Monday, March 1, 2010

Ghosts of Transitions Past

As I have mentioned I've been trying to blog but haven't been able to adequately put my thoughts into words.

Or at least words that I felt reflected what I have been thinking or feeling.

Not that I haven't been trying.

But as you know I don't have an infinite number of monkeys and typewriters.

I have however been reading a lot of other blogs. More so then usual.

One thing that has settled in my mind is regret.

Do I have regret?

Of course. Someone once said "Someone who has gone through life with no regret has not lived."

There is some truth to that.

Now I know I have regret. Regret I that I didn't take the opportunity to speak up when I was younger and had the chance.

Regret that it took me so long to figure all this out.

Regret that I have made some of the decisions that I have that now impact my ability to move forward.

Or at least slow me down.

There is a lot I could say about this. I could lament and whine about this for the next several sentences or even posts.

However I won't.

I cannot do that to myself. All I would be doing is beating myself up over the things I have or have not done.

There is nothing good that can come from that. I have enough issues to deal with as I get closer to going full time. Than to sit here and kick myself for not acting upon this sooner.

Sometimes we take a longer road on our journeys in life, where others seem to manage to traverse a shorter path.

One reason I don't let the regret get to me so much is I feel that there might be a reason why it took me this long to get to this point. Maybe I needed this much time to actually feel ready with what I am about to undertake and how I am going to change my life.

Maybe I had to try and live the other way just to know it wasn't truly ever me.

Now am I truly ready? I don't know but I am as ready as I will ever be. Of that fact I am confident.

I am comfortable with that.

Look at the fact that I am 35 years old. I am certainly not the oldest person to transition and also not the youngest. I just am at this point where it is my time for this to happen.

The past is the past it is unchangeable, all I can do is look forward to a future where I am living as me on my own terms. It is the knowledge that I am moving towards that point that allows me to sleep at night.

It also comforts me at time when I feel I am not moving forward fast enough. At least I know that I am moving forward. Even if it feels slowly at times.

There is the conscious thought that I will have additional regret as I move forward. Not so much in regards to transition itself. I am pretty damn sure I won't ever regret transitioning. I have this inkling that I might have some regret regarding others around me. The potential loss of friends and family. And what effect my disclosure of my function will have on them.

I come to realize that I am going to swing a large wrecking ball through life as I know it. Things are going to change not only with me, but around me.

Not to mention being fully aware that I might not tell people in the best manner or with enough thought as to whom I am telling it to. I might not always handle as well as I should. This could be especially true early on as I figure out how to tell it.

And while I may regret the loss of some I also know I will gain others. Which will help temper the pain of those loses.

No one said it was going to be easy or regret free. All I can do is move forward as myself and deal with things as the come.


Jessica Lyn said...

Right there with you girl!

Calie said...

Nice post, Kelli, and well said. Hardly a day goes by when I don't think about regret. If you are free to proceed, by all means do it now.

Calie xx