Merry Christmas

Winter Dreams

Just wishing everyone the best for the holidays and may all your Christmas wishes come true!

When the World Changes

This last Saturday I had the chance to go out.

Which I took full advantage of. 

The only issue I ran into was the fact I could not get a hold of any of my friends. 

So I did what I normally do in this situation I headed out to the usual haunt and hoped for the best. 

Now before I continue on with the rest of my story I should preface all this with some background information. 

My usual locale of entertainment was never my favorite place. 

Back when I didn't have a clue as to where to go when out I met my friend J in Atlanta. (This is my other friend J not the one I recently disclosed to.) She mentioned this gay bar near downtown that was trans friendly on Saturday nights and that she is usually there.

So being scared and uncertain back then I went.

From the moment I walked in there I knew I didn't really fit in with that scene. However it was all I had and it most definitely served its purpose. I gain a ton of confidence in just being able to step out of the house. It is also where I met B. So it wasn't all bad. It might have never been my favorite place but the experience and growth it allowed me has been invaluable.

Yet this last Saturday as I walked in I almost immediately felt that I didn't want to be there. Maybe it is because of all the time I have been spending with B and others recently doing different things. Going to other places and just opening my world up to more experiences. 

It certainly doesn't hurt that I am no longer uncomfortable being out and about. 

So after one drink, bumping into someone from my old support group I realized there was nothing there for me. 

My friends J and S weren't even there. 

So not knowing what else to do I tried to reach B one more time...

...and I got a reply!

A few text later and we established that his cousin C was in town for her birthday weekend and that they were going out to a industrial/goth club closer to the downtown area. He also asked if I wanted to come.

Well I didn't want to feel like I was tagging along so I asked if it was ok with everyone else. 

To which he sent the follow up text of: 'Hold on'

Two minutes later my phone was ringing. 

"Hello?"

"Hey Ms. Kelli, C says to get your cute butt over here. She yelled at me for even asking if you could come. She said 'OMG!! Totally invite her she is so cool!!!' So are you coming?"

"Wow, yes I am so there!" 

"By the way, this is going to be a different kind of club. Not that I doubt you but what are you wearing?"

"Well I have a purple sweater dress and knee high boots."

"OMG you are in a dress? I have never seen you in one, that HAS to be hot!!! Anyways that should do fine."

"LOL ok are you going to give me directions?"

With that he proceed to explain how to get to them, it wasn't bad as they were only 15 minutes away.

Thus I quickly finished my one drink and off I went. 

Twenty minutes later I was walking into a hotel (the club is in a back basement and they rented a room upstairs to crash in afterward along with change in) to met up with the girls as B and the DJ (This is what I'll call C's BF as initials are just not cutting it much anymore.) had run out to get a quick bite while I was in route. Thus I entered the room and again met the wonderful C and her BFF Kitten(I'll dub her that since she wore this killer leopard print dress for the night). 

They chatted on and off with me as they finished getting ready. C super sweet as always and so wanting to hear what I had been up too. Kitten was being fussy getting ready but she did chat too.

Shortly after I got there B and DJ showed up and we all sat around chatting while the girls finished getting ready. 

It wasn't too long and down the elevator we went, as we had to leave the hotel walk around out back to get into the club.

We walked in paid cover and I checked my coat as I had on a below the knee black trench as the dress was short and it is darn cold out this time of year. When I turned around all four of them were staring at me. 

I swear they almost all said wow simultaneously. 

B came up took my arm and said; "Come on we'll get a drink and I will show you around. By the way, you look absolutely smoking hot!!"

I laughed at him and strolled into the club proper...

...and proceeded to have one of the best times in my entire life!

The club as an amazing mix of just about everything goth, fetish, gay, lesbian, bi, cos play, fetish, and a lot of just John Q. Public. In fact that was probably more than half the crowd.

The people watching was just off the charts, and while it was an industrial club it had a really relaxed mellow vibe to it. I also liked the fact that it was so big that the dance floor has a separate sound track from the bar area. 

Although the music was a little heavier in general then what I would listen to I am a big fan of electronic music and most definitely heard some cool new stuff. 

I had some amazing conversations with DJ, Kitten and C. I even challenged DJ on his being freaked out by Hello Kitty (a girl at the bar was wearing a back pack). I told him it is cute and who doesn't like kittens to which he replied 'me' but that it was how strangely it was drawn and the whole Japanese anime thing was just weird. I laughed at him and he wanted to know why? I told him I found it funny and ironic that he would be freaked out by that and not the two people clad entirely head to so in latex not twenty feet from us. 

He smirked at me and didn't have an answer. I had him, he knew it and admitted that it was a rather funny observation. 

Kitten even sat down next to me at one point and said told me she wanted to say something to me. 

"Kelli they told me about you before you came up just so I would know, but now having met you, talked to you and watched you here tonight. I just want to tell you that you are one amazing woman. You have great style but you carry yourself so well, you are so beautiful and sexy and OMG you are so naturally a girl. I am simply amazed by you. I think it is great and you are going to do just fine."

B was listening in and followed that up with "See I tell you this all the time."

I am starting to realize they are probably right. Since this was a mostly straight crowd I ended up turning down six attempts to get my phone number or have them give me theirs. Even more offers for drinks. Two flat out attempts to take me home and yet I still didn't mind it at all. I had such a good time, met some great people, that I stayed out until 3am before heading home.  

I got hugs all around from everyone as I was leaving before they were and when C asked me if I had a good time then thanked me for coming. I chided her telling her that it was me that needed to thank her for inviting me. She laughed and said ok, but would I be willing to come again? I responded that I would very much love to come again. She then informed me that I would so be told ahead of time before their next outing. 

I was looking forward to it before I even walked out the door. 

On my way home I realized just how much my life had changed that night. Never did I feel uncomfortable or worried. I simply was not worried about a thing. It amazes me how right my life feels. Now that the fear and trepidation are gone I just go and do. I also noticed that the old world I had been in had suddenly just become much less important to me. 

It served its purpose but that purpose is no longer there. 

Quite suddenly I have outgrown it and I am so much better for having done so.

Amazing how one night can change your world. 

I know mine has. 

Near Miss

So last week an engineer who recently left the company came back for a visit.

He is missed. Not only was he very smart and well respected, he was fun to have around and well liked.

Since he had that day off we all decided to go to lunch.

Now lately I haven't being going out with the boys for lunch anymore. I have gotten reclusive for a reason.

So here we are sitting at a long table. I am at one end and the waitress is moving around the table taking orders.

She finishes with the coworker next to me, turns to me and says.

"And what can I get you miss?"

O_O

I quickly glance around the table to see if anyone was paying attention.

As they were mostly busy chatting rather loudly about things. (They are men what do you expect?)

No one seemed to notice. I am also probably fortunate that she was standing next to me saying it in my ear rather then shouting it across the table.

I'll never know for sure if it was heard or not but I did not see any indication that it was.

Mostly because I know with this group there are more than a few of them that would have a field day if they ever heard me addressed like that.

That might change later, but it would be the subject of many a joke for now.

Not to mention around here they like to poke fun at something for an extended period of time.

It just isn't something I am ready to deal with right now.

However it appears my days of lunch trips with the group have quickly come to an end.

Christmas Music by Kelli

Finally.

I had to fuss with the widget a bit as Grooveshark made some recent changes to their site which caused a few headaches.

Fear not, as today I present you with something different.

My list of favorite Christmas songs.

Yes they are in fact a little different. I happen to like alternative takes on old classics.

Winter WonderLand - Liz Phair (Brilliant cover!)
God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman - Barenaked Ladies w/ Sarah McLaughlin (Just really fun.)
Sleigh Ride - KT Tunstall (Who doesn't like KT? She is so underrated.)
Let it Snow - Luscious Jackson (This is how this song should be done!)
Dance of the Sugar Plus Fairies[Red Baron Remix] (Love this.)
12 Days of Christmas - Straight No Chaser (SEE THEM LIVE!!! So talented and how they do this is beyond me! Listen ever so carefully.)
Christmas Time is Here - Ivy (I simply cannot get enough of this song! Purely amazing!)

Uniquely new songs.

Mistletoe - Colbie Caillat  (Heard this for the first time last year. Loooove!)
Wizards in Winter - Trans Siberian Orchestra (I've seen them in concert amazing show!)
Christmas All Over Again - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (What can I say? Tom Petty can sing just about anything and make it cool.)
Father Christmas - Save Ferris (Always been a fan and though it is very different I just like it. Call me a wee bit rebellious!!)
All My Bells Are Ringing - Lenka (New this year, so cute!!)
Christmas Wrappings - The Waitresses (The Radio sooooo does not play this enough!)
Maybe Next Year - Meiko (Can you make Christmas sound any more naughty?!)

Along with others that just remind me of the lost wonder of youth.

Snoopy's Christmas is one of my absolute favorite songs harking back to my childhood. Christmas in not complete for me until I hear it on the radio.

However it recently was replaced as my favorite Christmas song by Trans Siberian Orchestra's Christmas Canon. They did this version with a children's choir I have never been able to find the name of. As opposed to the rock version they do. This version is just so beautiful I can listen to it any time of the year.

So with that I give you the playlist, Please Enjoy and Merry Christmas!!!

P.S. It'll be in the side bar too.

Consequences

Recently one of the people I have disclosed to mentioned the following to someone connected to me.

That I wasn't or haven't considered all the consequences of my transition.

Really?

I haven't considered the lost of family or friendships? Maybe face unemployment because I am trans, discrimination or hatred by those that might figure out I wasn't born a woman naturally? All the pain and hurt I have already endured and is still possibly yet to come?

Those are simply the most common ones too. 

I am going to love informing my therapist of this comment. She has heard me discuss my fears ad nauseam. I am fully aware that I might have to reset my entire life to finally have the freedom to be myself. I covered a lot of them myself. She filled in a few I hadn't considered, and between the two of us probably came up with some new ones. 

I spent two years working through that until I felt I was ready to face it. Even while trying to find a way or reason not to transition. Yet I kept coming back to the fact that if I didn't I simply would breakdown from the pressure to be someone else, that I am not. 

Thus this statement greatly insulted me. 

Now I don't know what will actually happen I might have to face every single one of those fears. I might not have had to face any at all (I know that wasn't the case). It is just impossible to predict what you are going to experience for sure or how much.

What causes me to face these is the fact that simply I fear them less then what would happen to me if I don't transition.

I have mentioned before that fear is a very powerful motivator. 

So having experienced glimpses of how much better life could be when I get to be myself 100% of the time. How much more potential I see and feel. Compared to the misery and depression I have to suffer through right now. I feel that I would rather be alive and enjoying my life for once. The fear of not doing so is greater. 

Still the idea that I haven't thought about how transitioning could impact my life irritates me to no end. 

I am already facing some of those consequences and can only wonder at what else will come my way.

That doesn't mean I am stopping or not doing this. 

Thoughts of anything else are simply too bleak.

So that consequence trumps all the others. 

Just a Small Peek

I know I don't post pictures of myself much.

Well...actually I have only done so once. I am simply very concerned about my privacy. Plus I don't know who actually visits this blog and I since I am not completely I out, I don't want to make myself to recognizable.

At least just yet.

However I have recently come into possession of some pictures others took of me recently in Atlanta.

So what is the story behind this one?

Well my friend Kathy and I took our friend Gina to CNN and the world of Coke along with some general down town trekking and site seeing.

At Coca-Cola I had walked up the step to take pictures of the beautifully painted over sized coke bottles. (There is actually a shot of me doing just this but it is from behind, but I am not going to post a shot of my butt.) When I finished and turned around I noticed Gina taking said pictures of me. So I quickly raised my camera and snapped one myself of her, taking a picture of me. So yes I have the other side of this photo. :D

I won't post it since I don't have permission but here is the other famous half.

That is me. Head to toe. As I have mentioned before I only get a little help in the chest area the rest is all me. Well that and the hair. (Soon that won't be the case.)

Plus I am not to worried about exposing myself with this shot. :D

And yes I have no issue wearing sneakers for being comfortable or cute casual in attire. I was site seeing in Atlanta for 6 hours. Sheesh! I don't want my feet killing me. I can wear heels when I go out and feel the need to spice it up.

The thought here was to give those readers who haven't ever met me in person a better idea of why I hear some of the things I do.

I mean B always marvels at this. He just cannot fathom how I do boy.

As we all know that is becoming harder even when I do bury it under bulky over-sized mens clothing.

I am guess now that  I further along than I might even realize myself. Even so I need him for a little while longer.

I hope everyone enjoys this small glimpse of me. It will probably be a while before I do it again.

Whispers of the Future

I have had some interesting conversations over the last month or so.

They have all had different view points revolving around the same topic. 

The Future.

One friend who recently went full time was pontificating about how much she now loved living as a woman. Completely enjoying how she now interacted with the world. 

Yet she hit on an issue regarding her future and that she didn't know what to do next now that she had transitioned.

I discovered this to be rather interesting when she told me this. 

It was as if she had spent all this energy to transition and deal with all the issue to finally get to the top of the mountain and look around with only one thought in her head.

"Now what?"

The next conversation was even more interesting. As someone very near and dear to my heart talked about how she is being overwhelmed with the feeling that she has never lived her life. As she starts presenting her self in situations more as herself she is noticing...well...nothing. That she is just being herself, that there isn't any fanfare or parades to announce herself to the world. 

It was weighting heavily on her mind that is was going to take a significant amount of time to reach a point where she could just feel normal all the time, rather than how she feels now, always fighting who she is. 

The secondary concern that she was dealing with; What is normal?

I understand both of these issues, maybe not experiencing them completely for myself but I understand what they are thinking and even to a certain degree feel some of it myself. 

Which then brings me to a third friend whom has been living full time for a little over a year, if I am recalling correctly. She is hard to get in touch with sometimes since she is so busy doing the things she wants to do.
They aren't glamorous or even things most people would be interested in. These are things she simply loves to do and I even applaud her for what some of them are. 

All these situations and conversations brought about a lot of thoughts and feelings. I also did a lot of soul searching sometimes even on the spot. 

It took one of my favorite movies, which I had not seen in quite some time but caught most of it recently, to really put it in perspective with one of the most important lines delivered it in. 

'Carpe Diem'

Or 'Seize the Day'. Just in case you don't know Latin.

Those simple words really got me a thinking.

What grand revelations did I have?

When I am done with the process of transition I know full well that life will not always just come to me. 

I have to go out there and grab it. 

Think about it, isn't that what transitioning is?

Seizing the opportunity to finally be yourself. To take the opportunity to feel free about who you are? 

This isn't handed to you. Every single one of us have had to seize the desire to overcome our fears, social backlash, whatever and just go do it.

We had to.

Not someone else.

Life in general works this way. Those that succeed or accomplish goals they feel are important did so by putting forth the effort. 

The same can be applied to life after transition. 

I imagine there will be a period of time where I am just adjusting to finally living full time. That I understand. Though I do want to finally explore the world as me on my terms. 

Some of the items on my 'todo' list are to leave my home state. 

Really. 

I feel that even though there is a fondness I will always have for my home state. I feel it is just time for a change of scenery. If I wasn't in the middle of transitioning I would move now. The idea is as soon as I can leave here as me I am going to go. It will be after I reach full time possibly after GCS.

I am open to a lot of places I love the eastern seaboard from North Carolina up to Massachusetts or New Hampshire.

Minnesota has always a favorite destination of mine. Along with the Pacific Northwest, notably the greater Seattle area. 

However someone recently place the idea of Denver or some part of Colorado into my head. 

This has rapidly gone to the top of my list of places I would like to live. First I love mountains and the change of seasons. Even better I will have easy access to some fantastic ski resorts that are all within a few hours drive with others being further but again drivable. 

I love this idea. I would be gone many a weekend in the winter enjoying the snow.

I also want to gain the freedom to do the things I want. I would love to join a social club either for singles or mixed. Just a group that loves to arrange events. Theater, dining, movies, music, whatever comes to the area. Even a ski club would be cool.

I also see myself getting more active again. Maybe volleyball or soccer which are some of my favorites. Co-ed or whatever I can find. Who knows what else as long as I am participating as me with some quality people staying fit.

Other things I want to do is decorate my own place. It doesn't have to be big or fancy and I don't need to have it be lavishly decorated. I have a strong arts and crafts background that I wouldn't mind dusting off and using again. Including some artwork ideas I have had floating around in my head that I would like to work on.

Another idea that has been in my head for a while is the idea of building my closet. I read a lot of blog about real every day girls and how they express themselves with clothing and style. I however love the idea that some of them have been working on their closet for years. Collecting clothes from their mothers or family members, thrifting along with shopping the current trends and creating something interesting. I would even love to participate in something like 30 for 30, even if it was just for myself to view and document. 

Clothes have never been important to why I am transitioning. I do however have the strong desire to express myself in outwardly appearing manners. How I decorate a room, my art, cooking or even draped over my body. I have had this sense of style since I was day one that has always been looking for an outlet. It just hardly ever fit who I was trying to be. So quite often it was squelched. 

Which is all part redefining who I am. Allowing who I have always wanted to be to come out and be seen with whatever it is I may want to try. 

Granted a lot of this relies on me successfully transitioning and being able to support myself for the rest of my life. We shall see what this change brings. 

The point though is I want to go out and grab life and experience it as me for myself. Something I have never done before. I am not content to sit back and say what next.

Nope.

I will go out and find it wherever it might be. I am willing to try a lot things once. The only question is did I like it enough to do it again.

So in the end I just hope to finally be able to be me. Then I can go out and life my life as me. Free of the distress and concern of who I had to appear to be. Also normal will be whatever I make it. It is all about finding my place again in the world only this time on my own terms. 

I just know I can't wait for it to come to me. I have to go get it. 

Much as I did to transition.

'Seize the Day.'

In The News

I am sure you have all figured out that I am having some surgery coming up.

Schedule and whatnot permitting it should happen.

Am I going to go into a lot of detail? Show Pictures? Etc? 

In a word?

No.

For me this is a very private thing. I don't feel the need to expose it completely to the world, no offense. 

Actually I feel this way about any surgery I have. 

I will probably give some info as to how it all went, where I had it, and what was done. 

After it happens. 

Though I won't post an offical date. I will say that it is scheduled to happen in the first quarter of next year. 

This is going to be a huge step. It will forever change what I look like and fundamentally alter my life. 

It is rather scary. Yet strangely exciting all at the same time. 

Here is hoping for the best!