Shadow Games

My lapse in posting recently was contributed to the fact that I was out of town the last several days.

Each spring I tag along to a conference in our nations capitol, since I love the area and at times have strongly considered moving out there, I don't mind going.

The interesting thing is after making the trip for several years I could not go last year.

A number of issues arose that just prevented it from happening.

So it had been two years since I had gone.

Which coincidently is right after I started seeking help about my condition along with right around the time starting to make physical changes.

Quite simply the people I usually see and interact with there had seen 'him' in his truest form.

Something that will never happen again.

Really back then I was 20 pounds heavier. I had just decided to stop cutting my hair so it was still very short. Hormones were not even in my vocabulary yet.

Needless to say a number of people who had not seen me since then and were used to 'him' were quite surprised.

I heard the following:

"OMG, <His Name>!!! I totally didn't recognize you."

"Holy shit! You look different!"

"Wow! That is <His Name>?"

"Where is he? Seriously that's him?!"

I'm sure I can come up with others if I thought about it, but I think you get the point. Usually these comments were associated with some fantastic facial expressions.

However I am noticing a few things about myself.

I am normally a social person. I love to meet new people, talk and chat with them. Most people consider me bubbly and friendly.

Though I am far more social as me than I am as 'him'

For the most part I am, though I am cautious as to how well I want to get to know someone beyond that.

However I was loathing doing anything in large group settings. There were times as I walked into the room I felt like I was about to have panic attacks.

The issue is being that I am still mostly in the closet, now that my appearance is changing it is harder to hide what is not only going on with the outside. It also becomes difficult to hide what is happening on the inside.

I don't really fit into the boys club anymore. I can make a few jokes here and there. My sense of humor has always served me well. Yet when they start talking guy stuff I am sure my eyes start to glaze over. It is then that I have to really pretend that I am interested.

Factor in the fact that there were a lot of students that were invited out by the organization. Now this is a female dominated profession. If I were to guess it is 65/35 in membership. So a lot of the students were women, whom we tagged along with on Monday night for a run to the bar.

It was agonizing.

These girls fit who I am, late 20's dressed well, having fun and reveling in being themselves. While I had to look on. It just isn't fair. I honestly feel like an outsider in both worlds. I don't exactly fit in with truly with either one at this point in time. Though, obviously, I am in more inclined favor the group of women.

Never mind I had to keep my mouth shut about fashions and other things.

(I mean really a business suit with flip flops to meet your congressional representatives? That is beyond tacky.)

I was even not wanting to spend time with smaller groups. Two friends of hers whom are very nice. Met up with us during their down times we hit a few of the museums together. I always stay polite and friendly but I don't really want to build any friendships as 'him' right now. Since I feel they will simply collapse later.

Imagine my chagrin when later they told my partner in crime, while they were doing the business portion of their visits, that they missed having me around and thought I was a lot of fun.

*Sigh* If only they knew where the fun part of me came from.

On top of all that I find myself doing something else.

I am actively avoiding my reflection while I am out in public.

I am not sure what it is. It might be cause I don't like what I see right now or that fact that I know it is getting harder and harder to present people with what they think they should see. Rather then what I am.

Maybe it is easier to maintain the illusion of being a guy when I am not visibly reminded I don't look as he should.

Remember this is the reason I avoided doing a lot of things to look different when I was younger. The idea was the more I looked like a guy the easier it would be to act like one or at least cover up for the miscues and oddities.

This seems to be true as I am finding it harder to do this as I change.

The other thing that was upsetting some of the people we were with was my avoidance of getting my picture taken. I feel this has a lot to do with what I just talked about.

I don't want to be reminded that I am not physically me yet along with he looks a little weird.

Really I was turning down standing in the shot quite often. Not to mention I flat out stepped out of a few of them when someone was trying to catch me standing somewhere.

I overhead the comment of "He has issues."

I hate that I might be disappointing people who might like having 'him' around but at the same time I do want to become to close to people when I am simply pretending anymore.

In the mean time I find myself trying to step back into the shadows so as to not draw too much attention to 'him'. I am starting to think it might be a preliminary response to the fact that 'he' will be going away.

Deflated

As you know I was forced to cancel my plans to tell my parents about me this last weekend.

Yeah, they had a good reason to refuse seeing me. I cannot fault them for that.

But it doesn't make it any easier for me. I spent Friday and Saturday preparing myself.

There were moments where the enormity of what I was about to do would feel like it was overwhelming me to the point of almost having panic attacks.

I would calm myself down and rebuild my resolve. I don't think I have had my emotions so up and down over two days like I did with this.

By Saturday night I was ready, relaxed I knew I could do this. I didn't know what would happen or how it would go but I was confident I could tell them.

When I got the phone call around eight in the evening.

After I got off that call I simply deflated. I was so prepared perhaps even worked up with what was coming I simply collapsed emotionally.

I spend the evening on the couch with my stuff moose, a blanket and box of Kleenex. No TV or music. I don't think I have ever done so much crying.

Part of it was the flood of emotion out of me that I wouldn't have to do this just yet.

The other part was a bit of anger regarding the situation.

I am not mad at my parents. I cannot be, they are saying goodbye to a beloved pet that they have had for eleven years. (They got her after I moved out so I didn't know her as well as the other dogs that I had grown up with.)

I was and still am mad at the unfortunately timing of it. Yet I know there is nothing I can do.

However I was in a fog all day Sunday and only made it worse by going shopping.

I can see you know asking, OMG! Kel how can shopping make is worse?.

Well, you see I am not full time yet and I had get a few things for 'him'.

Oh joy!

Now I have been avoiding buying clothes for him for almost a year and a half. However some of my pants are left over from my heavier days and they were starting to wear out.

Yes, I know hard to believe but 34 inch jeans don't fit a 29 inch waist.

It was getting pretty bad. Thing is I hate mens jeans. They don't fit me right(never have) and I still have to buy two sizes up to get them to fit as best they can. Most men with a 29 inch waist don't have 39 inch hips. Consider I usually buy loose fit comfort jeans too.

Ugh.

The other down side is men's don't have any stretch in them. I almost always buy my girls jeans with 2% spandex in them. Love the fit that gives me.

Not having that give makes them stiff and uncomfortable until I get them worn in with some wearing and washing.

All in all I was reminded of my current situation, the frustration of waiting, on top of the emotional roller coaster of preparing myself to talk with my parents, and the messy situation at home that I feel I need to start the process to remove myself from.

All this is starting to press down on me so hard that I feel I am closer to cracking under it then I realize.

It is going to be an interesting year.

Funny How Things Happen

My mother called me this evening.

They have to cancel meeting me tomorrow. It seems they had spent the better part of the afternoon at the vet with their oldest dog.

From what she told me it doesn't look good.

And I could hear the anguish in her voice though she was trying to hide it.

Knowing this I just I don't have the heart to tell them this while I know their concerns are elsewhere and their hearts are heavy. So I accepted the cancellation.

I have not done so with out ramifications.

I am starting to crack under the strain and pressure.

I don't know if I can do all this much longer.

I am starting to get the feeling that one way or another I am going to have to remove myself from this situation.

His life is not mine nor do I want to continue living it.

Unfortunately I only see two ways out of it.  No one is going to like the second one and the first is going to be an ugly mess to wade through, hurts like hell, and causes nothing but pain, anguish and tears.

[Update]She called me again this morning. Sadly what I feared was going to happen is going to happen. I feel bad for them. However in light of this information I cannot force the issue. I know I need to do this, but now simply isn't appropriate for them. It sucks since I had myself so prepared to do this even with the roller coaster of emotions I have had this week. At least I didn't back out because I was scared.

If you can't convince them; confuse them.

So I had a Doctors appointment earlier this week. Now this is the same GP that I talked about here.

Nothing out of the ordinary I think now that he knows he is just keeping an eye on me. Fair enough and he didn't charge me for the office visit.

Always nice.

But that wasn't even the interesting part of the whole thing.

Now realize I am still him at this office. Name, etc.

So the interesting part came when I was sitting in the lobby waiting for my name to be called.

When it was I quietly got up, walked to the door the nurse/aid/PA was standing at and waited.

She paused for a second and called his name again.

While I was standing almost right in front of her.

"Ummmm...that is me."

She looked at me, looked at the chart, looked at me again.

"<his name>?"

"Yep."

She took a long look at me. Then said "Come in, back to room three."

What I didn't know was the Doc was just off to the side watching the whole exchange.

He asked if it bothered me. I chuckled and told him no, and that I actually get more stares now trying to be him then I do as her.

He didn't notice it as much but then he usually sees me a few times a year.

One of these days I am going to surprise him.

Slaying Dragons

Yesterday I did something I have never done before.

And no it wasn't skydiving naked.

Sheesh.

No, yesterday I went to therapy. As me...with my own hair.

GASP!

For real!

I am not kidding.

My hair has been a major, huge, astronomical concern.

Now other then routine trims to keep it manageable and neat. I haven't had it aggressively cut in over two years. But it did need that time to grow out since I kept it so darn short.

Seriously the marines would have been proud.

Today it is around three inches below my ears and sitting right around my jaw line.

But other then styling it to try and continue to look like a guy. I just didn't know what could been done with it if I wanted to appear as a girl.

I figured at this point with me being so close to making changes along with knowing that I am planning on full time. I wanted to get a sense of what I had.

So yesterday I had setup an appointment with my stylist. Headed out there right after work. Changed at the salon, handled everything but the hair.

I had this all timed to give myself time to get ready, give her time to style it and head out the door in time to make my therapy session.

The results?

OMG!!! I couldn't believe that it was my own hair. She blew me away giving me this mildly puffed bob look. Along with doing a wonderfully skillful job of disguising the mild flaws that I have.

I was simply stunned when she was done.

I cannot thank her enough ever for all that she has done for me.

Not to mention having my own hair was extremely liberating. It was everything I expected and more. My therapist noticed the same thing, that I was much freer with my head motions and gestures. She also loved the style. Wasn't what she expected, but she thought I looked extremely cute with it like that.

The point is the morning I feel like this isn't going to be an issue, yes a little work will still have to be done to correct some issues. Though it isn't like I am reconstructing a full head of hair, all I feel I need is two corners and a revision in the front, then I should be free to use my hair all the time and wear it how I want.

Thus I am not as worried as I once was. I large weight has been lifted and I feel worlds better about it today.

Things are simply falling into place and I have much more confidence that I well get to physically become the person I have always wanted to be.

Beginning of the End

I have my parents confirmed for lunch on Sunday.

If I don't loose it completely I plan on telling them.

Yes, I am incredibly terrified right now.

I will post what happens, I just don't know how fast I'll get that one up.

Just Another Girl

Those words were spoken to me this weekend.

Now before I tell you why let me set up how this came about.

Two of my dear friends S & J told me about a weekend event at a local resort on the other side of the state. Which here is only about a two and a half hour drive.

So I grabbed a Friday off from work and headed out.

Now before I go any further this was a TG event and as you know I have rather different along with strong feelings about these types of things. Those were very firmly reconfirmed this weekend to. However I have known S & J for over a year. I know these two carry themselves well and are not going to make a public spectacle of themselves.

They also are not the type to rely on the crowd to do things, in fact I did a lot with just these two all weekend and had a blast doing so.

Which was just what I was looking for.

Also there was R (whom I wrote about here) and her friend R2. Who seems like a pretty good cookie herself.

The most fun I had was out shopping in the quaint little downtown that was nearby. Just J and myself mostly(we had S early on but she started not feeling well and wanted to take a nap before that evening's festivities. So she headed back.).

Still it was blast and I was continuously amazed how many shop owners J knew. She stopped and chatted with so many of them it was wild. I think she eventually told me she had been going out there in the fall for about eight or nine years now. The spring was a little new from what I gather.

The craziest story I had was in this little boutique near one end of the strip. They had some uber cute clothes, and me and cute get along soooooo well. I was oogling this super hot blue party dress with these beautiful peacock feather patterns on it. The awesome sales girls walks up to us, looks at me, then states:

"Girl you have jeans on and I can tell you have the legs for this. Go try it on."

"Really?!"

"Yes, lets grab your size and put you in a room."

So back into the changing room I went, changing out my jeans, layered tanks and cropped cardigan for this saucy little number. It really was more daring then what I normally wear.

First thoughts?

Wow! Was it short, I started tugging it down when she asked if I was ok and I said yes, she popped open the curtain and quite matter of fact said:

"OMG! Girl you have killer set of legs and a butt! Come out here."

She pulled me out to stand in front of the mirror and chided me that with a butt like mine I needed to pull the skirt up. As I kept pulling it down lower and she kept hiking it up. However even my friend J and a cis girl agreed with the assessment. Not only did I have the body for it I looked great in it.

I had to admit it did. Even though I am still unsure about the length I did get it. Along with this really cute pastel swirl dyed tee shirt.

I have no idea if sales girl knew anything but in watching her interaction with her other cisgendered customers she treated me no different and was actually more complimentary toward me then some of the others. She was super sweet and knew her fashion. Sometimes I think it might be just that I don't present myself over the top. As I mentioned I was simply in jeans, layered tanks, cropped cardigan, with cute little white sneakers on. I love to be stylish but when all else fails I'll default to just cute. Which works fine for me also.

I sometimes wonder if cis women are more accepting when you present yourself in a less over the top manner. J and I noticed a few other girls while we were out and there were times the two of us just rolled our eyes ourselves.

Which brings me to the second part of this story. Shortly thereafter I got a text from R that her and R2 were out getting some lunch downtown. J and I located them to say hi and catch up a bit. Her and I had eaten already so we didn't join them. After a few we said goodbye and promised to meet up with them later that evening.

J and I did a little more shopping before heading out to get S and grab dinner before the evening.

It was later at the party event that evening I learned what happened after I left R and R2 to their lunch. The café they were at was a two story establishment. First this was the first time these to had ever seen me outside of a club or party environment. So the fact that I was dressed casually cute surprised them. They loved it and decided to make me part of an observation experiment.

As I mentioned the location was two stories and they were on the second story which was all windows. Being right next to one with a large view of the street below they decided to watch me as I moved along the street until I was out of sight.

What did they see?

Well they told me that I looked no different then anyone else out there. They marveled at how well I just went out and did my thing, fully confidant in myself and who I was. They also noticed that no one was looking at me oddly, giving me quizzical looks, etc. I simple was 'just another girl' enjoying the brisk spring weather and the fun shops as I moved up and down the street.

For the most part this is true. I don't question who I am anymore. I am quite confidant regarding that. I just have some physical changes I want to make to remove that last remanents of him and fully be able to cast off any lingering limitations they cause.

The biggest thing I have learned is to just by myself. A lot of things get taken care of after that. Not to mention people seem to find that easier to accept.

All in all the weekend was a blast. I had a ton of fun for the most part and I am glad the evening crowds were decided more mixed which I prefer. Not to mention on this trip I got to leave as girl and return as a girl with nothing else in between.

Ten Little Known Facts About Me

1. I can make a whistling sound either blowing air out or pulling air in. While trying to learn when I was young I figured out first how do it while pulling air in.

2. I won awards for some of my artwork while in HS.

3. I also wanted to be a graphic artist when I was growing up (If I really could I would have loooooved to have been a cartoonist). I am simply too much of a perfectionist and terrible with deadlines when it comes to that.

4. I have a tendency to dance with my eyes closed. I have no idea why but I just do. I constantly have to remind myself to open them.

5. I have only one true sports passion, playoff hockey. Granted I only watch my hometown team as long as they are still playing. However, since 1991 they have played in 244 games in the springtime. I have watched 241 of them without fail. Only missing 3.

6. My favorite children's book is Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Yes I read this as a small child, it was first published in 1978, so I knew about it long before it ever became a movie. In fact whenever friends for family have their first baby I always get them a copy of it as a gift.

7. Without a doubt my favorite color is Purple. I simply love a nice deep royal version of it. Funny thing is I consciously stopped buying clothes in that color because I thought I had too much. Going through my closet recently I realized I now have too little and wished I had more.

8. My favorite flavor of ice cream is Bluemoon. Though Cookies and Cream, Moosetracks, and Ben & Jerry's Phish Food are all high on the list.

9. I started learning how to cook when I was 8 years old. I still love it today.

10. I have only broken one bone ever in my entire life. The pinky finger of my right hand when I was about six. This is fairly amazing considering some of the extraordinarily reckless things I have done over the years.

There you have it, ten useless trivia items about yours truly. The interesting thing about this list if the right person read it the might be able to figure out who I am.

Shakin' What Your Mama Gave Ya!

In leu of the fact that I am headed out for a few days of fun and frivolity this weekend in which I plan on participating in one of my favorite things.

Dancing!

I love to dance. I spend a lot of my early bar hopping years hanging out with a few girls who would allow me to join them at a few local clubs.

I did have to watch the chick moves a bit but I still had fun. Not to mention got pretty good. Granted I am not amazing or anything but I can hold my own. Though it did take a little practice to learn how to do it in heels. :D

It was there I develop a love of early electronic, industrial and even techno based music. I heard a lot of Ministry, KMFDM, Lords of Acid, Nine Inch Nails. Which lead into Deadmau5, Kaskade, Fatboy Slim, Benny Benassi, and the Crookers.

Along with a lot of the party classics. Though I dance to all types of music as long as it has a good beat.

However there are a few songs that just cause me to stir no matter where I am at. Most of them are on the current club rotation so I hear them fairly frequently.

With that I give you songs to shake your thing too.

Enjoy!

The Space Between

A little over a week ago, after a long Saturday of working, I went out to a local club.

I might have mentioned a disaster at work, and the repairs were finally made the following weekend. Allow us to return to normal operation.

So after working like crazy the Saturday before and all week. Coupled with a early and long day that Saturday I still dressed and went out.

Not the best idea I know, because by the time I drove home and cleaned up to go to bed I had been up for twenty-two hours straight.

But I had fun, got to see some friends I had not seen in a while.

And made one new one.

Now I had been introduced to her at least once briefly before. However we really never talked much past names and greetings.

This isn't a bad thing, it is just I have a tendency to be reserved when it comes to the Trans community as a whole. There are large parts of it that don't sit well with me, nor to I feel a part of them. In addition to the fact that most Trans (as I'll call them) that approach me I view as really being men dressed as woman. I can read their intentions so quickly that I usually just be polite as possible and just cut off the conversation rather fast.

I understand why they are doing it, but that isn't me.

Nothing about her jumped out at me as being an issue originally, but, as I found out, she was rather shy herself. I just didn't know what to say to her other than hello.

Now I cannot recall at all what sparked our conversation this time around. I know there are a few people there that are mutual friends. That might have generated it. I don't know as I was rather tired and the night is a bit fuzzy.

Still almost immediately I liked her. Down to earth, sensible, funny, smart, and even a little silly.

I ended up spending a lot of time with her that night. (Some of my other friends were forced to leave a little earlier. So I was rather on my own.)

We talked, we joked, we even accompanied each other on the dance floor for a few songs.

By the end of the night I was plopped down next to her on a little ledge chatting away, not wanting to head home. Simply enjoying her company and her attitude.

I was already in a frame of mind that this was someone I could build a solid hopefully lasting friendship with.

Then came the gotcha.

I was mistakenly under the impression that she was transitioning, if she had not done so already. The way she carried herself, her mannerisms, were not suggesting anything else.

I don't remember talking to her about it that night, but I know since then as we have chatted through email and online that she isn't.

I cannot fault her reasons why, in fact they are valid and I can respect her for them. We are all different and some of us while wishing we could just, well, never can do so.

The argument could be made that sometimes they are just excuses because they are afraid to do otherwise. I will give her the benefit of the doubt here just because she seems very sure of herself otherwise.

This however is not the point of this post.

The issue here lies with me.

What I am having trouble with is the fact that I am transitioning and she is not.

This bothers me since here is someone I really enjoy spending time with. The more I talk to her the more I like her. She isn't like most others and there is a level of mutual respect between us all ready. Yet she is going to keep her self limited in how she lives her life.

I am not.

I already limit myself in the trans community. Yes, there are some great people in it but I am transitioning. I know I am transsexual. Down the road I am simply going to be living my life unhindered as me. Where I go what I do is going to be open to just about anything. I am already doing that now as time allows.

Which means there are those that will be stuck in whatever situation they are, and won't be able or willing to follow.

I can already see a rift forming between my self and the trans community and it is my fear people like her that I would want to be friends with could or will fade out of prominace as I move forward.

It's not like I don't like the Trans community, I have met some really great people. However my goal is become the woman or girl I have always wanted to be. I simply am not going to restrict myself to hanging around the trans community simply because others won't do anything else.

Which brings me back to the issue at hand. I know I am going to see and talk to her again. The amount of chatting I have done with her since has already left an impression on me.

I just fear that friends of value, such as her, are going to pay the price when my life changes and a large space is wedged between us.

Casting the First Stone

The first one is a big one.

How big?

Well, I've reached a point where I need to start disclosing my function to those that are close to me that do not yet know.

Things are really going to start changing and I feel certain people are going to need to know.

Even if they are not going to like what I have to say.

I have a rather large one first up on my list.

My Parents.

That is right I have not yet told them about me.

Now it is interesting because my mother has complained about my appearance. She thinks I've lost too much weight and of course thinks I need a haircut.

Other than that I have not heard much from either one of them about anything else.

The trick was how to do this.

I don't think I can physically manifest the words out of my mouth to explain this. These are my parents we are talking about. For the most part I have had a good up bringing. They raised me to be independent and self sufficient, respectful of others, hardworking, and myself.

Little did they know I never really was that last one.

For the most part I get along with them very well. Yes there are the standard Parental/Offspring issues where we don't always see eye to eye on things. But the relationship is good. If anything my Mother can be difficult to deal with at times, I learned how to deal with that.

Obviously I would like to be able to maintain the relationship with them, even if altered.

So for a long time I didn't know how to tell them. How to form the words that I need to say and they need to hear.

So I wrote them down. I got the idea from a few other girls that lived considerable distances from their parents. I figured the best way to get this issue out and into the open was to write them down.

It did take me four attempts to write it. I simply did not want to bash them over the head with this or force it down their throat. The first few versions kind of did that or at least I felt they did.

After I was finally happy with it I passed it along to a few people who I know me and about me, along with my therapist.

All the feedback I have gotten has been tremendous and extremely positive. They simply love the approach I took and how I said it. I guess I managed to do a decent job.

Now I don't intend to do the cowardly thing and just mail them the letter.

No, instead I fully intend to hand it to them face to face and allow them to read it. I just don't know if I will be able to find the voice to get these words out verbally. My hope is this will break the ice and lead into conversation.

After that I will try to stay as long as I can to deal with their reaction. Furthermore I will try to answer any questions they have.

My biggest goal is to try an avoid any type of blow up or argument. I simply want to try and discuss it as civil human beings.

I finally feel I am ready to do this, though one large fear I have is my Mother's tendency to speak about things to just anyone at inappropriate times or when she shouldn't. This is a huge one cause I am not ready to be outed across the board. I know it is coming but that is for me to do, not her. I will have to stress this to her a bit when all this happens.

With that I will say that I was able to pin them down in two weeks time. They are both retired and on the road quite a bit. I'm going to try and have lunch with them near their house (They do live an hour away so I can't do this spur of the moment.) then sit them down and proceed to upend their world.

The enormity of this has been growing on me for the last few days. Yet this needs to happen. The person they knew as their son is going to be going away to be replaced my someone else. I know it will take them time, but I hope they can come to terms with it.

It is going to be interesting.

P.S. Since the letter has some personal information in it I will not post it on here. However if I have talked to you previously and you ask me nicely I will consider sending a copy for you to read.