Publicity

Contrary to popular opinion. (Granted I don't really know who's opinion that would be)

I don't seek or desire attention.

In fact I am a rather private person.

I know you are going to tell me; "But Kelli you have a public blog and write about your trials and tribulations regarding your life."

I understand, but this site was really just started as an outlet for items and issues rolling around in my head.

Which it has been very effective in providing me. I never expected anyone else to actually read these ramblings. I just feel better getting them out.

I just don't actively seek attention.

The need to thrust myself into the public eye and make a spectacle of myself just simply is not there

My friend J noted this recently. As she made mention that I am friendly and polite. Sweet and sociable. Fun loving and adventurous, but I don't force the issue. I am open to meeting new people but I am very cautious as to whom I become friends with. I just don't try to make myself the center of attention.

Nor do I feel the need to participate in events that really are just ego fueled attempts at vanity.

I am just me.

Simple fun loving me.

This plays into the desire to not transition in a very public manner.

I would love to simply disappear for a few months, take care of some to the things I want have done. Then simply come back as me and build my life from there.

Ok, I know life can't be that simple or easy.

Still I think I would prefer to minimize the public facing transition as much as possible. Sans the family and friends.

I just don't feel I need or want to place this process in front of more people then I really need too.

Which really was the topic of discussion in my last post.

It wasn't so much working with and for my friend. If he is accepting and willing to deal with it. I am more then willing to work for him.

I just don't know if I want to be a consultant again visiting all those new people all the time.

I would hate to have to walk around in eight or ten months from now and having to say.

"Hi, I am the engineer formerly known as <insert boy name>"

I understand I will always be trans and that I will have a unique trans history.

I just don't feel I need to broadcast that to the world at large unless I absolutely need to.

Times like this really make me wish I wouldn't have been so afraid to come out years ago. Much of this would already be past me and I would have been working as myself for years.

I have to get over that as I cannot beat myself up over the past and carry those regrets around.

It will be an interesting couple of months as I not only plan to tell him, but I have other friends on the list to disclose to over this summer.

I understand the need for disclosure but that doesn't mean I have to like doing it so much.

To me that is going to generate enough publicity and attention.

I really don't need anymore right now.

Dilemma

Yep, I have got me a good one.

This was something that I was completely not expecting.

It came totally out of nowhere.

It also has fantastically wonderful timing.

Not!

If you have been following along I have mentioned previously I have been doing some side work for a friend.

I have a rather unique and valuable skill set that not many people in the field have.

It generates a lot of interest and I get number of calls from recruiters.

Now this friend that I am working for is a former college. He and I worked together for over four years and have know each other for over thirteen. We really came into the field and that company almost at the same time.

We had some interesting times. Very long days, nights and sometimes they all ran together. As we tried to bail out other engineers or even the companies themselves. We actually became friends through all this.

I however saw the change in management when we were absorbed by a larger company.

And left after four years.

He remained on for several more before going off to a few small integrators, then decided to just do it on his own.

I have worked with him from time to time over the years as I continued to work as a consultant for many more years until just over two years ago.

When I felt I was just burnt out on the lifestyle after twelve plus years.

It also didn't hurt that the opportunity to work where I do now was dropped into my lap.

So I left the mad paced consulting world and took an administrators gig at a rather large office.

I have enjoyed it for the most part, however upper management has shown a rather weak willed approach to maintaining our environment.

I may have mentioned it at one point in time.

Though even with all that there is a great diversity policy and anti discrimination policy here. It is also a strong and stable company. I feel that I stand a very good chance of at least getting through most of my transition without too many issues.

Then hopefully if things were that uncomfortable with co-workers and the immediate department I could at least then move on as myself.

It seemed like a good plan.

Until almost a week ago.

My friend called me the day after we had spent time at one of his customers in the evening.

We had talked about all types of things while I did my thing.

So the next day he was getting some updates to me.

When he shocked me silly.

He offered me a full time job.

...

The rub?

He doesn't know. He is on my list to disclose my function to, but honestly I really was not ready for this one, just yet.

My answer?

I don't know.

I really don't.

Really the idea of transitioning while in front of clients and customers does not seem that appealing to me.

On the other side it is more money and he has a ton of work. He is also one of the very few people who could tempt me back into the consulting realm.

He was on the eve of leaving for a vacation so I begged off that we would talk about it when he gets back. I really didn't want to ruin his trip nor make things difficult for me to finish the projects for him that I have while he is gone.

The major issue is do I disclose to him what my issue is when I do talk to hm about that. So that he isn't hiring me under the pretense of not knowing what I am going to do.

Because as we know I am transitioning.

It is not gonna happen people, it is happening.

I would think he would want to know why I might be turning him down.

The second issue is do I want to subject myself to that scrutiny of trying to transition while constantly in front of all these new people and strangers?

It is truly a quandary.

Thankfully I still have time to think about this one. Well at least the weekend.

He is back on Monday.

I do think I will have to disclose to him what is going on. Let him know that if he wants to hire me I will need time to make some changes. If not I can still work on the side as I do have the rest of this year mostly open. The major transition stuff will happen after the first of the year.

The issue with that is will he still let me work on the side?

Since the money is that good and we all know how expensive transition is.

It just came very unexpectedly right now.

And it isn't like I haven't already had a lot of things on my mind.

Exhale

Well it wasn't good.

But it wasn't that bad either.

I was there earlier they they were, so I got about two hours with the various family members.

However once my parents came I didn't say a word to my Dad.

Nor did he have anything to say to me.

Mom was still supportive though she got a little pushy with certain topics.

It is going to take some effort to reign her in.

Still a major scene was avoided and hopefully no one noticed.

I did however leave shortly after they got there. The tension was too great.

Where it goes from here, I don't know.

All I can do is the best that I can.

*sigh*

Holding My Breath

Tomorrow I have attend my last set of graduation parties for this season.

Thankfully this year has been the last big bunch of them. I have two more in two years and that really ends any that I should have in the near future.

The issues with this one is that it is very close family this time around.

Which means my parents will be there.

Now obviously I won't have an issue with my mother.

Dad as we know remains a mystery.

Now I am fairly positive he will not make a scene or do anything intentional.

At least I hope so.

I am more worried that he will flat out ignore me or refuse to say anything.

Knowing this side of the family people might catch wind of that.

And sense the tension should there be any.

Really, even if he decides he doesn't want to talk to me, I just hope it remains cordial enough for everyone to miss what is going on.

Still it will be a very trying day, and I don't expect to stay too long.

And I will probably be holding my breath the entire time I am there.

I am a Leaf on the Wind

Seems an apropos statement.

Things seem to now be in a complete state of flux.

Not that this would be a bad thing.

Just everything that was in my head about what to get done and when has been thrown up into the air.

And I am not sure which one will come down first.

Maybe I needed this. I have a lot of things that need to be taken care of.

Perhaps pushing transition back to next year might make more sense. I can take care of other big issues first and get myself to a point were it is simply dealing with work and transition.

Plus the extra time will allow me to further investigate things that I need to along with save more money to have them done.

It isn't ideal as I know it will be harder to hold myself together that long.

I'll have to find a place to live, sort out the mess at home, determine how that will impact me then figure out when I can go forward again.

With any luck that will be early next year. Hopefully in March, but I at least want to have the next big steps scheduled by years end so that I can start dealing with other things.

Like coming out at work.

So that I can take time off next year for the aforementioned events along with returning as me.

That...should be interesting.

And I can always book things now and just shuffle them later if I need to.

*sigh*

I just want to get through all this mess so that I can soar. :D

The Day the Earth Stood Still

As you may know I was supposed to tell my parents about me yesterday.

So I imagine everyone is wondering if it indeed happened.

Or if something caused it not to happen.

Well.

It did happen.

I am still in a bit of shock today, which is a reason I didn't post last night. I was still trying to grasp what has happened. Along with what still could happen.

I don't think it has sunk in yet just how my life has changed.

Though it has.

When you think about it life goes on as normal today. Yet it is different.

However before I tease you anymore let me tell you what happened.

I ran my errands in the morning, went home, showered and left for their place around noon.

We went to lunch, talked about mundane things mostly. Though my mother was aware something was up and had been for a while.

She pressed me at lunch to talk about it, but I asked her to wait until we got back to their house to tell them there. I did make it known I would tell them.

Once there I gave them the letters after I told them my need for privacy and expected nothing in return once they read it. I simply wanted them to know, they didn't have to make a decision on it.

Then I let them read it.

I tried to stay in the room but I couldn't. I left and let their dog out. I walked back into the adjacent room and tried not to cry. Though I was shaking like a leaf.

I do believe that was one of the longest fifteen minutes of my life.

[Editors note: Now my parents were an interesting case. My Mom is opinionated and sometimes difficult to deal with. Still she is a good person but she doesn't always think before she speaks. Still she was also supportive even if difficult at times. We had our famous battles. It was her who influenced my love of reading and art.

My Dad is stubborn and stoic, yet funny and has always been very supportive and educational. I share my Dad's sense of humor and his inquisitive nature.

I get my 'can do, do it yourself' attitude from both of them.

Might have a lot to do with being raise in a very middle class Midwestern family.]

With that in mind I walked back into the room. Dad left for a moment to let the dog in, came back and then came the answer.

Mom expressed her love for me 100%, she knows I will change but I will always be her child and would except me for whom ever I was as long as I was happy. We both cried and hugs I was stunned.

She also told me that She had the notion that I was different since I was a child. Yet didn't know how to get it out of me what it was. She figured it was up to me to figure it out and decide what I wanted to do about it.

She seemed to be more aware of what was coming than I would have guessed. She knew surgeries and whatnot were going to take place. Not so much the details, but was simply aware.

I think She stunned me the most by telling me she was upset it took me this long to figure myself out and that she wished I would have done it much sooner.

As for my Father, well...he didn't take it as well. Granted his reaction wasn't entirely unexpected. He had nothing to say, was visibly upset and left the house shortly after reading the letter.

In his defense he had a meeting that afternoon and I just think he wanted to get away from it. He doesn't cope with bad news very well. My Mother is aware of this and will slowly work to try and bring him around. Though she made no promises.

She just realized he needed to go and would deal with it.

Her and I talked for about an hour and a half after that. About a number of things but I tried not to get too heavy with details. I just tried to keep it to general stuff and talked about things I have experienced and worked at. Along with give her an idea about how difficult things have been for me over the years.

She told me she was proud I had a good therapist and worked so intently at trying to work the problem out.

She emphatically stated she didn't want me to go anywhere before I left but understood my need to break free from those that might impede my progress, including family.

In the end I am surprised at what did happen and how different I feel today. Even though I don't think I am fully aware of what has changed. A huge burden has been lifted and I think today I feel better about my future.

All I can do is wait to see what is going to happen with my Dad. I never wanted to lose either of my parents to this, but I knew it could happen.

Still far to early to say for sure what the actual result will be. I can simply prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

It was a day of days.

Right now things feel as if they suddenly lurched forward rather quickly.

Yet...

...strangely, some reason, I still feel like I am waiting for the world to start moving forward again.

Because I Can't Say It Better

These just seem to fit this morning

I won't Back Down

Well, I won't back down, no, I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
No, I stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down


I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I will stand my ground
And I won't back down


Well, I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down


I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I will stand my ground
I won't back down - and I won't back down

I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I won't back down
I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I will stand my ground
I won't back down - and I won't back down
I won't back down - no, I won't back down


Freed

Iv'e got my heart crammed in a bottle
And all the while I fought so little
What is this fear we hold so deeply
To stand alone alone completely
It's do or die it's now or never
It's cats and dogs it's helter skelter


Till i'm free
Yeah free
Something inside me is begging to be free
We hardly live for fear of dying
Then fall asleep and call it living
I hardly love for fear of losing
I'll hardly loose yet i'm not loving


Till i'm free
Yeah free
Something inside me is begging to be free
Something inside me is begging to be free


Free yeah free

Something inside me is begging to be free
Something inside me is begging to be free

Oddly Calm

The last time I was due to disclosure my function to my parents I dealt with a roller coaster of emotions during the week leading up to it.

It was just a boiling pot of everything.

I was so anxious by the end of the week I couldn't sleep.

I was scared, determined, yet some how ready for what was to come.

Yet I was defeated before I got the chance.

Strangely enough I am very calm this week. At least regarding my parents.

It could have something to do with all the other emotions I have had this entire week.

Convenient distraction?

Redirected focus?

I am not sure.

Still I would prefer to be a little more relaxed about this rather then what I went through last time.

It also could all be wishful thinking since it could all catch up to me on Saturday.

I won't however back out or change my mind. This has to be done and they have to know.

How that will affect me and my relationship to them I don't know.

We shall see.

Non Explanation

Without going into any details since I feel it is not fair to either party I will just say that thing at home have gone downhill.

Badly.

My concern right now is the mess that is brewing which could interfere with my ability to continue forward with transition.

At least if could cause a lot of delays.

This is what have been contributing to my general mood at the moment.

Which explains the post earlier this week.

Without really explaining the what happened.

It hurts.

It sucks.

I don't like it one bit but I cannot continue doing what I have been doing.

I am simply worn out. 

Oh and all this right before this Sunday.

Which is when I am supposed to tell my parents.

Is this week over yet?

No One Knows

This popped up in my music stream today. I have always liked The Who but had forgotten about this song. I know the lyrics are talking about something else, yet the general theme and mood is touching a nerve today.

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

Broken, Beaten and Scarred

The title says it all.

The last twenty-four hours have not been kind.

I feel hurt, trampled, and numb all at the same time.

Never had I ever felt so empty as I did last night.

Things have changed.

I have no idea the extent of their impact yet.

I have a hunch that it will be much greater then I can fathom.

It has sucked the life right out of me.

I will get through this, I have to, but this one is not going to be easy.

I do owe a huge thanks to someone who generously gave me some of her time last night with out prompting. Staying up I would assume well past bed time.

Not much was said but it definitely made me feel better.

Still I will find out how true the statement "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." really is.

Because I am going to need all the strength I can get.

Cup Full O' Crazy

Before anyone panics, I am doing ok, but I do feel like I am being slowly overwhelmed by all the forces that are assaulting me this week and weekend.

There are issues at work. Mostly with the massive project I have at the end of this year. People in charge are waffling about something we have spent 15 months on and should no longer be an issue.

Never mind this project is preventing me from taking any time off in the last three calender months which in turn is impacting my transition time line.

I can live with this as I need to do my job and do it well. Staying employed is of the utmost concern to me. I cannot transition without it.

Yet the ineptitude being displayed is driving me crazy since if management had their act together we could possible start the project early with the chance of completing it early.

I don't have an issue sacrificing a bit of extra time and energy to get it taken care of so I can then be free to deal with other things. But if things are going to be delays because people can't make a decision when we have presented them with fifteen months of research.

Oh well.

The biggest concern I have is if things truly go bad I might consider looking for another job elsewhere. I was hoping to rather not do that until after I was done transitioning, if I even felt I needed to.

Uncertainty is the issue here as my manager is just as frustrated as I am. He and I have even talked one on one and if he goes I am not sticking around.

The rest of it is all the drama and mess at home and with family.

My oldest Nephew graduates this last weekend.

Before the event there was talk that his Father might not come into town for the ceremony. He and his wife have been divorced for almost ten years. He also lives quite a distance away.

Which is causing my parents to be upset. In fact I had to deal with my crying mother this week about the whole issue.

While I agree it isn't right(I mean he is my Nephew and I am going to be there). I told Mom it wasn't about my brother. Focus on your grandchild and be there for him. Let him know that we still care about him and that he means something to us.

We can't do anymore then that.

Still it all worked out in the end as my Brother made the drive down in time to see his eldest graduate. I am still in awe of watching that boy walk by in his cap and gown when all I could see was the one year old with a train whistle giggling with glee as he made it 'toot' as he stomped through the kitchen.

Sadly for me the entire day was awkward. As my Bother made a few comments about my hair and weight loss.

Along with the fact I had to put my best 'him' on and am I ever good at it.

Too good really.

I relied on my humor and really don't initiate the conversation. I let it come to me so I can just talk about specific things. It avoids the issue of saying something I shouldn't.

I just feel like I am lying to everyone and I am a wreck afterward. Really, as soon as I got into the car to leave the restaurant afterward I felt like I as just going to pop. I get so nauseous over what I am doing to not only myself, but everyone else, that I just felt like I was going to vomit.

This is another reason I have been rather anti-social lately.

It isn't like I don't like people.

Quite the opposite actually.

I just feel completely uncomfortable being social as 'him' since to me it is just me lying to everyone around me.

Can I just have my life as me?

What I am also worried about is will this cause issues with my parents since this Sunday I am on course to tell them about me.

Don't worry as of right now I still fully intend to.

I am just unsure if this will make their reaction worse.

I am also scared. However that is a for another post.

Now since all this is going on why not add more? Really as if that isn't enough the issues at home are pushing me to the brink.

I find myself having the same arguments over and over. This last one was a repeat of the one we had six weeks before, and two months before that, and two and a half before that, and...well you get the idea.

The result is always the same, we discuss everything, no one like what is being discussed, both parties get hurt, cry, and I end up curled in a corner somewhere, miserable and useless for the rest of the evening.

As much as I care, I can not stay much longer. I need to resolve it and move on. I cannot move forward if conditions and stipulations are always being applied to transitioning.

Because all that causes is greater depression, testing my patience, sanity, and really just making me sadder.

[Side Note: I did hear the most interesting phrase She could have ever have said to me; "You are more of a girl then I think you realize." Yeah, I am still trying to work through that one because of who said it.]

I think I am slowly coming to the revelation that how I am currently living is slowly destroying me. I truly think I need to declare my independence and move on from there. Messy or not. At least I can make the decisions I need to for me.

There is one good thing to say. I have met a new friend. Her and I don't live close but she is very much at the stage I am, in fact we are nearly on the same transition path. Though there are some differences. We also have incredible amount in common, it is almost eerily sometimes.

She is smart, sweet, honest, and sensitive. Along with really sounding like she has her life together. Even though she has the same concerns and fears that I do. We both seem to be going forward.

I don't know how it will turn out, but I am hoping it grows into a lasting friendship as I have really enjoyed talking to her immensely.

Not to put any pressure on her, but I think it was also good timing since I have a feeling she might help keep me grounded a bit.

As what few trans friends I have were either on the not transitioning side of things, while the others are long since transitioned, trying to live their lives. That made me feel as if I was dragging them back into something they might not always want to talk about. Anyone else I have met...well...they just seemed out of control.

This new one just makes me feel not so alone anymore. That there is someone out there just like me, moving through the process just like I am. Struggling to keep everything in perspective and not feel like we are crazy for what we are feeling. Along with what we are going to do.

It also doesn't hurt that she is wonderful to talk to about anything and everything.

I also hope she doesn't think I am 'crazy' for mentioned it here. Since she did find me through my blog. ;)

All things considered I guess it is time to stand up and take full control of my life. If I don't do it and soon, I have a feeling this cup of crazy is going to run over.

And that would be a bad thing.

Missing You, Missing Me

If you have been following along you will know that I have over the course of a few years lost a significant amount of weight.

I was thinking some of you might be curious as to how I did it.

Well it wasn't easy it takes a lot of dedication and resolve.

First let me paint this picture for you.

At my peak I was 190lbs (86kg for you metric types) so being only 5'8" inches tall (172cm) that put a lot of extra weight on my frame. I was never very muscular or such to really look good carrying that much extra on my frame.

This was about 2006ish, middle of the year.

Not only was I feeling fat and thinking I was going to have to increase my pants waist size yet again. I just wasn't feeling good.

I was running out of energy and just feeling blah.

It also didn't help that I spent 12 years as a consultant on the road traveling from client to client. There were weeks I could empty five different fast food bags out of my car at the end of the week.

It was at this time I realized I need to change something.

One thing I did was reduce what I was eating. No I didn't starve myself it was really stop eating everything in front of me and stop eating to the point of being overstuffed.

Everyone in my family suffers from this habit, if there is good food in front of us. We keep eating, even if we should stop. As long as there is still something to eat.

I really had to teach myself it was ok to leave something on the plate.

Next I cut out soda and as much excess sugar as I could.

Side note: I am not a coffee drinker. I cannot stand it. So my one vice is a small bottle of regular soda in the morning for that little pick me up. Though I found my local store selling these cute 12oz bottles that work perfect, just enough to get me going without drinking a 20 or 24oz of sugar I don't need.

I keep my desserts small and only a few times a week. As I mention instead of eating a full pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, I break it out of 8 - 10 sittings.

Really the big changes I made was to cut down my calorie intake to a respectable level yet not starve myself.

I eat more fruit and vegetables along with more salads. I have totally cut out fast food. I don't touch it and haven't in several years.

Doesn't mean I won't eat something like a hamburger but I am going to go to a quality place and have a really good one if I am going to splurge like that.

For example, if I go to a steak place I don't get the 22oz porterhouse. I stick with the 8oz fillet and order vegetables on the side.

I also try to snack a lot smarter then I used too.

On top of all that I try to exercise more. Even if it is just getting out and taking a long walk sometimes with the dog. As the weather get warmer I'll try to get some cycling in also.

The key was when I started doing this I had to just let it work. The body is an amazing and mysterious machine. Crashing it doesn't work as well as adjusting and letting it adapt. For the first four or five months I saw little to no return on the what I was doing. Then suddenly the weight just started peeling off over the next few months.

I simply never changed what I was doing. My body adjusted and started processing things differently. Slow and steady works extremely well in this case.

As I mentioned in a comment from another post. I still keep up what I am doing. Which allows me to indulge myself now and again and not see any changes in weight gain or anything like that. Because I don't keep indulging over and over.

It really came down to a dedicated lifestyle change and just letting nature take it's course.

Even if I wasn't Trans and preparing for a transition, I am glad I did this. I feel better, have more energy and my health has been stellar.

Still there is much less of me then there used to be. /wink

Interesting Comment

This Memorial day I stopped by an old friend's on Monday for a few hours.

He is a good friend and colleague from days past. He and I have been through some harrowing times together working sometimes over forty hours straight trying to bring a companies data systems back online after a major catastrophe.

We do talk all the time, but have not stood in each others presence in over a year.

That and since he is contracting me for some side work in a week or so I thought it would be time to catchup.

(Besides in my line of work extra cash is hard to come by. I have been a salary employee for 15 years now. When you consider the sometimes 80 or 100 hour weeks I have worked that really bites. Not to mention with everything coming up I could use the money.)

It was nice to see him. We talked about everything going on since we last saw each other (ok maybe I didn't mention everything, but he is high on the list to disclose to.)

Just life stuff in general. A little shop talk about what I would be working on for him.

All in all it was good to see him and talk.

As I mentioned I haven't seen him in person in over a year. So the first words out of his mouth as I walked up to the door?

"Wow you look like a little boy."

That is the first time I have ever heard that.

However it brings to mind that even though I have changed a bit people who still have a visual imprint of 'him' in their mind. So really even though I look different they are expecting him. All they are doing is updating that visual imprint to allow for the changes.

This is one reason I am being mildly aggressive with some facial surgery. It is partially for me, since I don't want to look into the mirror and see those reminders of 'him' which will give me a lot more confidence. The other issue is what I mentioned above. I want to alter other peoples visual perception of me. Especially those that know 'him' rather well. So that they cannot overlay the memory of 'him' as easily as they did before.

Still it was a very interesting comment to hear.