Before anyone panics, I am doing ok, but I do feel like I am being slowly overwhelmed by all the forces that are assaulting me this week and weekend.
There are issues at work. Mostly with the massive project I have at the end of this year. People in charge are waffling about something we have spent 15 months on and should no longer be an issue.
Never mind this project is preventing me from taking any time off in the last three calender months which in turn is impacting my transition time line.
I can live with this as I need to do my job and do it well. Staying employed is of the utmost concern to me. I cannot transition without it.
Yet the ineptitude being displayed is driving me crazy since if management had their act together we could possible start the project early with the chance of completing it early.
I don't have an issue sacrificing a bit of extra time and energy to get it taken care of so I can then be free to deal with other things. But if things are going to be delays because people can't make a decision when we have presented them with fifteen months of research.
Oh well.
The biggest concern I have is if things truly go bad I might consider looking for another job elsewhere. I was hoping to rather not do that until after I was done transitioning, if I even felt I needed to.
Uncertainty is the issue here as my manager is just as frustrated as I am. He and I have even talked one on one and if he goes I am not sticking around.
The rest of it is all the drama and mess at home and with family.
My oldest Nephew graduates this last weekend.
Before the event there was talk that his Father might not come into town for the ceremony. He and his wife have been divorced for almost ten years. He also lives quite a distance away.
Which is causing my parents to be upset. In fact I had to deal with my crying mother this week about the whole issue.
While I agree it isn't right(I mean he is my Nephew and I am going to be there). I told Mom it wasn't about my brother. Focus on your grandchild and be there for him. Let him know that we still care about him and that he means something to us.
We can't do anymore then that.
Still it all worked out in the end as my Brother made the drive down in time to see his eldest graduate. I am still in awe of watching that boy walk by in his cap and gown when all I could see was the one year old with a train whistle giggling with glee as he made it 'toot' as he stomped through the kitchen.
Sadly for me the entire day was awkward. As my Bother made a few comments about my hair and weight loss.
Along with the fact I had to put my best 'him' on and am I ever good at it.
Too good really.
I relied on my humor and really don't initiate the conversation. I let it come to me so I can just talk about specific things. It avoids the issue of saying something I shouldn't.
I just feel like I am lying to everyone and I am a wreck afterward. Really, as soon as I got into the car to leave the restaurant afterward I felt like I as just going to pop. I get so nauseous over what I am doing to not only myself, but everyone else, that I just felt like I was going to vomit.
This is another reason I have been rather anti-social lately.
It isn't like I don't like people.
Quite the opposite actually.
I just feel completely uncomfortable being social as 'him' since to me it is just me lying to everyone around me.
Can I just have my life as me?
What I am also worried about is will this cause issues with my parents since this Sunday I am on course to tell them about me.
Don't worry as of right now I still fully intend to.
I am just unsure if this will make their reaction worse.
I am also scared. However that is a for another post.
Now since all this is going on why not add more? Really as if that isn't enough the issues at home are pushing me to the brink.
I find myself having the same arguments over and over. This last one was a repeat of the one we had six weeks before, and two months before that, and two and a half before that, and...well you get the idea.
The result is always the same, we discuss everything, no one like what is being discussed, both parties get hurt, cry, and I end up curled in a corner somewhere, miserable and useless for the rest of the evening.
As much as I care, I can not stay much longer. I need to resolve it and move on. I cannot move forward if conditions and stipulations are always being applied to transitioning.
Because all that causes is greater depression, testing my patience, sanity, and really just making me sadder.
[Side Note: I did hear the most interesting phrase She could have ever have said to me; "You are more of a girl then I think you realize." Yeah, I am still trying to work through that one because of who said it.]
I think I am slowly coming to the revelation that how I am currently living is slowly destroying me. I truly think I need to declare my independence and move on from there. Messy or not. At least I can make the decisions I need to for me.
There is one good thing to say. I have met a new friend. Her and I don't live close but she is very much at the stage I am, in fact we are nearly on the same transition path. Though there are some differences. We also have incredible amount in common, it is almost eerily sometimes.
She is smart, sweet, honest, and sensitive. Along with really sounding like she has her life together. Even though she has the same concerns and fears that I do. We both seem to be going forward.
I don't know how it will turn out, but I am hoping it grows into a lasting friendship as I have really enjoyed talking to her immensely.
Not to put any pressure on her, but I think it was also good timing since I have a feeling she might help keep me grounded a bit.
As what few trans friends I have were either on the not transitioning side of things, while the others are long since transitioned, trying to live their lives. That made me feel as if I was dragging them back into something they might not always want to talk about. Anyone else I have met...well...they just seemed out of control.
This new one just makes me feel not so alone anymore. That there is someone out there just like me, moving through the process just like I am. Struggling to keep everything in perspective and not feel like we are crazy for what we are feeling. Along with what we are going to do.
It also doesn't hurt that she is wonderful to talk to about anything and everything.
I also hope she doesn't think I am 'crazy' for mentioned it here. Since she did find me through my blog. ;)
All things considered I guess it is time to stand up and take full control of my life. If I don't do it and soon, I have a feeling this cup of crazy is going to run over.
And that would be a bad thing.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Missing You, Missing Me
If you have been following along you will know that I have over the course of a few years lost a significant amount of weight.
I was thinking some of you might be curious as to how I did it.
Well it wasn't easy it takes a lot of dedication and resolve.
First let me paint this picture for you.
At my peak I was 190lbs (86kg for you metric types) so being only 5'8" inches tall (172cm) that put a lot of extra weight on my frame. I was never very muscular or such to really look good carrying that much extra on my frame.
This was about 2006ish, middle of the year.
Not only was I feeling fat and thinking I was going to have to increase my pants waist size yet again. I just wasn't feeling good.
I was running out of energy and just feeling blah.
It also didn't help that I spent 12 years as a consultant on the road traveling from client to client. There were weeks I could empty five different fast food bags out of my car at the end of the week.
It was at this time I realized I need to change something.
One thing I did was reduce what I was eating. No I didn't starve myself it was really stop eating everything in front of me and stop eating to the point of being overstuffed.
Everyone in my family suffers from this habit, if there is good food in front of us. We keep eating, even if we should stop. As long as there is still something to eat.
I really had to teach myself it was ok to leave something on the plate.
Next I cut out soda and as much excess sugar as I could.
Side note: I am not a coffee drinker. I cannot stand it. So my one vice is a small bottle of regular soda in the morning for that little pick me up. Though I found my local store selling these cute 12oz bottles that work perfect, just enough to get me going without drinking a 20 or 24oz of sugar I don't need.
I keep my desserts small and only a few times a week. As I mention instead of eating a full pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, I break it out of 8 - 10 sittings.
Really the big changes I made was to cut down my calorie intake to a respectable level yet not starve myself.
I eat more fruit and vegetables along with more salads. I have totally cut out fast food. I don't touch it and haven't in several years.
Doesn't mean I won't eat something like a hamburger but I am going to go to a quality place and have a really good one if I am going to splurge like that.
For example, if I go to a steak place I don't get the 22oz porterhouse. I stick with the 8oz fillet and order vegetables on the side.
I also try to snack a lot smarter then I used too.
On top of all that I try to exercise more. Even if it is just getting out and taking a long walk sometimes with the dog. As the weather get warmer I'll try to get some cycling in also.
The key was when I started doing this I had to just let it work. The body is an amazing and mysterious machine. Crashing it doesn't work as well as adjusting and letting it adapt. For the first four or five months I saw little to no return on the what I was doing. Then suddenly the weight just started peeling off over the next few months.
I simply never changed what I was doing. My body adjusted and started processing things differently. Slow and steady works extremely well in this case.
As I mentioned in a comment from another post. I still keep up what I am doing. Which allows me to indulge myself now and again and not see any changes in weight gain or anything like that. Because I don't keep indulging over and over.
It really came down to a dedicated lifestyle change and just letting nature take it's course.
Even if I wasn't Trans and preparing for a transition, I am glad I did this. I feel better, have more energy and my health has been stellar.
Still there is much less of me then there used to be. /wink
I was thinking some of you might be curious as to how I did it.
Well it wasn't easy it takes a lot of dedication and resolve.
First let me paint this picture for you.
At my peak I was 190lbs (86kg for you metric types) so being only 5'8" inches tall (172cm) that put a lot of extra weight on my frame. I was never very muscular or such to really look good carrying that much extra on my frame.
This was about 2006ish, middle of the year.
Not only was I feeling fat and thinking I was going to have to increase my pants waist size yet again. I just wasn't feeling good.
I was running out of energy and just feeling blah.
It also didn't help that I spent 12 years as a consultant on the road traveling from client to client. There were weeks I could empty five different fast food bags out of my car at the end of the week.
It was at this time I realized I need to change something.
One thing I did was reduce what I was eating. No I didn't starve myself it was really stop eating everything in front of me and stop eating to the point of being overstuffed.
Everyone in my family suffers from this habit, if there is good food in front of us. We keep eating, even if we should stop. As long as there is still something to eat.
I really had to teach myself it was ok to leave something on the plate.
Next I cut out soda and as much excess sugar as I could.
Side note: I am not a coffee drinker. I cannot stand it. So my one vice is a small bottle of regular soda in the morning for that little pick me up. Though I found my local store selling these cute 12oz bottles that work perfect, just enough to get me going without drinking a 20 or 24oz of sugar I don't need.
I keep my desserts small and only a few times a week. As I mention instead of eating a full pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, I break it out of 8 - 10 sittings.
Really the big changes I made was to cut down my calorie intake to a respectable level yet not starve myself.
I eat more fruit and vegetables along with more salads. I have totally cut out fast food. I don't touch it and haven't in several years.
Doesn't mean I won't eat something like a hamburger but I am going to go to a quality place and have a really good one if I am going to splurge like that.
For example, if I go to a steak place I don't get the 22oz porterhouse. I stick with the 8oz fillet and order vegetables on the side.
I also try to snack a lot smarter then I used too.
On top of all that I try to exercise more. Even if it is just getting out and taking a long walk sometimes with the dog. As the weather get warmer I'll try to get some cycling in also.
The key was when I started doing this I had to just let it work. The body is an amazing and mysterious machine. Crashing it doesn't work as well as adjusting and letting it adapt. For the first four or five months I saw little to no return on the what I was doing. Then suddenly the weight just started peeling off over the next few months.
I simply never changed what I was doing. My body adjusted and started processing things differently. Slow and steady works extremely well in this case.
As I mentioned in a comment from another post. I still keep up what I am doing. Which allows me to indulge myself now and again and not see any changes in weight gain or anything like that. Because I don't keep indulging over and over.
It really came down to a dedicated lifestyle change and just letting nature take it's course.
Even if I wasn't Trans and preparing for a transition, I am glad I did this. I feel better, have more energy and my health has been stellar.
Still there is much less of me then there used to be. /wink
Labels:
The Issues
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Interesting Comment
This Memorial day I stopped by an old friend's on Monday for a few hours.
He is a good friend and colleague from days past. He and I have been through some harrowing times together working sometimes over forty hours straight trying to bring a companies data systems back online after a major catastrophe.
We do talk all the time, but have not stood in each others presence in over a year.
That and since he is contracting me for some side work in a week or so I thought it would be time to catchup.
(Besides in my line of work extra cash is hard to come by. I have been a salary employee for 15 years now. When you consider the sometimes 80 or 100 hour weeks I have worked that really bites. Not to mention with everything coming up I could use the money.)
It was nice to see him. We talked about everything going on since we last saw each other (ok maybe I didn't mention everything, but he is high on the list to disclose to.)
Just life stuff in general. A little shop talk about what I would be working on for him.
All in all it was good to see him and talk.
As I mentioned I haven't seen him in person in over a year. So the first words out of his mouth as I walked up to the door?
"Wow you look like a little boy."
That is the first time I have ever heard that.
However it brings to mind that even though I have changed a bit people who still have a visual imprint of 'him' in their mind. So really even though I look different they are expecting him. All they are doing is updating that visual imprint to allow for the changes.
This is one reason I am being mildly aggressive with some facial surgery. It is partially for me, since I don't want to look into the mirror and see those reminders of 'him' which will give me a lot more confidence. The other issue is what I mentioned above. I want to alter other peoples visual perception of me. Especially those that know 'him' rather well. So that they cannot overlay the memory of 'him' as easily as they did before.
Still it was a very interesting comment to hear.
He is a good friend and colleague from days past. He and I have been through some harrowing times together working sometimes over forty hours straight trying to bring a companies data systems back online after a major catastrophe.
We do talk all the time, but have not stood in each others presence in over a year.
That and since he is contracting me for some side work in a week or so I thought it would be time to catchup.
(Besides in my line of work extra cash is hard to come by. I have been a salary employee for 15 years now. When you consider the sometimes 80 or 100 hour weeks I have worked that really bites. Not to mention with everything coming up I could use the money.)
It was nice to see him. We talked about everything going on since we last saw each other (ok maybe I didn't mention everything, but he is high on the list to disclose to.)
Just life stuff in general. A little shop talk about what I would be working on for him.
All in all it was good to see him and talk.
As I mentioned I haven't seen him in person in over a year. So the first words out of his mouth as I walked up to the door?
"Wow you look like a little boy."
That is the first time I have ever heard that.
However it brings to mind that even though I have changed a bit people who still have a visual imprint of 'him' in their mind. So really even though I look different they are expecting him. All they are doing is updating that visual imprint to allow for the changes.
This is one reason I am being mildly aggressive with some facial surgery. It is partially for me, since I don't want to look into the mirror and see those reminders of 'him' which will give me a lot more confidence. The other issue is what I mentioned above. I want to alter other peoples visual perception of me. Especially those that know 'him' rather well. So that they cannot overlay the memory of 'him' as easily as they did before.
Still it was a very interesting comment to hear.
Labels:
Friends and Family
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