Delays Expected

Sometimes it just doesn't always happen they way you want.

My original plan was to try and reach full time this June.

As in tomorrow.

Well maybe not tomorrow exactly but June 2011 was my rough target.

At least it seemed possible 18 to 20 months ago when I was trying to figure out when.

I always tried to tempter my expectations that I might not get everything done to meet that deadline.

Thought I fully intended to try. At worst if I needed a couple of weeks or months to wrap things up that would be fine.

Unfortunately I have not accomplished everything I needed to. I have done quite a lot but full time just isn't going to officially happen yet.

Sadly there are some major changes and personal things I need to take care of. I couldn't plan for them since I was unsure if they would actually need to be dealt with or not. While I cannot go into detail they are significant and will delay the future for me.

How long?

I do not know. I am currently hoping to have this wrapped up before years end and I can move forward with my life.

While I cannot talk about the details I can say that it does impact my telling work. Which is why you haven't heard that story yet. It also impacts my name change, as I have to wait until this is all resolved.

There is nothing I can do about it. I simply have to be patient and continue to progress on what I can in the mean time.

All I can do is hope it doesn't drag on too long.

In the mean time I wait.

42

For those that don't know what today is. 

Sorry I have a thing for odd, zany, and ironic humor. 

1.21 Gigawatts!

Now that time has sufficiently passed I was finally able to return to the task of removing the remaining hair on my face.

Surgery dictated that had to wait two months before I could resume this process.

Now so far I have had very good results with laser hair removal and the three and a half month delay would give is a good indication on what exactly was left.

[Note: Three and a half months for the six week stoppage prior and the two months wait until I could resume.]


As I mentioned I had gotten some really good results thus far and was actually a little curious myself what was actually left.

After setting up my next appointment I went a full week without shaving per instructions.

My tech was a little upset when I walked in the door as she thought I had not listened to her.

Ah contraire, I am a good little patient and do what it is I am asked. It just really was hard to see what was on my face unless you got up close for a good look.

Thus not only have I been pleased so was she. Here I had little or nothing on my cheeks and neck with only the upper lip and chin showing anything significant.

But...

Did you sense the but in there?

The laser treatments have run their course since there had not been any change after the last couple of sessions.

Considering that the decision was made to switch to electrolysis.

Now this was my first experience with this procedure.

My thoughts?

SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL!!!!!!!!

Here I thought laser hurt, especially so the first few sessions when the hair is denser and more hair follicles are killed off during the process. Now while it always hurt the amount did diminish as hair was cleared away.

I now have the utmost sympathy for those that are forced to use just this method. My goodness is painful and slow.

Hopefully her estimation of about six weeks give or take holds up and we can clear most of it away.

We shall see.

Not a Pretty Girl

I hear them all the time.

Nearly every time I go out.

It happened this last weekend when I was out Friday night with B.

We ran into some people he knows and they questioned him about me.

Why?

And I quote: "Well what is a pretty girl like her doing here?"

(I should explain that now that B is single and I am not actively interested in any type of dating right now I quite often accompany him to one of his favorite spots. I actually like it, it is small, quaint, extremely friendly and very laid back. There are even a fair number of women there, though I will assume they are lesbians. You almost don't realize it is a gay bar.)

They were thoroughly confused about it.

B even looked at me at one point and asked me if I thought I was pretty.

My answer was no.

He proceeded to go around the table asking the others what they thought.

Obviously they all contradicted my answer.

I basically all told them I won't ever think I am a pretty girl.

Thought I have had every reason to become an arrogant bitch about it too.

For example, I have, at some point, heard the following.

"Wow you are so pretty!"

"She is f#@king gorgeous!"

"You are intimidatingly beautiful."

"You are very hot!"

"You look amazing."

"I am so jealous of you."

"You are the most beautiful woman here."

Really I could go on and on. I hear these to from all walks of life. Cis men and women, gay men and women, trans, you name it. Obviously people are allowed to have their opinion and it is nice to hear the complements. I just don't by into the hype myself. Yet it isn't a false modesty that I feel this way.

I just don't, nor will ever feel, that I am.

I don't know if it is my humble northern Midwest upbringing or simply a lack of ego. It probably as a lot to do with the fact that I am trans and I have long hated the reflection in the mirror. That even now, today after all the changes, I will always have to deal with the memory of trying to convince myself of who I should be and what I should look like.

Or not look like.

Now don't get me wrong, the compliments are nice to hear. Having someone anyone tell you that you are pretty or cute or whatever is a great feeling and certainly is good for the confidence. Plus knowing someone finds you attractive is a great feeling.

At the end of the day, you can say whatever you want to me. I will smile and say thank you. Genuinely too.

However I won't ever believe you or feel that way about myself. I won't ever flaunt it in someones face.

I am not a pretty girl.

I am just me.

Simply a girl who took the long way around to finding herself.

Courage Under Fire

The Professor and I have still been car-pooling to work from time to time since I told him about everything.

The first couple of trips we really didn't talk about anything specific or at least trans related.

Not that I am not willing to talk about it, but I find after I tell people they need some time to process what I just told them.

Good or bad they just need to gather their thoughts.

If they are than willing to discuss it so am I. I just don't ever want to overload someone about it or have it be the 'only' thing we talk about.

Truly I only talk about it because I have to, I would so rather talk about other things.

So during the third trip(it was my turn to drive) on the way home for the day, he finally brought it up.

He asked a lot of really good questions. Discussed things that are on his mind. Always polite and sometimes sarcastic about it but all good natured and it was obvious he was trying to learn more.

It even really touched me that when he told me that he was already trying to get used to the new pronoun's in his head. Trying to think of me more as She, Her, and Kelli.

I told him how much that means to me.

During this conversation he said something that was really interesting.

He told me that he really thought I was one of the bravest people he has met by doing what I am doing.

I smirked at him and told him I wasn't brave. I was just determined to finally stop living a lie. To end the torment and mental anguish I had felt over the years. That I had simply worn out and didn't want to live the way I have been anymore. It wasn't me and it took a lot of time and overcoming a lot of fears to get to this point.

I followed that with: "To me people like you are the brave ones. Those who are willing to open their hearts and minds up to me. To try and still accept me as your friend even as I change and parts of the person you knew melt away and someone similar yet different takes their place. All the while overlooking what society might think because you still care about our friendship. To me that is brave, not what I am doing."

I could see him out of the corner of my eye look at me for a moment.

"Wow that is the most profound thing I think I have ever heard. That really says a lot about how much you have thought about this and how aware of who you are now. Also I am flattered that you think it is everyone around you who has to be brave and not you."

We continued to talk about certain things but I think at the end of the trip we reached a new understanding of each other.

It is really how I feel. I spent years trying to suppress who I was and live a life that I could be happy with. I failed miserable because the longer it went on the worse I felt. I am simply doing what I have to at this point to put and end to this and allow myself to be myself. Having friends who can still be my friend even with everything that is happening or will happen to me means a lot. I might not be that different from the person they knew but I know I won't be exactly the same either.

Only time will tell how it all turns out.

Thus far the friendship remains and seems like it will.

All good things which I really could use right about now.

Happy Mothers Day!

I can't thank my mom enough today. Sadly she is out of town but I have already seen her this week.

I know all this is stressing her out but she has been amazing. In dealing with my dad and brother. To being there for me for my surgery, and...well...just being my mom when I need her. 

She isn't perfect but she is mine. 

Happy Mothers Day Mom!

Feeding My Addiction

If you have been following along and I do hope you have been, otherwise why am I writing this?

I tease. I write for my own reasons but it is nice to know some people are reading it.

But I digress.

If you have indeed been following along my little misadventures you will know I have an obsession with music.

Really I don't watch a lot of TV, I read books and listen to music.

Just thought I would share a few really new things that have been getting some serious play lately.

The XX - XX

I find the arrangements haunting and different. Shelter just makes me want to melt. Love.

Liquid Stranger - Mechanoid Meltdown

Cause I heard the song Bully and had to go find the rest of the album. So different, so dirty, so punchy, so grimy and so cool.

Florence + The Machine - Lungs

Because I simply love Florence's vocals. She isn't afraid to sing about what she wants too and has the voice to pull it off. Pair that with some wonderful song writing and I am in heaven.

The Ravonettes - Chain Gang of Love

Love the retro sound, fun modern themes, just a darn good listen. (Side note the other albums I have sampled so far are just as good.)

DJ Icey - Essential Elements

I forget how I found him recently, but I discovered his satellite radio broadcasts Automatic Static. I download the podcasts as I can find them and catch the show when I can. His set at Ultra Music Festival 2011 is so deliciously good. I since have discovered his personal CD's and this is now in my collection and one of my favorites to groove to at work.

Metric - Fantasies

Somewhere, sometime, something streamed the song Gold Gun Girls into my ears recently. Instantly I was hooked and sought out the rest of the disk to see if there were more songs to like. Better still was a fantastic album from top to bottom and it has been getting lot of play lately.

Beastie Boys - Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

Since I first heard them in 1987 I have been hooked. I love their brand of creative quirkyness. Their no holds bar approach to creating music that they want to and not caring if everyone likes it. I couldn't wait for this one when I heard it was coming and it was so worth the wait. I love that they sound new and old at the same time here.

I cannot add them to the list as they don't have full albums(or I haven't found them) to listen too. Along with what I mentioned above I have also been listening to Avicii (I recommend Swede Dreams and Penguin). Skrillex, crazy, crazy dubsteb mixes. He does a wicked remix of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance and his own Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites  is wonderfully different.  Syndey Blu's - Give It Up For Me, Pink Flamingo's - Contact High, and the Ting Tings - Two Hands(Low Sunday Indie Mix)(This one is a pre-release as the album isn't out yet). I also recommend DJ Liquid Todd. His Boombox Radio set lists have introduced to me some interesting music and I love his diverse mix.

As you can see the my tastes are wide and varied. I'll listen to anything once. The question is do I like enough to listen again.

I just never know, but I love suggestions!

The Story You've Been Waiting For

I believe I mentioned a few posts ago about having taken the plunge and undergone some facial surgery.

Plunge is a very apropos word here.

I briefly covered how rough and overwhelming the whole process was. Not that I was completely unprepared for it, or something awful happened.

It just was, as they say, major surgery. Even though I was back on my feet quickly and getting around just fine, starting the day after. It really took nearly two months to feel normal, or feel like I had some energy.

It truly was like battling quicksand. The more I struggled to get out the more I sank back in.

My body, and more so my mind, needed time to recover.

I can say that in recent weeks I am feeling my old self again. My energy levels are way up, I am exercising again and I just feel good.

So let this be a warning to anyone who undergoes something like this. It will impact you, harder then you think. Take me, I am a notoriously quick healer but there is more than just the surface that needs to heal. Just take your time and let your body and mind guide you.

Now with that important public safety message out of the way, and with my spirits up, how do I feel about what was done.

Well for the most part really good.

Honestly.

We successfully flattened out my adams apple, and while you cannot get rid of it, it is hard to see. They only way I know it is there is when I feel it. Mine just had a sharp point to it that made it obvious so I am extremely happy it is gone.

What else?

My hairline has been moved forward quite nicely, he even was able to go back into my hairline at my temples and pull that up to reduce the size of my recessed corners. He was the only one to mention he could do that and it worked better than I imagined. Now I don't have a perfect hairline as I knew this was a two part process. The second being some transplant work to fill everything in. I will say I see a lot of potential in my hairline now, where I didn't before and I am excited to see it once that second step is able to take place. One has to let the scalp heal for several months to ensure an adequate blood supply to the hair to support the transplants. Plus with how it turned out it isn't going to take a much hair to accomplish this.

The only side effect is the distinct lack of feeling in the top front half of my head. I have read about this but it is really a strange sensation. You don't even notice it until you would need to notice it. For example I as getting into my car recently and was trying to lean over to reach something on the other seat and could not fathom why my head wouldn't move. Only to discover my head was pressed against the overhead console and would not allow it. I didn't know because I couldn't feel it. This should return to normal sometime between six months and a year. I am not too worried as I said it causes no discomfort at all.

Moving along.

My forehead.

This one amazes me for two reasons. It was the first thing I noticed when the bandages were removed and the one people notice the least. I kid you not. Paired with a gentle lift of my brows it looks great. I just think it so subtle that if you haven't seen me in a while it doesn't look different or they can't put their finger on what it is they are noticing. I love this change the most and can't wait to pair it with the second part of the hairline work. The work here was excellent and most important to me looks great and everything is still working. I am a very facial expressive person and I never wanted to not be able to use my facial features.

Next was the chin.

This was simply a small reduction in squareness and shape. Now I can't comment on this one fully just yet. He did tell me it would take the longest to be visible. I can say with some degree of certainty this is true. My chin is a little puffy and sore still. I know I mentioned the eating issue in the past. However I am eating normally again today with just a mild reminder that things are a little stiff and numb still in there. With the lingering swelling it is hard to say what the final look is but I will say that so far I really like it so far. I think he fit it to my face very well but only time will tell for sure.

I have heard it can take up to a year to see you jawline but i imagine that is in the case of those that get a lot of heavy work done. Mine was all up front and mostly under the chin. I'll let you know for sure.

Which brings me to my nose.

This is the one part of the whole event I have been mildly disappointed with. Now there is nothing wrong, or broken with my nose. Quite the opposite in fact. I have never been able to breathe through it better in my entire life. I didn't realize how bad it actually was until I could actually breathe through it.

He did a great job straightening out the sides along the bridge. The first time I put my sunglasses on I had to immediately adjust the nose pads as they slid almost right down my nose.

No, the issue is the overall shape. I feel that the angle of the bridge was left much too strong. Which when you see the forehead work is bit of a disappointment. A gentle sloping of it would have probably made all the difference in the world.

The tip is the other issue and while I may have failed to realize or communicate how or allow him to alter my bridge (mostly because I didn't know it would need to be changed more until after the fact). We did have a long discussion on lifting the tip and reducing its size and as of right now I don't feel any of that happened.

I don't know why it came out this way. I do have an appointment setup(long distance) to discuss the matter. I am just bummed out a bit because if I wasn't transitioning I think 'he' would have been happy with the results. However that isn't what I wanted.

This played into my mood recently. Though there were many things this has kind of poke the hardest. Which only caused me to question everything else and doubt things even more.

I don't know what I will do yet, but I imagine I will look into a revision in the future. Not something I really wanted to do but there is nothing I can do about it now.

Again, everything else has turned out really well. I don't have any complaints about the work done overall or the quality. Everything is healing well and even my nose looks fine. There is nothing broken, healing weirdly, or just flat out messed up.

It really is all coming along well and other than missing the mark in one area everything is fine.

As for who did the work, if you really want to know please email me. I don't want to start any issues in the comment section. What went wrong is also my fault. Either not understanding what he was explaining to me or not explaining what I expected clearly enough. I love all the rest of the work done and I would recommend him to others considering work. The care was excellent and the support of the office staff wonderful. Is any surgeon perfect? No. Then also consider that any surgery is risky no matter who is doing the work. Being disappointed about the shape is a lot better than having a botched or strange looking nose.

I happy with the results so far and how everything is healing and looking. I have stated previously I cannot wait to tie it all in with filling in the leftover rough spots in my hairline. Sadly I will probably revisit one area and change it a little more, but I could leave it and still have a straighter nose that works sooo much better than it did before.

And that is the rest of the story.