In This Case the Glass is Full

I am generally a positive person.

You could say I always think the glass is half full.

Yes I know life can throw a lot of crap your way. I can think of one really big one for myself. I, however choose to feel that I am here, alive, generally well adjusted I can do anything, or at least the best that I can.

Yet for all my positivity I have been fighting depression, moodiness, and anxiety lately.

I am acutely aware that I am not living my life as me. I use the positive that things have been set into motion and that I will get there to keep me sane.

Thus I was challenged on the issue of what if I cannot transition or something goes wrong as I do?

Well I cannot think about that.

First I cannot not transition. I know without a shadow of a doubt now that I will fall apart. I don't know how. I don't know when. But the reality of knowing your problem and not doing anything about it will simply destroy me.

I don't like that thought thus I don't think about it.

While this process might take a while to get there, I can, will and must.

Failure is not an option

Second I know this journey isn't going to be easy and it will have its bumps in the road. I will do what I must to get around them or remove them from the path completely.

I have to completely believe that I can get there even with everything that could go wrong.

Which is why I say the glass is full. For as of right now it is. If it gets jostled, tipped a little or anything else which reduces the amount of water in it so be it. The goal is to end up with a half full glass.

Which means I have succeeded.

If I started out with a half full glass I might not have anything left in it when all this is done.

The thought of that doesn't sit well with me.

Thus the glass is full. I will become the person I want to be. I will be able to live my life they way I want to. I will be able to go out in the world and be nothing more then any other woman in the world.

Wish me luck!

Kelli's To Do List

Wow nothing like filling up the plate again.

Over the next four weeks I have to:

Reschedule telling my parents. Not so easy with Mothers Day coming up not to mention my oldest Nephew's graduation the first week of June. Plus with summer approaching they like to travel a bit more frequently then they do now.

See my HRT doctor again. Along with discuss adding progesterone into the mix. If not I might consider a new doctor. I don't know if it will work but I would like to try adding something to the mix. At least I already got the blood work done.

I fly to Chicago to talk with a surgeon about getting some work done to the face. Again I am trying to be careful here as I don't want to change too much or look over worked. Yet I do want to make some changes.

Finish three posts rolling around in my head.

Did I mention telling my parents?

Get to my seamstress to get a few things altered. Jackets are a tricky thing since I have wider shoulders then the average girl my height and I would like to be able to wear them more often. Plus I have two dresses I need adjusted. I am not perfect.

Decide what I am going to do about my current living situation. I know it cannot last so I best start thinking about it. The time may come sooner rather then later. Might be a good idea to talk to my CU about seeing if they still do pre-approvals and figure out what I can get along with afford without impacting other transition plans.

If the Chicago Doctor doesn't feel like it will work out I am considering a Boston based Doctor. I'll have to get going on that rather quickly.

Contact some attorneys since I feel I am going to need one. This one is not one I am looking forward too.

Attend my Nephew's Graduation, which should prove to be interesting since some parts of his family haven't seen my in almost ten years. Not to mention the fact that my own brother hasn't seen me in three and a half.

I'm not sure I mentioned that I still have to meet with my parents.

Nothing like having to have to do all this in the next month or so.

Because it just fits my mood

My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.