Sweeping the Ashes

 “Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." - Gilda Radner

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” - Marilyn Monroe

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” - Anaïs Nin

Rather interesting quotes.

In light of current developments they are quite apropos.

I have had some good experiences lately.

Some of them have been great, even amazing. Life can do that when you are actually able to live it.

However I feel it is important to point out that it is a double edged sword. While life can be amazing and spectacular. It can also be trying and miserable.

Life is going to always throw shit at you, how you handle it defines your character.

I should probably get to the point of this post. Simply put, there are going to be times where you can do nothing about something other than be sad.

No, no one has died.

I simply find myself a single girl these days.

For those that have missed it I have been dating for a little over a year and a half. Twenty Months?

Recently I decided to end it.

Why?

It was not working for me.

What makes it most interesting was not how I was generally being treated. The boy had come into my life and charmed me silly. During a period of time in my life that I absolutely did not want to date.

Full time was rather new to me and he appreciated my company so much that he refused to allow me to use my Trans status as a crutch to limit myself. I grew so much as a person and very likely accelerated getting over my Trans hangups.

There were two problems though.

First,

I have commitment issues. I will not deny this and I still have a long way to go to resolving them. My prior relationship had turned toxic, then bottomed out at the end. It left me rather deeply emotionally scarred. I know why some of it happened. I will take the blame for things I did. It just never was a healthy relationship and I often felt like as soon as I entered it I was told what to do and when.

Regardless that is a story I will not delve into out of respect for those involved.

Suffice it to say, I was still left with the aftermath.

Couple that with the emotional trauma of transition and I will freely admit I was not always in the best place mentally.

Which had me in a no dating position when I met him.

He managed to get me to change my mind about that.

Still a year later when he wanted to move in together. I ended up having a complete panic attack{link?}.

It was not him it was me. I was and still am too scared to do it.

I need more time to deal with that.

There was also the issue that I knew what he wanted. I knew not that long into it. He had felt he had met the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Without a shadow of a doubt. It was so obvious that not only did I know it, others did.

Many of my friend who had met him would go on to tell me later something similar to the follow:

"It is obvious that boy adores you."

This added to the growing pressure I felt in the situation.

There were a few moments that I put my foot down. I had to point out that even though I had grown as a person. I still had old wounds and emotional scars that were not going to be easily healed. I begged for a slow down in some things. Asked him not to mention others. It was an attempt to allow me to adjust while giving me time to deal with my fears.

Still the pressure was always there. His family often already assumed we were engaged and what not.

It had grown to be too much no matter how hard I tried to prevent it.

In addition to all this we lost the ability to communicate effectively. I think some of my fears and outside pressure had me getting defensive again. I often felt I had to be crisp to shut down or cut off certain ideas before they gained traction. It also did not help that he is still very young. He has a wisdom beyond his years but his maturity did not always match up.

All of this lead to more and more arguments or feeling of bitterness from both sides.

It finally reached a break point and I discussed things with him, found I was getting nowhere. Frustrated and hurt I decided I needed to walk away so that I could catch my breath.

Thus I ended it.

I do not think that it would be that hard to figure out that it did not go well.

One would think that with Thirty-nine years of life and wisdom of the past to draw upon, that a situation like this could be handled better.

It was not.

I know I broke his heart. I am not proud of myself for it. I will have to live with the guilt and pain of it for quite sometime.

I also knew that I needed some time, pressure free, to be myself. To relax and enjoy life. I have learned and gained so much, with a lot of help from him. Yet I just need to spend some time living life free of anything but death and taxes as they say.

I do miss him. I cannot say that I do not. It still has been such a relief for me that I know it was the right decision.

I often said he might have been the right person, just at the wrong time.

The reason I am telling you this story is for a number of reasons.

First life can be difficult. Trans or not. As much as I have been happy post transition there is still fallout, hurt and shitty things life throws at you to deal with. It is not all rainbows and puppies.

Sometimes things simply suck and you have to deal with them. It is not always total bliss.

I also know that I have issues still inside to work out. Most of these are the type that take time. I have talked to my therapist about them we have discussed them, but these are deep and will take a lot of work.

I would never go back to who I was, but I am still adjusting to who I am now. It has been wondrous and interesting.

And sometimes it is a bitch.

In & Out

An interesting comment was made on my blog after this post.

The general perception was that one should not tell others they are Trans and that individuals that do this are making a dire mistake.

Bad things would happen. Fire and Brimstone! Dogs and cats living together! MASS HYSTERIA!!!

Feh.

Honestly, this may or may not be true.

I make this statement because each transition is different. While often similar in steps we all have different issues within our own transition that makes each situation unique.

For me, while in transition, I told and explained what was happening with me to those I felt were involved in my life.

I had some walk away and I had others surprise me with unwavering support to this day.

It is, I feel, important to get as many people to stand with you as is possible. If I had to do it alone I would have but having the extra support was priceless.

The rub is what to do post full time.

Well....I think that is up to you and what you feel you are willing to do.

For me there are a few groups that will always get told.

First and foremost is Doctors. This I feel is of utmost importance. They are going to have to know that I am trans to take into account certain things while treating me. Honestly this is a no brainer and a must for any trans person pre, post, or whatever. Otherwise you could be taking a risk with you health.

This was the reason I had to explain to the pharmacist what was up.{Link} He is a new one for me since I moved.

Next would be old friends. People, who in some cases I have known since childhood or often since high school.

Most of these people have re-entered my life and have been extremely supportive.

And I quote:

Rogue: "Yes I have missed you and your smile. We have had some great times and I am glad we can now have more!"

Scholar: "Kelli-kins, I am glad you are back in my life. You are good people."

Professor: "Really it is just a different version of you, much happier I might add. Besides you will always be a friend."

Ginger: "I does not matter, you are happy and I have never seen you so happy!"

Pixie: "Lean on your friends- we all love having you around."

None of these people have bothered to tell anyone else they have introduced me to anything about my past. I am simply their friend Kelli. Sometimes quirky, sometimes snarky, but always fun and welcome.

In fact Ringo(The nickname he already had), Trinity(if you knew her you would know why the character from The Matrix fits), Edison, Trinity's husband(who is an electrician, but I have way too much respect for Tesla to use him as a nickname),  Critic(what we do not go through with him to pick movies), Kaylee(nicknamed for her favorite Firefly character), have given me a standing invite to Wednesday night dinners at Ringo's home. We enjoy dinner and some TV or a movie. Always fun and yummy.

Ringo actually said this to me: "We had a good idea we liked you because you like to game. Now we are finding out that you like a lot of the same movies and shows we watch too."

Trinity is almost my doppelganger, crazy how we grew up geeking out on a lot of the same things and sharing similar interest growing up. We have been talking more and more because it can be so hard to find a kindred spirit.

There are also my new roommates Bonnie and Clyde who have told me straight up they loving having me as a roommate.

My new employer has not been told except for my HR rep and HR department head. They had no issues with it and were happy to have my on board. Everyone else takes me as is. There is more coming is a larger post that I have been working on so I will save it for that.

Lastly is extend friends and family, most of them knew me since I was little. Sometimes from day one. I see them from time to time. My parents have stayed in close touch with them many of them. Of course they are going to ask my parents how their kids are doing.

To which I have given my mother cart blanch to discuss with them. She has been so proud of the person I have become. I also know it is not easy for her to share it with everyone but she does anyway. Many of these people she has brought up to speed regarding my function have expressed a lot of support to my mother. More so after some of them have met me in person.

Others have expressed an interest in getting a chance to meet me.

My extended family has been even better totally taking it in stride to the point they have been making sure that I am in the loop on family events.

I am perfectly fine with all this. People have been extremely supportive and my status as a Trans Woman does not come up after the initial telling.

I cannot say that this will work for everyone. If you are planning or have transitioned it may be better for you to not spread the word as much. I cannot say for sure it will be up to you to decided what you should do.

All I can tell you is my policy. Which is basically new people do not get told the old ones can be.

That is my story and I am sticking to it.

Moving on Up

The last few years have been interesting for a number of reasons. One thing that I have experienced has nothing to with Gender.

It has to do with relocation.

The reason why is I have moved twice in less then two years.

Sixteen months to be exact.

Prior to this I had moved twice in thirty-seven years.

I mean my parents moved into the house I grew up in three months before I was born. We moved out three months shy of my twentieth birthday.

Five years after that I moved out of that house and into where I would live for the next twelve years.

Thus moving was not a common occurrence in my life. Say as some Military brats or more nomadic people might have experienced.

I will say that it has allowed for some unique learning experiences in that time.

First living with my cousin {link?} who happily opened up her spare room to me last year. To the dynamic duo who are renting a part of their house to me here in Ann Arbor.

Bonnie and Clyde, as I will refer to them(Okay they are not THAT notorious but they are a ton of fun.), have been wonderful slum lords (total joke) and fantastic roommates. Often having a lot of fun with me since I am ten and eight years their senior.

Recently I mentioned I was going to be away one weekend since I had to travel to another part of the state for a family holiday gathering, then over to my parents to make cookies with my mom for the holidays.

immediately the comments came flying.

"What? You are going to be gone this weekend? Who gave you approval for this?"

"We need names and phone numbers of where you will be!"

"Have we met their parents?"

"We need to approve of everyone you will be hanging out with!"

"You are not going anywhere until you clean that room!"

All said with a glint in their eye. Which prompted a good laugh in the kitchen.

They have been wonderfully welcoming and extremely nice to me.

My favorite was what happened in early December.

I was sitting at the table in the dinning room writing out my Christmas Cards. When Bonnie walked into the room.

"Hey Kelli."

"Yes?"

"I am having a few of my lady friends over this coming Saturday night. We will have snacks, xmas movies, mulled wine. Would you like to come? I would love to have you if you have no other plans."

My day that Saturday was insanely packed but I knew I ultimately was going to be home around 9pm.

"What time are you starting?"

"Oh we will start around eight but anytime after is fine."

I explained my day to her but told her I should be home by 9pm. As it seems these days everyone is booking things all on the same day.

"Great I will see you then."

So what happened?

Well. I got to meet an incredible group of women you hailed from all corners of the country who all happen to be living in Michigan at this time. We had a southern belle, Minnesotan, two from Maine, One from upstate NY, another from northern Michigan. I forget where everyone else was from.

I had a great time sharing stories and listening to all the interesting things said in the 'knitting' circle. In fact it is not often I laugh that hard with a group of people. They compare with the Cabin crowd in that regards.

The amazing part was telling my stories, sharing things I have done and laughing about the silly things men do. Seriously if you had watch my previous relationship it would make total sense in regards to roles. So flipping the gender at times is all I need to do.

It was an empowering and gratifying experience. I thanked Bonnie the next day when I saw her downstairs. As I had gone to bed the earliest, mostly because I had been on the run all day.

She in turned thanked me for coming. She mentioned that she and Clyde really have enjoyed having me in the house and she was glad I enjoyed myself as much as I did.

It was a different environment than my usual geekier friends. Who are totally un-ashamed to have fun even at their own expense. Not to mention have a deeper interest in some of the same things I do.

Still this was something I had been craving. Just a group of women letting their hair down and being themselves. It reminded me of when I kept trying to do this during my middle and high school years but always felt I was being left out or worse pushed out.

It was carthic, empowering and energizing.

I cannot wait to do it again!

I am so glad I met those two and took the risk to rent their upstairs from them. I am even happier that they were willing to let me do so. No I have not told them I am Trans the need to just has not come up. It is not like I purposely hid it. I just do not feel the need to announce it to EVERYONE!!

I have definitely enjoyed this move.

 

Working Stiff

As you all know I left my previous job.

This would be the one that I transitioned at.

Now there were growing pains, but for the most part the company and colleagues were great. I honestly could not have asked from much more from them.

Still nothing lasts forever.

The first year was good after transition.

Then somewhere earlier this year things shifted.

I am not sure why or how either. To this day I am a little baffled by it.

Yes, the tone of conversation in meetings and between the team changed a bit.

Hey, there was a girl in the room now and they were on much better behavior. Not that they were ever bad about it but we all know men will complain about their wives. Frankly having worked in a department of mostly women when younger the same can be said for women complaining about their husbands.

Really both sides do it, even if they will not admit to it to the other side.

(I do wonder if the same happens with gay or lesbian couples. I have to imagine it does but I have not worked with many to know if they do it in the work place. Something to ponder.)

Still they did clean up their act with no prompting from me.

I even had my old manager apologize to the group once that if I was not in the room he would have had something to say about the woman we just talked too on a conference call.

I laughed and told him not to worry. She was being a bitch and I would not be offended at all. Seriously she was EXTREMELY difficult to talk to and reason with. Men do it and I call them assholes or jerks. Point is the label fit. Even if it some thing it is unpleasant.

Some people are just unpleasant period.

Now I know through all this perceptions changed regarding me. I also had to learn how I now fit into the dynamic of the team.

Which I thought I had done for the first year, but we had a number of engineers leave and get replaced. I feel that fact had something to do with it.

Some of the newer people seemed to have an issue with a woman being as smart or smarter than them.

This caused a few conflicts though minor.

I have never been a confrontational person. Ever. It is just not my nature. I have, however, learned to stand my ground in the face of much stronger personalities than mine. I have worked with a lot of arrogant or outspoken men over the years who cannot possibly be wrong. I have had them shout in my face or throw me under the bus. I simply learned to let my work speak for myself.

I am also not afraid to ask a person how they intend to make something happen. I hear it all the time with people wanting to install or implement some fantastic solution. At my old place of employment I would say "that is a great idea, but with no budget how to you plan to facilitate that implementation?" or "I would like to see that too, but there is no X resource available for that" or "Based on our current configuration that is not possible."

Or my absolute favorite:

"If we do that we will effect twenty-five hundred people."

Which usually gets management to raise their eyebrows.

I got the feeling that these other engineers did not like hearing the possibility of it happening might be no.

I understood this since I often come up with ideas and get told no. Usually because of budget sometimes because of the configuration of the environment. The difference with me is I would start smaller and keep moving little parts into place to eventually get it there.

I like new and shiny technology as much as the next person. I have just learned through management that sometimes I have to be practical and patient.

Still I think a woman NOT backing down from her position frustrated them. I also noticed it was the younger generation which I feel was more along the lines of they did not like ANYONE telling them no.

Whatever the cause was, it made my life difficult and I needed a change. I just felt it was time. This prompted me to put my resume up and see that I could find.

I generated a lot of interest early. Spoke to a number of companies and waited for the right thing to come along.

Even turning down two positions because I did not like to people interviewing me. Seriously is surprises me that people do not realize I am doing that. I have no issue asking questions in return and seeing the response I get.

I have worked for a number of managers either directly or as a consultant. I have learned that if you do not have a grasp of your environment and seem wishy-washy I am either not going to want to work for you OR I am not going to like working for you while I am there for whatever project I am there for.

I guess it comes from doing or seeing so many different companies and how they are run while I worked in the field as a consultant. When I started entertaining the idea of working for one company I want to get a feeling management knows what is going on. What they want and how to get it.

It makes my life more enjoyable.

Trust me I felt bad I was passing up these opportunities but I really wanted to find something I felt I would be happy with.

I was also looking rather hard at moving out of state basically I was not concerned with where anymore.

Eventually I got a call from a recruiter who mentioned a position in my home state that was in an area I always wanted to move too. It was one area that would make me consider staying in my home state.

At first I was skeptical when I was told who the company was. Though when I heard about the environment and how aggressive they were with technology I was very interested.

After three lengthy phone interviews I was given an in person interview.

Having gotten early interviews out of the way {link} I felt really good going into this one.

Coming out of it I felt even better. Although I was in there for a grand total of two and a half hours...

O_O

...it was one of the best interviews I have ever had. The management team that interviewed me were simply amazing and it was very obvious that they had a an amazingly solid grasp of their environment. They also knew the shortcomings and were working on plans to resolve those. They just needed talent to do it.

I walked out of there wanting the job badly. I wanted to work for these people. I wanted to live in the area that this company was located in.

And I did not have to wait long. I was in for my interview on Monday, I got a call Thursday night that the offer was forthcoming. That I needed to have a drug screen(which I am fine with), to allow it to happen.

The truly crazy part is that Friday I was off to Paris, France with the boyfriend and which left me scrambling a little.

It made the trip even better and I was able to come back to work post vacation and turn in my two week notice.

That is the second time I have done that.

Seriously I do not plan it that way.

How is it so far?

Well in just a couple of weeks I can tell you that I love the place. I am enjoying what I am working on. The people are great and I am excited to go to work in the morning again.

There have been some interesting observations recently, but those are for another post.

It might never know exactly why things fell apart at my old job. It could have been my being trans, the history, the new blood's lack of respect for women, or something I am not even thinking of.

I do not know but it is not the first time I left a job because the climate changed so much. In years past it was not me either it was new managers who completely changed the culture.

We shall see what happens here with this one, but I am far more relaxed and comfortable here.

So far...so good.

Closer to Fine

I am still coming off a cold so I have been a little slow on things.

For example I missed posting something about the fact that I am now two years full time. Holy Father Time where did the last year go?

Crazy, busy, confusing, challenging and exciting. My life has simply exploded in front of me. I had no idea that life could be his enjoyable or fun. That it was possible for me to experience it as I have. Unfiltered with raw exuberance.

There is so much to tell but I will leave it for posts you are about to read. I had started and completed most of these right before the holidays. However my return from Florida after Thanksgiving was overloaded with holiday things to get done that I was never able to proof them and get them ready for prime time.

As I mentioned my recent cold bought finally gave me some down time to get caught up. Which means most of those posts are now scheduled to go over the next couple of weeks.

That should get you significantly caught up on things.

In the mean time I had a chance to think about the last year while talking to a close friend about transition.

As much as there is a relief from going full time. There is still a lot of immediate fallout, headaches, story retelling, out of the loop people who you were unable to get to, and a period of adjustment. You cannot speed it up you just have to let it runs it's course. Over time a lot of these things fade away.

Well if you have been doing your homework and making an effort to build a good life it should hopefully work out that way. It has for me.

While there had been some residual drama, hey I am Trans it is going to happen for a while, it has largely been reduced. My dad for example has finally opened up and started talking to me again. It probably did not hurt that many of my relatives who had met me told him to get over himself. Plus they invite me all the time to things now so it is not like he can avoid me.

My mother has also told me about a number of people who have not yet had the opportunity to meet but want to. I know there is curiosity factor in there but I think some of these people also knew I struggled at times when I was younger. It probably does not hurt that they have been hearing good things from both my mom and others.

My brother is a different matter but as I really do not talk to him anymore it has not been an issue.

Regardless getting the chance to spend a year just being, doing, and enjoying as been profound. The difference between year one and year two has been immense. With all that residual post transition drama to a dull roar I was allowed to just focus on life. Not forcing anything but letting it come to me.

Enough were I forget that I am Trans for the most part. This was made very clear the other night. I was at the pharmacy picking up a new prescription. One of my meds needed to be switched out. Now it is an anti-androgen. Women would not be taking this. However I knew why I was so it did not phase me one bit.

Yet while standing there the pharmacist looks at me. Looks at the script and asks "Is this what you are looking for?

Glancing at the label, "Yes"

"Are you sure?"

"Oh yes."

"Can I ask why you are taking it?

Blink, blink. It occurs to me in that moment that why I would be taking this might not seem like a good idea to him. I was not understanding his hesitation to it. Duh.

"Oh, I am Transgender. I am using it as a Testosterone blocker."

"What? Really? Okay..." His eyes had popped out of his head.

That is right once again I totally shocked someone that I was, in fact, Trans.

You would think that this never gets old.

You would be wrong.

It does actually get old. While I am not afraid or ashamed of stating it, I just feel at times it is not a big deal. It also can get tedious because once I do have to out myself I often have to answer a bunch of follow up questions. Part of me feels I have moved past this, but I understand it still had to be dealt with at times.

I guess for me I just do not feel it is that big a deal anymore. So I get a little annoyed when someone else feels the need to get overly excited or act like it is some kind of earth shattering event.

It is not, I am simply another human being. Yes I took a different path to become who I am today but I am just a person none the less.

Everything is just normal. As you will see in coming posts about the new job and living arrangements among others.

Life not only is good, but has gotten better.

 

Merry Christmas

And Yet Another First

What is it this time you ask?

Could be a lot of things.

How about my first interview post full time!

Yep it happened.

Now I do apologize, this happened much earlier in the year.

March in fact.

As I started to prep this post I discovered that my old company had somehow made the connection that this blog was written by me.

Which did not bother me too much. I certainly became more careful about making sure I did all my site editing from home.

I just was not sure how much they were going to be reviewing it.

Which made me stop with several posts I had been planning and it really impacted my blogging. As a lot of my topics were work related and knowing the above I did not want to risk anything.

I also certainly did not want them to know I was looking for a different job.

Which brings me to now.

As I already announced I already found that job.

Which means the moratorium on job related posts can be lifted.

{Don't worry I will be extra careful about posting from the new place. Not that I have had any issues there yet.}

Now let us get back to the original story.

When I decided to actively start looking for something new or different I did not know what was out there or what I would find.

Really all I did was update my resume and try to see what would happen.

Honestly I was shocked in the first 48 hours I received six calls or emails.

Now some of those were fluff and I was not interested in the job at all but at least I was getting a response.

I also directly applied to a few companies is regions that were really interesting to me.

Interestingly enough not many responded back. I wonder at times if it was simply the fact that there was a girls name at the top of the resume.

I doubt I will ever know but it is an interesting thought. I do work in IT and it is largely a male dominated industry.

Still I was getting enough activity that it was not concerning me too much.

Fairly early on I was mostly exchanging emails and a few phone calls. It was when an IT staffing company called me and wanted to bring me in for a face to face interview, that I took pause.

For two reasons.

First, I had not yet interviewed with any one face to face. This could be daunting and was intimidating. How would I do. Would they accept me for who I am. Would I get read. Would my nerves get the better of me.

Two, I was not too impressed with what they had to offer. There was not really anything catching my eye.

Regardless after a little thought I said what the heck. Why not go. At least I will find out a lot about how I come across. Plus even if it was awful because of nerves. I would at least have gotten that first one out of the way. With the hopes that when a job that I really wanted came along I would not have to suffer those nerves as much.

The first reason did not matter too much since I could always turn down something I would not be interested in.

With that I schedule a meeting with their recruiting supervisor for a time after work one day shortly thereafter. Which would put the meeting around late March.

I told her I was coming from work but I still dressed in a nice sheath dress and jacket. Nothing I had not worn to my old job before but not a pure business suit either. She had no problem with it at all.

I will not kid you. I was nervous and scared.

Especially when I hit that lobby.

I was shaking.

My thoughts totally on the fact that I was going to come across awfully and fake.

Yes, I have my issues at times with being trans.

Still.

It is just the nature of it all.

Pair that with the fact that this was something really important. Even if I did not actually need a job right now the time might come where I was forced to look for one.

This was a big deal.

A really BIG deal.

All of that just really made me freak out.

Regardless I did my best to relax and waited.

The recruiting supervisor came back finally, introductions were made and she led me back to a conference room.

There she started to give me some background about the company and what type of positions they typically fill.

From there she started to ask me questions about my work history and myself.

Once I got started my nerves rapidly started to fade. Everything I had to talk about was about me. My skills and a bit of who I am.

Nothing was false. It was all me. Just with a pronoun change. That was easy to do since I no longer even think of myself as anyone but who I am today.

The conversation got easy and the whole thing went great. We even had a discussion at the end about dealing with life now as divorced women.

Seriously!

After about forty minutes of talking about my work history, what type of opportunities I was looking for, we just fell into general chit-chat about life.

By the time I said my good-byes and was walking out the door, I felt a million times better. I could do this. It was all the same stuff I have talked about before. It was all me with the fact that I was just being me.

It also did not hurt that she complimented my on my attire.

Total added bonus.

It was not just that either. Near the end of the meeting she complimented me on my skill set. How articulate I was. My experience. She finished with:

"And you dress really well too."

"Really?"

"Oh yes. You look great and I love the dress, but you would not believe how some people show up. It gets bad."

"Well thank you."

Even though nothing came of the meeting and the connection with that particular company(I got the feeling they were looking more for software developers). The experience I got from getting that first interview out of the way was worth it's weight in gold.

I used that boost to my self esteem to go on to interview at other places while I got offers from some and not from others. I eventually found the position I am now at.

But those stories are for another post.

It Was Bound to Happen

I knew there would be moments of awkwardness during my transition.

I was also aware that if could happen after.

My hope was that it would not actually occur too much after full time.

For the most part it has not.

I did, however, have something happen recently.

This past Labor Day weekend(it is a U.S. holiday for those overseas readers) I once again made an appearance at the Cabin.

Yes, that cabin.{link}

The usual suspects were there. Rogue, Pixie, Jester, Scholar, Professor, and Ginger to name a few.

There were even a few who were there during my winter visit, and even a few new people.

Overall the weekend was a blast. I surprised them with my cooking skills as I made them a fairly large batch of my famous baby back ribs. Most of this group had never had them before and the complements were off the charts.

I think my favorite comment was "These ribs are like crack!"

There was great conversations, lots of laughs, good food as I was not the only one who cooked that weekend(I discovered candied bacon FTW!!). Plenty of movie watching and table top gaming.

I even brought with me a new one I had recently purchased.

I big part of the reason I like to go is there is absolutely no agenda for these weekends(or weeks). Come, have fun, but do what you want too. Sleep. Eat. Watch a movie or TV shows. Game. Read or anything in between.

About the only schedule is breakfast in the morning dinner in the evening. Anything else and you are on your own.

It is very relaxing.

Yet the title of this post indicates there might have been an issue.

And you would be right there was.

It was brief but something did happen that I did not expect.

When I arrived Friday night, as I had driven up right after work, Scholar was giving me the run down on where I might sleep for the weekend.

We were walking around and he listed off the large shared bedroom upstairs, the studio apartment above the garage, the bunk room in the old cabin, the full bedroom in the old cabin, and the roost.

The roost?

I had no idea what this was.

It turned out to be a small bedroom above the outside bath house. This was a late addition to the property and the bathhouse is now largely a storage room. Yet the apartment is well insulated, powered, and other than having to duck to get into it, very roomy. Most people can stand upright and not have an issue.

As we walked down from that he wrapped up the list of options with the following:

"If none of that works for you I have a king bed in the basement I am very willing to share."

*blink, blink*

"Scholar did you just hit on me?"

"Yes."

"Seriously, why?"

"Well for one you are hot! I also have the extra room and I am single."

I looked at him for a second as I put my thoughts together about this.

"Scholar...I cannot. I am sorry but with someone I have known for so long I just cannot do it. Are you okay with this?"

"Yeah fine, I was just taking the chance you might say something different."

"I am sorry but no."

Thankfully this did not impact the weekend I had at all. It just made for one awkward moment. It also as not affected my friendship with Scholar at all.

It is just something I cannot do. As I explained to Pixie at a later time. One firm rule I have regarding all of this is that I cannot comfortably date or pursue anyone I was really close friends with before hand.

Pixie understood what I was getting at and confirmed that it was also just Scholar being scholar. He cannot help himself at times. Especially when he is single.

The biggest reason is not them either. I would just find it way too awkward myself. Trust me there is more than one that I would consider otherwise if I was just meeting them for the first time and they are not married, it would be a different story.

When I say too awkward I mean it too. It would be way too awkward for me.

Still I guess it was bound to happen at some point. One of my older friends was going to make a pass at me.

Nothing came of it, he has not tried again and I am still friends with Scholar today.

At least in this case it was mostly harmless.

Happy Halloween!!!

The Big News!

The news that you have all been waiting for is this.

I have gotten a new job!

After a few months of looking I found a job at a company that surprised me with their level of IT investment. Yet they are hugely successful in the online ordering space. With quite the complex and dynamic infrastructure.

Not only is the company and the people awesome(I have been here a week now and I love it), it is in an area that I have always wanted to live in. It will be keeping my in Michigan for the foreseeable future.

Yet I am moving away from the Detroit Area.

Well still within a reasonable driving distance, but far enough away that it is possible not to have to visit it at all if I did not want to.

The picture at the end of this post is a clue as to what area I will now be living and working.

Now I am sure you are wondering.

Why did I leave my old company?

Well it is for a number of reasons that I will cover over a few posts.

It will take a few as they were the reason I had to withhold a few posts I wanted to write for all of you.

Seems they someone how put together my few visits to my blog with it being mine. Oh well. I did most of my writing at home with only my editing during lunch. I also saved everything as files and put the final post on the site with a schedule time for it to appear. Often because I had enough material to write more than one thus I often finished them close together.

Well at least I did in the past.

Shush!

I know I have been lax lately in posting. Life has been busy as I have just noted. Job searching is not easy these days.

Bottom line, I felt as if I lost my voice within the team(not completely but in the eyes of a few and that is all that mattered).

I also felt there was a climate change within the department that just was conducive for me to look for something elsewhere with the hopes it would be better.

Along with I really felt I had hit a roadblock with the any opportunity to further my career.

There is a lot to cover regarding all of this and I am busy preparing to move into my new digs.

So I will go over all of this in a few posts. From dealing with recruiters and to my first ever interview as me.

It also was not the first offer I got. I actually turned down two before I took this one.

As always who I work for will remain nameless. Just as the old company will remain so.

Even if they did not feel that way.

It is an exciting time here for me.

News Flash

By the time you read this I will be in Paris, France.

Life has been busy and great and I have some extremely exciting news that I will share with everyone,.

I will also now have the ability to write some post I have been sitting on as I will not have to worry about any repercussion regrading them.

I cannot wait to share everything it is HUGE news!!

The Memorial

This post is a bit late.

There is a number of reasons for that.

I have been an extremely busy girl since early July. In fact I was gone every single weekend in August.

It was so bad I could not even clean my room for a month.

I know because I did so finally for the first time this last weekend.

Before you all get judgmental. It was not a pigsty, but I definitely had some clutter that had built up and some of my traveling items that needed to be stored.

Which is why there has been a bit of a lag in my posting. It was not for lack of things to write. Nay, it is because I was so busy each week preparing for the next trip out of town.

Of which I have a few I am going to tell you about. First though I need to get caught up on this.

Mid Spring I had to attend the funeral of my Mom's sister. My Aunt.

Now this never came as a shocker, she had been suffering various health issues for a few years. Still last August she was diagnosed with a laundry list of things including two forms of Cancer.

We all thought the same thing, it was not a matter of if. It was simply a matter of when.

Even my mom held no delusions about this. Her relationship with her sister was strained at best but my mom helped and did what she could, but often during out monthly dinners I could see the thoughts in her eyes and hear it in her words.

My Aunt was on borrowed time.

After she passed we planned a memorial, not an traditional funeral since she was cremated, and we put her with the rest of the family.

Most of the close and extended family came out. Along with a number of family and friends. We then attended a luncheon after.

What I came to realize during all this was that a lot of these people were meeting me for the first time.

Several people wanted to know who I was since they did not recognize me and this was obviously a family event with very close friends. Most of them had all met before. Prior to transition.

It went fine, I caught up with a number of people and had several great conversations.

After it was over I simply put it in the back of my head and really did not even think about it until about late June, mid July?

My Mom and I had both been busy and with everything going on we missed some time for getting together.

When we finally had a chance to sit down and catch up, my mom brought up the topic of the Memorial.

While I was thinking the worse(why else would she be bringing it up), she surprised me with the opposite.

She mentioned to me that since the Memorial she had caught up with a number of people who had attended.

They caught her off guard by bringing up the topic of me.

Across the board they all said the same thing.

"Oh my goodness, she is amazing! She is beautiful, funny, and personable! We like her a lot."

Even the few of those who where not initially enthusiastic about the news of my function, were surprised and changed their tune about it.

My mom was beaming as she told me this. She knows how hard it was for me to do everything that I did. How many people could not accept it and the friends or family that I had lost over it.

She even told me about catching up with her Priest(Catholic) and his continued gushing about me. I had completely forgotten it had happened at the Memorial but my mom had introduced me to him while there.

He took one look at me and said the following to my parents "Wow! You have a very beautiful daughter!"

He looked at me "Your parents must be so proud. How many kids do you have?"

I laughed "I am sorry I do not have any at this point."

"Oh but you are young, you have plenty of time. Are you married?"

Again I laughed "No, I am not right now." (If only he knew I was a 38 year old Trans Woman who cannot have kids).

"Really? I cannot imagine a beautiful girl like yourself being single for long."

He turned to my parents "You did a really good job with this one."

I spoke up from the side with a twinkle and a smirk "I try not to tell them that otherwise it goes right to their heads. Then they are impossible to deal with."

He laughed at it and my parents just smiled. It was nice to see my Dad actually laughing a bit.

He caught up with my mom at church later to see if I had met anyone yet and if I had not to invite me to one of the singles events at the church. My mom just chuckled about the whole thing.

{I should point out that he is not your typical droll Catholic Priest. He is engaging, funny, a bit evangelistic in his delivery and really likes to connect to his audience. I can see why my parents like him so much. If I was not an Atheist I would want a priest like him at my church.

After my mom related it all She looked at me and said this:

"I am so proud of you. You have become yourself and not only do I see it so is the rest of the world. I was not expecting all those people to comment like they did, but they did. They are seeing what I am seeing. An amazing woman worth knowing."

I wanted to cry. As much as all the positive comments and praise are wonderful to hear. What meant more to me was seeing my mom happy and proud of me. All I ever wanted was to by myself and to have others on board and telling my parents how much they think of me means more than anything anyone can say directly to me.

It is things like this that remind me at times that all this was worth it.

This One Time At Camp

I have experienced so many things over the course of the last five and a half years.

From thoughts, to emotions, physical changes, highs and lows.

So much so that, while surprised at times, I just did not think I could feel anything that would overwhelm me anymore.

At least not like things did when I was figuring all this out and struggling with all of it.

I have largely been furiously happy, enjoying life and even the down moments are no where near as bad.

As they say transition can be like a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs.

Yet just like a rollercoaster I thought all the big stuff was mostly done with(GRS being the only large thing left) just the smaller bumps and twists as I settle into life.

I could not have been more wrong.

Since I learned first hand there will still be moments that will be extremely profound.

Several of these happened during the first week of July.

Through a few channels, I discovered last year, the existence of a camp for transgender youth. The idea of it intrigued me greatly. I reached out to the camp organizers last year and was notified they would contact me the following spring once they had their schedule set.

I had actually forgotten about it until I got an email in mid to late April. They needed more counselors and wanted to know if I would be interested in interviewing.

I jumped at the chance and said yes!

And wow did I ever have to interview.

I had several email exchanges, one phone interview and one skype webcam one. I had to provide three references, professional included, along with a health form filled out by my general practitioner.

After all that, I got the green light to go!! Which surprised me a little since I had never been to a sleep over camp personally(only day camps). Never been a counselor at one either. All I really had was two winters as an assistant girls basket ball coach(eight and nine year olds). Other than that it was babysitting my nephews when they were smaller.

All I could hope to do was learn and bring as much energy and passion as I could. Then just hope for the best.

Thus I had to scramble around and find a decent airfare to travel to parts unknown.

Well not entirely unknown, but the location of the camp is never published for obvious reasons. I was just given an airport in California to fly into.

(I am not worried about revealing the California locale since it is such a big state. I could have been anywhere.)

I was able to find something reasonable and proceeded to get all the rest of my info and packing done.

Not to mention I had a crazy two weeks prior to leaving at work since we had a host of servers to exchange out on a lease refresh and they had to be shipped out by the 28th of June.

Still I was able to get ready to go and off to the West Coast I went.

The counselors had to arrive a day early to met and learn about how the camp would operate. Things we were and were not allowed to discuss with the kids.

We did this through early Sunday afternoon when we got a break before the kids arrived later that day.

There are so many moments that I witnessed over the course of the week. Yet seeing these kids come in with their parents, particularly my cabin, was truly something.

I was assigned to ten, eight and nine year old trans girls. I will call them girls because honestly they were. Every single one of them.

It was really amazing to see them just being themselves. More on this later.

What really touched me deeply was watching the support of the parents who were bringing them in. There might have been some trepidation and uncertainty but I truly got a sense that most of these parents were really trying to understand it and be supportive.

Others were just totally on board and just wanted to be the best parent possible.

Case in point was the little girl who was one of the last to come into my cabin(before anyone panics there were three counselors staying in my cabin. This includes myself, we were also fortunate to be sharing our cabin with one of the two nurse volunteers on staff that week) with a low fever.

Now if the fever persisted it was not going to be possible for her to stay. Still her mom had medicated her before they left and I was asked by one of our A-Team counselors(hey it is what they called themselves) to take her to the infirmary and keep an eye on her until dinner. Which included a few more temperature checks.

It was during this that I got to spend a lot of time with her and talk her Mother, Father and little brother. (He was a total cutie and a complete character.)

Her mom just talked with me for quite a bit and kept checking in on her before and after her parent meeting. She was just so focused on making sure she was ok. As she really wanted her daughter to stay and not have to go home.

It was just so cool to see her treating her daughter as a normal child.

However since I did not know how we were going to pass the time just yet. I grabbed a deck of cards and headed to the infirmary with my charge in tow.

First checkup her temp was normal. Without knowing what to do and not being able to let her run around. I asked her and she suggested we head down to the Art & Crafts area.

It was there she taught me to make vinyl lanyards. (I totally need to brush up my friendship bracelet skills for next year. My cousins taught me when I was thirteen. I think the last time I made one was around fifteen).

On the way down however we ran into her Dad who wanted to check in on her.

While talking he noticed the logo on my deck of playing cards.

They had the University of Michigan logo on them. Plus they were bright blue and yellow.

"Really? Michigan cards?" As he wrinkled his nose a bit at them.

"Well yeah, I live there. Let me guess you are an Ohio State fan?"

"No actually Notre Dame(not a fan of them either but at least it was not Ohio St). You live in Michigan now?"

"Yes. I have lived there my whole life."

"And you came all the way out here for this camp?"

"Yes I did."

"Why this camp?"

"Well I think it is a great idea and a worthy cause. Also it is a bit close to my heart being Trans myself."

I got a stunned second expression from him. I could tell that in that moment he had not placed me as trans. Simply one of the female counselors in his daughters cabin.

Nothing changed between us at that point. We still chatted about our college teams and discussed her daughter. I think this was a case with a number of parents, who seemed a little shocked when I told them something similar. Mostly because they would ask me if I was from the local area or state. To which I would reply no, I am from Detroit or Michigan.

{Really if my readers have not been able to figure that out where I live by know, I don't know what to tell you. For reals, I have posted pictures from two Red Wings games. Mentioned that it was the home team and the arena and city were printed on the ice in one of them. Sherlock Holmes would have a few choice words with you about your powers of observation.}

They would be surprised that I had come so far for the camp. I would tell them something like the story above. That the camp is a great idea, I feel these kids deserve a chance, and that because I was trans myself I thought it was really important to me.

I would get a quick second glance. It was again obvious to me that they had no idea until that moment that I was trans.

Nothing ever changed between us, but I think some parents were often wondering what kind of life their kid would have. Meeting someone like me who had her act together. Really just hit home that it was possible for their child to have a normal life. If they so desired. I think that because of a number of counselors are trans a lot of parent could walk away and think, just maybe that this is not so bad.

It adds a level of difficulty but it is not nor should it be as terrible as it is sometimes made out to be.

Now my patient and I bonded during that time. I know I am not supposed to have favorites and I did have so many amazing girls in my cabin. I laughed and cringed with them all. Other then one child who caused a stir doing something that they had never encountered before at camp. Without revealing details or the whole story I will just say she decided she did not want to be there and took matters into her own hands. I know what happened because it was on my watch.

Another had just way to much energy and no filter on her mouth. She would blurt out anything and everything. We constantly had to rein her in.

There was the Red Ant invasion Monday night that caused a lot of sleepless night for us the rest of the week.

Even with those crazy events I had a blast. I greatly enjoyed my time there. My Patient and I did a lot together all week as I was her activity director a number of times for her. We even did our swim test together. (you just have to prove you know how to swim to get an arm band and be allowed in the deep end). I laughed because she thought adults just knew how to swim. I told her not all do, we have to be taught also, but that I had known how to swim since I was little. Yet I still needed to do the test.

Which brings up an interesting side story. I had never been in a bathing suit or swimming since about 2008 maybe 2009 but I cannot recall. I had been having an awful time finding something I liked and felt comfortable in. As much as people tell me I have a bikini body(I do not), I am not remotely comfortable in one. I did manage to find a one piece that worked and I felt ok in.

This was something I was not sure I even going to be able to do. It came up Monday afternoon when I had to track down a counselor who I was helping put together the talent show on Friday. I located her in the pool and she suggested I go get my bathing suit and join in. I mentioned the above story to her and she challenged me again about it. I told her that I would build up to it, as I dangled my feet in the water, and that I was soaking in all the positive vibes watching the kids and other counselors.

She told me that if I needed encouragement later in the week to let her know.

Which I did and she did.

Day of, her and another counselor came down with me during their rest period and totally supported me. While I sat there, have a last minute twinge of doubt, She looked at me and asked what I needed.

"Rebecca, I need you to tell me to get over my shit, get into the pool, do my swim test so that I can enjoy swimming the rest of the week."

With a twinkle in her eye she wonderfully replied with  "Kelli. Get over your shit, get into the pool, do your swim test so that you can have fun the rest of the week."

I laughed but appreciated the humor. As we already know I did get in and enjoy the pool a few times that week. It did not hurt that Patient X walked in right before I got in asking me how I did my swim test. Which I then prompted we do it together.

There are so many things I can tell you about that I have taken away from this experience but I will cover a few that stand out in my mind beyond what I already talked about.

First was the profound thought as I stood and watched these kids being kids. Really that was it to, I watched sixty boys and girls being boys and girls. COMPLETELY forgetting the fact that these kids are trans. It would just click in my head and I would be simply in awe of what I was witnessing. It just so seemed like normal sleep over camp. Yet all these kids were just like me.

Not to mention how supportive these kids were of each other. Yes there were a few personality clashes, some he said/she said/they said drama. Which is typical in any group of kids.

One truly touching thing was the camp pairs up older kids with first time attendees. It was heartfelt and a total tear jerker to watch all these older kids get into it and completely support the younger ones. Not only that but often I would see the older ones stopping to talk to some of my campers all week long. To see a community of kids support each other like that was freaking amazing. The rest of the world could learn a thing or two about supporting each other.

Or the fact that during the talent show one of my campers was signed up to sing a song solo, but during her performance she got stage fright. Thankfully one of the other counselors suggest to the other girls in my cabin to go up and help her(I was on the other side of the lodge helping run the show so there was not a whole lot I could do). Yet not only did five of my other girls go up the whole audience also stood up and sang with her. I think three of us were sniffling in the back it was so sweet and cool to see.

There were also the two older teen girls that I had to help escort back through the airport on the day camp was over. Several kids were placed with counselors who were also flying out that day, as the kids were flying as unaccompanied minors. We got assigned to them to make sure they did not get stuck for any reason and made it safely through to boarding.

Both girls were from the greater NY area and just really had their stuff together since they were 15 and 14 in ages.

We even had a laugh when they both had me holding their stuff animal pillows in the security line as they tried to dig out their IDs. The oldest told me when I asked why she was laughing.

"You are a grown woman standing with two big stuffed animal pillows in the TSA line!"

I laughed back and answered "I can think of worse things to be holding so I will manage with the pillows."

They both gave me a big hug and asked if they would see me at the second camp on the east coast. To which I sadly had to reply no. As I did not have the ability to do both camps. Still I told the oldest I expected to see her back as a counselor since she expressed the desire to be one some day.

The other really cool thing that I took away from the camp was the other counselors. There were thirty of us with about twenty being trans themselves. Not only that but they were trans people of extreme quality. This groups largely had their act together. Most being in their mid twenties, several in undergrad, graduate school, just finished and even one starting Medical School this fall to become a doctor.

For once I felt as if I was surrounded by my peers. There was not a person there I would not want to hang out with outside of the camp setting. In fact I got contact info for quite a few of them and have kept in touch so far through various means. I had so many interesting conversations with them. They also seemed quite surprised when discussing things that I did not seem aware of or was lacking experience.

I told them that back home a community with people of such high caliber was virtually non existent or really hard to find(my hometown area is so scattered and it does not help that our downtown is in such poor shape that there is nothing to pull us in together). So much so that my life was very hetro-normal and that was the world I existed in. That meeting them was just as big a deal to me as meeting the kids.

Truly it was an amazing experience. Even with the red ant invasion, crazy adolescent drama, the one or two problematic kids, it is something I would do again without hesitation. I have already expressed my desire to return numerous times and I think I will be extended an invite in the future. Schedule allowing I would always love to do one of these each year.

Even so it is an experience I will always cherish and never forget.

Is it time for camp yet?

The One I Will Not Tell My Kids

Recently there was another event with the Irish drinking band that one of my older groups of friends follows around. This would include Rogue, Professor and Scholar.

This is the same band and venue were I had to explain to Rogue who I was.

This one was special since it marked the two year wedding anniversary of Rogue and his wife Pixie(she is anything but, though tiny it was the dress that she wore this night that I am using to create her nickname).

The hilarious part of this is the band that we were there to see played at their wedding too.

Even though they do not play weddings.

Ever.

Rogue side stepped them and rented out the entire restaurant for the event, helps know the owner, on a night the band was going to be there.

There was nothing they could do but play their wedding.

In fairness they only asked the band to play their normal set and had a friend who was a part time wedding DJ handle some in between music and some of the wedding things that had to be announced and what not.

Most everyone there wanted to see this band anyway and since the band does not start until nine it allowed for the wedding stuff to largely be taken care off beforehand and left the party goers to fully enjoy the band. Which was all they really wanted.

But that was two years ago and I was sadly not there.

Thus being invited to see them again, this was now my third trip and flying solo that weekend, of course I went.

How did it turn out?

Well I like to sum it up like this.

Pixie, myself and several other ladies ended up doing five shots together before the night was out. I got groped twice at the bar, by the same drunk guy. Got stared at by five women all at the same time all thinking the same thing. "What are you crazy?!" Got hit on by Pixie's widowed Father(who is old enough to by my dad). Left with the lead singers number from the band and did not sleep in my own bed that night.

LOL! Just another quiet night in the life of your hostess.

Also I would like to point out right now that there was NOT a walk of shame the next morning.

Get your minds out of the gutter!!!

Makes you think though doesn't it?  :D

Now I will give you the rest of the story.

Now the five shots should be self explanatory. Granted I don't usually drink much anymore, mostly due to risk of migraines, I still can handle my liquor fairly wll and we were pacing ourselves fairly decently. Plus the bartender was making up what she thought was a kamikaze but we did not care. Whatever they were was mighty tasty.

Pixie had come up to me and asked me if I wanted to do a shot with her. As it was her anniversary and one shot was not really going to bug me. I thought why not.

Famous last words.

While at the bar two rather drunk men decided to try and flirt with us. Needless to say we were not very impressed. After they challenged us to do a more "manly" shot. Our retort was we would do whatever shot they wanted, as long as they were buying.

That ended that conversation rather quickly. Though there were a few sparse comments that we choose to ignore.

We got started and were joined by Mother Hen(I am using that as a misnomer since she was the one largely responsible for the shot count going up) for another shot.

Also joining us was the Keyboardist in the band. He was actually getting a drink but since we had one end of the bar and he new more than a few people in the group he joined us briefly.

As our second shot came we did a little toast and had our drink.

It was about this time that Drunk guy #1 decided to return to the picture and walked past our merry little group and chat up the Keyboardist also.

This put him rather close to me.

We were waiting for two others to join us in what would be a third shot at that time. When Drunk Guy #1 turned away from the bar and pretended to stumble into me. Placing a hand on my butt.

I caught it as it happened and sidestepped it a little but he still made contact.

I kept moving and he wandered away.

Pixie looked at me since she witnessed the whole thing and asked me if I know I just got groped. I confirmed that I did but was just going to ignore it unless it happened again.

We moved back to our chairs briefly when a couple of other girls decided to join us and back to the bar we went for another round.

It was during this conversation that Pixie mentioned to Mother Hen and Smurfette(she had a super cute blue dress so that is what I am going with) about the story of me getting groped during our first trip to the bar.

Smurfette asked "Does this happen a lot?"

I replied "Guys try stuff all the time for some reason."

Pixie interjected "Well you are really pretty Kelli, I mean they are going to be attracted to you."

"Well I know I attract attention but I really don't think I am that pretty."

Now when I said this we had the Bartender(female), the Waitress(she knows the group really well), Mother Hen, Pixie, and Smurfette. I delivered that statement and I swear to you all five of them simultaneously turned to look at me as if I was out of my freaking mind.

They were truly dumbfounded that I had just said that.

"Kelli you are easily the prettiest girl in here." Pixie stated.

"Girl you cannot believe that, you really are." said The Bartender.

Smurfette turned to me "Wow we really are the last to see it aren't we? Kelli you are very pretty!"

I am sure The Waitress and Mother Hen said something too but I could not hear they as they were more in the background. Talk about shocking as these are all women stating this to me. Usually I hear it from men or gay men. Yet these women are all my peers and they are telling me this.

It is rather profound when you think about it.

Also, for the record, Pixie is the only one who knows about my function and still thinks I am an amazing and incredible person. She has already invited me to a girls only wine tasting event she is going to host.

At this point we did our third shot and headed back to our table. Not much else occurred except that Rogue and another gentleman purchased another round of shots for our table.

I played it safe by sticking with water and Coke for the rest of the night in an effort to remain sober and I figured I still had to drive home.

The band starts wrapping up there show and there is a big toast to the crowd with the crowd participating. We stand up holding out drinks(still soda for me) and say the chant along with the band.

It is during this that I see a hand with a glass appear over my shoulder. Since I was at the end of the table away from the band I could not think of another friend this might be.

It is then I feel a hand on my waist.

I twist to glance over my shoulder and whom do I see?

Drunk Guy #1 yet again.

(>_<)

WTF!!! Really?!?!

When he see me turn he backs up.

I am furious but as this happens the toast finishes and I am distracted by the end of the toast. A quick clink of glasses and I set my glass down.

Rogue(who was standing next to me a half step forward) catches the fact that I am really irked and asks me what is wrong. I explain that it is the drunk guy from earlier. (We filled him in on the story).

Now Rogue is the protective sort and we turn together to find him.

Only he is gone.

Now there is a large partition wall that separates the bar from the dinning/show area. We proceed around it.

Nothing.

Dart outside?

Nothing.

He and his friend are gone.

Oh well. Rogue at least was a total gentleman and one was not going to let some drunk fool upset a friend of his and two, and he can back it up.

We decided not to let it bug us but it is nice to know that someone has my back.

After this we girls head back to the part as we promised The Waitress and The Bartender a shot on us for being so good to us all night.

That and The Bartender wanted to sample what she had been making us since she had totally made it up on the spot.

While we were waiting the lead singer came up to talk to the group. Remember he knows quite a few of them rather well and also has Smurfette up on stage to join them for a song.

Once we have had our drink he walks over to me and introduces himself.

O_O

"Hi, my name is Bard I play with the band." (Obviously I am using the nickname of Bard as he is a musician with a great voice.)

"lol! I know I did watch the show."

"I have seen you here before recently, how long have you known this group?"

"Well some of them are new, but people like Rogue and Scholar I have known for a long time."

"Really? How come I have not seen you here before?"

"Oh they have been trying to get me to come for years, but previously I was in a relationship where I was not allow to do much when my ex decided he did not want to attend."

"Well I am glad you came. Actually I noticed you at a prior show and I did not see you at a show in between. I was worried we had scared you off?"

"Oh no! You guys are wonderful but there is simply no way I can make all the shows."

"Great I remember that show and thought "wow we must have been terrible that night" It was not one of our better shows that night."

"LOL!! Good show or bad show I would rather come see you guys than, say, go to work. You are a talented and fun group and you obviously enjoy yourselves doing it."

"Oh well thank you very much!"

"You are welcome!! Do mind if I ask you a questions?"

"Not at all go right ahead."

"At the end when you were giving your closing acknowledgments you mentioned a few former students here, what do you teach?" (He also gave a shout out to Rogue & Pixie for their anniversary.)

"Oh I teach Spanish and French at a local high school."

"Really I am going to Paris in September."

That statement sparked a ten minute conversation that prompted him to offer to share some of his travel info and even some study guides to improve my French. So he gave me his contact info with a promise to get together in the coming days.

Now relax, he is sixty and married but incredibly sweet and a pleasure to talk to. Which should make it interesting. Besides how does one expect to experience life if you do not take chances and meet new people.

Never the less that is how I came to get the lead singers phone number.

With everyone saying their goodbyes for the evening. Rogue comes up to me and asks if I am ok to drive home. I answer that I am but that I am probably pushing it and if I make a mistake I probably register over the limit. Now mind you I do not even have a buzz going. I just know it is still in my system and I cannot change that.

Rogue tells me he would rather I drive home with them and he will bring me back in the morning to get my car. Since it seems he is not driving either and leaving his car there too. Pixie's sister is driving us to his house.

"Besides a number of us are going there and plan on playing Cards Against Humanity."

"Oh I am so in!!"

With that we headed to Rogue and Pixie's house, played Cards Against Humanity until 3:30 am. It was at that point we all felt we had too much frivolity and laughter for the night.  Some  people went home and the rest of us found sleeping locations there at the house.

Now I bet you are wondering what happened to the part about Pixie's Dad.

Well I wasn't really paying too much attention at the dinning room table but I was sitting next to him. Upon waking up at seven AM(damn you internal alarm clock). I lingered in the bedroom I had been assigned until I hear someone moving about upstairs.

It turned out to be Pixie's Dad who was making coffee. He offered to get me a cup of tea and we sat and chatted while we waited for others to wake up so that we could head out for breakfast and retrieve the cars.

Now a little back story. Pixie's Dad was married for forty years, he became a widower last year when his wife sadly died.

I thought he was sweet and nice, but did not really think anything of it. I felt this way because here he was the father of three daughters the eldest of which graduated from the same HS as I did. One year prior to myself.

Think about that. He is old enough to be my father.

O_O

Just not gonna happen. I also did not realize until later that the reason he stayed that night rather than going home with the other daughter was because I was there. He also came to breakfast because I was there. It dawned on me that morning that the man was hitting on me rather than just being flirtatious.

I just did not make that connection because I just thought he was out enjoying spending time with his two daughters. I also did not talk to him much during the show the night before.

What made me realize it, was in direct comment about talking with me again over our morning cups of caffeine and again after breakfast. As I did join Pixie, Rogue  and their brood for noms.

Pixie, slyly apologized to me later in front of him, mentioning that her dad was just looking for company and was not interested in dating yet.

I half wonder if she figured it out around the same time I did.

Oh well, he is nice but I am simply not interested.

I bid my adieu and promised to get in touch with everyone after they returned from Ireland and I from Southern California next month.

That concludes the story of how I ended up not sleeping at home and was hit on by someone who would be old enough to be my father.

Crazy, crazy, crazy!!!

I can hold my head high and say I did not intentional go out and try to have a night like this. I simply wanted to have a good time with friends and the whole story happened really organically.

When my best friend Laura contacted me the following morning I gave her the same summary I gave you at the beginning part of this post. Needless to say it generated a big of shock and some hilarious laugher later. As I was not even at home yet when I responded to her.

It still is pretty surreal that my life his going as well as it is. I would have never foreseen having stories like this. Glad that I can laugh at them later.

Most importantly I am living life to the fullest and I do not think I can express in words how amazing I think that is.

Life has really taken off in the last seven or so months.

No one pinch me I might wake up.

Margaritaville: Legacy of the Lost Scrolls

As you know D(Racer's wife) and I made a date for dinner and drinks.

The text exchange was rather funny as she mentioned a good Mexican restaurant that had great margaritas and good food.

I responded back jokingly that she had me at margarita.

 We picked a time and a date for getting together.

So how was it?

Well I got there after work at 5:30.

After many a laugh, some pretty good food, numerous stories and four margaritas we finally decided we should be responsible adults and make our way home at eleven at night.

It was a school night after all.

It was just so much fun getting to know someone you already knew all over again.

From the moment I walked in it was we started chatting.

We talked about our respective days. Got caught up on some larger life stories that we both had mentioned to each other but did not have the time to go into details.

Book, movies, art, music were all discussed.

We poked fun at silly people and some of the less than stellar human beings we have worked for.

We even got into the topic of me a little(it was the first time she was able to ask me some more in depth questions).

"Let me just say Kelli you have completely blown me away with who you are. I am also stunned how good you look. I cannot believe you are the same person."

"lol, that big a difference huh? Let me guess you were expecting something else?"

"I would not say that I was just unsure of how it would work. I mean when I was finally able to get home and talk to Racer about you I asked "how does she look?" He just told me you looked incredible and amazing. Which is why I had to go to dinner with you shortly after. I was so bummed about not being able to meet with that night, but my mom needed help."

"And what do you think?"

"Holy cow girl!! You have simple amazed me. Not only with how you look but who you are. I had so much fun meeting you at dinner. Poker night was a blast and I just had to hang out with you again. Even your personality is different. I mean there are some of the same things there but you are more open and relaxed these days compared to that engineer I met so long ago. I am really glad for you and glad that you are finally happy."

"Thanks D it is not an easy road to get here and a lot of people think they know what the issue is or how it works. Really they do not."

"I don't doubt it one but you are doing it well. In fact you really caught the attention of everyone at poker. Particularly Tilt's."

"Really?"

"Oh my god yes! Quite a few people wanted to know how we knew you. Who you were, etc. But we went to dinner with Tilt about a week later and he was all about you, asking all that and if you were going to come back. He also thought you were a really good poker player. He could not stop taking about you."

"Oh dear it sounds like he has crushing on me a bit."

"lol I would agree. Now are you coming back?"

"Oh definitely, I enjoyed it. As my schedule allows I indeed to be there."

Which I have been since this night.

She even mentioned a conversation with her hairdresser when the topic of a trans person popped up in the salon when she was there during a session.

I am not recalling what caused another patron to mention it but D's hairdresser made a comment to her that a trans person can always be spotted.

D disagreed with her. When questioned about it. D replied "I know it is not true because I have a friend who does not look like anything other than a woman." Her hairstylist then started rattling off the common tells in a trans person. To which D shot down every single one of them regarding me. Finally stating:

"Look she is small, only and inch taller than I am. Does not have any distinguishing features nothing. She dresses respectable and well. Even when she is being super casual. There just isn't anything there. She has a wonderful voice. Heck it is better than mine. Her manners everything just fits. So no you cannot always tell."

She told me her hairdresser was a bit taken back but D went on to staunchly defend me. It just goes to show how un-informed people really are.

D stated that from the moment she met me that this just made total and perfect sense for me.

The rest of our talk was just pure fun and idle chatting. All together it was a great time and we enjoyed each others company so much we have done it since then and are even planning another now that she is back from a vacation.

After the string of friends and even family that had an issue with me. It is astounding me the number of people who knew and now have no issue with the new me.

It seems with every step I take forward these days the more life seems to finally be falling into place.

And I really like that place.

Where's Waldo

Once again I am going to tease the general audience.

 How?

With a picture.

That's how.

Recently I posted how I attended a hockey game for my favorite NHL team.

This is the hometown team I grew up rooting for.

Well they are in the playoffs yet again.

Really it has been twenty-two years straight.

I know another big clue as to where I live but really, I had the name of the major city I live near and the arena printed on the ice in the last picture.

Google would have solved that riddle in a second.

Anyways we had such good seat this last time I managed to find an interesting picture.

Why is this one so interesting?

Other than a great action shot, it is the fact that yours truly is sitting in the stands in plan sight.

We even made the national broadcast.

How cool is that?

It was a lot of fun, a great game, but still I marvel at how normal life has become.

I truly am fortunate to being living my life as me.

P.S. I know once again teasing the audience. What can I say I value my privacy. There are people in the know who will be able to find me. As they have either met me or gotten to see more picture of me via email.

P.P.S. Also do not worry, I am working on the follow up post to my last story. I has a system upgrade and outage recently took up way too much time to resolve. I had to play catch up on other things first and get some much needed rest.