Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Rage Against the Machine

I know I can't speak for anyone else.

Others may feel or have felt this way.

But right now I am feeling a lot of angst, anger, frustration, irritation, hindrance, disgruntlement, chagrin, and general annoyance at everything.

Well not everything, but most things.

I'm really sick of being him.

The longer I am on hormones the more I chafe at the time I have to spend at him. Wearing guy clothing is feeling like I am crossdressing.

I find myself uncomfortable in them. Like a costume.

*It is then I feel like I am fooling people not the other way around.*

They also make me feel like I am suppressing my personality. As I want to be more outwardly expressive, yet with how I appear I can't.

And I am not talking about going nuts but I like cute, most of my attire is 70% in the cute range.

Appearance is a minor issue.

Cause when I get to cross gender expression I feel right when I let my full personality.

I feel trapped inside a life that isn't mine and I am starting to rail against it.

I can get out to be me, as if that was even enough. I want to be me all the time, 100% of the time.

Not part of the time.

The other thing is I feel that having let myself get to this point, 35 years of living as a man, I still have a lot to undo.

Really, think about it, I have spent 25 years convincing the world that he exists.

Not to mention trying to convince myself that he was me.

To some extent I was successful. I had carved out a life that was rather good and some aspects of it I have enjoyed. But it has never been me.

Know this yet still forced to live it 90% of the time is starting to drag me down and becoming very frustrating.

I am ready to start moving things forward more.

I know there are issues at hand that still have to be dealt with. I am going to have to show some incredible amounts of patience.

The other thing bothering me is the fact that I feel I am going to have to do some fairly strong convincing when I start outing myself. Mostly with family and work.

I just feel they are going to have a hard time seeing it. Even when it is right in front of them.

I am just feeling the pressure to move forward along with the pressure to maintain. It isn't fun and thus I am feeling a little pugnacious lately. More so then usual.


Melissa said...

I know. It's no fun to have to suppress the real you, especially when you feel like a fraud presenting yourself as a man. Doing that when I was working, made me feel paranoid and often led to panic attacks.

You have yet to show us any pictures of yourself, but you have described yourself as very passable. If that's so, then you might have far fewer problems with acceptance than you might think, especially if you are attractive as a girl. I know this isn't fair to those who are less attractive, but appearance means so much to how you are perceived by others. If when looking at you, others see an attractive woman, and not a man in women's clothing, they have a much easier time accepting you as a woman, even if they know you are still anatomically male. It's a very unfair cultural bias, because if you compare an average random sampling of pictures of both men and women, you will see that a good 50% of the women, are no more attractive than the men.

Melissa XX

Jessica Lyn said...

I feel just about the same as you and I have yet to even start taking hormones. I was just talking about this with my friend (girl) at work today... how I just want to be me and leave the guy behind. But I know I'm not ready to do so right now. But my time will come soon enough and yours will come even sooner. When the time is right, you'll know it. Hang in there hun.

Kelli Bennett said...

@Melissa, I don't post them because I simply am not comfortable doing so just yet. Yes there are those that will tell me I have nothing to worry about and I probably don't. I think the issue is I still need a little help to present the world with the image of a woman. Until I can do that naturally I think I will remain mysterious. ;)

I have a feeling the day will come but it just hasn't yet.

@Jessica, I know the day will come soon. My frustration comes with I don't know how soon just yet and there are hurdles to overcome. The goal is by years end to be full time. GRS the year after. If everything goes well.

Jerica said...

I completely understand, girl. I recently took 10 days vacation and didn't have to touch any guy clothes. Going back to work again was very very depressing, mostly the foreshadowing of it. I'm back in the swing of things with a date in mind of when I'll never have to live as a guy again...that helps. =)

BTW You've been awarded The Glamorous Blog Award =)