Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Thumb Tacks

I am acutely aware that I have not posted much recently.

With the holidays I have had a lot going on.

I also have had a lot of issues rolling or smashing over me all at one.

I even had a freak out moment.

Ok, I am lying.

I have had a few.

Though the one I am most thinking of would be the public one where I lost my nerve.

Something that hasn't happened in a very long time.

I am not even sure what I want to talk about either. I simply have so much in my head right now I can't seem to focus on just one thing.

Or even just two or three.

Which is why I need the thumb tacks.

Really I don't have enough to mark all the places I have been emotionally in the last few weeks.

Thing is it hasn't felt like a rollercoaster.


I feel like I am everywhere all at once.

Not to mention my old friends fear and doubt have been riding shotgun and in the back seat.

It could be I have too much happening all at once.

I have a few friends I have to sit down and tell.

I also need to talk to HR in coming weeks. At least to start the conversation.

I seem to alternate between worrying about the upcoming surgery working to fully confident that the changes will turn out all right.

Mostly I seem to be settling on the former, that it won't work.

I am also worried that I am actually ready for the aftermath these changes will cause. I don't intend to be full time just yet and I can't imagine people not noticing.

For example I was out at a local mall this last weekend and I was doing my best to boy it up and I not once got called sir.

This amazes me. My natural hairline to me is such a dead giveaway. It isn't that it is thinning or receding but it does have a rather masculine shape.

What is going to happen when I look even less male than I do now? I think it is going to unsettle a lot of people including those who are expecting a boy.

The situation at home isn't good at all either. Which is generating a lot of stress as it could have a very far reaching impact.

I am just thankful I have some wonderful friends. Relationships that are more honest and real then anything I have ever had. People who chat me up to see how I am doing and to see if I am all right.

One friend made such a sweet gesture yesterday that I wanted to cry. Even though we haven't been talking like we used to it meant so much for her to offer what she did.

Another is just there to talk to, no how matter how mundane our discussions are I always feel better after I talk with her.

Things might be difficult now but I try to recall that I am a better person this way and I life should be better once all this is all done.

The big issue is getting everyone who has never met me to understand all this.

I do feel myself climbing out of all this but it is a slippery slope. Anything at this point would not help and I could end up back sliding.

It is a tough road.


Laura Bennett said...

You will survive my dear, whether you feel like it or not. Sometimes we need to stop and face our fears. It's not just about moving forward. Moving forward is good, but we also have to process while we go or else it catches up and you end up processing everything at once.

This happens to me a lot when I feel like I am doing everything right and out of the blue I get humbled. That's real life...

You do have some soul searching to do and you've known that. You have done some already, but now its time to slow down for a little bit and process the emotions. By this time next week you'll be moving full steam again. You'll see. You should learn to listen to your older sister. She's very wise... ;)

Kelli Bennett said...

No you are right, but I felt the need to get it out. I felt better after I wrote all that.

Plus I got to talk to my older sister who is rather wise even if it is always about her. ;)

Luv ya sis, don't ever think I don't.