Lost My Way

Transition, with out a shadow of a doubt, is the hardest things I have ever attempted in my modest life. 

However the past few weeks were particularly trying and honestly I didn't come out unscathed.

Six weeks ago I underwent facial surgery. The experience was quite profound. From trying to keep my nerves in check to go through with it. To the day itself and the recovery afterward. 

It was a lot. There were things that were not covered in the handbook. 

(Like you get a handbook, I am so complaining to management on this one.)

I faced moments of extreme and total panic. I endured a lot of discomfort. Not to mention the fact that things are weird as they heal. Compounded by the fact I was very unsure at times that it was all going to come out right.

Talk about playing with your emotions.

The absolute worst part?

I had to stop hormones for three weeks. 

Ouch!

Let me just say this. I am not looking forward to doing that ever again.

It seriously messed with my mind and my sense of well being. 

So through it all I ended up losing my sense of self. I think quite frankly I was overwhelmed with it all. I became disconnected with who I was. In the end didn't feel like anyone, not him, and more importantly not me. 

I was quite honestly lost. 

I didn't feel like stepping out of the house, I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I almost complete withdrew from the world. 

I felt hugely disconnected from everything. 

Made even more evident by my inability to write anything about...well...anything.

Now I was aware this was going on. I wasn't clueless about it. I didn't think it was that bad. I couldn't have been more wrong and I failed in trying to deal with it. I may have been trying to hard to get myself out of it, on my own. Which resulted in falling back onto old bad habits when life had become too much. Totally not a good thing. 

None of the above is an excuse for what I did or was doing, and still dealing with. It did however play a large part in what happened to me and failed to handle. 

Yet what I didn't realize, wasn't that I was just hurting myself in all this. 

I was hurting others. 

It took some very profound words that were incredibly hard to hear, spoken by a very dear friend, to wake me up from the stupor I was in. Allowing met to finally realize what a colossal idiot was being. 

I was pushing people away, I was being increasingly crabby and sarcastic.

I was only exasperating the problem with my actions. Not solving anything.

I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to say what she did. I am both eternally grateful that she did along with extremely guilty I put her into that position. 

It may be beyond my ability to ever properly express my thanks to her for doing it. Her words were like a cold bucket of water on my consciousness.

Talk about waking from a nightmare, worse still that you are still living it. 

Yes I am not through all this yet. I still have to deal with what is going on in my head. I will say being more aware of it helps a great deal. I can get through this I just have to be more conscious about not letting myself slide backwards such as I did. 

The plus side is that I am really starting to feel better physically and that can go a long way in helping one's mental well being. 

It isn't the answer but every little bit helps right now. The hope is that I can find myself and can regain some balance in all this as life needs to start moving forward again. 

As there is more change to come. So I will need to be better prepared for it.

In the mean time I only hope I am can be as good a friend to someone as they have been to me. 

She knows who she is.