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Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Early Christmas!
Just a quick little post.
My company gets musical artists in now and again for little concerts in our larger building.
Normally about fifty people show up, hang out and listen to good music.
This happens about three of four times a year.
Today was different.
Over 200 hundred plus showed up and the little lobby area they set this up in was PACKED!!!
Who was there?
None other than two of my favorite artists.
Tegan & Sara
The only major issue is they are so tiny and the crowd so big you could hardly see them.
Hard to imagine this time last year I hated to leave my desk. Today, I got to enjoy a four song set by them and even got my picture taken with them(though I am still waiting for them to upload those photos). I did snap a few with my iPhone before I had to make the journey back to my desk.
I loved it and them even more now.
Soon I will see them in concert!!!!
Great little early xmas present. Even if it did not exactly have my name on it!!!
My company gets musical artists in now and again for little concerts in our larger building.
Normally about fifty people show up, hang out and listen to good music.
This happens about three of four times a year.
Today was different.
Over 200 hundred plus showed up and the little lobby area they set this up in was PACKED!!!
Who was there?
None other than two of my favorite artists.
Tegan & Sara
The only major issue is they are so tiny and the crowd so big you could hardly see them.
Hard to imagine this time last year I hated to leave my desk. Today, I got to enjoy a four song set by them and even got my picture taken with them(though I am still waiting for them to upload those photos). I did snap a few with my iPhone before I had to make the journey back to my desk.
I loved it and them even more now.
Soon I will see them in concert!!!!
Great little early xmas present. Even if it did not exactly have my name on it!!!
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
One Year Later
It is really hard to believe that a year ago I was about to go full time.
At this point last year my company knew.
My department and co-workers knew.
Things were about to change rather radically.
There was to be no more switching back and forth. I would not have to pretend to be a boy anymore(not like I was succeeding very well trying).
Emotionally I was all over the place wondering if this really was going to go over well.
Or was I just going to fall flat on my face.
It is interesting to sit here one year later and think about all of it.
Reflecting on my nerves those first few weeks
Which were only about the office. Really, outside of work life had already shifted so much and since the general public didn't know any better, life was easy there.
I found it hard to even walk into the office back then. I just did not want to be that person anymore.
That doesn't mean I wasn't scared those first few days. Even with all the due diligence that I did. The soul searching. The personal exploration. I was still scared.
How could I not be?
Yet with all that here I am one year later and things have gone extremely well.
Who knew however that all of what was to come was going to happen. The Good, The Bad, and The Blonde.
I have had some amazing moments over the last year.
I have had some ugly and sad ones.
I have also had a lot of 'duh' moments.
With all of that though I am amazed that here I am one year later. Healthy, extremely happy, and simply truly enjoying being alive for the first time in my life.
I had so much fear and trepidation built up in my head and while some of it did happen. Most did not.
It is rather surreal to think about all of it.
Still here I am one year later.
The importance of that sentence cannot be stated enough.
Read it again if you don't see it the first time.
The thing that amazes me the most though?
Holy Calender Batman!!
It has been one year!!!!!!
At this point last year my company knew.
My department and co-workers knew.
Things were about to change rather radically.
There was to be no more switching back and forth. I would not have to pretend to be a boy anymore(not like I was succeeding very well trying).
Emotionally I was all over the place wondering if this really was going to go over well.
Or was I just going to fall flat on my face.
It is interesting to sit here one year later and think about all of it.
Reflecting on my nerves those first few weeks
Which were only about the office. Really, outside of work life had already shifted so much and since the general public didn't know any better, life was easy there.
I found it hard to even walk into the office back then. I just did not want to be that person anymore.
That doesn't mean I wasn't scared those first few days. Even with all the due diligence that I did. The soul searching. The personal exploration. I was still scared.
How could I not be?
Yet with all that here I am one year later and things have gone extremely well.
Who knew however that all of what was to come was going to happen. The Good, The Bad, and The Blonde.
I have had some amazing moments over the last year.
I have had some ugly and sad ones.
I have also had a lot of 'duh' moments.
With all of that though I am amazed that here I am one year later. Healthy, extremely happy, and simply truly enjoying being alive for the first time in my life.
I had so much fear and trepidation built up in my head and while some of it did happen. Most did not.
It is rather surreal to think about all of it.
Still here I am one year later.
The importance of that sentence cannot be stated enough.
Read it again if you don't see it the first time.
The thing that amazes me the most though?
Holy Calender Batman!!
It has been one year!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
All in the Family
While I would say that my transition has proceeded rather well. It has not all been without it's share of problems or issues.
Most notably would be my brother.
Sadly he and I have not talked since last November.
It is not like I have not tried too. In fact I attended his youngest son's graduation this last June. I was invited by not only my nephew but his mother too(my Brothers ex). Even in light of all that changed they absolutely wanted me there. My Ex-sister-in-law even moved to sit with us after she came to the ceremony. Choosing to sit with myself and my parents, than near my brother.
(My nephews and their mom were great never getting my name or nouns wrong and I even was referred to as Aunt Kelli. I did not even ask for that part I would have been happy with just Kelli.)
As for my brother, I am going to say he did not.
He remained on the other side of the auditorium from me. I caught more than a few gestures my way which did not appear flattering.
Worse still was when we all gathered outside after the conclusion of the commencement and I made a point to walk up to him and say 'hello'.
To which all i got in return was not a single word and the cold shoulder.
Which upset my father a great deal, but more on him later.
Another thing was some of my extended family, specifically the ones I mentioned here. Have not all been as accepting as first appeared.
What has tricked down to me was "Well we don't want our kids around you because it would be too confusing for them."
They have even stated one of the kids 'read' something in a certain religious text and stated he found it wrong because of this.
The truly crazy part of it is that his Aunt, my cousin who was telling me this, found it as out of character as I did. This child is so deeply rooted in logic, technology and science in a family that isn't deeply religious, that for this comment to made was incredibly odd.
Contradicting the older adult children in the family, who are more religious, who do not have an issue.
Personally I feel that this story was told as an excuse to avoid having the kids around me. That it wasn't actually said.
This is highly irritating because in all my experiences with kids, most of them(and I am referring to preteens twelve and under) will follow suit with whatever the parents do.
I even supplied this information of how to explain it to them.
"Tell them that [His name] will now be referred to as Kelli and will be a girl from this point forward. If they ask why. Then you tell them because she with the help of a few doctors felt this was medically necessary."
Children often will just say, oh okay and go back to playing. From there on out they will follow along with the parents. Most of the confusion stems from when they get told something like this and the parents fail to follow up themselves. i.e. the parents use the wrong name and the child will ask but I thought they were called [new name] now?"
It really is that simple. There is no need to elaborate on it and in time they will not ever really recall the other persona.
What this situation tells me is two things. They haven't accepted it themselves, be it they are don't want to understand it, are embarrassed, or they are disgusted by it, or feel it is wrong for whatever reason.
They simply are unwilling to talk to their kids for five minutes and go from there. Odds are few if any questions will arise. I even told them if it does come that they can bring the questions to me and I will give them an easy way to answer it if they felt they did not know how too.
Obviously they do not care. See excuses above.
Oh well. I have this odd feeling I'll find out for sure come this Christmas when we have our big family gathering on that side Christmas Eve. Most of these people would be in attendance and I do plan on going.
We shall see.
It ultimately does not matter since I know I am planning on moving out of my home state sometime in the near future. As much as I would like to hang onto family I also know I cannot make anyone like me.
The one other issue that I have been dealing with is my father. He surprised me earlier this year by finally opening up and talking to me. He allowed me to take him out for dinner on his birthday and a few other little things.
I had though that since we attended a few graduations parties and he saw the rest of the family talk to me like a normal person. Welcoming me and taking the time to get to know version 2.0 of me. That the ice started to break up a bit.
Sadly I don't think this is going to hold up since in recent weeks he has finally talked to my mom a bit and the impression I get from her is that he is not taking it well...still.
I don't know yet, her and I have a dinner scheduled soon, to catch up and she was going to discuss more of it with me then.
This is all just a sad reminder that there are some very closed minded people still out in the world. That no matter what I do they will not see past there own personal problems or beliefs. It also bothers me that they might not attend a family function just because of my presence. While they might feel relief from the issue I guarantee that they do not realize how hurtful it is to me.
This is the paradox of being trans. We go to great lengths to be ourselves. Which is hopefully a far better and happier person. Truly allowed to be ourselves. Yet the fear, misunderstandings or misguided beliefs of others will not let them treat a human being as such.
Oh well it is what it is. There is nothing I can to do make them think anything different.
Such is the life of being Trans.
Most notably would be my brother.
Sadly he and I have not talked since last November.
It is not like I have not tried too. In fact I attended his youngest son's graduation this last June. I was invited by not only my nephew but his mother too(my Brothers ex). Even in light of all that changed they absolutely wanted me there. My Ex-sister-in-law even moved to sit with us after she came to the ceremony. Choosing to sit with myself and my parents, than near my brother.
(My nephews and their mom were great never getting my name or nouns wrong and I even was referred to as Aunt Kelli. I did not even ask for that part I would have been happy with just Kelli.)
As for my brother, I am going to say he did not.
He remained on the other side of the auditorium from me. I caught more than a few gestures my way which did not appear flattering.
Worse still was when we all gathered outside after the conclusion of the commencement and I made a point to walk up to him and say 'hello'.
To which all i got in return was not a single word and the cold shoulder.
Which upset my father a great deal, but more on him later.
Another thing was some of my extended family, specifically the ones I mentioned here. Have not all been as accepting as first appeared.
What has tricked down to me was "Well we don't want our kids around you because it would be too confusing for them."
They have even stated one of the kids 'read' something in a certain religious text and stated he found it wrong because of this.
The truly crazy part of it is that his Aunt, my cousin who was telling me this, found it as out of character as I did. This child is so deeply rooted in logic, technology and science in a family that isn't deeply religious, that for this comment to made was incredibly odd.
Contradicting the older adult children in the family, who are more religious, who do not have an issue.
Personally I feel that this story was told as an excuse to avoid having the kids around me. That it wasn't actually said.
This is highly irritating because in all my experiences with kids, most of them(and I am referring to preteens twelve and under) will follow suit with whatever the parents do.
I even supplied this information of how to explain it to them.
"Tell them that [His name] will now be referred to as Kelli and will be a girl from this point forward. If they ask why. Then you tell them because she with the help of a few doctors felt this was medically necessary."
Children often will just say, oh okay and go back to playing. From there on out they will follow along with the parents. Most of the confusion stems from when they get told something like this and the parents fail to follow up themselves. i.e. the parents use the wrong name and the child will ask but I thought they were called [new name] now?"
It really is that simple. There is no need to elaborate on it and in time they will not ever really recall the other persona.
What this situation tells me is two things. They haven't accepted it themselves, be it they are don't want to understand it, are embarrassed, or they are disgusted by it, or feel it is wrong for whatever reason.
They simply are unwilling to talk to their kids for five minutes and go from there. Odds are few if any questions will arise. I even told them if it does come that they can bring the questions to me and I will give them an easy way to answer it if they felt they did not know how too.
Obviously they do not care. See excuses above.
Oh well. I have this odd feeling I'll find out for sure come this Christmas when we have our big family gathering on that side Christmas Eve. Most of these people would be in attendance and I do plan on going.
We shall see.
It ultimately does not matter since I know I am planning on moving out of my home state sometime in the near future. As much as I would like to hang onto family I also know I cannot make anyone like me.
The one other issue that I have been dealing with is my father. He surprised me earlier this year by finally opening up and talking to me. He allowed me to take him out for dinner on his birthday and a few other little things.
I had though that since we attended a few graduations parties and he saw the rest of the family talk to me like a normal person. Welcoming me and taking the time to get to know version 2.0 of me. That the ice started to break up a bit.
Sadly I don't think this is going to hold up since in recent weeks he has finally talked to my mom a bit and the impression I get from her is that he is not taking it well...still.
I don't know yet, her and I have a dinner scheduled soon, to catch up and she was going to discuss more of it with me then.
This is all just a sad reminder that there are some very closed minded people still out in the world. That no matter what I do they will not see past there own personal problems or beliefs. It also bothers me that they might not attend a family function just because of my presence. While they might feel relief from the issue I guarantee that they do not realize how hurtful it is to me.
This is the paradox of being trans. We go to great lengths to be ourselves. Which is hopefully a far better and happier person. Truly allowed to be ourselves. Yet the fear, misunderstandings or misguided beliefs of others will not let them treat a human being as such.
Oh well it is what it is. There is nothing I can to do make them think anything different.
Such is the life of being Trans.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Exercise Your Right
Seriously, I will never tell you for who or what, just to get out there and do it.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Full Circle
It is always interesting to return to places or people who know you from before.
Which happened to me recently when I had to see my General Practitioner for my annual physical.
I mentioned him way back here when I first had to come out to him and wanted to keep him as my GP.
Each year since he had always asked when I was going full time. During my last visit I told him it was to be the beginning of this year.
Now since I had not seen him since, I haven't had any illness or malady significant enough to warrant a visit, I did not return until my annual physical came around again.
When I called for the appointment I gave my old name, let her know it changed and the clerk was super understanding about it all and told me just to have everything when I arrived.
The day came, I signed in, and stood there with everything. She realized who I was, grabbed all my info and said "Have a seat Kelli, I'll get all your info updated and have you check it."
No issues there. I sat back down after that was done and in about five or ten minutes got called into the back.
I make early appointments for them so I usually have a short wait.
Only I had no idea how short that was to be.
I walked back with the nurse, she took my blood pressure, had me step on the scale(After I removed my boots of course. I had my jeans tucked into them that day), asked me a few standard questions and told me the doctor would be with me shortly.
She said this as I started to put my boots back on. I heard the door click shut as I put my second one on. When I heard it click open again, before I even had finished zipping back up.
Now normally I have about a ten or fifteen minute wait to actually see the doctor when I am at his office. Sometimes longer but not often. This is one reason I like them, they keep things moving and run a pretty efficient operation.
Yet I was stunned to see my doctor already entering the room not thirty seconds after the nurse left.
"Well that was fast!" I noted.
"HAHA well the office was buzzing when you got here and they were telling me you looked amazing. I could not wait to see for myself."
"Really? And?"
"Yeah and wow do you look great! Honestly I had no idea where you were going to end up but you really do look good."
"Thanks Doc!"
With that we got into the standard stuff about how I was feeling. If I had any issues to report. He also asked if I was still seeing my last Endo for HRT. If there was anything else I had done in addition to the surgeries he knew about(which was just the BA and the hair transplants). We talked about my GRS surgery and I gave him a copy of the forms my surgeon had me fill out so she can speak to him if need be. I mean he will be doing my pre-surgery workup and physical when the time comes.
Once we has covered that and got through the basic physical we were wrapping up. He turned to me and asked how I was doing.
"I am really good."
"Are you happy?"
"Very much so, loving life right now."
"Good I am glad. You look happy. I don't ever think I have seen you this comfortable and I don't blame you for being happy. You have every reason to be. Wow I am still shocked at how good you look!"
"Thanks again!"
With that we wrapped up his part of the appointment. All I had to do was wait to have my blood drawn and off I went.
It still boggles my mind that I am here and I am getting the positive reactions I am. Really, transition is such a misunderstood idea. Of which, most have the wrong one. Knowing that really feeds into your fear of what it will be like on the other side.
Just recalling the day I told him and how worried I was and here I am now with his full support and glowing comments.
Live has truly come full circle.
Which happened to me recently when I had to see my General Practitioner for my annual physical.
I mentioned him way back here when I first had to come out to him and wanted to keep him as my GP.
Each year since he had always asked when I was going full time. During my last visit I told him it was to be the beginning of this year.
Now since I had not seen him since, I haven't had any illness or malady significant enough to warrant a visit, I did not return until my annual physical came around again.
When I called for the appointment I gave my old name, let her know it changed and the clerk was super understanding about it all and told me just to have everything when I arrived.
The day came, I signed in, and stood there with everything. She realized who I was, grabbed all my info and said "Have a seat Kelli, I'll get all your info updated and have you check it."
No issues there. I sat back down after that was done and in about five or ten minutes got called into the back.
I make early appointments for them so I usually have a short wait.
Only I had no idea how short that was to be.
I walked back with the nurse, she took my blood pressure, had me step on the scale(After I removed my boots of course. I had my jeans tucked into them that day), asked me a few standard questions and told me the doctor would be with me shortly.
She said this as I started to put my boots back on. I heard the door click shut as I put my second one on. When I heard it click open again, before I even had finished zipping back up.
Now normally I have about a ten or fifteen minute wait to actually see the doctor when I am at his office. Sometimes longer but not often. This is one reason I like them, they keep things moving and run a pretty efficient operation.
Yet I was stunned to see my doctor already entering the room not thirty seconds after the nurse left.
"Well that was fast!" I noted.
"HAHA well the office was buzzing when you got here and they were telling me you looked amazing. I could not wait to see for myself."
"Really? And?"
"Yeah and wow do you look great! Honestly I had no idea where you were going to end up but you really do look good."
"Thanks Doc!"
With that we got into the standard stuff about how I was feeling. If I had any issues to report. He also asked if I was still seeing my last Endo for HRT. If there was anything else I had done in addition to the surgeries he knew about(which was just the BA and the hair transplants). We talked about my GRS surgery and I gave him a copy of the forms my surgeon had me fill out so she can speak to him if need be. I mean he will be doing my pre-surgery workup and physical when the time comes.
Once we has covered that and got through the basic physical we were wrapping up. He turned to me and asked how I was doing.
"I am really good."
"Are you happy?"
"Very much so, loving life right now."
"Good I am glad. You look happy. I don't ever think I have seen you this comfortable and I don't blame you for being happy. You have every reason to be. Wow I am still shocked at how good you look!"
"Thanks again!"
With that we wrapped up his part of the appointment. All I had to do was wait to have my blood drawn and off I went.
It still boggles my mind that I am here and I am getting the positive reactions I am. Really, transition is such a misunderstood idea. Of which, most have the wrong one. Knowing that really feeds into your fear of what it will be like on the other side.
Just recalling the day I told him and how worried I was and here I am now with his full support and glowing comments.
Live has truly come full circle.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Comfort Zone
Hello?
Is this thing on?
*TAP**TAP*
I do hope someone is out there listening. I know it has been a while since I posted anything.
Life has really gotten in the way.
The worst part there are stories to tell and things to say. Well, at least stories I want to tell and things I want to say.
Sadly I simply haven't had the time. My days are filled with things. So much so that at the end of the day all I really have time for is readying myself for work the following day(I get in early so I try to have breakfast, lunch and clothes prepared for the morning), then getting to bed. Not to mention the weekends....wait...I have free time on the weekends?!?!
Often I want to sit and write but I unable to keep my eyes open.
Crazy when you think about how much I used to post. Mostly because life was keeping me at home and not doing much. I really didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I think the writing kept me from utterly losing my mind. Now it is the complete opposite. I am currently so busy running to and fro trying to complete all my daily tasks, that by the end of the day there is just no time left to sit down and write.
Which has made me a little sad since I know there are people out there hoping to find some inspiration and perhaps not feel so alone in all this, that they look for Blogs like this in the hope of learning something more about themselves.
I know because I looked for them myself when long before I started my transition. I bonded with those stories and identified with the trials and tribulations they endured. It meant a lot to me yet I was always sad when they stopped posting regularly. Usually because life got so busy that they just didn't have times.
Which is an amazingly good thing but those of use still reading wanted to know more.
I promised myself I would try to post with some frequency after full time. Maybe not daily or weekly but far more than I what I have.
But I did not.
I had become the type of blogger I promised myself I would not be.
*sadface*
The only thing I can do is try to get these stories out. It might not be fast as I like but I do want to post them.
What has kept me so busy?
Well you already know I am dating and loving it. Really the relationship just keeps getting better and better. I am extremely happy with it. I have no intention of taking any big steps right now, but I like the promise it holds.
Only time will tell.
Still he has kept me happily busy. Two road trip weekends with another coming in a few weeks. I have met a large number of his family. With more in the future I am sure. Not to mention I have cooked for many of them.
I have gotten a chance to go shopping with his mom. Girls day out during the summer. Had a blast and she bugs me often to spend more time with me.
Life has been so amazingly...normal. I often have to sit back and take it all in otherwise it seems completely surreal.
I mentioned road trips with the BF. Well one of them was a return to this event.
I was not sure how it would go but when I posted to the forum for the event explaining there was a personal issue that might exclude me and to send me a private message to explain it.
To a person all of them that responded were shocked but at the same time so fully supportive that many of them said that if there was an issue with ANYBODY they would make sure it got handled. They wanted me to come out, cook, have fun and enjoy myself without having to worry about anything.
How did it turn out?
One word amazing. I enjoyed the whole process, everyone was extremely welcoming and happy to see me. I had about half the attendees approach me to tell me how great I looked and how happy I seemed. That and everyone was happy to see me back cooking again. So much so I got a cheesy distinguished person award for the effort I put in so that they can enjoy the food. Plus it was a sign of appreciation of how much I was missed when I wasn't there.
Honestly as big a production it is, I love doing it and seeing everyone happy.
I also finally got to meet the owners of the site who were meeting me for the first time ever. They actually thought my BF was the technology geek, not me. I shocked them when I stated it was me and what I did for a living.
I could see it on their face: "But you are a girl!" Honestly I don't think they were ever told. I know I did not say anything. The coolest part. Those three are from Kansas city and they LOVED my ribs. Different from what they are used to but to quote the site owner. "The prestigious Cup, given to "the most worthy," was fittingly awarded to Kelli, our rib chef. Those ribs are magical, world-class BBQ. I'm going to have to steal the recipe."
:D
Oh and yes I will be returning next year again.
Great day and fun night we got to stay for the fireworks for a change!!! yay!!
Work!!!
Been amazing and wonderful. So many of my teammates are huge supporters. Life at work is pretty normal just crazy busy with projects. The few slips were all earlier this year and really nothing blatant or even to report since. All the women are amazing and a couple of them want to know where I shop since they love how well put together I am.
Our facilities manager (who sits at the front desk with security) often tells me how jealous she is and tells me often, "Girl do not worry I wish I had a body like yours. Seriously you look amazing."
It isn't all about looks, I know, there is so much more to the person than how one looks. Yet I know it does not hurt to have a few advantages in your favor.
B!
Sadly I haven't seen him too much since earlier this year he got switched to afternoons at work which has split us up a little. Not to mention he has had some extremely personal issues that have taken up some of his spare times as he has dealt with them.
Though we have gotten together a few times when the stars have aligned and we were able to be in the same place at the same time. :D He marvels more and more at how comfortable I have gotten with myself. Not to mention meeting his new friend L(cis girl) total hoot who promptly said to B after meeting me. "Holy Shit she is pretty!!! How did you met her again?!"
Yes, she did indeed state that to B as if I was not standing right there. I couldn't help but smile and laugh a little.
And no B has only ever told her I am his friend Kelli, nothing more.
Had a lot of fun with those to out that night and I hope to see them again.
Oh I might have failed to mention the fact that I am on a co-ed bowling league!
For reals!!
The BF got invited because a guy he bowls with during the week wanted to bowl with his girlfriend and my significant other was the only person he knew who bowled and had a girlfriend to boot!
I wanted to but since I had not bowled in years I needed to see if I could even still do it and feel comfortable doing so.
[Background here, I came from a bowling family. Mom, Dad, Brother, we all bowled. I started league bowling after school at age 9 and continued through 16. After that I was just too busy to do it weekly but often went a few times a month with my dad for a long time. Not to mention a short lived summer league after graduation but honestly who wanted to be in a bowling alley when it was 85 and sunny out in June? Not us.]
With that the two of us tried a weekend of practice just to mess around and have fun. The good news was I had no issue adjusting with all the changes. Other than I have to use a lighter ball now. No way I can hurl a sixteen pounder any more(7.25 Kg for you metric types). I also discovered finger tape bowlers use for an smoother release from the ball. Me I use it to protect my fingernails I have to carefully groomed and maintain.
I have been three times already and I am having sooo much fun with everyone especially the other girls I have bowled with. Mostly because we all end up picking on the boys. :D
Especially when we out bowl them.
Everything is just settling. I have had little to no issues with existing in the world. I find myself often reveling and enjoying being myself and the person I always wanted to be. My sense of style is growing and I love that I can actually enjoy that part. I have discovered so many new and fun things.
Was transition easy? No. Was it worth it? For me it was a resounding yes.
To quote the famous motto:
Is this thing on?
*TAP**TAP*
I do hope someone is out there listening. I know it has been a while since I posted anything.
Life has really gotten in the way.
The worst part there are stories to tell and things to say. Well, at least stories I want to tell and things I want to say.
Sadly I simply haven't had the time. My days are filled with things. So much so that at the end of the day all I really have time for is readying myself for work the following day(I get in early so I try to have breakfast, lunch and clothes prepared for the morning), then getting to bed. Not to mention the weekends....wait...I have free time on the weekends?!?!
Often I want to sit and write but I unable to keep my eyes open.
Crazy when you think about how much I used to post. Mostly because life was keeping me at home and not doing much. I really didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I think the writing kept me from utterly losing my mind. Now it is the complete opposite. I am currently so busy running to and fro trying to complete all my daily tasks, that by the end of the day there is just no time left to sit down and write.
Which has made me a little sad since I know there are people out there hoping to find some inspiration and perhaps not feel so alone in all this, that they look for Blogs like this in the hope of learning something more about themselves.
I know because I looked for them myself when long before I started my transition. I bonded with those stories and identified with the trials and tribulations they endured. It meant a lot to me yet I was always sad when they stopped posting regularly. Usually because life got so busy that they just didn't have times.
Which is an amazingly good thing but those of use still reading wanted to know more.
I promised myself I would try to post with some frequency after full time. Maybe not daily or weekly but far more than I what I have.
But I did not.
I had become the type of blogger I promised myself I would not be.
*sadface*
The only thing I can do is try to get these stories out. It might not be fast as I like but I do want to post them.
What has kept me so busy?
Well you already know I am dating and loving it. Really the relationship just keeps getting better and better. I am extremely happy with it. I have no intention of taking any big steps right now, but I like the promise it holds.
Only time will tell.
Still he has kept me happily busy. Two road trip weekends with another coming in a few weeks. I have met a large number of his family. With more in the future I am sure. Not to mention I have cooked for many of them.
I have gotten a chance to go shopping with his mom. Girls day out during the summer. Had a blast and she bugs me often to spend more time with me.
Life has been so amazingly...normal. I often have to sit back and take it all in otherwise it seems completely surreal.
I mentioned road trips with the BF. Well one of them was a return to this event.
I was not sure how it would go but when I posted to the forum for the event explaining there was a personal issue that might exclude me and to send me a private message to explain it.
To a person all of them that responded were shocked but at the same time so fully supportive that many of them said that if there was an issue with ANYBODY they would make sure it got handled. They wanted me to come out, cook, have fun and enjoy myself without having to worry about anything.
How did it turn out?
One word amazing. I enjoyed the whole process, everyone was extremely welcoming and happy to see me. I had about half the attendees approach me to tell me how great I looked and how happy I seemed. That and everyone was happy to see me back cooking again. So much so I got a cheesy distinguished person award for the effort I put in so that they can enjoy the food. Plus it was a sign of appreciation of how much I was missed when I wasn't there.
Honestly as big a production it is, I love doing it and seeing everyone happy.
I also finally got to meet the owners of the site who were meeting me for the first time ever. They actually thought my BF was the technology geek, not me. I shocked them when I stated it was me and what I did for a living.
I could see it on their face: "But you are a girl!" Honestly I don't think they were ever told. I know I did not say anything. The coolest part. Those three are from Kansas city and they LOVED my ribs. Different from what they are used to but to quote the site owner. "The prestigious
:D
Oh and yes I will be returning next year again.
Great day and fun night we got to stay for the fireworks for a change!!! yay!!
Work!!!
Been amazing and wonderful. So many of my teammates are huge supporters. Life at work is pretty normal just crazy busy with projects. The few slips were all earlier this year and really nothing blatant or even to report since. All the women are amazing and a couple of them want to know where I shop since they love how well put together I am.
Our facilities manager (who sits at the front desk with security) often tells me how jealous she is and tells me often, "Girl do not worry I wish I had a body like yours. Seriously you look amazing."
It isn't all about looks, I know, there is so much more to the person than how one looks. Yet I know it does not hurt to have a few advantages in your favor.
B!
Sadly I haven't seen him too much since earlier this year he got switched to afternoons at work which has split us up a little. Not to mention he has had some extremely personal issues that have taken up some of his spare times as he has dealt with them.
Though we have gotten together a few times when the stars have aligned and we were able to be in the same place at the same time. :D He marvels more and more at how comfortable I have gotten with myself. Not to mention meeting his new friend L(cis girl) total hoot who promptly said to B after meeting me. "Holy Shit she is pretty!!! How did you met her again?!"
Yes, she did indeed state that to B as if I was not standing right there. I couldn't help but smile and laugh a little.
And no B has only ever told her I am his friend Kelli, nothing more.
Had a lot of fun with those to out that night and I hope to see them again.
Oh I might have failed to mention the fact that I am on a co-ed bowling league!
For reals!!
The BF got invited because a guy he bowls with during the week wanted to bowl with his girlfriend and my significant other was the only person he knew who bowled and had a girlfriend to boot!
I wanted to but since I had not bowled in years I needed to see if I could even still do it and feel comfortable doing so.
[Background here, I came from a bowling family. Mom, Dad, Brother, we all bowled. I started league bowling after school at age 9 and continued through 16. After that I was just too busy to do it weekly but often went a few times a month with my dad for a long time. Not to mention a short lived summer league after graduation but honestly who wanted to be in a bowling alley when it was 85 and sunny out in June? Not us.]
With that the two of us tried a weekend of practice just to mess around and have fun. The good news was I had no issue adjusting with all the changes. Other than I have to use a lighter ball now. No way I can hurl a sixteen pounder any more(7.25 Kg for you metric types). I also discovered finger tape bowlers use for an smoother release from the ball. Me I use it to protect my fingernails I have to carefully groomed and maintain.
I have been three times already and I am having sooo much fun with everyone especially the other girls I have bowled with. Mostly because we all end up picking on the boys. :D
Especially when we out bowl them.
Everything is just settling. I have had little to no issues with existing in the world. I find myself often reveling and enjoying being myself and the person I always wanted to be. My sense of style is growing and I love that I can actually enjoy that part. I have discovered so many new and fun things.
Was transition easy? No. Was it worth it? For me it was a resounding yes.
To quote the famous motto:
Friday, July 6, 2012
A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Too...
Recently a very dear friend of mine underwent GRS surgery.
{Editor's Note: GRS, GCS, SRS are all the same thing. It is the surgery to change your anatomy from male to female physically or vise versa but I think they have some other terms for the latter. Here I will use GRS. Don't argue. You will lose. ;) }
Since she is very close to me (we often refer to ourselves as adopted sisters. As in she adopted me and I her.) I took a long weekend to go out and visit her in the first two weeks she was post op.
She really didn't have a choice either. She mentioned to me that it would be sweet if I came but that I didn't have too. This being said to me months before.
I kindly replied to her, "Sis, I was asking you when it was so I knew when to be there. I wasn't asking you if I could come. You frankly don't have a choice."
She laughed but I know for a fact she was very happy to see me and I her.
It also allowed me to see some things first hand since I am mostly likely going to be using the same surgeon. Where I will be. How she responded, and getting to see the surgeon in action, before I talk to her later this year. As I have a consultation with the doctor scheduled this coming September.
Now here is the entertaining part.
I went to the office with my friend for her first appointment post surgery. While we all were together in the waiting room the surgeon passed us by a few times.
After waiting for a short while my friend was called back into the room and I went off to grab some breakfast knowing she was in good hands, her spouse was with her. I had some time to kill and I was hungry.
Well I was hungry the gooey bits in between were not something I wanted to see.
When I returned they let me back in to hear the instructions at the end and I was sitting against the wall listening intently when the surgeon remarked that an in person follow up would be recommended at three and six months.
Now this whole time the surgeon had seen me, heard me and even complimented that it was good to see supportive friends.
So I was sitting against the wall listening intently when the surgeon remarked about the aforementioned follow up and would be recommended it be at three and six months postop.
Now as I mentioned I knew I have a consult with this surgeon scheduled for the fall. Doing the math quickly in my head I realized my appointment would be almost exactly three months(give or take a day).
At this point I jokingly piped up and mentioned that my friend and I could go together in September when I was to be back in that area.
The surgeon turned slightly to me. Since she was between the two of us off to one side, and stated, "Well I might not actually be here then."
My response as she started turning back to my friend, "Well I hope you are since you are the reason I am coming."
Her head turned back to me so fast to do a double take of me was comical. Her stunned expression saying exactly what we all thought at that time, as we all noticed it. She gave me a long look and asked my why I was coming out to see her.
"Well I have a consultation with you."
"For?"
"GRS."
Her eyebrows raised and she took one last long look at me, acknowledged it and moved back to finish talking to my friend to concluded the appointment.
We all laughed about it later. There she was with no clue I was Trans up until that point. Only that I was a supportive friend there to help out and support my friend.
However it was obvious I shocked her and had completely caught her by surprise.
At the same time I think it is a huge compliment.
There I was at a world renown Trans surgeon's office, someone who is Trans herself, sitting three feet from her, talking to her and I completely flew under her radar. I simply was another girl in the room.
Flattering and humorous all at the same time.
Sometimes I am surprised just how much people don't think twice about me and simply see me for me.
It is a nice feeling at the end of the day.
{Editor's Note: GRS, GCS, SRS are all the same thing. It is the surgery to change your anatomy from male to female physically or vise versa but I think they have some other terms for the latter. Here I will use GRS. Don't argue. You will lose. ;) }
Since she is very close to me (we often refer to ourselves as adopted sisters. As in she adopted me and I her.) I took a long weekend to go out and visit her in the first two weeks she was post op.
She really didn't have a choice either. She mentioned to me that it would be sweet if I came but that I didn't have too. This being said to me months before.
I kindly replied to her, "Sis, I was asking you when it was so I knew when to be there. I wasn't asking you if I could come. You frankly don't have a choice."
She laughed but I know for a fact she was very happy to see me and I her.
It also allowed me to see some things first hand since I am mostly likely going to be using the same surgeon. Where I will be. How she responded, and getting to see the surgeon in action, before I talk to her later this year. As I have a consultation with the doctor scheduled this coming September.
Now here is the entertaining part.
I went to the office with my friend for her first appointment post surgery. While we all were together in the waiting room the surgeon passed us by a few times.
After waiting for a short while my friend was called back into the room and I went off to grab some breakfast knowing she was in good hands, her spouse was with her. I had some time to kill and I was hungry.
Well I was hungry the gooey bits in between were not something I wanted to see.
When I returned they let me back in to hear the instructions at the end and I was sitting against the wall listening intently when the surgeon remarked that an in person follow up would be recommended at three and six months.
Now this whole time the surgeon had seen me, heard me and even complimented that it was good to see supportive friends.
So I was sitting against the wall listening intently when the surgeon remarked about the aforementioned follow up and would be recommended it be at three and six months postop.
Now as I mentioned I knew I have a consult with this surgeon scheduled for the fall. Doing the math quickly in my head I realized my appointment would be almost exactly three months(give or take a day).
At this point I jokingly piped up and mentioned that my friend and I could go together in September when I was to be back in that area.
The surgeon turned slightly to me. Since she was between the two of us off to one side, and stated, "Well I might not actually be here then."
My response as she started turning back to my friend, "Well I hope you are since you are the reason I am coming."
Her head turned back to me so fast to do a double take of me was comical. Her stunned expression saying exactly what we all thought at that time, as we all noticed it. She gave me a long look and asked my why I was coming out to see her.
"Well I have a consultation with you."
"For?"
"GRS."
Her eyebrows raised and she took one last long look at me, acknowledged it and moved back to finish talking to my friend to concluded the appointment.
We all laughed about it later. There she was with no clue I was Trans up until that point. Only that I was a supportive friend there to help out and support my friend.
However it was obvious I shocked her and had completely caught her by surprise.
At the same time I think it is a huge compliment.
There I was at a world renown Trans surgeon's office, someone who is Trans herself, sitting three feet from her, talking to her and I completely flew under her radar. I simply was another girl in the room.
Flattering and humorous all at the same time.
Sometimes I am surprised just how much people don't think twice about me and simply see me for me.
It is a nice feeling at the end of the day.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Kelli 301
Another course covering a more advanced subject about me.
I know I have reviewed some of the basics over the years.
A little about me being trans and what my plans are.
I have discussed what I do for a living.
Today I felt it was time to cover something I have largely avoided.
Sex.
Or more specifically my sexuality.
Now before you think this is going to get really juicy. It probably won't.
I am not the type of girl to kiss and tell.
Though I do feel it is time to explain my feelings about who I am.
The reason I have never mentioned it much before was simple.
It plays no part in being Trans.
Really.
I am not joking.
Sexuality and gender are two entirely different things.
I say this because who you are attracted to sexually and want to develop an intimate relationship is just a part of who you are.
The reason I say this is because growing up and in my past I know who I have been attracted to physically.
Both.
Seriously.
In my adolescence, as I developed both mentally and physically. I found both genders to be attractive.
As you can imagine it caused a lot of confusion for me in my life.
There I was clashing with my physical gender. Knowing I was attracted to girls. Yet at the same time I also knew that men were catching my attention.
Based on my social upbringing, i.e. my strong opinions of my father and brother, being attracted to men was wrong. So wrong in fact that I was completely afraid of these feelings.
Thus I never explored them. I simply went with the fact that I could date women. Since that is what I was supposed to do.
What caused an issue there was that I was always confusing them. Not to mention myself. Yes I could be attracted to them, but quite often, I wasn't perceived as someone they would desire to date.
I was always different or just a friend.
This was always the case if I ever tried to pursue a girl it ended this way. Not that I tried this often. The two lasting relationships were things where they actually pursued me.
You would probably think that this whole time I also still wondered about men.
You would be partially right.
I didn't believe the idea was some shameful thrill. No, I was under the belief it was wrong but at the same time I knew how I felt.
There were things about them that I found attractive. Would catch my attention and cause a lot of wonder
Still knowing how society felt(Which included members of my family and peers) I felt it wasn't something I shouldn't ever consider.
So I didn't...for a long time.
Until at which point I did.
This would have been between the two rather long relationships I had. After the first one ended a lot of things bubbled up to the surface of my mind.
One thing that came to mind, largely due to how that relationship failed, was my sexuality. For once I was out from the heavy scrutiny of being in school. I had more freedom even though I was still living at home while in college. With thoughts returning to the forefront of my mind I got curious about my sexuality for the first time.
Which made me decided to do something about it. Well, at least, attempt to.
Bet you want to know what it is?
I briefly tried dating a guy.
Now I now you want all the juicy details. However, I will not give them too you.
Sorry I am not the kind of girl to kiss and tell.
I will tell you this. We did eventually get intimate, to a degree. It really did confirm I was indeed attracted to men. It bothered me a lot that I really was(mostly because I feared what it meant), but it was the true. The second and more important thing was I was completely repulsed to the reason he was attracted to me. Sounds crazy I know, but when I finally opened that door to discover a part of myself I learned what I wanted and it was not to be treated as a man. I might have been really attracted to him. So much so that I no longer harbored a curiosity or fascination. Yet when he tried to return the affection it completely upset me. It wasn't how I wanted to be viewed, treated or approached.
Try as I might I just did not want to be viewed as a man. Even though I was interested in him.
I ended that very quickly, thankfully he knew I was new to things and was unsure of myself. Though I did hide any of the other feelings I had about being Trans.
Now while this seemed to open my mind to a number of things. Answered some question and created new ones.
Yet the end result was similar to ones I experienced in the past whenever I pushed into idea, area and feelings I was experiencing. That I was afraid of what was occurring so I pushed it deep inside again and hide from it.
The idea that struck me the hardest was that maybe I was a gay man. Yet at the same time this seemed odd to be based on my reactions to certain things.
I wonderabout this for a long time until I was able to discuss it with others.
Case in point. I once had a discussion with B, you remember B right. Now this particular conversation was shortly after he had met me as my old self. We were discussing things and he has asked if I ever had dated men as a man. I explained the story above. Mentioned how I felt about it and at the end apologized to him if my feelings or view point on it offended him.
He scoffed at me and said:
"You are not offending me at all. Honestly having met both versions of you. Being a gay man does not fit you. It is not who you are. You are such a girl that trying to define yourself as a gay man would not work. I know, I am one and it doesn't make any sense for you. You are more a girl than some girls I know. It is simply who you are."
It is was just another profound B'ism that I really am glad I had him for. It was like he always knew just what I needed to hear at the exact time I needed to hear it.
Thus through all of it I still did learn something important. I was indeed attracted to men but I did not want to be one myself. It wasn't me.
Never really was I guess.
I know I have reviewed some of the basics over the years.
A little about me being trans and what my plans are.
I have discussed what I do for a living.
Today I felt it was time to cover something I have largely avoided.
Sex.
Or more specifically my sexuality.
Now before you think this is going to get really juicy. It probably won't.
I am not the type of girl to kiss and tell.
Though I do feel it is time to explain my feelings about who I am.
The reason I have never mentioned it much before was simple.
It plays no part in being Trans.
Really.
I am not joking.
Sexuality and gender are two entirely different things.
I say this because who you are attracted to sexually and want to develop an intimate relationship is just a part of who you are.
The reason I say this is because growing up and in my past I know who I have been attracted to physically.
Both.
Seriously.
In my adolescence, as I developed both mentally and physically. I found both genders to be attractive.
As you can imagine it caused a lot of confusion for me in my life.
There I was clashing with my physical gender. Knowing I was attracted to girls. Yet at the same time I also knew that men were catching my attention.
Based on my social upbringing, i.e. my strong opinions of my father and brother, being attracted to men was wrong. So wrong in fact that I was completely afraid of these feelings.
Thus I never explored them. I simply went with the fact that I could date women. Since that is what I was supposed to do.
What caused an issue there was that I was always confusing them. Not to mention myself. Yes I could be attracted to them, but quite often, I wasn't perceived as someone they would desire to date.
I was always different or just a friend.
This was always the case if I ever tried to pursue a girl it ended this way. Not that I tried this often. The two lasting relationships were things where they actually pursued me.
You would probably think that this whole time I also still wondered about men.
You would be partially right.
I didn't believe the idea was some shameful thrill. No, I was under the belief it was wrong but at the same time I knew how I felt.
There were things about them that I found attractive. Would catch my attention and cause a lot of wonder
Still knowing how society felt(Which included members of my family and peers) I felt it wasn't something I shouldn't ever consider.
So I didn't...for a long time.
Until at which point I did.
This would have been between the two rather long relationships I had. After the first one ended a lot of things bubbled up to the surface of my mind.
One thing that came to mind, largely due to how that relationship failed, was my sexuality. For once I was out from the heavy scrutiny of being in school. I had more freedom even though I was still living at home while in college. With thoughts returning to the forefront of my mind I got curious about my sexuality for the first time.
Which made me decided to do something about it. Well, at least, attempt to.
Bet you want to know what it is?
I briefly tried dating a guy.
Now I now you want all the juicy details. However, I will not give them too you.
Sorry I am not the kind of girl to kiss and tell.
I will tell you this. We did eventually get intimate, to a degree. It really did confirm I was indeed attracted to men. It bothered me a lot that I really was(mostly because I feared what it meant), but it was the true. The second and more important thing was I was completely repulsed to the reason he was attracted to me. Sounds crazy I know, but when I finally opened that door to discover a part of myself I learned what I wanted and it was not to be treated as a man. I might have been really attracted to him. So much so that I no longer harbored a curiosity or fascination. Yet when he tried to return the affection it completely upset me. It wasn't how I wanted to be viewed, treated or approached.
Try as I might I just did not want to be viewed as a man. Even though I was interested in him.
I ended that very quickly, thankfully he knew I was new to things and was unsure of myself. Though I did hide any of the other feelings I had about being Trans.
Now while this seemed to open my mind to a number of things. Answered some question and created new ones.
Yet the end result was similar to ones I experienced in the past whenever I pushed into idea, area and feelings I was experiencing. That I was afraid of what was occurring so I pushed it deep inside again and hide from it.
The idea that struck me the hardest was that maybe I was a gay man. Yet at the same time this seemed odd to be based on my reactions to certain things.
I wonderabout this for a long time until I was able to discuss it with others.
Case in point. I once had a discussion with B, you remember B right. Now this particular conversation was shortly after he had met me as my old self. We were discussing things and he has asked if I ever had dated men as a man. I explained the story above. Mentioned how I felt about it and at the end apologized to him if my feelings or view point on it offended him.
He scoffed at me and said:
"You are not offending me at all. Honestly having met both versions of you. Being a gay man does not fit you. It is not who you are. You are such a girl that trying to define yourself as a gay man would not work. I know, I am one and it doesn't make any sense for you. You are more a girl than some girls I know. It is simply who you are."
It is was just another profound B'ism that I really am glad I had him for. It was like he always knew just what I needed to hear at the exact time I needed to hear it.
Thus through all of it I still did learn something important. I was indeed attracted to men but I did not want to be one myself. It wasn't me.
Never really was I guess.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
Well...
...I became one of those bloggers didn't I?
For shame.
I knew my blogging proclivity would see a bit of a reduction after full time.
I mean how could it not? I spent almost two years hiding from the general public. This left me with a lot of free time on my hands.
With a lot on my mind.
Which gave me a lot to write about.
I really felt like I was sitting around with my life on hold.
Since full time my life has been moving forward at a ridiculous pace.
It is almost as if life was a river and I put up a damn, everything was building up behind it until the damn finally broke. Causing everything to come flooding out.
This has kept me incredibly busy with little to no time to write.
I am sure my typewrite monkeys have loved all the free time with full pay.
Talk about too much monkey business.
I know there is the BF to cover(yes I am still seeing him). My Nephew's graduation, they thawing of relations with my father(still not great but happening). Also the drunken mess that is my brother.
The good news is I have been writing. I have had a lot to say and things to get out. I should have several posts published over the next few weeks.
So look forward to them. I know it has felt good to sit and write again.
...I became one of those bloggers didn't I?
For shame.
I knew my blogging proclivity would see a bit of a reduction after full time.
I mean how could it not? I spent almost two years hiding from the general public. This left me with a lot of free time on my hands.
With a lot on my mind.
Which gave me a lot to write about.
I really felt like I was sitting around with my life on hold.
Since full time my life has been moving forward at a ridiculous pace.
It is almost as if life was a river and I put up a damn, everything was building up behind it until the damn finally broke. Causing everything to come flooding out.
This has kept me incredibly busy with little to no time to write.
I am sure my typewrite monkeys have loved all the free time with full pay.
Talk about too much monkey business.
I know there is the BF to cover(yes I am still seeing him). My Nephew's graduation, they thawing of relations with my father(still not great but happening). Also the drunken mess that is my brother.
The good news is I have been writing. I have had a lot to say and things to get out. I should have several posts published over the next few weeks.
So look forward to them. I know it has felt good to sit and write again.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
When the Music Dies
I think I was eleven or twelve. Maybe somewhere in between.
I was visiting some of my cousins that day.
One who is almost four years older than me grabbed me all of a sudden.
"OMG I have something you have to hear!"
She knew I was starting to get into music. We saw a lot of each other back then so she thought she had something I would like to listen to.
She was right.
I had been hearing more and more hip-hop and rap.
While not a favorite sound there was some cool stuff starting to come out. (this was the mid eighties after all)
You could see the development and growth of it right in front of your eyes.
Still I was very picky with what I listen to at that time. That would change in the coming years but this was different.
What she played for me blew my mind. I was enthralled. We listen to the entire album while sitting her room.
It was short and we had the time.
My musical life changed that day.
Almost immediately I asked her who it was.
She told me.
I asked if they had been around before.
"No they are brand new."
I was hooked.
This trio of artist where nothing like I ever heard or would ever hear again.
It took me some time and scheming to get myself a copy of that first album as my parents would not let my buy it at that time.
I know I wore out at least one copy of that tape.
Then came their second album.
Still one of my favorites to this day. It was without a doubt their magnum opus. We will never hear an album made like that ever again. The multiple layers of sampling they used would not be allowed today with out a mountain of legal wrangling. If original artists would even agree to it.
I know I had both of these on one cassette tape at some point.
I am pretty sure I wore that out too.
I have several of their songs memorized. Lyric for Lyric.
Then with all the legal craziness they turned the hip-hop/rap community on their ear again with their third album.
They knew how to play instruments. So they did. Using them to great backing riffs and beats. Sounds lawyers could not complain about.
This one landed about the time grunge appeared. Thus the record was often mislabeled in the wrong genre.
People just didn't understand what they were doing.
Always challenging their sound, their listeners, even while still distinctly sounding like themselves.
Their subsequent work never stop entertaining me. I always eagerly looked forward to a new release buy a copy as soon as I could make it to a store or pre-ordering it.
I still listen to all their discs to this day.
They were one of my favorite groups and I was a huge fan. I got so many friends hooked on them simply because I listened to them.
That all changed.
This last Friday one of the three succumbed to an long battle with illness.
When I heard the news I was frozen.
I just sat there.
Numb.
I knew how much their music meant to me. Music was always an escape for me when I was younger. It allowed me to take my mind off of things. Distracting me I would focus on the music to forget thinking about me.
I listen to a lot of different things.
But theirs was always some of the most listen too.
Yet this last Friday I realized that this group as I had come to know and love was gone.
I would never again experience their amazingly creative brand of music as I had known it. The radical creativity, the unique craziness that they dared, and always seemed to succeed at.
Not to mention a part of my childhood died.
There are really no words to describe how much this will be missed.
Today the world is a sadder place. Even with being a fan of their music there idea and creativity influences so much of the musical world today. Just go look out at the other artist acknowledging just how huge this lose is.
All I can say is he will be missed and the group will never be the same without him.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Just Push...Pause?
I need a break.
Badly.
Not that life hasn't been good.
No, no, no!
It has truly been wonderful, fun and amazing.
Yes I still have to deal with some outstanding issues.
Though progress has been made on some counts. Small they might have been.
I actually stood in front of my dad, as me, for all of five minutes and chatted with him.
I wouldn't say we accomplished a lot, he still hardly talks to me but it was something.
My brother is still being a colossal jerk. He didn't even want to tell his sons about me. I guess he was pretending to ignore it. Yet he complains to my mom that I don't call him.
Gee I wonder why?
I also have been breaking rules.
Major rules.
As in I am dating.
Having been single and with all the trans stuff I had to, and will still have to deal with, I had a firm rule of not dating.
Seriously I had turned down ever single attempt to get my number or some other form of contact info.
I simply was not going to do it.
That is until now.
Why you ask?
This situation was different.
I knew of him through mutual friends. He has only ever known me, yet he does know about my past.
After several meetings through that group, we ran into each other in public on our own a couple of times over a year ago.
We never exchanged any contact info and I did not see him again until a few weeks ago. I remembered him, he was unsure about me(facial surgery and a drastic change in hair color could throw anyone off) until I mentioned something that happened once between us. He laughed, apologized for not only the incident I mentioned, but for not remembering me at first.
With that we spent the next few hours catching up and finally exchanging contact info. Which prompted an email exchange and him asking me out on a date.
Initially I was going to automatically respond with a no. As I thought about it though I realized that since I knew him, had a casual history, that it might be fun to go just to go.
No pressure to do anything, or see him again.
Plus knowing him and having spent some time with him before I trusted him.
Still don't think I was stupid. I met him at our first stop, did not let him pick me up. Met at a public place. This girl knows what she is doing.
Obviously you know how it turned out. As we are still seeing each other and so far it has been great. One of the best experiences dating I have ever had.
No I am not getting ahead of myself or planning a future. Thankfully he isn't either we are just enjoying the company and the fun. The amount of understanding between us has amazed me.
I also am moving out of my previous living arrangement into a new one. I am actually taking up the spare room with my cousin Rock Girl. She could use the extra cash and the rent is idea for me right now. Plenty of room for the two of us.
This is a huge reason I haven't been able to post. Well, yeah, dating too, but if I am not working, out with the beau, I am at her place prepping the room and closet. Not to mention moving a number of things as time and space allows.
Life is just exceedingly busy and doesn't show any signs of slowing down anytime soon.
Which is all good. I wouldn't have it any other way. I finally feel like I am living my life.
Loving it and I see nothing to slow me down.
Though a pause would be nice.
Badly.
Not that life hasn't been good.
No, no, no!
It has truly been wonderful, fun and amazing.
Yes I still have to deal with some outstanding issues.
Though progress has been made on some counts. Small they might have been.
I actually stood in front of my dad, as me, for all of five minutes and chatted with him.
I wouldn't say we accomplished a lot, he still hardly talks to me but it was something.
My brother is still being a colossal jerk. He didn't even want to tell his sons about me. I guess he was pretending to ignore it. Yet he complains to my mom that I don't call him.
Gee I wonder why?
I also have been breaking rules.
Major rules.
As in I am dating.
Having been single and with all the trans stuff I had to, and will still have to deal with, I had a firm rule of not dating.
Seriously I had turned down ever single attempt to get my number or some other form of contact info.
I simply was not going to do it.
That is until now.
Why you ask?
This situation was different.
I knew of him through mutual friends. He has only ever known me, yet he does know about my past.
After several meetings through that group, we ran into each other in public on our own a couple of times over a year ago.
We never exchanged any contact info and I did not see him again until a few weeks ago. I remembered him, he was unsure about me(facial surgery and a drastic change in hair color could throw anyone off) until I mentioned something that happened once between us. He laughed, apologized for not only the incident I mentioned, but for not remembering me at first.
With that we spent the next few hours catching up and finally exchanging contact info. Which prompted an email exchange and him asking me out on a date.
Initially I was going to automatically respond with a no. As I thought about it though I realized that since I knew him, had a casual history, that it might be fun to go just to go.
No pressure to do anything, or see him again.
Plus knowing him and having spent some time with him before I trusted him.
Still don't think I was stupid. I met him at our first stop, did not let him pick me up. Met at a public place. This girl knows what she is doing.
Obviously you know how it turned out. As we are still seeing each other and so far it has been great. One of the best experiences dating I have ever had.
No I am not getting ahead of myself or planning a future. Thankfully he isn't either we are just enjoying the company and the fun. The amount of understanding between us has amazed me.
I also am moving out of my previous living arrangement into a new one. I am actually taking up the spare room with my cousin Rock Girl. She could use the extra cash and the rent is idea for me right now. Plenty of room for the two of us.
This is a huge reason I haven't been able to post. Well, yeah, dating too, but if I am not working, out with the beau, I am at her place prepping the room and closet. Not to mention moving a number of things as time and space allows.
Life is just exceedingly busy and doesn't show any signs of slowing down anytime soon.
Which is all good. I wouldn't have it any other way. I finally feel like I am living my life.
Loving it and I see nothing to slow me down.
Though a pause would be nice.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Family Matters
A long time ago I talked about a part of my family.
They were a group I was pretty close to growing up and routinely saw them for the holidays and more.
Well as I mentioned so long ago it didn't sound like I was going to get a whole lot of support from that group.
Still I needed to tell them. At this point I had Christmas Eve rapidly approaching.
Earlier in the fall I had decided that out of all my cousins I would tell the third oldest first. (We'll call her Rock Girl, since she had an affinity for 80's hair bands, still does actually).
Out of all of my cousins she was the most open minded, even though she might be the most rebellious and outspoken.
She is also the one cousin I saw and talked to more often over the last few years.
Even though, the youngest and I are closest in age.
I'll call her Brat. Really I am not kidding she gets all full of drama at the slightest thing. (more I this very thing later)
Her sisters, as I have come to find out, often don't talk about things they have done without her. Because she will have a fit they didn't invite her AND she often doesn't make the effort to talk to anyone else. She ignores everyone unless she needs something then wonders why she gets left out. The other sisters talk constantly so often a gathering was a spur of the moment event.
I am digressing.
As for the two oldest I wasn't as close to them. Rock Girl just made a lot of sense. In fact my mom agreed with my assessment.
With that we has dinner shortly before the holidays. I had tried to reach her earlier but due to the things I was doing and she was out of the country on vacation. Well, it became much later in the month of December than I would have liked.
To keep this part of the story short since there is a considerable amount to tell. Dinner went fine. She already had her suspicions well over a year ago. Listened to everything I had to say. Asked some questions herself. In all it went well.
At the end of that night I reiterated the thought that she should take her time with this and let me know what she thought about approaching the rest of her family.
Little did I know what she was going to do.
By the time she called my Sunday night word had been spread.
She had talked to her Mom and Dad on Saturday. Then most of her sisters, a couple of the husbands and few of the older kids.
O_O
From what she realized to me that most of them seemed to be ok with it.
My Aunt stated that as long as I was happy she would be ok with it.
I even got some emails from a few of them all positive.
Rock Girl even told me they all wanted me to attend Xmas eve which is a tradition with that side of the family.
I was attending this last years since my father would be in attendance and I did not want to take away from any ones holidays. Really he was doing his best to not be nice to me lately and I just was not in the mood to feel uncomfortable all evening.
Now I am sure you are thinking this is the end of the story right?
Wrong.
This is a two parter.
After getting though some of the things I had scheduled for the first month of the year. I got in touch with Rock Girl again to discuss getting together.
She happily accepted and asked me if I minded if sister or two showed up.
I was good with that and we picked a Saturday afternoon in early February.
Only we didn't get together on that Saturday.
...
We switched to Friday night for dinner at my cousin's condo(which I had not seen yet) and I notified on Thursday night that lunch with three of my cousin's would now be all of them, two of the husbands, my oldest cousins two kids, and the son's girlfriend, along with my aunt and uncle.
That is now a head count of eleven.
Double O_O!!!
I didn't panic, though I wanted to, and I did go.
After some initial awkwardness, and with the help of a very humors moment at the dinning room table. Which consisted of my Aunt and Uncle, Rock Girl, and my eldest cousin's husband(I'll call him Jester because he is such a goof ball). The tension broke and everyone slowly drifted to the dinning area.
Rock Girl and I talked about this after everyone else had left. We both were thinking the same thing early on. That this was not going to go well. I can't say it was a rousing success but it went far better than I thought.
The following week I got some great responses from my Eldest cousin's kids. The oldest of which was supper sweet and she even told me she liked this version of me a lot better. My Aunt told Rock Girl this: "She is so in her element now. So relaxed and happy. You can see just by mannerisms it where she is meant to be." Even my Uncle upon meeting me was ok with it. I think meeting me and seeing how normal I really am makes a huge difference.
I even got a huge hug from him a few weeks later when I saw him and he asked me "How is my favorite niece doing?" Made my whole day! Nay, my whole month!
The Brat however has been a little put out with me for not telling her first and correcting her once when she got the pronouns wrong. Rock Girl told me not to take it personally because I didn't do anything wrong. She also agrees I will have to correct people when they get it wrong. I have to get people to think differently. I am not mean about it. Yet the Brat took it personally.
Since then I have been able to go out shopping with Rock Girl and even meet some more of the extended family on my Aunt's side(I mostly only see these people at graduations and funerals.
All in All reactions as I have met family have been positive and far better than what my father and brother have done. I get that it is hard, but you don't have to be complete jerks about it.
In other news I have had some extended cousins on my mom's side of the family. They have been super kind in with their words and when a few of them return back to the area for Easter weekend want to have dinner with me. I have also heard from my mom that a few other aunt and uncles on her side want to meet me too.
After the depressing results I have had in some cases, and the crippling fears, I have been very pleasantly surprised with what has transpired in recent weeks.
No, not everyone is on board but today I have far more supporting me than I did before.
And that is a good thing.
They were a group I was pretty close to growing up and routinely saw them for the holidays and more.
Well as I mentioned so long ago it didn't sound like I was going to get a whole lot of support from that group.
Still I needed to tell them. At this point I had Christmas Eve rapidly approaching.
Earlier in the fall I had decided that out of all my cousins I would tell the third oldest first. (We'll call her Rock Girl, since she had an affinity for 80's hair bands, still does actually).
Out of all of my cousins she was the most open minded, even though she might be the most rebellious and outspoken.
She is also the one cousin I saw and talked to more often over the last few years.
Even though, the youngest and I are closest in age.
I'll call her Brat. Really I am not kidding she gets all full of drama at the slightest thing. (more I this very thing later)
Her sisters, as I have come to find out, often don't talk about things they have done without her. Because she will have a fit they didn't invite her AND she often doesn't make the effort to talk to anyone else. She ignores everyone unless she needs something then wonders why she gets left out. The other sisters talk constantly so often a gathering was a spur of the moment event.
I am digressing.
As for the two oldest I wasn't as close to them. Rock Girl just made a lot of sense. In fact my mom agreed with my assessment.
With that we has dinner shortly before the holidays. I had tried to reach her earlier but due to the things I was doing and she was out of the country on vacation. Well, it became much later in the month of December than I would have liked.
To keep this part of the story short since there is a considerable amount to tell. Dinner went fine. She already had her suspicions well over a year ago. Listened to everything I had to say. Asked some questions herself. In all it went well.
At the end of that night I reiterated the thought that she should take her time with this and let me know what she thought about approaching the rest of her family.
Little did I know what she was going to do.
By the time she called my Sunday night word had been spread.
She had talked to her Mom and Dad on Saturday. Then most of her sisters, a couple of the husbands and few of the older kids.
O_O
From what she realized to me that most of them seemed to be ok with it.
My Aunt stated that as long as I was happy she would be ok with it.
I even got some emails from a few of them all positive.
Rock Girl even told me they all wanted me to attend Xmas eve which is a tradition with that side of the family.
I was attending this last years since my father would be in attendance and I did not want to take away from any ones holidays. Really he was doing his best to not be nice to me lately and I just was not in the mood to feel uncomfortable all evening.
Now I am sure you are thinking this is the end of the story right?
Wrong.
This is a two parter.
After getting though some of the things I had scheduled for the first month of the year. I got in touch with Rock Girl again to discuss getting together.
She happily accepted and asked me if I minded if sister or two showed up.
I was good with that and we picked a Saturday afternoon in early February.
Only we didn't get together on that Saturday.
...
We switched to Friday night for dinner at my cousin's condo(which I had not seen yet) and I notified on Thursday night that lunch with three of my cousin's would now be all of them, two of the husbands, my oldest cousins two kids, and the son's girlfriend, along with my aunt and uncle.
That is now a head count of eleven.
Double O_O!!!
I didn't panic, though I wanted to, and I did go.
After some initial awkwardness, and with the help of a very humors moment at the dinning room table. Which consisted of my Aunt and Uncle, Rock Girl, and my eldest cousin's husband(I'll call him Jester because he is such a goof ball). The tension broke and everyone slowly drifted to the dinning area.
Rock Girl and I talked about this after everyone else had left. We both were thinking the same thing early on. That this was not going to go well. I can't say it was a rousing success but it went far better than I thought.
The following week I got some great responses from my Eldest cousin's kids. The oldest of which was supper sweet and she even told me she liked this version of me a lot better. My Aunt told Rock Girl this: "She is so in her element now. So relaxed and happy. You can see just by mannerisms it where she is meant to be." Even my Uncle upon meeting me was ok with it. I think meeting me and seeing how normal I really am makes a huge difference.
I even got a huge hug from him a few weeks later when I saw him and he asked me "How is my favorite niece doing?" Made my whole day! Nay, my whole month!
The Brat however has been a little put out with me for not telling her first and correcting her once when she got the pronouns wrong. Rock Girl told me not to take it personally because I didn't do anything wrong. She also agrees I will have to correct people when they get it wrong. I have to get people to think differently. I am not mean about it. Yet the Brat took it personally.
Since then I have been able to go out shopping with Rock Girl and even meet some more of the extended family on my Aunt's side(I mostly only see these people at graduations and funerals.
All in All reactions as I have met family have been positive and far better than what my father and brother have done. I get that it is hard, but you don't have to be complete jerks about it.
In other news I have had some extended cousins on my mom's side of the family. They have been super kind in with their words and when a few of them return back to the area for Easter weekend want to have dinner with me. I have also heard from my mom that a few other aunt and uncles on her side want to meet me too.
After the depressing results I have had in some cases, and the crippling fears, I have been very pleasantly surprised with what has transpired in recent weeks.
No, not everyone is on board but today I have far more supporting me than I did before.
And that is a good thing.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Completing the Puzzle
Just another quick one.
This week I got not only my new Social Security card with my new name, but I also got my new driver's license.
Double bonus?
The picture on the DL is actually really good. I mean seriously how often does THAT happen!!!
:D
I can't stop staring at it. It is so nice to see that name on that document. I feels wondrous and I feel official.
As if no one can now take this from me and tell me I am not who I am.
More to come...I promise.
Right now life is just coming together in ways I never would have imagine.
It just feels good.
This week I got not only my new Social Security card with my new name, but I also got my new driver's license.
Double bonus?
The picture on the DL is actually really good. I mean seriously how often does THAT happen!!!
:D
I can't stop staring at it. It is so nice to see that name on that document. I feels wondrous and I feel official.
As if no one can now take this from me and tell me I am not who I am.
More to come...I promise.
Right now life is just coming together in ways I never would have imagine.
It just feels good.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Remodel
For those of you not reading my blog thought a news reader, no your eyes are not playing tricks on you.
It was time for a change around here and after a lot of napkin drawings, meetings, confrontations, union issues, I was able to find a new design I like.
So this is it. The new paint on my little corner of the internet.
I like it, I hope you do too.
*while no monkey's were harmed during the redesign process, a number of bananas sadly didn't make it.
It was time for a change around here and after a lot of napkin drawings, meetings, confrontations, union issues, I was able to find a new design I like.
So this is it. The new paint on my little corner of the internet.
I like it, I hope you do too.
*while no monkey's were harmed during the redesign process, a number of bananas sadly didn't make it.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Officially Semi-Official
This blog post title is sponsored by the Department of Redundancy Department.
Today was a big step in the process.
As mentioned my name changed got delayed a little because of a paperwork snafu.
Gotta love those!
Well delayed no more.
Today I got my name changed.
That is right I am officially Kelli Marie now!
No more other name.
Though I do now have to run around and change my name everywhere.
But it is a good problem to have.
Why the Semi-Official you might ask?
Well here in my home state we are no longer allowed to change the gender marker prior to having gender surgery.
I have to wait until that takes place change the birth certificate and visit the DMV yet again.
Oh well at least I can change it eventually.
In the mean time...
...WOO-HOO!!!! I am that much close to fully being me!!!!!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Brunch with B
This past weekend I finally had the chance to catch up with B.
He is back to first shift and loving it.
I am done with a lot of heaving lifting but I wasn't ready for a night out on the town.
Really with being only two weeks removed from surgery at that point 10pm comes and I am out of steam.
We did do lunch on Sunday. This is something we had done quite a few times in the past.
After lunch we descended on a favorite watering hole of his to catch up some more and see some other friends.
I know I surprised him at the restaurant when he saw the new hair color.
Took him a bit but he liked it.
He also took in the fact I was more comfortable with my hoodie being unzipped a little lower.
But the most telling was what he said shortly before I left.
"Kelli, You're different."
"Oh dear what did I do?"
"Oh, you did nothing wrong."
"Then why do you say I am different."
"Because you are. There is the quiet calm confidence about you now."
"Oh because I got a new hair color and boobs?"
"No, I am sure that helps, but that isn't it."
{Pause}
"Maybe it is the fact that for the first time in our entire history together that I go home today and I don't have to change back. That I get to just be me and I am better off for it. There is no anxiety, sadness, or depression to fight anymore."
"That is probably it, I just notice that you are far more relaxed and at ease today than I have ever seen you."
"Is that a good thing?"
"Oh yes. I like it. A lot!"
I love B. He has a way of saying things at just the right time. Even though he probably doesn't even realize that I need it said. (I probably didn't either)
His comment brought a huge smile to my face even though I know I had to leave shortly after I said it.
Yet he is right I am different I probably just don't even notice it.
I do feel it. More so the lack of all the bad stuff I was always dealing with. Which probably always seemed to weight me down. It is all just gone.
It was wonderful to see him again and since then we have already made plans to go out to see his cousin C in a few weeks. He and I will do Friday and Saturday night with her and the DJ.
I am so looking forward to it.
He is back to first shift and loving it.
I am done with a lot of heaving lifting but I wasn't ready for a night out on the town.
Really with being only two weeks removed from surgery at that point 10pm comes and I am out of steam.
We did do lunch on Sunday. This is something we had done quite a few times in the past.
After lunch we descended on a favorite watering hole of his to catch up some more and see some other friends.
I know I surprised him at the restaurant when he saw the new hair color.
Took him a bit but he liked it.
He also took in the fact I was more comfortable with my hoodie being unzipped a little lower.
But the most telling was what he said shortly before I left.
"Kelli, You're different."
"Oh dear what did I do?"
"Oh, you did nothing wrong."
"Then why do you say I am different."
"Because you are. There is the quiet calm confidence about you now."
"Oh because I got a new hair color and boobs?"
"No, I am sure that helps, but that isn't it."
{Pause}
"Maybe it is the fact that for the first time in our entire history together that I go home today and I don't have to change back. That I get to just be me and I am better off for it. There is no anxiety, sadness, or depression to fight anymore."
"That is probably it, I just notice that you are far more relaxed and at ease today than I have ever seen you."
"Is that a good thing?"
"Oh yes. I like it. A lot!"
I love B. He has a way of saying things at just the right time. Even though he probably doesn't even realize that I need it said. (I probably didn't either)
His comment brought a huge smile to my face even though I know I had to leave shortly after I said it.
Yet he is right I am different I probably just don't even notice it.
I do feel it. More so the lack of all the bad stuff I was always dealing with. Which probably always seemed to weight me down. It is all just gone.
It was wonderful to see him again and since then we have already made plans to go out to see his cousin C in a few weeks. He and I will do Friday and Saturday night with her and the DJ.
I am so looking forward to it.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Under The Knife
I recently went in for yet another surgical procedure.
Honestly I am getting tired of doing this, but it is what it is.
Thankfully I am down to only two more and the next one is all done while I am awake.
That last one is a doozy though.
Meanwhile there was something I wanted to get done.
I could have gone without it but honestly I don't think that would have worked for me.
See while on HRT(wow there is a thought I am just a few months shy of three years), I developed in some areas of my body and not others.
Where you ask?
Well my hips and butt filled out really, really well. Though I had unusually hips for a guy before they look wonderful now. I have no complaint at all since it seems most don't experience that.
What didn't happen was my breasts.
Well...I got a little but really I was still very, very flat chested.
Try as I might I was just uncomfortable being that way, so I always was relying on a set of breast forms to fill out my figure.
Honestly it made a huge difference to me and how I felt, plus it just seemed my figure worked better that way. Having something there.
And it didn't need to be big, a full C worked wonders for me, so that is what I decided I would do.
After struggling to find a local doctor who would work with me(as some didn't want to) or I just didn't care for them. I located one on the other side of my home state.
I couldn't have found someone better.
Not only was his consult amazing. I have never been so measured, pinched or prodded. With my arms raised and lowered. Etc.
I was there for nearly two and a half hours.
At the end when I was sitting down with the Doctor, he gave me full explanations of every option available along with what he thought would work the best. He also addressed my concerns about certain approaches to all this. Really he explained everything to me and did his best to make sure I was comfortable with what was going to happen.
Though he did tell me he didn't get many patients like me he did tell me that he wanted the best possible results along with a great experience. Going so far as to tell me if anyone gave me a hard time in the office to: Let. Him. Know. Personally.
I think that statement sold me right there.
I did have to wait for a price afterward but he was really only 10% higher than what I was being quoted elsewhere. If I could get one.
(Honestly, he is one of the top doctors in the country, is developing a new implant, and teaches all over the world. He could easily go to one of the coasts charge more and get it.)
With that I was hooked and I booked my date for the end of January.
As we all know that has come to pass.
So how did it go?
Beyond all my best expectations. This Doctor is not only talented, smart, but passionate about his craft. He truly works hard at getting the best results possible for his patients.
Even in the manner where he brought in a bucket of markers in a rainbow of colors. Using them to mark locations of everything you can thing of regarding a breast augmentation and quite a few you haven't.
Every mark in a different color so as to not confuse them.
I joked with him about if he was going to use 'every' color(honest he must have had thirty or more).
His response was that he didn't know but was certainly going to try. All with a chuckle.
My nurse who handled me throughout the entire process was even more wonderful. Her conversation with me as I woke up and starting to make sure everything was working was one of the sweetest I ever had. I was waking up from anesthesia so I don't recall exact words, I just remember how sweet she was, how extremely supportive she was and how cute a girl she thought I made. Nothing but compliments about how wonderful life should now be for me.
All done while making sure I was comfortable as possible and catering to every need. The constant warm blankets were the best.
The results?
Amazing, even just three weeks out they look wonderful and I know they are only going to get better in the coming months as they settle into their final position and shape.
Add to that the level of completeness I know feel which has been major boost to my confidence.
I don't worry that a shirt maybe low enough to show a area of skin that in the past would have a had me in panic mode. Feeling exposed.
All it needed to be was a sliver.
The more and more I look into the mirror now the less I see of him and the more I see of myself.
I am nearly there and so much the better for it.
Again I could have opted to skip this step and at times I was on the fence about it.
I am so glad I didn't and even more glad I found the surgeon I did.
I owe him just a big hug when I see him for a check up in coming weeks.
P.S. I forgot to mention that on my week one checkup(I saw his current student as he was out of town teaching.) to make sure everything was progressing as planned. That while there I had four people in the office come in and ask how I was doing along with hugs. I swear I cannot believe the positive reactions I have been getting all around. Yet the people in his office have been amazing. All of them.
Honestly I am getting tired of doing this, but it is what it is.
Thankfully I am down to only two more and the next one is all done while I am awake.
That last one is a doozy though.
Meanwhile there was something I wanted to get done.
I could have gone without it but honestly I don't think that would have worked for me.
See while on HRT(wow there is a thought I am just a few months shy of three years), I developed in some areas of my body and not others.
Where you ask?
Well my hips and butt filled out really, really well. Though I had unusually hips for a guy before they look wonderful now. I have no complaint at all since it seems most don't experience that.
What didn't happen was my breasts.
Well...I got a little but really I was still very, very flat chested.
Try as I might I was just uncomfortable being that way, so I always was relying on a set of breast forms to fill out my figure.
Honestly it made a huge difference to me and how I felt, plus it just seemed my figure worked better that way. Having something there.
And it didn't need to be big, a full C worked wonders for me, so that is what I decided I would do.
After struggling to find a local doctor who would work with me(as some didn't want to) or I just didn't care for them. I located one on the other side of my home state.
I couldn't have found someone better.
Not only was his consult amazing. I have never been so measured, pinched or prodded. With my arms raised and lowered. Etc.
I was there for nearly two and a half hours.
At the end when I was sitting down with the Doctor, he gave me full explanations of every option available along with what he thought would work the best. He also addressed my concerns about certain approaches to all this. Really he explained everything to me and did his best to make sure I was comfortable with what was going to happen.
Though he did tell me he didn't get many patients like me he did tell me that he wanted the best possible results along with a great experience. Going so far as to tell me if anyone gave me a hard time in the office to: Let. Him. Know. Personally.
I think that statement sold me right there.
I did have to wait for a price afterward but he was really only 10% higher than what I was being quoted elsewhere. If I could get one.
(Honestly, he is one of the top doctors in the country, is developing a new implant, and teaches all over the world. He could easily go to one of the coasts charge more and get it.)
With that I was hooked and I booked my date for the end of January.
As we all know that has come to pass.
So how did it go?
Beyond all my best expectations. This Doctor is not only talented, smart, but passionate about his craft. He truly works hard at getting the best results possible for his patients.
Even in the manner where he brought in a bucket of markers in a rainbow of colors. Using them to mark locations of everything you can thing of regarding a breast augmentation and quite a few you haven't.
Every mark in a different color so as to not confuse them.
I joked with him about if he was going to use 'every' color(honest he must have had thirty or more).
His response was that he didn't know but was certainly going to try. All with a chuckle.
My nurse who handled me throughout the entire process was even more wonderful. Her conversation with me as I woke up and starting to make sure everything was working was one of the sweetest I ever had. I was waking up from anesthesia so I don't recall exact words, I just remember how sweet she was, how extremely supportive she was and how cute a girl she thought I made. Nothing but compliments about how wonderful life should now be for me.
All done while making sure I was comfortable as possible and catering to every need. The constant warm blankets were the best.
The results?
Amazing, even just three weeks out they look wonderful and I know they are only going to get better in the coming months as they settle into their final position and shape.
Add to that the level of completeness I know feel which has been major boost to my confidence.
I don't worry that a shirt maybe low enough to show a area of skin that in the past would have a had me in panic mode. Feeling exposed.
All it needed to be was a sliver.
The more and more I look into the mirror now the less I see of him and the more I see of myself.
I am nearly there and so much the better for it.
Again I could have opted to skip this step and at times I was on the fence about it.
I am so glad I didn't and even more glad I found the surgeon I did.
I owe him just a big hug when I see him for a check up in coming weeks.
P.S. I forgot to mention that on my week one checkup(I saw his current student as he was out of town teaching.) to make sure everything was progressing as planned. That while there I had four people in the office come in and ask how I was doing along with hugs. I swear I cannot believe the positive reactions I have been getting all around. Yet the people in his office have been amazing. All of them.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The Ugly Truth
I have a secret.
Really there is something I haven't mentioned on this blog.
Ever.
I am still afraid too and you might think less me after I tell you.
*sigh*
Here goes nothing.
I am not really blonde.
*GASP*
If you can get past the shock and awe that of this declaration. I want to talk to you about it.
My natural color is a rather sandy brown.
I know what the title of my blog is, I frankly picked it for two reasons.
One, I did color my hear blonder because my hair would change from a moderate brown to nearly the color of light sand if I left it alone during the summer.
The issue was my family has a proclivity to turn gray early.
I had reached that point quite a while back.
So I had been slowly adding blonde highlights to it once it became long enough a few years back to the point that I was a solid dirty blonde in hair color.
Second, and more accurately I named this blog the way I did because I liked the play on the old Clint Eastwood movie title. Plus it accurately represented what I thought transition was.
Good moments, Bad moments, and quite a few Blonde(or Duh) moments.
I honestly thought I would keep it and even go blonder after full time.
Right up until last Wednesday.
I can't even claim brown anymore either.
Well not completely.
With a hair transplant procedure pending for late April I thought it might be prudent to pick a color that would blend easier as transplanted hair grew out. Also I know bleaching is rather harsh on the hair.
I brought all this up Wednesday afternoon when I was at my hair appointment with my stylist. Who firmly agreed with the idea. It would make her job easier, my dealing with it easier and hopefully less damaging to my hair.
(You can color it after four weeks you just have to give your scalp time to heal after the procedure.)
However she knew I still wanted something fun and different. So she pulled out her books of coloring ideas and we proceeded to peruse the pages in an attempt to find an idea.
And did we ever find one. I saw an example, I pointed, and said 'how about that?'.
"Really?"
She looked at me a moment.
"Actually I think with your skin tone it would look great on you. You sure?"
I hesitated for just a few moments to really think about it.
"Yes."
Away she went, she did tell me she would cut the secondary color back just a bit so that the overall effected would be subtle. Especially after it washed out at bit.
After sitting nervously in the chair for 15 minutes, freaking when after she washed it out. I really started to grow on me. A lot!
Once I saw it styled out I could not stop grinning it was a huge change for me but I also loved how it looked.
What did I get?
Well if you look at the picture below, that is extremely close. As in it is almost a perfect match. It is mostly brown with a wonderful reddish tone to it.
The response?
Everyone has liked it. Women particularly but I have even gotten a few compliments from guys, including a few at work.
I will be honest I did freak myself out the following morning when I first got up and looked into the mirror. I just wasn't use to it.
And that is my dirty little secret. I am no longer blonde. I now have brownish red hair.
I do hope you call all forgive me.
But I love it and I am keeping it.
:D
Really there is something I haven't mentioned on this blog.
Ever.
I am still afraid too and you might think less me after I tell you.
*sigh*
Here goes nothing.
I am not really blonde.
*GASP*
If you can get past the shock and awe that of this declaration. I want to talk to you about it.
My natural color is a rather sandy brown.
I know what the title of my blog is, I frankly picked it for two reasons.
One, I did color my hear blonder because my hair would change from a moderate brown to nearly the color of light sand if I left it alone during the summer.
The issue was my family has a proclivity to turn gray early.
I had reached that point quite a while back.
So I had been slowly adding blonde highlights to it once it became long enough a few years back to the point that I was a solid dirty blonde in hair color.
Second, and more accurately I named this blog the way I did because I liked the play on the old Clint Eastwood movie title. Plus it accurately represented what I thought transition was.
Good moments, Bad moments, and quite a few Blonde(or Duh) moments.
I honestly thought I would keep it and even go blonder after full time.
Right up until last Wednesday.
I can't even claim brown anymore either.
Well not completely.
With a hair transplant procedure pending for late April I thought it might be prudent to pick a color that would blend easier as transplanted hair grew out. Also I know bleaching is rather harsh on the hair.
I brought all this up Wednesday afternoon when I was at my hair appointment with my stylist. Who firmly agreed with the idea. It would make her job easier, my dealing with it easier and hopefully less damaging to my hair.
(You can color it after four weeks you just have to give your scalp time to heal after the procedure.)
However she knew I still wanted something fun and different. So she pulled out her books of coloring ideas and we proceeded to peruse the pages in an attempt to find an idea.
And did we ever find one. I saw an example, I pointed, and said 'how about that?'.
"Really?"
She looked at me a moment.
"Actually I think with your skin tone it would look great on you. You sure?"
I hesitated for just a few moments to really think about it.
"Yes."
Away she went, she did tell me she would cut the secondary color back just a bit so that the overall effected would be subtle. Especially after it washed out at bit.
After sitting nervously in the chair for 15 minutes, freaking when after she washed it out. I really started to grow on me. A lot!
Once I saw it styled out I could not stop grinning it was a huge change for me but I also loved how it looked.
What did I get?
Well if you look at the picture below, that is extremely close. As in it is almost a perfect match. It is mostly brown with a wonderful reddish tone to it.
The response?
Everyone has liked it. Women particularly but I have even gotten a few compliments from guys, including a few at work.
I will be honest I did freak myself out the following morning when I first got up and looked into the mirror. I just wasn't use to it.
And that is my dirty little secret. I am no longer blonde. I now have brownish red hair.
I do hope you call all forgive me.
But I love it and I am keeping it.
:D
Monday, February 13, 2012
Baby, You Can Drive My Car
Near the middle January I was running into a dilemma.
As I mentioned here I had a delay in my name change.
Thus all my credit info was still in my old name.
What is the dilemma?
Well, my car lease was near expiring, not to mention, I was about to cross over my mileage limit.
I knew this was approaching so I tried to deal with it in December. I called the salesman over at the dealership I got the current one from but due to my lease being through a third party(in early 2009 with the financial crisis happening there were not a lot of deals to be found with the US automakers. Seeing as I work indirectly for one I knew it was in my best interest to purchase from that one.) I did not qualify for a number of rebates.
So I had to wait.
Well with the aforementioned lease turn in date getting closer and mileage issue. I kept calling him.
And he kept blowing me off.
I was getting frustrated.
It was about this time I found out one of the other engineers I work with had purchased a new vehicle during our company break over the holidays. I asked if he liked his sales person. He did and later brought in her business card.
After getting blown off a fifth time, I had had enough.
I called her very late on a Monday night. Right near closing time in fact.
Now since I had not changed my name yet(not my fault remember). I did my best to drop my voice, introduce myself as him, and explain the situation regarding the car. I said nothing about me.
Well she stayed on the phone for nearly and hour with me, past the time she would be due to go home. Found a car for me that worked. Had a the payment I wanted (nothing like upgrading your car and paying $85 less a month), she took a credit card to hold it and my info for a credit check. With a promise to call midday on Tuesday, as she had a doctors appointment early, with some final info on numbers.
As promised she did(scary I know, considering my past issues), gave me the final number on what it would take to get the car out the door, told me my credit was approved and I confirmed I would indeed be there around 5pm to pick it up.
There I was, happy to be getting a new car, upgrading features, getting a lower payment and avoiding building up to many miles over my limit.
Just one issue.
Figure it out yet?
That is right I was leaving straight from work to pickup my new car before they closed and I am no longer living as a man.
Yet all the paperwork was in his name.
What to do, indeed.
So what did I do?
Bet you want to know.
I guess I have to tell you don't I?
:D
After I left the office I called her while I was driving to the dealership. I told her I needed to explain something. I went over the whole thing about how I was transsexual and changing from male to female. There there was a delay in my legal name change causing the current issue. That I would look like a girl when I walked in and I would appreciate her referring to me as Kelli.
She seemed ok with it, asked a few quick questions and said she would see me at five.
I had no idea what to expect when I got there.
After pulling in, walking up the receptionist and asking for Teresa, and the receptionist paged her overhead.
This slightly shorter, cheery woman walked up with a quizzical look on her face and asked: "Kelli?"
When I replied yes her eye popped out of her head but she didn't miss a beat. Inviting my over to her desk. Going over some items, getting the final mileage from my old car, to even chatting with me about life and shopping while we waited for the finance guy to free up, so I could get the amount for the check I needed to write to get out the door.
The whole time she referred to me as Kelli or Ms. {Lastname}
Mostly Kelli.
Even the finance guy was superb.
Once we got out to my new car so that she could show me the new features did it really get interesting.
As soon as we were seated inside she blurted this out:
"OMG GIRL!!! I am so glad you told me because I was so confused. Even Monday night when we were on the phone you didn't sound like a guy, yet you were telling me you were one. AND let me just say, this so fits and you look amazing!!! I was stunned when I finally saw you. You are one pretty girl. At that point it all made sense."
I was a little shocked and she continued.
She wanted to know how things where. What was happening, she had some questions about the process, but was great and super happy for me. In fact I was having another surgical procedure at the end of that week (I know I need to tell that story too) which I revealed as we were talking. She told me she would call to check up on me while I was off(which she totally did), and while we were talking shopping she mentioned some great resales stores she knew on her side of town. When I pulled my phone out to take some notes. She waived me off.
"Forget that, when you are up and able again give me a call. We'll go shopping! I take you around and I need some more shopping friends anyway!"
I was shocked. Stunned even. Though since talking to her after that. She has been warm and friendly, along with being near my age(though older) we could relate to a lot of things.
She has been fun to talk to, and I have that shopping trip already coming up in the near future.
My life has been crazy the past few weeks and a total whirlwind at times, but getting reactions like this just make me feel that much better. People are getting it, realizing I am normal and just want to quietly live my life as me. I know there will be some negative, but so far the positive has FAR outweighed the negative.
Did I mention I think I found a new friend and shopping partner?
How cool is that?
As I mentioned here I had a delay in my name change.
Thus all my credit info was still in my old name.
What is the dilemma?
Well, my car lease was near expiring, not to mention, I was about to cross over my mileage limit.
I knew this was approaching so I tried to deal with it in December. I called the salesman over at the dealership I got the current one from but due to my lease being through a third party(in early 2009 with the financial crisis happening there were not a lot of deals to be found with the US automakers. Seeing as I work indirectly for one I knew it was in my best interest to purchase from that one.) I did not qualify for a number of rebates.
So I had to wait.
Well with the aforementioned lease turn in date getting closer and mileage issue. I kept calling him.
And he kept blowing me off.
I was getting frustrated.
It was about this time I found out one of the other engineers I work with had purchased a new vehicle during our company break over the holidays. I asked if he liked his sales person. He did and later brought in her business card.
After getting blown off a fifth time, I had had enough.
I called her very late on a Monday night. Right near closing time in fact.
Now since I had not changed my name yet(not my fault remember). I did my best to drop my voice, introduce myself as him, and explain the situation regarding the car. I said nothing about me.
Well she stayed on the phone for nearly and hour with me, past the time she would be due to go home. Found a car for me that worked. Had a the payment I wanted (nothing like upgrading your car and paying $85 less a month), she took a credit card to hold it and my info for a credit check. With a promise to call midday on Tuesday, as she had a doctors appointment early, with some final info on numbers.
As promised she did(scary I know, considering my past issues), gave me the final number on what it would take to get the car out the door, told me my credit was approved and I confirmed I would indeed be there around 5pm to pick it up.
There I was, happy to be getting a new car, upgrading features, getting a lower payment and avoiding building up to many miles over my limit.
Just one issue.
Figure it out yet?
That is right I was leaving straight from work to pickup my new car before they closed and I am no longer living as a man.
Yet all the paperwork was in his name.
What to do, indeed.
So what did I do?
Bet you want to know.
I guess I have to tell you don't I?
:D
After I left the office I called her while I was driving to the dealership. I told her I needed to explain something. I went over the whole thing about how I was transsexual and changing from male to female. There there was a delay in my legal name change causing the current issue. That I would look like a girl when I walked in and I would appreciate her referring to me as Kelli.
She seemed ok with it, asked a few quick questions and said she would see me at five.
I had no idea what to expect when I got there.
After pulling in, walking up the receptionist and asking for Teresa, and the receptionist paged her overhead.
This slightly shorter, cheery woman walked up with a quizzical look on her face and asked: "Kelli?"
When I replied yes her eye popped out of her head but she didn't miss a beat. Inviting my over to her desk. Going over some items, getting the final mileage from my old car, to even chatting with me about life and shopping while we waited for the finance guy to free up, so I could get the amount for the check I needed to write to get out the door.
The whole time she referred to me as Kelli or Ms. {Lastname}
Mostly Kelli.
Even the finance guy was superb.
Once we got out to my new car so that she could show me the new features did it really get interesting.
As soon as we were seated inside she blurted this out:
"OMG GIRL!!! I am so glad you told me because I was so confused. Even Monday night when we were on the phone you didn't sound like a guy, yet you were telling me you were one. AND let me just say, this so fits and you look amazing!!! I was stunned when I finally saw you. You are one pretty girl. At that point it all made sense."
I was a little shocked and she continued.
She wanted to know how things where. What was happening, she had some questions about the process, but was great and super happy for me. In fact I was having another surgical procedure at the end of that week (I know I need to tell that story too) which I revealed as we were talking. She told me she would call to check up on me while I was off(which she totally did), and while we were talking shopping she mentioned some great resales stores she knew on her side of town. When I pulled my phone out to take some notes. She waived me off.
"Forget that, when you are up and able again give me a call. We'll go shopping! I take you around and I need some more shopping friends anyway!"
I was shocked. Stunned even. Though since talking to her after that. She has been warm and friendly, along with being near my age(though older) we could relate to a lot of things.
She has been fun to talk to, and I have that shopping trip already coming up in the near future.
My life has been crazy the past few weeks and a total whirlwind at times, but getting reactions like this just make me feel that much better. People are getting it, realizing I am normal and just want to quietly live my life as me. I know there will be some negative, but so far the positive has FAR outweighed the negative.
Did I mention I think I found a new friend and shopping partner?
How cool is that?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Coming Up For Air
Wow I am behind.
Really.
Far.
Behind.
So far behind in fact that this statement is probably now true:
"I was put on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die."
I have a ton of things to catch up on and yet no time to do so.
Life post full time has become just that.
Busy.
It is almost as if my life was put on hold all these years and all of a sudden I am moving at fast forward speeds.
No it isn't perfect. Nor did I get a ticker tape parade or a unicorn.
(I have this sneaking suspicion that the reason why is in the handbook, but since I never got my copy of that...)
I am however slowly loosing my anxiety and actually enjoying being me.
For example.
Readers who have been following me for a while know I am a skier.
As in downhill.
With snow.
This year I made the effort to go when I was able to before other things took place and I would not be able to.
To put it simply I never have enjoyed skiing so much. I was relaxed, comfortable and all day long even bundled in warm ski garb, I got; 'have a great day miss' from the chair lift attendants.
It boggles my mind at times that I get this of response. Though there is no giggle or surge of excitement. Really it just feels right and the more I hear it the more I relax.
Still I have to temper this with the fact that my state police department 'lost' my background check.
See I told it hasn't all been warm and fuzzies.
Seems when I called the court house to find out what was happening with my name change, I was informed they never got the background check that I sent to the state police.
(I don't know if it is required in all the other states but I know it is true with most. To change your name these days you have to file the petition, get your fingerprints taken, send that off to the state police to have them and the FBI do a background check. Then the courts have to make a public announcement 30 prior to the change. After all that you get a court date and you know the rest.)
After I called the state police, I was informed they never got my request.
O_o
Really?
Thankfully at home I had the postal service delivery confirmation along with a copy of the cashed check.
After an afternoon in voice mail purgatory the court house went to bat for me and called themselves. Finally my request was 'found' and a new copy being mailed out the court house. Because the last one was 'lost'.
Whatever.
At least it is all moving forward and I should be able to change my name in about four weeks.
I also had to come out to some extended family right before the holidays. Which proved both good and bad. (I am going to tell the story in a different post.)
I am sure what everyone wants to hear is work.
Well here I am four weeks later and I am still alive and still employed.
What you think I wasn't?
Shame on you.
Yes, the first few weeks were nerve racking but at the same time I knew it had to be done.
I haven't had one single bad reaction. At least publicly.
I have gotten a lot of support. Several hugs from the female population.
My favorite response had been from the facility manager. She and I were in the small lunch room in this building and she walked up to me and said this:
"Kelli I get it now. You look far better as a woman than you ever did as a man. I for one am jealous you look as good as you do, but you are going to do great! Love it and good luck!"
This was said to me on my second day back.
It was a bumpy start but the nerves settled and more than a few co-workers have said I look far happier and more relaxed.
Yes there has been some pronoun slippage but they always catch themselves and I know it will take some time.
So I am not running to HR every day. That was never my intention.
I even have had a few offers to go to lunch with people and I have been able to accept a few of those already.
It as been very positive thus far and I do hope it continues.
I do hope to have some time to post in the near future. I have things I want to cover and some items I need to get off my conscience.
Just be patient. All good things come to those who wait.
Really.
Far.
Behind.
So far behind in fact that this statement is probably now true:
"I was put on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die."
I have a ton of things to catch up on and yet no time to do so.
Life post full time has become just that.
Busy.
It is almost as if my life was put on hold all these years and all of a sudden I am moving at fast forward speeds.
No it isn't perfect. Nor did I get a ticker tape parade or a unicorn.
(I have this sneaking suspicion that the reason why is in the handbook, but since I never got my copy of that...)
I am however slowly loosing my anxiety and actually enjoying being me.
For example.
Readers who have been following me for a while know I am a skier.
As in downhill.
With snow.
This year I made the effort to go when I was able to before other things took place and I would not be able to.
To put it simply I never have enjoyed skiing so much. I was relaxed, comfortable and all day long even bundled in warm ski garb, I got; 'have a great day miss' from the chair lift attendants.
It boggles my mind at times that I get this of response. Though there is no giggle or surge of excitement. Really it just feels right and the more I hear it the more I relax.
Still I have to temper this with the fact that my state police department 'lost' my background check.
See I told it hasn't all been warm and fuzzies.
Seems when I called the court house to find out what was happening with my name change, I was informed they never got the background check that I sent to the state police.
(I don't know if it is required in all the other states but I know it is true with most. To change your name these days you have to file the petition, get your fingerprints taken, send that off to the state police to have them and the FBI do a background check. Then the courts have to make a public announcement 30 prior to the change. After all that you get a court date and you know the rest.)
After I called the state police, I was informed they never got my request.
O_o
Really?
Thankfully at home I had the postal service delivery confirmation along with a copy of the cashed check.
After an afternoon in voice mail purgatory the court house went to bat for me and called themselves. Finally my request was 'found' and a new copy being mailed out the court house. Because the last one was 'lost'.
Whatever.
At least it is all moving forward and I should be able to change my name in about four weeks.
I also had to come out to some extended family right before the holidays. Which proved both good and bad. (I am going to tell the story in a different post.)
I am sure what everyone wants to hear is work.
Well here I am four weeks later and I am still alive and still employed.
What you think I wasn't?
Shame on you.
Yes, the first few weeks were nerve racking but at the same time I knew it had to be done.
I haven't had one single bad reaction. At least publicly.
I have gotten a lot of support. Several hugs from the female population.
My favorite response had been from the facility manager. She and I were in the small lunch room in this building and she walked up to me and said this:
"Kelli I get it now. You look far better as a woman than you ever did as a man. I for one am jealous you look as good as you do, but you are going to do great! Love it and good luck!"
This was said to me on my second day back.
It was a bumpy start but the nerves settled and more than a few co-workers have said I look far happier and more relaxed.
Yes there has been some pronoun slippage but they always catch themselves and I know it will take some time.
So I am not running to HR every day. That was never my intention.
I even have had a few offers to go to lunch with people and I have been able to accept a few of those already.
It as been very positive thus far and I do hope it continues.
I do hope to have some time to post in the near future. I have things I want to cover and some items I need to get off my conscience.
Just be patient. All good things come to those who wait.
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