been trying to nudge me towards my own acceptance. She feels I won't have the ability to transition if I didn't full accept it myself and drew that conclusion without anyone tell it to me. I had to do it on my own.
Smart woman that one.
So I know I am there. I am ready for this. I know who I am without a shadow of doubt. At this point I understand the urge, the desire, the tidal wave of moving forward. I know who I am and I want to live my life the way I should always have.
Yet...
...there is a massive amount of momentum carrying me the wrong way.
I imagine this is what the it must be like when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object.
His life, isn't mine anymore. I see that so clearly now it isn't even funny.
But due to the choices I have made I cannot start transitioning right now.
Yes I do need some time to settle the finances, I am close but it should have been better. And had I not put myself into the mess I currently am in I could probably could start right now. At the very least I would have more freedom to start arranging my life as I needed in preparation.
I have been doing some things as much as I can. I have had three session of laser hair removal to which I am astounded at the results. I finally was able to setup a session with a speech therapist to work on my voice. I have been on hormones for the last 6 months. Everything is going wonderful with those and I feel great. When I don't have the pressure to be him, the world just feels right to me. For the first time ever in my life.
And this also is causing issue within 'His' life. I am finding more and more my skills at staying hidden are slipping. I am bleeding through like crazy and it is almost better for me to shut my mouth and not say anything at all. Because if I do say something she is there and I am catching it too late.
This was incredibly apparent at a recent family function. I wasn't even thinking some times I was just reacting...then realizing I was doing things I shouldn't or have never done before. Gestures, vocal patterns, etc.
I found it was easier to shut my mouth and not do or say anything. The sad part is that isn't any better because that isn't me either.
Hence the reason I am starting to feel like a passenger in my own life. That someone else is doing the driving and all I can do is pray I avoid disaster.
Matters at home don't help this at all either.
I have long felt like a second class citizen in my own home. In the past I tried to be responsible, supportive, and frankly went above the call of duty on things. It was my goal to make it all work so that wouldn't be issues.
I don't feel that way today. I have been belittled, forgotten, ignored, or just felt plain unimportant. Some of it may seem small and insignificant but it all adds up, and every little bit that has gotten striped away leave less resolve to even bother to try and hang on to it.
Yes, we have done counseling together, I have pointed out the things she has done to me in an effort to amend her ways. To at least show her it hurt, and how it was affecting me.
Add to that the fact that as another woman, her and I don't get along. I am seeing this more and more. I am more outgoing, flirtatious, snarky, personable and down right not afraid to be myself. This rankles her and causes us to clash.
When that happens I get snotty back because I am tired of being controlled or belittled. To me it is just a continuation of what I have already mentioned just different reasons for doing it.
I have been worn down to the point where honestly there isn't anything left. If I could walk away right now I would. I wouldn't look back or regret that. It simply has run it's course and nothing can be done to save it.
(in all fairness I know there are some things that I have done over the years that I can and I will openly take the blame for. But my responses to a lot of things have been the direct result of not being taken seriously by her in the first place. For each action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'll admit sometimes they were bad, but when you pen up feelings you have in an effort to be someone else the release can be ugly.)
I do feel bad about the impact my decision while have. But honestly I feel like a new toy a child gets on Christmas and mistreats it until it is broken beyond repair. I honestly don't think she will understand what she as done to me.
Yet, still, there I am riding along because I cannot get anyone to stop the bus so that I may get off.
I just hope the bomb doesn't explode.
Ever feel like you are a passenger in your own life?
And that the vehicle you are riding on is running out of control in a dangerous situation?
It is certainly how I am feeling right now.
I think it has been a slow build up to this point but I think I see it clearer then I ever have before. For a number of reasons.
First, and this was noted by my therapist this week, when I stated something like "I can't go forward with life now that I know who I am. This IS me and I know that now. He isn't me at all."
Or something along those lines, I cannot remember exactly what I said because her next statement caught me off guard.
She stopped me right after I said this and told me she was surprised a bit. I, in all the time I have been seeing her, have never sounded so sure, confident and certain of myself. About who I was. The fact that if just came out so forcefully caught her of guard. She noted to that she has been seeing me for who I am for the last several months, but could see me struggling with full and complete acceptance.
And she didn't want to tell it to me, she had been trying to nudge me towards my own acceptance. She feels I won't have the ability to transition if I didn't full accept it myself and drew that conclusion without anyone tell it to me. I had to do it on my own.
Smart woman that one.
So I know I am there. I am ready for this. I know who I am without a shadow of doubt. At this point I understand the urge, the desire, the tidal wave of moving forward. I know who I am and I want to live my life the way I should always have.
Yet...
...there is a massive amount of momentum carrying me the wrong way.
I imagine this is what the it must be like when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object.
His life, isn't mine anymore. I see that so clearly now it isn't even funny.
But due to the choices I have made I cannot start transitioning right now.
Yes I do need some time to settle the finances, I am close but it should have been better. And had I not put myself into the mess I currently am in I could probably could start right now. At the very least I would have more freedom to start arranging my life as I needed in preparation.
I have been doing some things as much as I can. I have had three session of laser hair removal to which I am astounded at the results. I finally was able to setup a session with a speech therapist to work on my voice. I have been on hormones for the last 6 months. Everything is going wonderful with those and I feel great. When I don't have the pressure to be him, the world just feels right to me. For the first time ever in my life.
And this also is causing issue within 'His' life. I am finding more and more my skills at staying hidden are slipping. I am bleeding through like crazy and it is almost better for me to shut my mouth and not say anything at all. Because if I do say something she is there and I am catching it too late.
This was incredibly apparent at a recent family function. I wasn't even thinking some times I was just reacting...then realizing I was doing things I shouldn't or have never done before. Gestures, vocal patterns, etc.
I found it was easier to shut my mouth and not do or say anything. The sad part is that isn't any better because that isn't me either.
Hence the reason I am starting to feel like a passenger in my own life. That someone else is doing the driving and all I can do is pray I avoid disaster.
Matters at home don't help this at all either.
I have long felt like a second class citizen in my own home. In the past I tried to be responsible, supportive, and frankly went above the call of duty on things. It was my goal to make it all work so that wouldn't be issues.
I don't feel that way today. I have been belittled, forgotten, ignored, or just felt plain unimportant. Some of it may seem small and insignificant but it all adds up, and every little bit that has gotten striped away leave less resolve to even bother to try and hang on to it.
Yes, we have done counseling together, I have pointed out the things she has done to me in an effort to amend her ways. To at least show her it hurt, and how it was affecting me.
Add to that the fact that as another woman, her and I don't get along. I am seeing this more and more. I am more outgoing, flirtatious, snarky, personable and down right not afraid to be myself. This rankles her and causes us to clash.
When that happens I get snotty back because I am tired of being controlled or belittled. To me it is just a continuation of what I have already mentioned just different reasons for doing it.
I have been worn down to the point where honestly there isn't anything left. If I could walk away right now I would. I wouldn't look back or regret that. It simply has run it's course and nothing can be done to save it.
(in all fairness I know there are some things that I have done over the years that I can and I will openly take the blame for. But my responses to a lot of things have been the direct result of not being taken seriously by her in the first place. For each action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'll admit sometimes they were bad, but when you pen up feelings you have in an effort to be someone else the release can be ugly.)
I do feel bad about the impact my decision while have. But honestly I feel like a new toy a child gets on Christmas and mistreats it until it is broken beyond repair. I honestly don't think she will understand what she as done to me.
Yet, still, there I am riding along because I cannot get anyone to stop the bus so that I may get off.
I just hope the bomb doesn't explode.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Things I thought I would never hear
So at the grocery store shopping this weekend.
Again not being full time yet (goodness that cannot come fast enough now) I am in total boy mode.
So I thought.
I'm standing at the deli counter getting some salad goodies for lunch this week. Not realizing I was standing right in front of the ticker dispenser.
A man came up behind me in the attempt to get a number.
I heard "Excuse me Sir. *pause* I am sorry, I mean ma'am"
Really?
I wasn't even trying, I was in hat, ski jacket and baggy jeans.
He did take a second glance, but never said anything. I am not even sure he ever knew what to think.
I'm still giggling and even surprised by it now.
I just never thought I would hear it when dressed like that.
Again not being full time yet (goodness that cannot come fast enough now) I am in total boy mode.
So I thought.
I'm standing at the deli counter getting some salad goodies for lunch this week. Not realizing I was standing right in front of the ticker dispenser.
A man came up behind me in the attempt to get a number.
I heard "Excuse me Sir. *pause* I am sorry, I mean ma'am"
Really?
I wasn't even trying, I was in hat, ski jacket and baggy jeans.
He did take a second glance, but never said anything. I am not even sure he ever knew what to think.
I'm still giggling and even surprised by it now.
I just never thought I would hear it when dressed like that.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Post cards from the edge
Just so no one is alarmed the last post wasn't anything bad, just a reflection of what I am feeling.
I caught the song on my mp3 player recently and it struck a nerve, but I didn't understand why until just the other day.
I know I am going to transition, it might take me a while to start living full time (early plans are before year's end in 2010) I realized my life as him will come to a close.
I got that, understood it, and don't have any complaints.
However I have noted something rather profound.
I play the part of him so well. That no one, not even my parents knows who I am.
Really I spent 20 years learning how to act like a guy. Studied and learned.
Being naturally inquisitive helped. I know a lot regarding a lot of topics.
I might not follow sports like most, but I understand them. I am not going to be confused when around them.
And some of them I actually like.
It is things like that that I am noticing.
Being at my parents for thanksgiving (and no they don't know about me yet)
My dad started talking football. What can I do, I played along. Again I learned from those around me how the game is played, etc. So I can answer the questions or make comments when I need to.
However I have never been one to sit down and blow a Sunday watching, I never had that obcession with most sports that way.
(I'll make the exception for Ice Hockey, I love it. Granted I only watch the local home team and have no interest in it any other time. But as a child I was taken to a lot of the games and just though it was so cool to see a game played on ice that way. So the playoffs in the spring are my only sporting obsession)
Though I do watch the olympics, and I will watch games when they have some meaning or my favorite team is playing in a big game. I like to cheer for them.
But the rest of the time I don't follow everything that is going on. Nor get angry when they don't win. That is all part of life.
It happens.
But I learned them, I felt I had to, also being an active child didn't hurt, I liked to run and jump so I did participate from time to time with those that suited me. Most didn't.
So while I can and do enjoy them sometimes, they were only ever a large part of my life due to the fact that those around them enjoyed them.
The next thing that struck me was things that came up during a recent car pooling trip with a friend. We live and work reasonably close to one another so in order to save a little we have been trying to drive together a few days a week.
Now this friend falls into the more geekier group that I hung out with. I had a very active imagination. Music, art, theater, reading were big in my childhood, still are. So I kinda gravitated toward that crowd to a degree. Plus it was an accepting group since my oddness I exposed was mostly overlooked.
So we stopped on the way home this week since he is a comic book collector. I know, his age and still reading comic books, but there are some good stories in there if you can find them.
Me? I'll stick to novels, but I did read a few in my younger days. In my history I mentioned reading a lot to escape my reality or as much of it as I could.
Certain things were discussed and I found myself pulling out memories that served their purpose for the discussion but seem to me they were items I pulled off the shelf for reference. Much like I did when I was talking to my father about football.
So I have this all swirling around in my head thinking about how much my life has been moving from one distraction to another, while trying to find some peace within myself.
This is one reason I spent so much time alone when I was younger. It just allowed me to free myself from the struggle to maintain who I was for appearance sake and not think about anything in particular.
Add into that the fact that I am struggling so much at home. I feel so disconnected from who I am living as now.
That is when I heard the song again the one I posted in my last post.
And it hit very hard.
These memories while mine are not me.
My life while mine is not me.
Today they feel dead to me.
I caught the song on my mp3 player recently and it struck a nerve, but I didn't understand why until just the other day.
I know I am going to transition, it might take me a while to start living full time (early plans are before year's end in 2010) I realized my life as him will come to a close.
I got that, understood it, and don't have any complaints.
However I have noted something rather profound.
I play the part of him so well. That no one, not even my parents knows who I am.
Really I spent 20 years learning how to act like a guy. Studied and learned.
Being naturally inquisitive helped. I know a lot regarding a lot of topics.
I might not follow sports like most, but I understand them. I am not going to be confused when around them.
And some of them I actually like.
It is things like that that I am noticing.
Being at my parents for thanksgiving (and no they don't know about me yet)
My dad started talking football. What can I do, I played along. Again I learned from those around me how the game is played, etc. So I can answer the questions or make comments when I need to.
However I have never been one to sit down and blow a Sunday watching, I never had that obcession with most sports that way.
(I'll make the exception for Ice Hockey, I love it. Granted I only watch the local home team and have no interest in it any other time. But as a child I was taken to a lot of the games and just though it was so cool to see a game played on ice that way. So the playoffs in the spring are my only sporting obsession)
Though I do watch the olympics, and I will watch games when they have some meaning or my favorite team is playing in a big game. I like to cheer for them.
But the rest of the time I don't follow everything that is going on. Nor get angry when they don't win. That is all part of life.
It happens.
But I learned them, I felt I had to, also being an active child didn't hurt, I liked to run and jump so I did participate from time to time with those that suited me. Most didn't.
So while I can and do enjoy them sometimes, they were only ever a large part of my life due to the fact that those around them enjoyed them.
The next thing that struck me was things that came up during a recent car pooling trip with a friend. We live and work reasonably close to one another so in order to save a little we have been trying to drive together a few days a week.
Now this friend falls into the more geekier group that I hung out with. I had a very active imagination. Music, art, theater, reading were big in my childhood, still are. So I kinda gravitated toward that crowd to a degree. Plus it was an accepting group since my oddness I exposed was mostly overlooked.
So we stopped on the way home this week since he is a comic book collector. I know, his age and still reading comic books, but there are some good stories in there if you can find them.
Me? I'll stick to novels, but I did read a few in my younger days. In my history I mentioned reading a lot to escape my reality or as much of it as I could.
Certain things were discussed and I found myself pulling out memories that served their purpose for the discussion but seem to me they were items I pulled off the shelf for reference. Much like I did when I was talking to my father about football.
So I have this all swirling around in my head thinking about how much my life has been moving from one distraction to another, while trying to find some peace within myself.
This is one reason I spent so much time alone when I was younger. It just allowed me to free myself from the struggle to maintain who I was for appearance sake and not think about anything in particular.
Add into that the fact that I am struggling so much at home. I feel so disconnected from who I am living as now.
That is when I heard the song again the one I posted in my last post.
And it hit very hard.
These memories while mine are not me.
My life while mine is not me.
Today they feel dead to me.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Dead Memories
Sitting in the dark, I can't forget.
Even now, I realize the time I'll never get
Another story of the bitter pills of fate
I can't go back again
I can't go back again
But you asked me to love you, and I did.
Traded my emotions for a contract to commit
And when I got away, I only got so far
The other me is dead
I hear his voice inside my head
And we were never alive
And we won't be born again
But I'll never survive
With dead memories in my heart
Dead memories in my heart
You told me to love you, and I did.
Tied my soul into a knot and got me to submit
So when I got away, I only kept my scars
The other me is gone
Now I don't know where I belong
And we were never alive
And we won't be born again
But I'll never survive
With dead memories in my heart
Dead visions in your name
Dead fingers in my veins
Dead memories in my heart
Even now, I realize the time I'll never get
Another story of the bitter pills of fate
I can't go back again
I can't go back again
But you asked me to love you, and I did.
Traded my emotions for a contract to commit
And when I got away, I only got so far
The other me is dead
I hear his voice inside my head
And we were never alive
And we won't be born again
But I'll never survive
With dead memories in my heart
Dead memories in my heart
You told me to love you, and I did.
Tied my soul into a knot and got me to submit
So when I got away, I only kept my scars
The other me is gone
Now I don't know where I belong
And we were never alive
And we won't be born again
But I'll never survive
With dead memories in my heart
Dead visions in your name
Dead fingers in my veins
Dead memories in my heart
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The 411
Ok, since some people might be curious I am going to attempt to give you some information about me.
Now these are topics I usually try to avoid.
Really.
At SCC I get asked these all the time and I usually don't comment or try to avoid it.
I know a lot of girls are not as fortunate as I am. I also am very modest about myself.
So here is a rough idea of what I look like.
Without heels I stand 5'8" and one half.
I weight 140lbs currently (don't get all jealous at one point in my life I was up to 190lbs.)
Prior to starting hormones my measurements were 35-29-39 (bust-waist-hips) I have always had those, granted the waist has fluctuated a bit. See above.
I'll post the update on those when I reach the one year mark (May 2010). As I said I don't obsess over myself so I haven't remeasured yet.
I have small wrists, hands and feet. Yes, I wear an 8.5 woman's shoe, typically.
However I still have shoulders that while not bulky are wider then usual, I have a straighter rib cage.
As for my face I have a little bit of everything, an angled jaw(which I would like to keep. Think Mini Driver, Gwyneth Paltrow) I do have a squarish chin. Which will have to change a bit.
My nose is larger but not huge, again it will need some work.
MY biggest issue is my forehead and hairline. I have moderate brow and a bit of a bony forehead. When you place that up against the fact that I have a naturally high hairline well it just screams man.
I will say that what little hair loss I was starting to see is disappearing, Propecia and Estrogen has worked wonders. I just need to get it longer and alter the front hairline.
As I have mentioned to my therapist most of my issues are from the neck up.
Including what is in my head.
For example I was being self-effacing during a therapy session earlier this year, and my therapist who is female, stopped me and said: "You have no idea how much of an attractive woman you make do you?"
I was a little taken aback by this comment. I told her I was aware of some things that I was thankful for, but I do know there are thing about me that are not. Maybe I hide them well but I know they are there. So the answer was no.
And that is what I think it boils down too. I don't really care how good I look. I know I wasn't born a girl like I should have been. I know even with a transition I am going to have this past that isn't typical. I think maybe even though I can look good, I still see traces of him in the mirror, and that is what worries me, does the rest of the world see it too?
I guess this would be the reason I have still have concern over it and know that I will have to make some changes.
Now these are topics I usually try to avoid.
Really.
At SCC I get asked these all the time and I usually don't comment or try to avoid it.
I know a lot of girls are not as fortunate as I am. I also am very modest about myself.
So here is a rough idea of what I look like.
Without heels I stand 5'8" and one half.
I weight 140lbs currently (don't get all jealous at one point in my life I was up to 190lbs.)
Prior to starting hormones my measurements were 35-29-39 (bust-waist-hips) I have always had those, granted the waist has fluctuated a bit. See above.
I'll post the update on those when I reach the one year mark (May 2010). As I said I don't obsess over myself so I haven't remeasured yet.
I have small wrists, hands and feet. Yes, I wear an 8.5 woman's shoe, typically.
However I still have shoulders that while not bulky are wider then usual, I have a straighter rib cage.
As for my face I have a little bit of everything, an angled jaw(which I would like to keep. Think Mini Driver, Gwyneth Paltrow) I do have a squarish chin. Which will have to change a bit.
My nose is larger but not huge, again it will need some work.
MY biggest issue is my forehead and hairline. I have moderate brow and a bit of a bony forehead. When you place that up against the fact that I have a naturally high hairline well it just screams man.
I will say that what little hair loss I was starting to see is disappearing, Propecia and Estrogen has worked wonders. I just need to get it longer and alter the front hairline.
As I have mentioned to my therapist most of my issues are from the neck up.
Including what is in my head.
For example I was being self-effacing during a therapy session earlier this year, and my therapist who is female, stopped me and said: "You have no idea how much of an attractive woman you make do you?"
I was a little taken aback by this comment. I told her I was aware of some things that I was thankful for, but I do know there are thing about me that are not. Maybe I hide them well but I know they are there. So the answer was no.
And that is what I think it boils down too. I don't really care how good I look. I know I wasn't born a girl like I should have been. I know even with a transition I am going to have this past that isn't typical. I think maybe even though I can look good, I still see traces of him in the mirror, and that is what worries me, does the rest of the world see it too?
I guess this would be the reason I have still have concern over it and know that I will have to make some changes.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Things that make you go hmmmm.
As I have been out and about presenting myself in the correct but yet opposite gender I get one question repeated to me.
Now this has come from a number of sources.
Unprompted and never requested.
Simply they get to know me. Spend time with me and just seem to ask this question.
"How do you manage to live as a guy?"
This has been quite common recently.
As I mentioned I never ask anyone what they think, or prompt for it. The person in question looks at me at some point asks if they may as me a question.
I acknowledge that they can and I get some variation of what I quoted above.
I am flattered that I get this question and at first I was totally surprised when I started to.
Simply because I don't do anything when I am out as me. I just let myself be natural, take of the restrictions so to speak and just be me.
However most of these questions have come from within the Trans community so I do take them with a grain of salt. But the fact that they have come more and more frequently has still surprised me.
But I have never been as surprised as where it came from this last weekend.
Earlier this summer I was out at a local gay club which is know to be Trans friendly (I go about once a month, or when I have nothing else better. It works in a pinch you could say. It is a comfortable for me and I do have some dear friends that go quite often. I even spend time with them outside of the club so it isn't like I only see them there.). But there I was, that fateful weekend in June, hanging out catching up on things and I meet two guys there. They are good friends with each other and with the friends I mentioned but this was the first time I have met the two of them.
Now these two are gay, but I have no issue with sexuality not to mention they are adorable, sweet, charming witty and fun. I had a fantastic time getting to know them. Since then I have added them to my circle of friends and I simply adore those two.
(I think one of the biggest reasons I like them so much is they are open and honest. There is simply no pretense or posturing. I find that refreshing.)
But...
...I had not seen them much since that time. Chatting with them via phone or text but our paths simply were never crossing.
However this last weekend I went out to the venue in question, with the holidays coming up I didn't have a lot of options but as I said it is fun safe place for me to go.
My friends where there and we were having fun when one of the illustrious two showed up. During the course of the evening we started talking then moved to the lower level where it is a little quieter to talk and hang out. I ended up spending the better part of my evening chatting, checking out boys, being silly, and having a great time with him.
It totally confirmed my first impression of how cool a person he was. I know for sure now that my world will be a better place with him in it.
During the course of the night, the conversation was directed toward me. B (as I'll call him, and R for his partner in crime.) tells me that I am very cool girl, but that He and R were totally surprised, when they first met me, that I wasn't born a girl.
I am surprised by this statement since I feel there are enough flaws to get me read. Maybe not all the time but they can and do. So as of yet I am still wary, better as I get out more but still wary. I know they are there.
So I question him on it as to what he means.
His reply was something like this: "Well we came in, started talking to S & J (the mutual friends) and noticed this really cute blonde standing with them. (I guess that makes me the really cute blonde, lol) But we were really confused."
"You were? Why?"
"Well, there you were, cute and perky, dressed well but not over the top, you don't have broad shoulders, you have a great waist line not to mention a very cute butt and hips. Great hair, you aren't very tall and your facial features weren't even standing out to us. But we knew who you were talking to and where you were. We even noticed as we talked to you that you didn't act like a guy or sound like one. We were just really confused cause you stood out as an actually girl in a gay bar hanging our with Transgendered girls. We totally did not know."
I was really shocked by this statement, I figured they had to know, but as we talked a little more B mentioned a texting conversation I had with R a few weeks later after the first meeting(R had given me his phone number before I left) where R wanted to know if he could ask me a question about something. Which in this case was my gender status. I was honest and told him, but B told me that until I had answered that question they still didn't know for sure.
I was totally blown away by this statement since if anything I figured they would have read me.
So I questioned him on this by asking the very poignant question of "Really?"
He looked at me and said:
"Kelli, I have been sitting here for the last hour or so and all I see is a cute vibrant woman talking to me. If I didn't actually know I wouldn't still have a clue."
I'm still shocked by this statement. It even came again later after we had moved back upstairs do the dance area and a Lady GaGa song came on. B happens to have a thing for her and suddenly grabbed my wrist and drags me out onto the dance floor where we stayed for about five songs. He mentions to me just before we took a break, that I so did not dance like a guy and was quite a good dancer.
Did I mention yet that I adore these two?
I think the real difference is the source of where if came from this time that has me so stunned. I figured the two of them had to know, but just didn't have an issue with it. Nothing like what was revealed to me until this last weekend.
While we were still downstairs he did question me on if I only intended to do this part time or what I was going to do.
I explained to him that I can barely get through the day without feeling like I am tearing myself apart. That now that I know who and what I am, I fully intend to transition.
He thought it was wonderful and while he couldn't ever fathom doing what I was going to do. He was totally supportive.
But again at the end of the day I was totally surprised that these two naturally assumed I was born a woman. Since it isn't my intention to 'fool' anyone. I am just simply being myself.
Still it was very profound to hear it.
Now this has come from a number of sources.
Unprompted and never requested.
Simply they get to know me. Spend time with me and just seem to ask this question.
"How do you manage to live as a guy?"
This has been quite common recently.
As I mentioned I never ask anyone what they think, or prompt for it. The person in question looks at me at some point asks if they may as me a question.
I acknowledge that they can and I get some variation of what I quoted above.
I am flattered that I get this question and at first I was totally surprised when I started to.
Simply because I don't do anything when I am out as me. I just let myself be natural, take of the restrictions so to speak and just be me.
However most of these questions have come from within the Trans community so I do take them with a grain of salt. But the fact that they have come more and more frequently has still surprised me.
But I have never been as surprised as where it came from this last weekend.
Earlier this summer I was out at a local gay club which is know to be Trans friendly (I go about once a month, or when I have nothing else better. It works in a pinch you could say. It is a comfortable for me and I do have some dear friends that go quite often. I even spend time with them outside of the club so it isn't like I only see them there.). But there I was, that fateful weekend in June, hanging out catching up on things and I meet two guys there. They are good friends with each other and with the friends I mentioned but this was the first time I have met the two of them.
Now these two are gay, but I have no issue with sexuality not to mention they are adorable, sweet, charming witty and fun. I had a fantastic time getting to know them. Since then I have added them to my circle of friends and I simply adore those two.
(I think one of the biggest reasons I like them so much is they are open and honest. There is simply no pretense or posturing. I find that refreshing.)
But...
...I had not seen them much since that time. Chatting with them via phone or text but our paths simply were never crossing.
However this last weekend I went out to the venue in question, with the holidays coming up I didn't have a lot of options but as I said it is fun safe place for me to go.
My friends where there and we were having fun when one of the illustrious two showed up. During the course of the evening we started talking then moved to the lower level where it is a little quieter to talk and hang out. I ended up spending the better part of my evening chatting, checking out boys, being silly, and having a great time with him.
It totally confirmed my first impression of how cool a person he was. I know for sure now that my world will be a better place with him in it.
During the course of the night, the conversation was directed toward me. B (as I'll call him, and R for his partner in crime.) tells me that I am very cool girl, but that He and R were totally surprised, when they first met me, that I wasn't born a girl.
I am surprised by this statement since I feel there are enough flaws to get me read. Maybe not all the time but they can and do. So as of yet I am still wary, better as I get out more but still wary. I know they are there.
So I question him on it as to what he means.
His reply was something like this: "Well we came in, started talking to S & J (the mutual friends) and noticed this really cute blonde standing with them. (I guess that makes me the really cute blonde, lol) But we were really confused."
"You were? Why?"
"Well, there you were, cute and perky, dressed well but not over the top, you don't have broad shoulders, you have a great waist line not to mention a very cute butt and hips. Great hair, you aren't very tall and your facial features weren't even standing out to us. But we knew who you were talking to and where you were. We even noticed as we talked to you that you didn't act like a guy or sound like one. We were just really confused cause you stood out as an actually girl in a gay bar hanging our with Transgendered girls. We totally did not know."
I was really shocked by this statement, I figured they had to know, but as we talked a little more B mentioned a texting conversation I had with R a few weeks later after the first meeting(R had given me his phone number before I left) where R wanted to know if he could ask me a question about something. Which in this case was my gender status. I was honest and told him, but B told me that until I had answered that question they still didn't know for sure.
I was totally blown away by this statement since if anything I figured they would have read me.
So I questioned him on this by asking the very poignant question of "Really?"
He looked at me and said:
"Kelli, I have been sitting here for the last hour or so and all I see is a cute vibrant woman talking to me. If I didn't actually know I wouldn't still have a clue."
I'm still shocked by this statement. It even came again later after we had moved back upstairs do the dance area and a Lady GaGa song came on. B happens to have a thing for her and suddenly grabbed my wrist and drags me out onto the dance floor where we stayed for about five songs. He mentions to me just before we took a break, that I so did not dance like a guy and was quite a good dancer.
Did I mention yet that I adore these two?
I think the real difference is the source of where if came from this time that has me so stunned. I figured the two of them had to know, but just didn't have an issue with it. Nothing like what was revealed to me until this last weekend.
While we were still downstairs he did question me on if I only intended to do this part time or what I was going to do.
I explained to him that I can barely get through the day without feeling like I am tearing myself apart. That now that I know who and what I am, I fully intend to transition.
He thought it was wonderful and while he couldn't ever fathom doing what I was going to do. He was totally supportive.
But again at the end of the day I was totally surprised that these two naturally assumed I was born a woman. Since it isn't my intention to 'fool' anyone. I am just simply being myself.
Still it was very profound to hear it.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Adventures in the wild
So there I was standing in a local bagel store.
Having just taken my puppy dogs for a romp through the park.
So on the drive back home we swung into the store for some noms
Now while there the clerks behind the counter were having an interesting discussion on what a woman would prefer as a gift.
A cool cell phone or a cute purse.
Now the clerks consisted of two women and one guy. I believe the guy had posed the question initially (I wasn't quite there for the beginning of it) and from the course of the conversation I think he was looking for a gift idea for someone significant to him.
But I digress.
So the two women both said purses they can use them to hold things and as fashion accessories.
His was the typical guy response, "But you can do cool things with the phone and stay connected to people! A bag just holds things"
(Now before I go any further I would like to state with the women I know. It is almost a 50/50 toss up. Quite a few of them could not live without their phones, so I know they would go for the phone. While a fair number would still like the purse. It is an interesting question.)
When he came down the counter to hand us our order he promptly asked my associate what she would prefer.
Her answer?
The phone.
At this point he was excited about balancing out the voting so he turned to me and asked what I thought.
Quite pointedly I deflected the question by replying:
"Oh, don't ask me! I am totally staying out of this one."
Why?
Cause in boy mode my answer wouldn't fit.
Cause while I would actually have no issue with either as a gift.
I would prefer the cute purse.
Having just taken my puppy dogs for a romp through the park.
So on the drive back home we swung into the store for some noms
Now while there the clerks behind the counter were having an interesting discussion on what a woman would prefer as a gift.
A cool cell phone or a cute purse.
Now the clerks consisted of two women and one guy. I believe the guy had posed the question initially (I wasn't quite there for the beginning of it) and from the course of the conversation I think he was looking for a gift idea for someone significant to him.
But I digress.
So the two women both said purses they can use them to hold things and as fashion accessories.
His was the typical guy response, "But you can do cool things with the phone and stay connected to people! A bag just holds things"
(Now before I go any further I would like to state with the women I know. It is almost a 50/50 toss up. Quite a few of them could not live without their phones, so I know they would go for the phone. While a fair number would still like the purse. It is an interesting question.)
When he came down the counter to hand us our order he promptly asked my associate what she would prefer.
Her answer?
The phone.
At this point he was excited about balancing out the voting so he turned to me and asked what I thought.
Quite pointedly I deflected the question by replying:
"Oh, don't ask me! I am totally staying out of this one."
Why?
Cause in boy mode my answer wouldn't fit.
Cause while I would actually have no issue with either as a gift.
I would prefer the cute purse.
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