I Took The Red Pill

If you have been follow the story of our intrepid heroine up to this point you will know a few things.

One, I had some important things that were on the horizon. I mentioned them here.

Two, One of them specifically was talked about here.

Guess what?

It didn't happen.

HR canceled on me. I got pulled away by some extended time off.

Dealt with an event that left me mentally and physically drained.

Really trying to do this earlier this year and I would have broken down completely. I was a bit of a mess.

This brings us to now.

As in now, now. Not just then.

Recently I have been feeling a gather of energy, if you will. A desire to finally get this over with, good or bad. It just has become time.

After a few weeks of planning and preparation. I did something yesterday that completely tilted my world on edge.

I sent my letter to HR.

YES!

Really!

I kid you not!

Thankfully I had a long distance friend to help me through the last minute stuff, moral support and was online with me when I did it.

Seriously I think I stared at that email with my letter attached for a full five minutes.

The stupid 'send' button was so taunting me.

Finally with a lot of encouragement and closing of my eyes, away it went.

It almost didn't feel like it happened.

Yet it did.

What happened?

Well for a few hours nothing. At all.

No joke.

Finally after what seemed like and eternity. I got an email back.

The news?

Nothing bad at this point I just have a meeting scheduled with him later this week, in person. This came today after I already talked to him yesterday.

It is official I have taken the red pill and I am going to see just how far this rabbit hole goes.

Stay tuned to find out just how this tale will end.

In the mean time is it a brand new world.

Because You Might Like To Know

Cause I know some of my readers like them. September 20th folks I already have my copy on pre-order.

Ivy - All Hours

Party Crashing

A few weekends ago I had the pleasure of spending some quality time with B.

Before I continue, since I have had a few people ask, the answer is no.

...

Oh! You want to know what the question is that people were asking.

Well what is the fun in that? Really, I think it would be more fun to leave you hanging.

...

Ok, ok, I'll spill. Sheesh you are a tough crowd.

No, B and I are not an item, nor will we ever date. He is simply an amazing friend who I love to spend time with. I love the boy to pieces but he is more like my older little brother. If that makes any sense. I hope it does because I am not sure I can explain it.

You have read the stories, you know how wonderful and amazing he has been. He is just one of my closest and best friends.

I just wanted to make that clear because this post is about the day he put that to the test.

That got your attention didn't it?

Don't worry we are fine I still think the world of him but I did not appreciate what he did.

It happened the weekend I mentioned a bit here.{link}

I bet you are dying to know what possibly he could have done.

This is what took place. That Saturday night we agreed to go out. This time however he mentioned heading over to a smaller local town that was having an arts and craft fair. This totally sounded like fun and he even mentioned we were going to met up with a few people I knew.

Sounded good so far.

Now this is a somewhat upper middle class town that fancies it self somewhat elite. Well it is a nice little town but I live near what would be call the affluent area and they have a long way to go. Yet it is still a nice place to visit.

The art and craft show was arrange in there 'downtown' area considering this is more of a suburban area this made it rather small. It was still rather nice and was a welcome change of pace for part of the evening.

The interesting part came at the start. After getting there and trying to locate a parking spot, B lead me to a corner restaurant/bar. There we ran into his ex(whom I will label Ex from here on out.)

As I know I have mentioned the Ex was always confused about his sexuality. Kept his straight friends separate from his gay ones. I also find him to be a rather unpleasant person and not the sharpest tool in the shed. My other qualm is that I feel he lead B on for over a year into thinking this was going to be a lasting relationship. Then suddenly breaking up.

The reason?

So Ex could return to dating women.

Yep, I kid you not.

It was ugly, he wasn't nice and frankly as I am sure you all know I didn't really care for him. Well that opinion hasn't changed one bit. In fact he just re-enforced it with this ordeal.

Now I wouldn't say we ran into Ex casually. B knew he was there, I didn't mind too much until I found out why Ex was there. He was on a double date with one of his straight friends with too women.

Can you say awkward?

I took me all of five seconds to figure out what was going on. Ex didn't want to talk with us. He didn't want to introduce us and he was obviously unhappy B was there. I don't know if I was an issue but I didn't really care. The whole situation was uncomfortable and it was plain obvious to me we were intruding.

I was under the impression we were meeting a group of people that included Ex but not this.

I somehow manage to get B to walk the fair with me but he rushed through it(considering it was only three blocks it wasn't very big). We came back and the whole situation was still cold and uncomfortable. After about five minutes of this I informed B I was ready to go. Thankfully he listened.

When we got back to my car I gave him an earful.

"B, you have been a amazing and dear friend, but if you ever put me in a situation like that again I am going to be really pissed at you. That was borderline stalkerish and you need to either come to terms with it or move on. Trans issues aside it was so not cool to drag me into it. Don't ever do that to me again."

He did apologize and we ended up still enjoying the rest of our evening. I did however greatly test our friendship. He can be hung up on it if he wants. I can't fix it for him, all I can do is be a good friend. He just need to not involve me when he does it.

When we spent time with C the next day she totally had my back about the whole thing.

"B, Kelli has enough drama in her life she doesn't need to be a part of that. Especially not knowing what was going on. That is awkward for anyone you brought along. I would have been just as pissed at you had you involved me like that. She has been a tremendous friend to you and she doesn't deserved that."

"Second, you need to deal with your issue with Ex. I don't know why you are hung up on him so much but it needs to be addressed or something bad is going to happen. These things happen in relationship we all need to address them, but I don't want to hear you let something happen to her because you were being foolish. You need to grow up about this."

I love C, she rocks! He did apologize again and we discussed the problem for a bit before moving on.

Is the problem solved? I don't know but I haven't seen Ex since and that is a good thing.

Now was I read in that situation? I have nothing to indicate that I was. In fact one of the women I met seemed to be rather upset that Ex's friend started to give me some attention. Not that I asked for it. At least no one said anything and there wasn't a scene. Regardless I didn't need to be in that situation in the first place. Trans or not.

B and I are fine but it was a moment where he tested me and I just didn't appreciate it. Everyone is entitled to their relationship, ex drama. Just don't take someone along as an unknowing participant.

That isn't fair to that person.

Dinner With The Professor

I think I mentioned recently that I had dinner with the Professor. Actually this post will cover not only that but the followup conversation we had two days later via internet chat.

We decided on meeting at my house for a little Italian. I had sauce at the ready and brought home some mixed filled baci to serve it with.

Being a teacher he was trying not to go out at as much during the summer and actually I have been trying not do that myself either.

With that he came over, I had dinner just about ready by the time he walked in.

For the most part dinner was polite conversation. General chatting about things. We discussed the book he is writing(he is an English teacher) that I sadly have not had time to catch up on. I have an early manuscript but I don't have time to read like I used to and I am trying to finish one book before I move on. I felt bad but I am anxious to read it as he made changes based on my input. I had read a previous version and suggested a non-linear storyline. Alternating between the characters past and present. Kind of exciting if you think about it.

No idea if I will get mentioned in the forward but hey.

We finished dinner and continued talking, which prompted me to start cleaning up and doing dishes.

At some point during cleaning he stopped me and asked this:

"Why are you so nervous?"

"Excuse me?"

"You have been tense all night. In the past I have watched you open up and...well...change. I was quite surprised about how feminine your behavior really is when you dropped the act. Quite frankly I am a little upset that you seem so uncomfortable right now. I mean I do know and I have still been talking to you."

I was stunned. In my defense I don't think I even realized I was that tense. I had been at work all day. I run with that personality and honestly I was just probably in my usual defensive practiced persona. I am good at it, it is almost second nature. Granted it is slowly slipping away but it is still there.

I then decided to explain to him that he could also be scrutinizing me more than he might have in the past. Simply put since I told him, he is looking at me thinking how could you possible be a girl.

This prompted me to explain to him that I have the opposite issue with my friend B. He has only ever met me as a girl and when I tried to show him the boy he examined me the same way. Thinking along the lines of 'this is the boy? well it ain't working, cause all I see is the girl trying to be something she isn't and frankly looks silly doing so.'

This caught the Professor off guard.

"Wait, you have been out dressed as a girl?"

"Yes."

"How long have you been doing that."

"With any type of effort and regularity? The last couple of years. I had to find out if I could even do it."

He had no idea, and really, I hadn't told him that. When I am dealing with people who know 'him' I try to tread lightly. I don't want to assault their senses with too much information. I just put the issue out there and let them come to me. If they are so inclined.

Not all have.

We dove into that topic a little more and I elaborated on the fact that I dress how ever I feel like. Within reason, but that my sense of style is that of the average girl and I probably look casual most of the time. Though I do quite often look put together even when dressing for everyday. I also told him that if I ever did get read I didn't know it or it that it was a rare occurrence these days as I just don't even see any weird looks or stares.

We talked for about another hour and a half, he asked some great questions. I covered them as best I could explaining some things to him.

Near the end of the night he stopped me.

"Since I called you out earlier for being tense and guarded, you totally relaxed and opened up. Your whole demeanor changed and I am sorry you felt that you still had to be on guard. I know I still have a lot to learn and understand. Do know this, however, you can be you around me I hope you do know that?"

I thanked him, but also explained that there were a number of people I knew that he could be with you yet did not know. Which meant that there might be times when I cannot be that open, even if he was around. Yet that I did hope it wouldn't be an issue for too much longer.

He seemed to really understand my dilemma. Which was further explained to him a few days later via IM.

Overall I give him a lot of credit. He is trying to understand and get to know all of me. I think he was just irritated with me because I had returned to old form even though he knew. I think we are still in that feeling things out stage and trying to get used to each other now that this rather interesting dynamic has been introduced.

Hugs all around as he left and the promise that we will indeed again car pool come this fall. Plus we will be getting together again soon as our schedules allow. He was actually reluctant to go now that we had gotten somewhere but he did have a family to get home too.

This will be an interesting one to deal with as things are reviled to him but I can say he has been nothing short of tremendous in his support of me in all this.

Those kind of friends are indeed precious and hard to find.

I do hope it can last through all this.

Music To My Ears

Because I am always listening to new music and I love to share.

So deal ok!

Besides even thought this might have started out as a transition blog, and it still is, allowing yourself to talk about things that are or have always been a part of you, yet you were afraid too.

Not many of my friends growing up were big into talking about music or they totally listened to different things then I did.

Thus I love the fact I can bore you all to tears with it here.

It's my blog remember? Good, don't cha forget that. Kay. ;)

Lol! Maybe I should get to the point of this blog. There was a point, I think.

The Glitch Mob - Drink The Sea

I actually forget where I first heard The Glitch Mob. I think it was the soundtrack for a youtube video. It was the background song track for something. All I know was after watching it for a moment I was thinking to myself "Self, what is this music we are hearing?" Self was confused as much as I was, thus began the quest to track it down. When I found out it was the Mob I discovered they actually had an album. This record is brilliant. Crazy, unique, diverse yet still a fully electronic record. I don't think they will be for everyone but I love to sit and read to this one. I have a feeling when I finally get a chance to work on some art again it will be heavily in the rotation of that play list.

Dum Dum Girls - I Will Be

Dum Dum Girls - He Gets Me High

I am listing the EP and the full album. Strangely enough I heard the EP first even thought it was released after the album. Really I just select both and let my player go. Again a girl group who will sing about everything and obviously enjoy doing it. I also love the gritty style. There is another album do out later this year. Oh yeah you know I am getting it.

Pendulum - Immersion

What a fantastic trip this one is. It seems like it covers or samples a few genres while never really straying from it's electronic roots. A few of the later tracks have been remixed by some house DJs to varying success. Yet I still love the originals. The coolest part is while electronic they definitely do their own thing. Simply an amazing listen.

Android Lust - The Dividing

Do we have to be happy all the time? I don't know and while I am not a big Goth music person I have recently discovered Android Lust. A casual Nine Inch Nails fan in the past. This album seems to take it one, no two steps further. Emotional, dark, intelligent, dirty, gritty, and dare I say touch evil, all at once. Android Lust is the work of one woman on her own and doing it her way without any apologies. I defiantly plan on digging into more of her work.

Tegan and Sara - So Jealous

I simply cannot say enough about this album. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!! Backwards, forwards, sideways, diagonal, upside down, tilted, under water, in the dark with a flashlight, outside, inside, downstairs, under the covers. I think you get the idea. I had heard a few of their songs on various stations now and again. Once I finally went looking for them I found this album. Simply perfect I have been listening to it since the beginning of the year. It has been in my car's CD player all summer(since April I think?). I haven't taken it out yet. I soooooo highly recommend it. Did I mention I love it? This album quite quickly has become one of my absolute favorites. So I suggest you don't walk but run, drive, high speed train whatever down to your local record store(do they still exist?), but get yourself an actual hard copy. It is simply that good.

I never know what people thing of these post but if it introduces you to some new music then it has done it's job and is too cool when you think about it.

Also don't worry I have several posts I need to get out. Life has been adventuresome to say the least and as I said I have been crazy busy to find the time to write.

TTFN!

Because I haven't Had Time To Stand Still Let Alone Write a Blog Post

I know and if this post stays short enough the title might be longer than the post itself.

Now with that concern taken care of.

Super busy right now as I have mentioned. Spent time with B this last weekend and was even pleasantly surprised by and appearance from C.

And I do mean surprised! As in she jumped out of his apartment when I was half way down the hall, to say boo!

She even told the two of us later that she wished the three of us could hang out more, but seeing as how she lives on the other side of the state, it makes things difficult.

Though the truly touching part was when we somehow got on the subject of family and the holidays. She was shocked to find out my situation with my parents would affect attending some family functions. Though I do have plans simmering to potentially visiting friends out of state she still told me this:

"Well if those don't happen by all means you are more then welcome to come with B to my house for Thanksgiving, since I always host it. You are even welcome to stay the weekend."

Can you be shocked, touched and floored simultaneously?

Because I believe I was.

C didn't have to say that but she did.  I simply love those two. :D

Had the Professor over for dinner this week. With some very interesting conversations during it. All is well and he is still as supportive as ever.

I have another disclosure scheduled for this weekend. An old friend I might have mentioned here. Just someone I need to get around too. No idea how this one will go.

With that I disappear again, hopefully time will be on my side soon and I can write about some of what has been happening. This is a blog, it is kind of the point to talk about daily life and events. Even if they are a bit mundane.

Right?

Letting Go

One of the hardest things I have face during transition is letting go of things I enjoy doing.

Not because I could not do them or feel they would be something I shouldn't do. Usually these are social events.

No, mostly it is because that something was established as him. Which considering all the changes has become awkward when I have to make an appearance.

So generally I decline.

Yet when something that comes around like this weekend it is affecting me more then I can imagine.

For the last eight years have been attending a summer BBQ and cookout that was sponsored by a technology website I was an early member of. When a large group of us realized we were in the same state we decided to get together and meet face to face.

The interesting part was that this was a group of geeks and computer techs so that first year it became quite obvious rather quickly no one knew how to cook.

Well at least no one else.

I realized that if I was going to even attend this I was going to have to do the cooking.

Which didn't bother me actually as entertaining and cooking for others is something that I love to do. It just came natural.

The really fun part for me over the years was the increased challenges to what I was cooking. Early on since I had no idea how this was going to turn out, I kept it to hamburgers and hot dogs.

Granted I hand make and pre-season my hamburger patties. Plus I know some local meat shops that produce amazing sausages, brats and hot dogs.

We had twenty people show up that year and everyone enjoyed the food.

The following year we doubled our numbers.

Third year I brought something new to the table. Literally.

Baby back BBQ ribs. This is a family recipe that, up to that point few had ever tasted. Though that first years I could only prepare a limited number they were a huge hit. In fact they requested I make them from then on.

Not to toot my own horn but they are really good. People always want the recipe when they try them for the first time.

However we were growing in size. People were starting to come in from surrounding states and even as far away as Texas, California, and New York. The backyard that was hosting it was getting to small and I was going to have to make a lot more ribs.

One of the attendees stepped up to solve the hosting issues as his family had lake front property on the other side of the state we could use. Plus he came through for me renting a grill large enough for me to attempt eighteen slabs of ribs at once.

They do take six hours to cook so it is not like I can do them in multiple batches.

And I managed to do it then and for the next four years.

However things changed.

Last year was awkward for me. Since I only see these people once a year and I was changing rather dramatically at this point my appearance was confusing most of them.

As they were standing five feet from me asking were I was or should I say him. Even though I was right there. In front of them and they were looking right at me. I really kept to myself mostly and avoided the camera if at all possible.

This year seeing as how I can't even fool anyone I am could be a boy, but not feeling finished with my transition, I emailed the host and politely declined my invitation this year. Without the why.

Needless to say when the announcement was made the website message boards went crazy. Though nothing bad was said it was obvious I was going to be missed but people were nice in saying not to worry about it take care of me first and they would see me soon.

I have a lot to do still, I have bigger things happening right now as I expected. I was good with it. Plus it is a family event now and I simply didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable with my presence.

I was at peace with my decision and thought I would talk to the organizer and tell him what was up to see if I could attend next year. I would be understanding if I couldn't, but at least I would be living full time by then and either they could accept it or not. I wouldn't try to be there awkwardly in between.

For the last six months it hasn't bugged me one bit.

Until now.

The event is this Saturday. It is turning out to be bigger then ever as we have corporate reps coming out along with the site owners who's site we all discovered each other.

Up to this point I know I have had to let some things go from that previous life. Either I am physically unable to do them or it just isn't safe.

Yet now as I see this event rapidly approaching I am struggling with my non attendance.

I think I know why.

It might have been something I started off doing as him, but this type of event is me. I am giving up something I not only can do but I love to do. Something like this is who I am and very much a part of me. There might be things that I did as him because I could and was willing to try. Now that he is fading giving them up wasn't a huge issue since the weren't things that were really ever me.

This isn't one of them. This was something that was all me, deep down inside, cooking and entertaining is second nature to me. Even though I can still do this my presence as me is going to be tricky. I still will not be able to do it this year even if I wanted to but that doesn't mean I don't miss it.

I do.

A lot.

I just hope one day I can either return or that I can surround myself with other people that I can do this for. It was a unique bunch, but they were a good group. I was amazed from the first one until now just how well they always turned out. I just don't know how they will handle this news and now isn't the time to talk to them about it.

There is always next year.

For now I need to let it go.