Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Courage Under Fire

The Professor and I have still been car-pooling to work from time to time since I told him about everything.

The first couple of trips we really didn't talk about anything specific or at least trans related.

Not that I am not willing to talk about it, but I find after I tell people they need some time to process what I just told them.

Good or bad they just need to gather their thoughts.

If they are than willing to discuss it so am I. I just don't ever want to overload someone about it or have it be the 'only' thing we talk about.

Truly I only talk about it because I have to, I would so rather talk about other things.

So during the third trip(it was my turn to drive) on the way home for the day, he finally brought it up.

He asked a lot of really good questions. Discussed things that are on his mind. Always polite and sometimes sarcastic about it but all good natured and it was obvious he was trying to learn more.

It even really touched me that when he told me that he was already trying to get used to the new pronoun's in his head. Trying to think of me more as She, Her, and Kelli.

I told him how much that means to me.

During this conversation he said something that was really interesting.

He told me that he really thought I was one of the bravest people he has met by doing what I am doing.

I smirked at him and told him I wasn't brave. I was just determined to finally stop living a lie. To end the torment and mental anguish I had felt over the years. That I had simply worn out and didn't want to live the way I have been anymore. It wasn't me and it took a lot of time and overcoming a lot of fears to get to this point.

I followed that with: "To me people like you are the brave ones. Those who are willing to open their hearts and minds up to me. To try and still accept me as your friend even as I change and parts of the person you knew melt away and someone similar yet different takes their place. All the while overlooking what society might think because you still care about our friendship. To me that is brave, not what I am doing."

I could see him out of the corner of my eye look at me for a moment.

"Wow that is the most profound thing I think I have ever heard. That really says a lot about how much you have thought about this and how aware of who you are now. Also I am flattered that you think it is everyone around you who has to be brave and not you."

We continued to talk about certain things but I think at the end of the trip we reached a new understanding of each other.

It is really how I feel. I spent years trying to suppress who I was and live a life that I could be happy with. I failed miserable because the longer it went on the worse I felt. I am simply doing what I have to at this point to put and end to this and allow myself to be myself. Having friends who can still be my friend even with everything that is happening or will happen to me means a lot. I might not be that different from the person they knew but I know I won't be exactly the same either.

Only time will tell how it all turns out.

Thus far the friendship remains and seems like it will.

All good things which I really could use right about now.