Center of the Universe

I am starting to wonder if B is conducting social experiments with me.

Just a thought mind you. He has, as mentioned in the past, been very supportive and good at challenging me to face my fears and work forward.

Case in point this last Saturday.

After playing phone tag all afternoon we decided to get together for the evening.

The issue was we didn't know where we were meeting yet. As I was on my way to get an early dinner and he was still at his moms. So I told him that I would eat, go home feed the dogs and start getting ready and that I would call him when I was close to being ready to going out.

Shush you, I don't take that long, in fact between a quick bite to eat, feeding the dogs, changing, I was calling him an hour and fifteen later almost ready to go.

At this point he informed me that we would be meeting at his ex's new apartment.

Ugh.

Now as you might recall I am not a fan of B's ex. Quite frankly I think he is an asshole. I know strong language from me but honestly I cannot stand him. I think he has used and taken advantage of B. It isn't often I don't like people or at least tolerate them, but this man is just what I said he is. There have been numerous occasions I have wanted to tell him off, slap him or worse. You really have to be extraordinarily irritating or such to get me that upset.

Really!

I always try to not to judge people and generally give them the benefit of doubt when meeting them. I have met some great people that way. In all shapes and sizes. Even if the person isn't what I would call interesting or engaging I usually am still polite and friendly toward them. It takes a special type of person to get on my nerves almost immediately and continue to stay that way.

They were still living together but that will end in just two weeks. Can't happen fast enough if you ask me.

However B just wanted to see how bad of an apartment it was. I also knew we weren't staying long so I was just going to grin and bear it for a short bit.

Now I quickly finished getting myself together, grabbed my things and was out the door twenty minutes later.

I feel it is important to note that B and I were intending to do a little bar hopping and that I was dressed simply but for that. Which meant a nice pair of jeans a striped top and heels.

The intriguing part is I was wearing white.

I totally have a love hate relationship with white. I love the color, I love how it looks on me, and I love to wear it. However I hate how it is inevitable that I get something on it ruining the item. No matter how careful I try to be.

Grrr.

So I don't wear it often.

Yet here I was in white jeans. So I said a little prayer as I went out the door.

Halfway there B calls me to let me know that he is there and they his ex has a few friends over. I ask him if I should be worried and he says no, I'll be fine, but if I was uncomfortable with the idea we could skip it.

I told him that I would be ok with it and I knew we were not staying long so I wasn't totally panicked.

I've had this attitude at times lately that I shrug my shoulders and say 'what the heck' as it is one way to find out what the world thinks.

{Editor's note: I should explain here that in the past I never had a problem of meeting new people but I was always very shy and quiet as I was introduced. I gave my polite greetings and then sat back and tried to gauge the conversation. However it would take a long time for me to feel any type of comfort and I was usually always considered quiet even thought I really wasn't or at least didn't want to be. 

Thus is the issue when you are not being yourself. You aren't the life of the party or command a room. Fear of saying the wrong things to new people caused me to just not say much.}

B greeted me at my car when I got there to walk me in and promptly said as I got out of the car that I needed to wear white more often. I laughed at him because I had previously told him about my issues with white.

His response: "Lol whatever you make those jeans look good."

As we walked in B informed me that there were three guys in there but they were harmless. I assumed this meant that they were his ex's gay friends.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I was not expecting what happened. I did handle it well, but from the moment I walked into the room I was the center of their universe. For once in my life I didn't have to figure out how to start the conversation with someone it just happened.

Because they were three straight men who suddenly had an attractive woman in the room.

And was I ever the center of attention. The entire time I was there I was chatted with. Even when B and I moved out onto the porch they followed a few short minutes later.

I just smiled, talked a bit about myself, was a little witty, laughed, and surprised them a bit with my intelligence. The nifty part is the conversation just rolled off my tongue and I felt natural and relaxed. I didn't worry about what I was saying I was simply just me.

B and I made our getaway after about forty-five or so minutes. I don't think my foot had hit the ground as I was getting out at our first destination when B was right there already laughing about it.

"OMG! They were all over you! They couldn't take their eyes off of you!"

"I know B."

He was right. Even though at times I was standing a few paces away from B, if he asked them a question they were still staring at me, while answering him!

He even told me that when he went in to use the bathroom, one of the guys had already gone in to get another drink, stopped B and started playing twenty questions with him about me.

Was I single? How did I know B? Was I looking to date? Etc.

"Kelli he thought you were the hottest thing ever. In fact he was trying to talk himself into going gay bar hopping with us because you would be there and he is straight!"

The whole scene was rather funny. They all found it odd I was going bar hoping with B. I simply explained it that I get bothered less at a gay bar and that I wasn't looking to meet anyone. I just wanted to have fun. B being single and such a good friend I didn't mind. Most of the place B takes me to are fairly tame. Besides they play good music and I always meet some interesting people.

I am just glad that I was able to be myself, my own hair, my voice, my clothes, my face, and most importantly my full personality and was so well received. I was never uncomfortable once.

I was so at ease with myself in that moment.

The whole night was great, I always have fun with B, but that little adventure starting off the night was just interesting and surreal. I thoroughly enjoyed not having to think about how to be and just was.

And the absolute best part of the whole night?

I made it through the entire night without ever getting anything on my white jeans!

Woo-hoo!!

Who Am I?

I see so much written or said about being trans.

Different labels tossed about trying to define people. Placing stickers on them saying you are this but not this. Arguments about who is and who isn't.

I hate it.

However I can't change it, no more than I can change the direction of a tidal wave.

You can try to apply a label to me if you like.

Whatever.

I won't care or accept it. It is simply the other party trying to define me in their neat little boxes.

I don't care if I lived a man for a period of my life.

You weren't there being scolded for doing things that were girlish. You weren't there when I was teased mercilessly by my peers for being different. You didn't witness my older brother beating up someone who was different. You weren't subject to the hate and discrimination of others for being themselves by the people who are supposed to be my family or friends.

You didn't sit through therapy sessions with different therapist and said nothing.

Not. One. Word.

I was that afraid of who I was would cause me to be hurt simply because I was.

Thus I retreated.

And I didn't always know what it was myself.

Answers were also difficult to come by.

I remember trying to find anything I could regarding who I was and how I felt.

However I found nothing.

I felt like I was chasing a ghost. Only that ghost was me.

Deep inside I had the answers but I always felt like they were out of reach. Or worst yet I kept them out of reach.

Usually because when I tried to explore them they backfired badly.

I struggled with so many things in my life simply because I never had a sense of self. Of truly feeling like I knew who I was.

Of really knowing me.

In a discussion I had with someone recently who is a lesbian, she told me she did some of the exact same things. That she lived how others expected her too. Based on the environment she grew up in and just like me not knowing or understanding who she was and that there were others who felt the same way she did.

It took her time to get there.

I was told even though we are similar we all get to this point, we discover ourselves differently. Some sooner then others. Through different routes and challenges, but once we finally understand and accept ourselves, we are who we are. It doesn't make us anything less.

I took a difficult route to get here and I am not even done with everything yet.

Yes I know there is terminology out there. There has to be. How do you attempt to explain it to someone else without words to describe it. More importantly how do you explain it to yourself without it. Yet that doesn't mean that all of it applicable.

So try to define me, try to apply labels to me. Try to tell me who I am. I don't care and I am not listening because I spent too many years caring about what others thought. Changing myself based on their reactions and opinions and only made myself more and more miserable by doing so.

I have cried too many tears. I have suffered too many sleepless nights. I have faced to much hatred and insults to deal with any more.

At the end of the day I love the person I am finally becoming. I look forward to a life that can finally be mine. All because I now know who I am.

Do you?

And Now For Something Completely Different

While out and about this weekend I encountered something new.

Now I am not entirely surprised by it happening but it was something that you just don't expect.

Let me explain.

This last weekend I was out and about running errand.

Now as you might know transition has been delayed for a period of time. Thus I was out pretending to be a boy.

The crazy part is no one was mistaken me for one. But you knew this, right?

Regardless, I stopped at one store to get a part that I needed. Paid and left.

No bid deal.

Well upon getting home I realized I had the wrong item. Ok, then back to the store I go.

I get there and got a different clerk. From the moment I started talking to him, he was completely ma'aming me.

During the course of our conversation we discover that the item I do need, isn't in stock, and they will have to special order it.

"Would you like to do that?"

"Sure I do need it."

"Ok, I'll need your drivers license to place the order."

Oh dear.

It is times like these I feel embarrassed, not for me necessarily but for the other person I am dealing with.

Let's just say these have been some awkward moments in the past.

I produce my license, hand it over and he looks at it, doesn't blink, and starts typing.

"This is the current address?"

"Yes."

"And this is for {Insert his name} ." (I really should find a nickname for him so it makes better sense as to who I am referring too.)

"Yes."

"Phone number?"

"XXX-XXX-XXXX."

"Ok, you are all set, we should have it in by Thursday and we will call when it is here. Let me get you receipts so you can take care of this at the register."

(The item I needed cost more then the one I got. Not much but I had to cover the difference.)

At this point he gets two bar coded receipts for the register, turns to the clerk next to him and says:

"I need you to ring this up for her. She is returning this one, but has to cover the amount for the correct item. Scan this one for the return and credit, then this one for the difference she owes. (Turning back to me.) You are all set ma'am have a nice day."

"..."

This was a first. Usually I get questioned, confused looks or a "Is this you comment?" Along with some general flustered looks once they look at my ID.

I mean they just realized the person they were talking to isn't the woman or girl they thought I was.

Yet this person didn't even flinch, look up or anything. I don't know for sure but I was a bit surprised by the non-reaction.

It is a very strange feeling when you find out that no one can place the person you were with who you are now. Even when you are deliberately trying to be that person.

I think it is almost time to say goodbye to him.

Snap, Crackle, and POP!

As I recover from surgery I have experienced any number of odd sensations.

From an almost immobile jaw to just a numb one. I still have a little left right in the front of my chin and just underneath, but it is fading fast.

There is still just a little tenderness in my nose but I don't notice it too much unless I bump it and even then it doesn't hurt too much.

Everything else is gone.

But...

...You knew there was a but there didn't you?...

...The outstanding thing has been the top of my head. Mostly this was due to the fact that I simply didn't feel much of it. So it wasn't much of a bother.

That has all changed,

Or at least starting to change.

Now I should explain that I have heard it will take anywhere from six months to a year and a half for feeling to return. Yet I was to look for or experience sensations at some point. Things like itches I can't scratch, pokes or twinges of feeling, etc.

Let me tell you this. The last few days has been nothing short of interesting. Nothing painful mind you, but I have had mildly tingling sensations, fairly constant, at or near the incision. The really fun part are the large crackles of feeling that erupt over the entire top of my head. I would say it is like pop rocks candy fizzing, popping and crackling right under the surface of your skin.

You just pause for a moment while the fireworks happen and then just move along with what you were doing.

I would compare it to a brain freeze moment, you know where you eat or drink something a little to fast and you get that rush of feeling up the back of your neck. Only this is across the top of your head. It is quick, virtually painless but interesting and freaky none the less.

Though as mentioned it is a different sensation you just need a moment to let if fade.

Craziness, yet I can't help that this has to be good sign of healing and only 14 weeks out.

All good news as I am currently trying to get the second part setup and scheduled for later this year. Feelings like this usually mean the blood flow is returning well to the area in question and this is super important for moving some hair follicles around later this year.

In the mean time there is nothing like you own personal fireworks show at any given time to keep you on your toes.

Public Service Announcement

Some of you who read my blog might also be readers of a blog by my very good friend Laura who writes The World According to Laura.

Well recently she has had to make her blog private and while she tried to send out invites to everyone. She isn't sure everyone got them.

So she has ask me to tell you, dear readers, if you still want to follow her and read about the things that are going on with her to send her an email at laurab323@hotmail.com. Just in case you didn't get an invite. Once you do that she will make sure you get added.

Let her know you still care. :D

Thank you.

That concludes this public service announcement we will be returning to our regularly schedule programming shortly.

C is for Cookie

I've run into a problem.

With my rediscovered ability to eat, I find myself eating things I probably shouldn't.

Or at least I shouldn't eat as much of them as I am.

It really is a case of OMG NOMS!!!

Followed by a lot of...

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

I get going on something and I just can't seem to stop myself. I want to keep eating because...well...I like food and having had it taken away from me for a while I feel I kind want to make up for lost time.

I would compare it to a long distance relationship. Kind of an absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Only with food.

However I have discovered recently that I have put some weight on.

*GASP*

It doesn't help that I haven't been exercising at my usual levels.

Fortunately I am not packing on the pounds. More accurately I am a little above my ideal weight.

I have been getting back into the routine again. Diligently hitting the treadmill and taking the puppies for walks when I can.

I just need to regain control of my desire to eat and realize something while I am in the throws of a feeding frenzy.

STOP!!!

Yes it really is that simple. I need to remind myself that even though it is nice to eat real things again, I didn't work so hard to loose all that extra weight for no reason.

Remember I don't subscribe to the theory that I have to weight a certain amount for my height.

If that was the case I would have tried to keep loosing weight after surgery. Yet at my lowest I felt skinny and unhealthy. Loosing more would have been a bad thing.

There is just a number that works for me and that is it. I am happy to stay there.

In the meantime please keep the baked goods to yourself.

Today's Fortune

From the cookie I had at a group lunch today.

"The best times of your life have not yet been lived."