Wednesday, April 22, 2009

So much to say, so little time

Yes, I have been slacking a bit in posting anything much lately. In my defense I have been incredible busy with everything not to mention my mind has been racing all over the place. So I wasn't really focusing on any issue in particular.

I'm not kidding, Google maps could track where my mind has been at fast enough.

However, I did have one very intense moment very recently that I wanted to get out there.

This weekend, Sunday to be exact, I was outside doing yard work. Since my life is still lived mostly as him, (Remember I only recently came to accept my Trans status. And turning that all over isn't an overnight process, at least not for me.)

But I digress, there I was going over things that needed to be taken care of. Chores that for the most part I am the only one who can do them.

General yard work, a new deck, fence repair, etc

Suddenly during all this I felt sick to my stomach. As in I had to sit down in my backyard, against my fence and very nearly lost my cookies. I sat there for 15 minutes while I calmed myself down and gathered my wits.

See what struck me was the amount of work needed to be done, how much it was going to cost, along with the time it would require. At this point the thought that I was doing this not for myself and for someone else was sudden, massive, and unforgiving.

Thus the reason why I felt like I just been gut punched.

Now this had nothing to do with my spouse. I wasn't feeling like I was doing all this work and effort for her.

I felt like I wasn't doing it for me. I was going to put all this time and effort into it and for what?

I think I was just rolling this around in my head until the thought of, 'then why are you doing it' entered my head.

It was at that moment I felt sick. As if I realized didn't know why or perhaps I realized I didn't want to do it anymore, or I was simply wasting my time?

But of anything I have felt over the last 18 months as I've come to terms with who I am. Nothing as ever brought me to my knees like this.

It was an interesting session at the therapist the next day to say the least. But I think I am coming to the conclusion that I need to make a decision. Figure out what I want to do with my life or live with the continued misery I feel now. As it seems only to be getting worse.

Which I think had a lot to do with how I felt the other day, outside, sitting on cold concrete trying to keep my breakfast in the original location I put it.

I feel I have one of four choices to make on where I go from here. So in the next few posts I'll cover what those are, how I feel about them, and which one seems the most likely.


Rebecca said...

Wow, girl! That sounds intense! Sounds like you're really starting to come to terms with all of this, which is something that is definitely not easy to do. I'm looking forward to reading your insights.