Monday, June 7, 2010

Cup Full O' Crazy

Before anyone panics, I am doing ok, but I do feel like I am being slowly overwhelmed by all the forces that are assaulting me this week and weekend.

There are issues at work. Mostly with the massive project I have at the end of this year. People in charge are waffling about something we have spent 15 months on and should no longer be an issue.

Never mind this project is preventing me from taking any time off in the last three calender months which in turn is impacting my transition time line.

I can live with this as I need to do my job and do it well. Staying employed is of the utmost concern to me. I cannot transition without it.

Yet the ineptitude being displayed is driving me crazy since if management had their act together we could possible start the project early with the chance of completing it early.

I don't have an issue sacrificing a bit of extra time and energy to get it taken care of so I can then be free to deal with other things. But if things are going to be delays because people can't make a decision when we have presented them with fifteen months of research.

Oh well.

The biggest concern I have is if things truly go bad I might consider looking for another job elsewhere. I was hoping to rather not do that until after I was done transitioning, if I even felt I needed to.

Uncertainty is the issue here as my manager is just as frustrated as I am. He and I have even talked one on one and if he goes I am not sticking around.

The rest of it is all the drama and mess at home and with family.

My oldest Nephew graduates this last weekend.

Before the event there was talk that his Father might not come into town for the ceremony. He and his wife have been divorced for almost ten years. He also lives quite a distance away.

Which is causing my parents to be upset. In fact I had to deal with my crying mother this week about the whole issue.

While I agree it isn't right(I mean he is my Nephew and I am going to be there). I told Mom it wasn't about my brother. Focus on your grandchild and be there for him. Let him know that we still care about him and that he means something to us.

We can't do anymore then that.

Still it all worked out in the end as my Brother made the drive down in time to see his eldest graduate. I am still in awe of watching that boy walk by in his cap and gown when all I could see was the one year old with a train whistle giggling with glee as he made it 'toot' as he stomped through the kitchen.

Sadly for me the entire day was awkward. As my Bother made a few comments about my hair and weight loss.

Along with the fact I had to put my best 'him' on and am I ever good at it.

Too good really.

I relied on my humor and really don't initiate the conversation. I let it come to me so I can just talk about specific things. It avoids the issue of saying something I shouldn't.

I just feel like I am lying to everyone and I am a wreck afterward. Really, as soon as I got into the car to leave the restaurant afterward I felt like I as just going to pop. I get so nauseous over what I am doing to not only myself, but everyone else, that I just felt like I was going to vomit.

This is another reason I have been rather anti-social lately.

It isn't like I don't like people.

Quite the opposite actually.

I just feel completely uncomfortable being social as 'him' since to me it is just me lying to everyone around me.

Can I just have my life as me?

What I am also worried about is will this cause issues with my parents since this Sunday I am on course to tell them about me.

Don't worry as of right now I still fully intend to.

I am just unsure if this will make their reaction worse.

I am also scared. However that is a for another post.

Now since all this is going on why not add more? Really as if that isn't enough the issues at home are pushing me to the brink.

I find myself having the same arguments over and over. This last one was a repeat of the one we had six weeks before, and two months before that, and two and a half before that, and...well you get the idea.

The result is always the same, we discuss everything, no one like what is being discussed, both parties get hurt, cry, and I end up curled in a corner somewhere, miserable and useless for the rest of the evening.

As much as I care, I can not stay much longer. I need to resolve it and move on. I cannot move forward if conditions and stipulations are always being applied to transitioning.

Because all that causes is greater depression, testing my patience, sanity, and really just making me sadder.

[Side Note: I did hear the most interesting phrase She could have ever have said to me; "You are more of a girl then I think you realize." Yeah, I am still trying to work through that one because of who said it.]

I think I am slowly coming to the revelation that how I am currently living is slowly destroying me. I truly think I need to declare my independence and move on from there. Messy or not. At least I can make the decisions I need to for me.

There is one good thing to say. I have met a new friend. Her and I don't live close but she is very much at the stage I am, in fact we are nearly on the same transition path. Though there are some differences. We also have incredible amount in common, it is almost eerily sometimes.

She is smart, sweet, honest, and sensitive. Along with really sounding like she has her life together. Even though she has the same concerns and fears that I do. We both seem to be going forward.

I don't know how it will turn out, but I am hoping it grows into a lasting friendship as I have really enjoyed talking to her immensely.

Not to put any pressure on her, but I think it was also good timing since I have a feeling she might help keep me grounded a bit.

As what few trans friends I have were either on the not transitioning side of things, while the others are long since transitioned, trying to live their lives. That made me feel as if I was dragging them back into something they might not always want to talk about. Anyone else I have met...well...they just seemed out of control.

This new one just makes me feel not so alone anymore. That there is someone out there just like me, moving through the process just like I am. Struggling to keep everything in perspective and not feel like we are crazy for what we are feeling. Along with what we are going to do.

It also doesn't hurt that she is wonderful to talk to about anything and everything.

I also hope she doesn't think I am 'crazy' for mentioned it here. Since she did find me through my blog. ;)

All things considered I guess it is time to stand up and take full control of my life. If I don't do it and soon, I have a feeling this cup of crazy is going to run over.

And that would be a bad thing.


Jessica Lyn said...

I think you really need to get your own place... I was in that situation too and we had the fighting and crying and she always called me selfish.. but in the end, once I was away from her, we are closer than ever. She knows me and treats me as the person I really am and really leaving her was the best thing I ever did for myself and for her because it allowed her to move on too... but it was also the hardest thing I ever had to do.

On another note, I'm glad you have a new friend.. and for what its worth, and I know I've said this before, but I feel close to you as well since I think we also have a lot in common and while I am one of those ones who has not yet started transitioning, I feel much better and not as alone as I once did since having read your blog. And we are pretty close in age as well.

Thanks for being here and for being you!


Jerica Truax said...

I can relate to the "conflict at home"....I had that for many months before we separated. Now officially divorced as of yesterday.

And living as 'him'....ugh...I remember taking a 10 day vacation and trying to come back as 'him'. That really hurt.

I hope you can get to a point where you don't have to do that anymore, girl.

<3 Jerica