Friday, May 20, 2011

Not a Pretty Girl

I hear them all the time.

Nearly every time I go out.

It happened this last weekend when I was out Friday night with B.

We ran into some people he knows and they questioned him about me.

Why?

And I quote: "Well what is a pretty girl like her doing here?"

(I should explain that now that B is single and I am not actively interested in any type of dating right now I quite often accompany him to one of his favorite spots. I actually like it, it is small, quaint, extremely friendly and very laid back. There are even a fair number of women there, though I will assume they are lesbians. You almost don't realize it is a gay bar.)

They were thoroughly confused about it.

B even looked at me at one point and asked me if I thought I was pretty.

My answer was no.

He proceeded to go around the table asking the others what they thought.

Obviously they all contradicted my answer.

I basically all told them I won't ever think I am a pretty girl.

Thought I have had every reason to become an arrogant bitch about it too.

For example, I have, at some point, heard the following.

"Wow you are so pretty!"

"She is f#@king gorgeous!"

"You are intimidatingly beautiful."

"You are very hot!"

"You look amazing."

"I am so jealous of you."

"You are the most beautiful woman here."

Really I could go on and on. I hear these to from all walks of life. Cis men and women, gay men and women, trans, you name it. Obviously people are allowed to have their opinion and it is nice to hear the complements. I just don't by into the hype myself. Yet it isn't a false modesty that I feel this way.

I just don't, nor will ever feel, that I am.

I don't know if it is my humble northern Midwest upbringing or simply a lack of ego. It probably as a lot to do with the fact that I am trans and I have long hated the reflection in the mirror. That even now, today after all the changes, I will always have to deal with the memory of trying to convince myself of who I should be and what I should look like.

Or not look like.

Now don't get me wrong, the compliments are nice to hear. Having someone anyone tell you that you are pretty or cute or whatever is a great feeling and certainly is good for the confidence. Plus knowing someone finds you attractive is a great feeling.

At the end of the day, you can say whatever you want to me. I will smile and say thank you. Genuinely too.

However I won't ever believe you or feel that way about myself. I won't ever flaunt it in someones face.

I am not a pretty girl.

I am just me.

Simply a girl who took the long way around to finding herself.

4 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Kelli,

Most girls never think they are or were pretty. It is part of the image issues "all" girls have. Ours is different. We have to fight our way to being a girl and that usually means self doubt, lots of drama, lots of pain, and low self esteem.

It took me a long time to admit to myself I was even passable decent looking. Others said otherwise so go with the flow and if they think you are pretty the odds are really high you are.

Liz

Abby said...

I have a housemate who, by most peoples standards, is quite attractive and she's pretty aware of it. I don't have any problems with her, but I don't find her to be a very enjoyable person to be around. You know the Carly Simon song "you're so vain?"
However I'm far from perfect myself.

I hope you're well

Gina Lee said...

Hi Kelli! There is nothing wrong with being pretty. There is nothing wrong with being modest. You seem to be both. Enjoy it. Others will love you or hate you for it. That's their problem. In the big picture, it is a passing problem, and it isn't the real you anyway.
Your friend!
Gina

Kelli Bennett said...

Just so you all know I do realize I have some advantages in the looks department. The comments I hear above always get a smile and a thank you. Or at least a wave if I am to far away.

The point was you can tell me this over and over again and I am just not going to grow an ego or become vain about it.

I might not think it but it is kind of nice to know some others seem to thing so.