Monday, April 19, 2010


As you know I was forced to cancel my plans to tell my parents about me this last weekend.

Yeah, they had a good reason to refuse seeing me. I cannot fault them for that.

But it doesn't make it any easier for me. I spent Friday and Saturday preparing myself.

There were moments where the enormity of what I was about to do would feel like it was overwhelming me to the point of almost having panic attacks.

I would calm myself down and rebuild my resolve. I don't think I have had my emotions so up and down over two days like I did with this.

By Saturday night I was ready, relaxed I knew I could do this. I didn't know what would happen or how it would go but I was confident I could tell them.

When I got the phone call around eight in the evening.

After I got off that call I simply deflated. I was so prepared perhaps even worked up with what was coming I simply collapsed emotionally.

I spend the evening on the couch with my stuff moose, a blanket and box of Kleenex. No TV or music. I don't think I have ever done so much crying.

Part of it was the flood of emotion out of me that I wouldn't have to do this just yet.

The other part was a bit of anger regarding the situation.

I am not mad at my parents. I cannot be, they are saying goodbye to a beloved pet that they have had for eleven years. (They got her after I moved out so I didn't know her as well as the other dogs that I had grown up with.)

I was and still am mad at the unfortunately timing of it. Yet I know there is nothing I can do.

However I was in a fog all day Sunday and only made it worse by going shopping.

I can see you know asking, OMG! Kel how can shopping make is worse?.

Well, you see I am not full time yet and I had get a few things for 'him'.

Oh joy!

Now I have been avoiding buying clothes for him for almost a year and a half. However some of my pants are left over from my heavier days and they were starting to wear out.

Yes, I know hard to believe but 34 inch jeans don't fit a 29 inch waist.

It was getting pretty bad. Thing is I hate mens jeans. They don't fit me right(never have) and I still have to buy two sizes up to get them to fit as best they can. Most men with a 29 inch waist don't have 39 inch hips. Consider I usually buy loose fit comfort jeans too.


The other down side is men's don't have any stretch in them. I almost always buy my girls jeans with 2% spandex in them. Love the fit that gives me.

Not having that give makes them stiff and uncomfortable until I get them worn in with some wearing and washing.

All in all I was reminded of my current situation, the frustration of waiting, on top of the emotional roller coaster of preparing myself to talk with my parents, and the messy situation at home that I feel I need to start the process to remove myself from.

All this is starting to press down on me so hard that I feel I am closer to cracking under it then I realize.

It is going to be an interesting year.


Stace said...

Having told my parents a few days earlier than planned due to a panic attack I think I know what you are feeling there. Hang in.

And for the clothes - why not just get some boyfriend jeans? They may at least fit your shape better than mens jeans? I used to wear Levi 501w through my whole teenage years and no one knew at that time that I was trans...


Kelli Bennett said...

Might have to do with the fact that I tried so hard to not be myself that I removed all indication of anything. In other words if I didn't wear any women's clothing I wouldn't be reminded I wasn't a woman. Along with I might have been so concerned about anyone ever noticing I was wearing girl's jeans. *gasp* and being discovered.

Force of habit I guess, but it shouldn't matter soon and I only got two pairs just enough I hope to get me from now until then.