Recently a very dear friend of mine underwent GRS surgery.
{Editor's Note: GRS, GCS, SRS are all the same thing. It is the surgery to change your anatomy from male to female physically or vise versa but I think they have some other terms for the latter. Here I will use GRS. Don't argue. You will lose. ;) }
Since she is very close to me (we often refer to ourselves as adopted sisters. As in she adopted me and I her.) I took a long weekend to go out and visit her in the first two weeks she was post op.
She really didn't have a choice either. She mentioned to me that it would be sweet if I came but that I didn't have too. This being said to me months before.
I kindly replied to her, "Sis, I was asking you when it was so I knew when to be there. I wasn't asking you if I could come. You frankly don't have a choice."
She laughed but I know for a fact she was very happy to see me and I her.
It also allowed me to see some things first hand since I am mostly likely going to be using the same surgeon. Where I will be. How she responded, and getting to see the surgeon in action, before I talk to her later this year. As I have a consultation with the doctor scheduled this coming September.
Now here is the entertaining part.
I went to the office with my friend for her first appointment post surgery. While we all were together in the waiting room the surgeon passed us by a few times.
After waiting for a short while my friend was called back into the room and I went off to grab some breakfast knowing she was in good hands, her spouse was with her. I had some time to kill and I was hungry.
Well I was hungry the gooey bits in between were not something I wanted to see.
When I returned they let me back in to hear the instructions at the end and I was sitting against the wall listening intently when the surgeon remarked that an in person follow up would be recommended at three and six months.
Now this whole time the surgeon had seen me, heard me and even complimented that it was good to see supportive friends.
So I was sitting against the wall listening intently when the surgeon remarked about the aforementioned follow up and would be recommended it be at three and six months postop.
Now as I mentioned I knew I have a consult with this surgeon scheduled for the fall. Doing the math quickly in my head I realized my appointment would be almost exactly three months(give or take a day).
At this point I jokingly piped up and mentioned that my friend and I could go together in September when I was to be back in that area.
The surgeon turned slightly to me. Since she was between the two of us off to one side, and stated, "Well I might not actually be here then."
My response as she started turning back to my friend, "Well I hope you are since you are the reason I am coming."
Her head turned back to me so fast to do a double take of me was comical. Her stunned expression saying exactly what we all thought at that time, as we all noticed it. She gave me a long look and asked my why I was coming out to see her.
"Well I have a consultation with you."
"For?"
"GRS."
Her eyebrows raised and she took one last long look at me, acknowledged it and moved back to finish talking to my friend to concluded the appointment.
We all laughed about it later. There she was with no clue I was Trans up until that point. Only that I was a supportive friend there to help out and support my friend.
However it was obvious I shocked her and had completely caught her by surprise.
At the same time I think it is a huge compliment.
There I was at a world renown Trans surgeon's office, someone who is Trans herself, sitting three feet from her, talking to her and I completely flew under her radar. I simply was another girl in the room.
Flattering and humorous all at the same time.
Sometimes I am surprised just how much people don't think twice about me and simply see me for me.
It is a nice feeling at the end of the day.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Kelli 301
Another course covering a more advanced subject about me.
I know I have reviewed some of the basics over the years.
A little about me being trans and what my plans are.
I have discussed what I do for a living.
Today I felt it was time to cover something I have largely avoided.
Sex.
Or more specifically my sexuality.
Now before you think this is going to get really juicy. It probably won't.
I am not the type of girl to kiss and tell.
Though I do feel it is time to explain my feelings about who I am.
The reason I have never mentioned it much before was simple.
It plays no part in being Trans.
Really.
I am not joking.
Sexuality and gender are two entirely different things.
I say this because who you are attracted to sexually and want to develop an intimate relationship is just a part of who you are.
The reason I say this is because growing up and in my past I know who I have been attracted to physically.
Both.
Seriously.
In my adolescence, as I developed both mentally and physically. I found both genders to be attractive.
As you can imagine it caused a lot of confusion for me in my life.
There I was clashing with my physical gender. Knowing I was attracted to girls. Yet at the same time I also knew that men were catching my attention.
Based on my social upbringing, i.e. my strong opinions of my father and brother, being attracted to men was wrong. So wrong in fact that I was completely afraid of these feelings.
Thus I never explored them. I simply went with the fact that I could date women. Since that is what I was supposed to do.
What caused an issue there was that I was always confusing them. Not to mention myself. Yes I could be attracted to them, but quite often, I wasn't perceived as someone they would desire to date.
I was always different or just a friend.
This was always the case if I ever tried to pursue a girl it ended this way. Not that I tried this often. The two lasting relationships were things where they actually pursued me.
You would probably think that this whole time I also still wondered about men.
You would be partially right.
I didn't believe the idea was some shameful thrill. No, I was under the belief it was wrong but at the same time I knew how I felt.
There were things about them that I found attractive. Would catch my attention and cause a lot of wonder
Still knowing how society felt(Which included members of my family and peers) I felt it wasn't something I shouldn't ever consider.
So I didn't...for a long time.
Until at which point I did.
This would have been between the two rather long relationships I had. After the first one ended a lot of things bubbled up to the surface of my mind.
One thing that came to mind, largely due to how that relationship failed, was my sexuality. For once I was out from the heavy scrutiny of being in school. I had more freedom even though I was still living at home while in college. With thoughts returning to the forefront of my mind I got curious about my sexuality for the first time.
Which made me decided to do something about it. Well, at least, attempt to.
Bet you want to know what it is?
I briefly tried dating a guy.
Now I now you want all the juicy details. However, I will not give them too you.
Sorry I am not the kind of girl to kiss and tell.
I will tell you this. We did eventually get intimate, to a degree. It really did confirm I was indeed attracted to men. It bothered me a lot that I really was(mostly because I feared what it meant), but it was the true. The second and more important thing was I was completely repulsed to the reason he was attracted to me. Sounds crazy I know, but when I finally opened that door to discover a part of myself I learned what I wanted and it was not to be treated as a man. I might have been really attracted to him. So much so that I no longer harbored a curiosity or fascination. Yet when he tried to return the affection it completely upset me. It wasn't how I wanted to be viewed, treated or approached.
Try as I might I just did not want to be viewed as a man. Even though I was interested in him.
I ended that very quickly, thankfully he knew I was new to things and was unsure of myself. Though I did hide any of the other feelings I had about being Trans.
Now while this seemed to open my mind to a number of things. Answered some question and created new ones.
Yet the end result was similar to ones I experienced in the past whenever I pushed into idea, area and feelings I was experiencing. That I was afraid of what was occurring so I pushed it deep inside again and hide from it.
The idea that struck me the hardest was that maybe I was a gay man. Yet at the same time this seemed odd to be based on my reactions to certain things.
I wonderabout this for a long time until I was able to discuss it with others.
Case in point. I once had a discussion with B, you remember B right. Now this particular conversation was shortly after he had met me as my old self. We were discussing things and he has asked if I ever had dated men as a man. I explained the story above. Mentioned how I felt about it and at the end apologized to him if my feelings or view point on it offended him.
He scoffed at me and said:
"You are not offending me at all. Honestly having met both versions of you. Being a gay man does not fit you. It is not who you are. You are such a girl that trying to define yourself as a gay man would not work. I know, I am one and it doesn't make any sense for you. You are more a girl than some girls I know. It is simply who you are."
It is was just another profound B'ism that I really am glad I had him for. It was like he always knew just what I needed to hear at the exact time I needed to hear it.
Thus through all of it I still did learn something important. I was indeed attracted to men but I did not want to be one myself. It wasn't me.
Never really was I guess.
I know I have reviewed some of the basics over the years.
A little about me being trans and what my plans are.
I have discussed what I do for a living.
Today I felt it was time to cover something I have largely avoided.
Sex.
Or more specifically my sexuality.
Now before you think this is going to get really juicy. It probably won't.
I am not the type of girl to kiss and tell.
Though I do feel it is time to explain my feelings about who I am.
The reason I have never mentioned it much before was simple.
It plays no part in being Trans.
Really.
I am not joking.
Sexuality and gender are two entirely different things.
I say this because who you are attracted to sexually and want to develop an intimate relationship is just a part of who you are.
The reason I say this is because growing up and in my past I know who I have been attracted to physically.
Both.
Seriously.
In my adolescence, as I developed both mentally and physically. I found both genders to be attractive.
As you can imagine it caused a lot of confusion for me in my life.
There I was clashing with my physical gender. Knowing I was attracted to girls. Yet at the same time I also knew that men were catching my attention.
Based on my social upbringing, i.e. my strong opinions of my father and brother, being attracted to men was wrong. So wrong in fact that I was completely afraid of these feelings.
Thus I never explored them. I simply went with the fact that I could date women. Since that is what I was supposed to do.
What caused an issue there was that I was always confusing them. Not to mention myself. Yes I could be attracted to them, but quite often, I wasn't perceived as someone they would desire to date.
I was always different or just a friend.
This was always the case if I ever tried to pursue a girl it ended this way. Not that I tried this often. The two lasting relationships were things where they actually pursued me.
You would probably think that this whole time I also still wondered about men.
You would be partially right.
I didn't believe the idea was some shameful thrill. No, I was under the belief it was wrong but at the same time I knew how I felt.
There were things about them that I found attractive. Would catch my attention and cause a lot of wonder
Still knowing how society felt(Which included members of my family and peers) I felt it wasn't something I shouldn't ever consider.
So I didn't...for a long time.
Until at which point I did.
This would have been between the two rather long relationships I had. After the first one ended a lot of things bubbled up to the surface of my mind.
One thing that came to mind, largely due to how that relationship failed, was my sexuality. For once I was out from the heavy scrutiny of being in school. I had more freedom even though I was still living at home while in college. With thoughts returning to the forefront of my mind I got curious about my sexuality for the first time.
Which made me decided to do something about it. Well, at least, attempt to.
Bet you want to know what it is?
I briefly tried dating a guy.
Now I now you want all the juicy details. However, I will not give them too you.
Sorry I am not the kind of girl to kiss and tell.
I will tell you this. We did eventually get intimate, to a degree. It really did confirm I was indeed attracted to men. It bothered me a lot that I really was(mostly because I feared what it meant), but it was the true. The second and more important thing was I was completely repulsed to the reason he was attracted to me. Sounds crazy I know, but when I finally opened that door to discover a part of myself I learned what I wanted and it was not to be treated as a man. I might have been really attracted to him. So much so that I no longer harbored a curiosity or fascination. Yet when he tried to return the affection it completely upset me. It wasn't how I wanted to be viewed, treated or approached.
Try as I might I just did not want to be viewed as a man. Even though I was interested in him.
I ended that very quickly, thankfully he knew I was new to things and was unsure of myself. Though I did hide any of the other feelings I had about being Trans.
Now while this seemed to open my mind to a number of things. Answered some question and created new ones.
Yet the end result was similar to ones I experienced in the past whenever I pushed into idea, area and feelings I was experiencing. That I was afraid of what was occurring so I pushed it deep inside again and hide from it.
The idea that struck me the hardest was that maybe I was a gay man. Yet at the same time this seemed odd to be based on my reactions to certain things.
I wonderabout this for a long time until I was able to discuss it with others.
Case in point. I once had a discussion with B, you remember B right. Now this particular conversation was shortly after he had met me as my old self. We were discussing things and he has asked if I ever had dated men as a man. I explained the story above. Mentioned how I felt about it and at the end apologized to him if my feelings or view point on it offended him.
He scoffed at me and said:
"You are not offending me at all. Honestly having met both versions of you. Being a gay man does not fit you. It is not who you are. You are such a girl that trying to define yourself as a gay man would not work. I know, I am one and it doesn't make any sense for you. You are more a girl than some girls I know. It is simply who you are."
It is was just another profound B'ism that I really am glad I had him for. It was like he always knew just what I needed to hear at the exact time I needed to hear it.
Thus through all of it I still did learn something important. I was indeed attracted to men but I did not want to be one myself. It wasn't me.
Never really was I guess.
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