Ow.
Ow, ow, ow!
OW!
So I did something this last weekend.
I started laser hair removal on my face. This wasn't a huge deal for me in regards to having a face free of facial hair. I have some rather large bald spots on it anyway that grow nothing. Not to mention I have always hated shaving.
So I wasn't freaking out about not having it or having less.
So how was it.
I won't lie.
It hurts.
But it isn't the most painful thing I have endured and really a few hours after I was done it was a dull memory. However if you have no tolerance for pain be prepared.
Granted it left my face looking a bit raw and beat up. By that evening it felt like a fading sunburn. Tender but I wasn't in agony.
The biggest issue I will note is the fact that the laser itself doesn't hurt at all. If you placed in on bare, hair free skin, you wouldn't even feel anything.
It is the dying hair follicle that hurt. Much like it hurts plucking a hair out. But when hit a dense patch of them like on the chin, YOUCH!
I was told to give it 7 - 10 days for everything to return to normal and for the follicle to let go of the hair. Put she was pleased with what she saw So she things I should see a lot less. She has been doing this for 10 years so I hope this is a good sign.
There will be return trips to clear it all out, Many a tech I have talk to say I am an excellent candidate, so I hoping for the best.
We shall see. 
So right in the middle of everything I have been feeling the past several weeks. All the wild emotions that have been swirling like crazy around me. I found a moment of calm, the center of the storm so to speak.
I did something so simple for myself yet for the first time in a few weeks I felt wonderful. I forgot about all the mess that was in my head.
So what did I do?
I got a pedicure yesterday.
This only the second time I have gotten it done professionally. (I have done it before myself quite a few times, but lets just say that even though I have gotten better I still need a lot of practice.) They do a wonderful job and their work seems to last a lot longer then mine.
Not to mention I have this lovely deep shade of pink on them right now.
No, I am not a pink junkie, but I do love the fact that I can incorporate it into my wardrobe. I wasn't really sure what color I wanted as I glanced over the multitude of rainbow colored bottles, but for some reason that one just jumped out at me. Same as the last time, which was a really cool purple (which has always has been my absolute favorite).
It just surprises me how something that seems so small and simple can brighten my mood so much. 
Yes, I have been slacking a bit in posting anything much lately. In my defense I have been incredible busy with everything not to mention my mind has been racing all over the place. So I wasn't really focusing on any issue in particular.
I'm not kidding, Google maps could track where my mind has been at fast enough.
However, I did have one very intense moment very recently that I wanted to get out there.
This weekend, Sunday to be exact, I was outside doing yard work. Since my life is still lived mostly as him, (Remember I only recently came to accept my Trans status. And turning that all over isn't an overnight process, at least not for me.)
But I digress, there I was going over things that needed to be taken care of. Chores that for the most part I am the only one who can do them.
General yard work, a new deck, fence repair, etc
Suddenly during all this I felt sick to my stomach. As in I had to sit down in my backyard, against my fence and very nearly lost my cookies. I sat there for 15 minutes while I calmed myself down and gathered my wits.
See what struck me was the amount of work needed to be done, how much it was going to cost, along with the time it would require. At this point the thought that I was doing this not for myself and for someone else was sudden, massive, and unforgiving.
Thus the reason why I felt like I just been gut punched.
Now this had nothing to do with my spouse. I wasn't feeling like I was doing all this work and effort for her.
I felt like I wasn't doing it for me. I was going to put all this time and effort into it and for what?
I think I was just rolling this around in my head until the thought of, 'then why are you doing it' entered my head.
It was at that moment I felt sick. As if I realized didn't know why or perhaps I realized I didn't want to do it anymore, or I was simply wasting my time?
But of anything I have felt over the last 18 months as I've come to terms with who I am. Nothing as ever brought me to my knees like this.
It was an interesting session at the therapist the next day to say the least. But I think I am coming to the conclusion that I need to make a decision. Figure out what I want to do with my life or live with the continued misery I feel now. As it seems only to be getting worse.
Which I think had a lot to do with how I felt the other day, outside, sitting on cold concrete trying to keep my breakfast in the original location I put it.
I feel I have one of four choices to make on where I go from here. So in the next few posts I'll cover what those are, how I feel about them, and which one seems the most likely. 
Really I should put myself there. Almost a month since I last posted!!!
I totally fail.
Down to the Principal's office.
Granted I have been extremely busy, project after project at work, many at home, and finally I've had a number of thoughts rattling around in my head. But nothing came to the front in particular that I felt compelled to write about. I guess I was looking for a topic to come up and smack me in the face. At which point I would have an 'ah ha!' moment and spill my guts.
That just wasn't happening.
I have a few that are rising to the surface though so I will have something to say by weeks end.
Stay tuned.
