Friday, January 8, 2010

Comfortably Numb

I guess you could say I am feeling better. The anguish and extreme sadness has finally softened to a manageable level. I still feel this emptiness where she used to fill it up. At least I feel my psyche returning to a normal level.

I guess you could say I am functioning again. Finally.

However there are issues here to be dealt with.

I spent a lot of time talking about them last night with my therapist.

Before the holidays we fought.

A lot.


And some of them were down right ugly.

Right into the holidays.

I feel the only reason it stopped was because of the holidays and simply for the fact I think we just wore ourselves out.

I don't feel anything was resolved.

Imagine two armies battling to the point of exhaustion, then both sides retreating to regather and stare at each other for a few days across the battlefield before attacking again.

No one was the winner or loser.

No ground was gained or lost.

There was, however, a lot of carnage and destruction wrought.

Then you have the tragedy that came out of nowhere.

I understand we had to lean on each other. We both cared about her, we both loved her, we both were very distraught over her loss.

I get that, who else was going to understand how you felt. People could feel sympathetic but only the two of us really knew how the other felt.

Since we were feeling it our self.

The impression I get though is that since that happened she has forgotten about what happened before the holidays.

That makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Now that the pain is receding I am once again pulling away. I'll admit I have been prior to everything happening. I don't know exactly what to do with this, but I feel that no matter what happens it isn't going to end well.

So I have been bottling up those emotions so that I can get through this.

Plus with all that was said and done I don't feel right sharing them.

I didn't mind when we lost our dog. I needed it as much as she did. And she was just as good an owner as I was. She deserved the support I gave her.

I don't feel I can do that now.

I also don't feel it is right to use the loss of a loved one to wipe the slate clean, let bygones be bygones or act like nothing else is wrong.

She might think everything is fine.

I still feel as if I am on the other side of the conflict huddled in my foxhole just waiting for the next barrage.