Teardrops on My Pillow

Two weekends ago I got a call from my Brother on Friday night.

Sadly I had been kind of avoiding him. I felt bad about it but I just felt that if I did talk to him it would turn in a direction that would be uncomfortable and awkward at best.

Yet I felt compelled to answer it this time thinking I should stop and actually talk to him for a change.

It could not have been a worse decision.

Now it didn't start of bad. He brought up his favorite topic. The local NHL team that we are both huge fans of. Discussing things about the team the some of the issues they have been dealing with. Etc.

Nothing earth shattering with that. I don't mind it either for a couple of reasons. First if it gets a person comfortable talking to me, good. Second, talking about something familiar is always a good thing.

Well it didn't last long.

Sadly we got into what is going on with me.

I don't have a problem talking about it. I informed him of where I was at and what was happening.

I could hear some sadness in his voice, I assume in regards to losing his little brother. I made mention that he is gaining a little sister in the process. Not really sure that went over very well. I am trying to get people to look on the brighter side of things.

I know I have had to otherwise I would have lost my mind a long time ago.

We kept on this line of thinking and discussing the changes coming when the worst happened.

He interrupted me and started saying how he didn't understand how I could ever look like a woman. To the point that he actually started laughing about it and attempting to compare me to a famous model.

Did I mention he laughed?

It wasn't an uncomfortable laugh either. It was a plain cold laugh of 'you are going to look so ridiculous and I cannot believe you are doing this' laugh.

It hurt.

A lot.

If fact I think I was crying for the rest of the entire call.

I did manage to hide that. I also responded.

First I told him how unfair it was that he would compare me to someone else. Let alone a super model.

Really?

In today's day and age models are all what they appear.

Cindy Crawford once famously stated she wished she looked like Cindy Crawford.

Thus holding me to an impossible standard wasn't fair at all.

I was simply trying to be me.

I did my best to explain to him that even when I am trying to be a boy. I hardly if ever get identified as a boy. Nope I almost always get viewed as a girl these days no matter how I am dressed.

I also did my best to convey the idea that when dressed up a bit. I seem to attract a fair amount of attention and advances.

People seem to think I am pretty. So why should I accept what he thinks.

I understand he is struggling with it. I didn't get angry or mad at him. I just tried to tell him that no matter what he thought it wasn't what everyone else thinks.

As if he is one to judge at all. He ignored his family, ended up getting divorced, moving to the ends of the earth, hardly sees anyone or his kids, and now complains about how lonely he is.

Like this really make him a pillar of how to live life and judge others. What exactly has he done?

Nothing.

Yet he is my brother. I would like him to remain my brother. He can be a great person when he wants to be. I have learned and experienced a lot from him. Even if it was the wrong thing to do.

I just didn't need this now.

Plus as hard as I tried I wanted to end the conversation and get off the phone. I really didn't want to talk to him anymore after we went through all that.

Sadly I spent almost another hour on the phone after that. Still getting teased and laughed at.

I finally made a plea to get some sleep as it was late, and I got him to let me go.

It hurt.

It still hurts today.

I try not to dwell on it because in the long run his opinion will not matter much.

Maybe one day it he will see it, maybe he won't.

But I am not living my life for him anymore.

I am doing it for me.

No one ever likes to be laughed at, in that manner.

Worse still as it came from family.

I know I cried myself to sleep that night.