Thursday, October 20, 2011

It Isn't Always Rainbows and Lollipops

Even though I have had been lucky enough to generally have good reactions to telling people about me, it hasn't all been wonderful.

I still haven't heard from my friend J since the night I told her.

My bother, while still talking to me, obviously doesn't want to deal with the issue.

But the worst thing I have come to realize is that I may never see my father in person again.

How do I know this?

My mom called me last night to tell me her Aunt and godmother passed way. She was my Grandmother's sister.

I haven't seen much of the side of the family in the last ten years but I do remember them and I used to see them rather frequently.

So when my mom gave me the news I asked her to tell me when to arrangements would be made and where I needed to be without thinking.

It appears that wasn't the best idea.

I could hear the distress in her voice as she told me that I probably should not come to the viewing.

There was obvious pain in her words regarding it. It had nothing to do with me and my situation. She actually said she would have asked her cousin(this was her mother who passed) if I could come to the viewing, as she already knows about me.

It was the simple fact that my Father would be the problem. My mom told me flat out that if I needed to come around and work on their computer my dad would make himself scarce.

She also let me know that the idea of having me over one weekend after thanksgiving, since they are going to visit my brother and I am visiting friends, isn't going to happen either.

It was her hope that she could have gotten my father to sit down with me and try to at least see me. She simply wants him to acknowledge me as a person. As a daughter or child was another matter but if she could start there that would be a positive step.

I even told her I would do it. Even it if got painful or ugly I would at least make the effort.

My dad doesn't want to.

I could hear the pain in my mom's voice as she said this too me. She knows I am still going to talk to her. That even though I have changed I am still her child and still mostly the person she remembers. Just with a few changes.

I know she trying her best but I also know she is feeling like her family is being torn apart.

I don't blame my mom for telling me I should not come. She didn't want my dad and I to make a scene at a funeral, though that would be on him. I wasn't going to start anything and would probably try to walk away if it did. I completely agree with mom since that isn't the time or place for anything.  So I will stay home and send my condolences from afar.

The sobering thought when I hung up with my mom was that this type of event might be the only time I get to see my dad again and not in the manner I would want to.

This means that even though I have had some wonderful friends, been able to take the steps I have to finally be happy and myself, it doesn't come with out it's share of pain, heartache and loss.

As the title of this post states...

...It isn't always rainbows and lollipops.


Stace said...

It's such a shame that you are going through that with your father... I'm lucky in that the only person who has gone very quite since finding out is one of my aunts. One that I was very close to, but still an aunt in a different country.

Hopefully she will come around, it does make you sad thinking that you have lost someone that close to you.

Have you spoken to L since you told her? I am planning on dropping my aunt a line to break the radio silence that has ensured since she found out - I don't know how she will respond, and will probably only do it the once - but I feel I have to try.


Kelli Bennett said...

Stace, it is J and no I have emailed her twice and heard nothing back. Plus I stop receiving emails with photos of her daughter and nieces. She just won't talk to me.

I can't make someone if they don't want to but at least I tried.