Saturday, April 17, 2010

Funny How Things Happen

My mother called me this evening.

They have to cancel meeting me tomorrow. It seems they had spent the better part of the afternoon at the vet with their oldest dog.

From what she told me it doesn't look good.

And I could hear the anguish in her voice though she was trying to hide it.

Knowing this I just I don't have the heart to tell them this while I know their concerns are elsewhere and their hearts are heavy. So I accepted the cancellation.

I have not done so with out ramifications.

I am starting to crack under the strain and pressure.

I don't know if I can do all this much longer.

I am starting to get the feeling that one way or another I am going to have to remove myself from this situation.

His life is not mine nor do I want to continue living it.

Unfortunately I only see two ways out of it.  No one is going to like the second one and the first is going to be an ugly mess to wade through, hurts like hell, and causes nothing but pain, anguish and tears.

[Update]She called me again this morning. Sadly what I feared was going to happen is going to happen. I feel bad for them. However in light of this information I cannot force the issue. I know I need to do this, but now simply isn't appropriate for them. It sucks since I had myself so prepared to do this even with the roller coaster of emotions I have had this week. At least I didn't back out because I was scared.


Jerica Truax said...

*hugs* girl. I hope you are able to get through this soon. I know how it feels no longer wanting to be "him" and every waking moment spent that way hurts.

<3 Jerica