Ghosts of Transitions Past

As I have mentioned I've been trying to blog but haven't been able to adequately put my thoughts into words.

Or at least words that I felt reflected what I have been thinking or feeling.

Not that I haven't been trying.

But as you know I don't have an infinite number of monkeys and typewriters.

I have however been reading a lot of other blogs. More so then usual.

One thing that has settled in my mind is regret.

Do I have regret?

Of course. Someone once said "Someone who has gone through life with no regret has not lived."

There is some truth to that.

Now I know I have regret. Regret I that I didn't take the opportunity to speak up when I was younger and had the chance.

Regret that it took me so long to figure all this out.

Regret that I have made some of the decisions that I have that now impact my ability to move forward.

Or at least slow me down.

There is a lot I could say about this. I could lament and whine about this for the next several sentences or even posts.

However I won't.

I cannot do that to myself. All I would be doing is beating myself up over the things I have or have not done.

There is nothing good that can come from that. I have enough issues to deal with as I get closer to going full time. Than to sit here and kick myself for not acting upon this sooner.

Sometimes we take a longer road on our journeys in life, where others seem to manage to traverse a shorter path.

One reason I don't let the regret get to me so much is I feel that there might be a reason why it took me this long to get to this point. Maybe I needed this much time to actually feel ready with what I am about to undertake and how I am going to change my life.

Maybe I had to try and live the other way just to know it wasn't truly ever me.

Now am I truly ready? I don't know but I am as ready as I will ever be. Of that fact I am confident.

I am comfortable with that.

Look at the fact that I am 35 years old. I am certainly not the oldest person to transition and also not the youngest. I just am at this point where it is my time for this to happen.

The past is the past it is unchangeable, all I can do is look forward to a future where I am living as me on my own terms. It is the knowledge that I am moving towards that point that allows me to sleep at night.

It also comforts me at time when I feel I am not moving forward fast enough. At least I know that I am moving forward. Even if it feels slowly at times.

There is the conscious thought that I will have additional regret as I move forward. Not so much in regards to transition itself. I am pretty damn sure I won't ever regret transitioning. I have this inkling that I might have some regret regarding others around me. The potential loss of friends and family. And what effect my disclosure of my function will have on them.

I come to realize that I am going to swing a large wrecking ball through life as I know it. Things are going to change not only with me, but around me.

Not to mention being fully aware that I might not tell people in the best manner or with enough thought as to whom I am telling it to. I might not always handle as well as I should. This could be especially true early on as I figure out how to tell it.

And while I may regret the loss of some I also know I will gain others. Which will help temper the pain of those loses.

No one said it was going to be easy or regret free. All I can do is move forward as myself and deal with things as the come.