To Make Omelets...

...one must break a few eggs.

Cause It is True

Just When You Need It

You might recall in this post I mentioned I recently got a pedicure.

Which was some much needed self indulgence and pampering.

However something very interesting happened after my appointment.

Yet before I tell you that I need to explain something about the salon I go to.

Now it is a full service salon, hair, nails, massage, waxing, makeup, you name it there isn't much they don't do.

It isn't the flashest place or the largest but the stylist and workers are a strange mix of fun, sweet and mildly dysfunctional. You can't help but smile whenever you are there they are just a crazy fun bunch.

It is also trans friendly, which is why I started going there all those years ago.

I was referred on a message board as I was looking for help in regards to presenting myself as a woman. I didn't have anyone else to go to and honestly the only other 'known' place was a rather drag-centric location. I walked in there once and ran right back out.

So many moons ago I talked with the owner there and she put me at ease from that moment on, the rest they say is history. While I don't see her for makeup anymore she did give me a great foundation of skills and does pass along new tips when they come in. She does still do my hair and has been slowly teaching me how to style it as it grows out. She has become almost a second mom to me.

The point of that story is that the environment is very supportive from everyone even some of the clients.

Which brings me back to what happened near the end of my pedicure appointment.

A female client, who had popped her head in earlier to ask my nail tech some things, had once again returned to talk to her. Before she could though she waited as my nail tech finished talking to me. As she wanted to know how long I intended to grow my hair.

I replied as long as I could as I didn't know how long that would be. Yet that I am hoping to at least reach my collar bone.

It was during this exchange that the client caught the color on my toes. Which is this wonderful metallic cobalt blue I found and brought in myself. Everyone always asks me where I got it when I decided to wear it.

Before I could answer my nail tech said the following.

"He brought it in himself."

Now two things here. First, I had a later appointment in the day, so I was doing the pseudo boy thing. Second, I was gathering my things to make my way out the door. Thus I wasn't paying attention to the clients reaction when this was said.

The client said something else and walked back into the salon proper.

My nail tech, realizing what she had said asked me how she should refer to me.

I smiled and stated simply as {his name} since I was still in between and not always there as a girl full time. I told her I don't mind for now. Once I am doing being a boy we can use my name all the time.

As awkward as it is, I hate making people switch back and forth.

This is when it got interesting.

The client was suddenly back in the door, asking me if she could get the name of the color on my toes. I happily showed her the bottle that was in my hand. When she suddenly asked me.

"Are you transitioning all the way?"

blink, blink, I was caught a little off guard.

"Ummm...yes."

"Omg! That is so cool! I think that is awesome and I apologize for intruding, but I was so confused when {my nail tech} referred to you as 'him'. Because you look like a girl and I had to run up front to ask what the story was. Also, can I just say you are going to make one pretty girl. You are now in fact much prettier then most."

I was stunned, all I could say was thank you and answer a few more of her questions. Along with get a few more compliments.

Now first of all I don't think of myself as pretty. Many of my friends all tell me differently, B chief among them. While I will concede that I probably make a cute girl. I just don't buy the whole, very pretty, gorgeous, freaking hot comments I hear.

Yet this woman, who's comment was spoken so genuinely, just blew my mind.

With everything going on in my head lately this was a huge boost at a time I could really use it. Better still it came from a source that knew nothing of me before and simply was stating something very sincerely. I know she mentioned seeing a few other clients come in and mentioning that she had never seen one like me before.

I know she asked a few more questions, I know I answered them, but really I was so overwhelmed by what she said that it really didn't sink in.

All I know is I walked out shortly their after with a small spring to my step.

You couldn't have had more perfect timing.

The Little Things

It's the little things that can really make a difference.

Getting a haircut and style.

Hanging out with one of your favorite people for an evening. (You know it was B, like you had to ask.)

Getting a little shopping in for a few small things.

Watching my favorite hockey team win their first playoff game(Not to mention the next two).

Getting a pedicure. Who can resist cute colored toes?

Eating a hamburger for the first time in months. (We have this tiny hole in the wall bar that has simply one of the best burgers you will ever have. These things just ooze quality and yumminess.)

Making some blazingly good enchiladas that just didn't quit. Wheew!

Pairing those with some rather strong frozen margaritas!

Catching up with some people I haven't seen in months.

Life slowly returning to normal.

It is interesting to me how just these little mundane things can add up and do wonders for your Psyche.

Still it is nice to get these little boosts along the way.

Life is starting to look up.

Culinary Therapy

It surprises me where one can find a sense of comfort.

Be it an activity, indulgence, or whatever.

I don't think I realized until now just how much I enjoy cooking.

Ok, maybe NOT everyday, but I do indeed enjoy it.

The only problem was recently I was not able to spend any real time in the kitchen.

The reason for this was the recovery from surgery on my chin. The first few weeks were the worst as it hurt to move my jaw at all. Nothing too painful mind you but it certainly wasn't any fun.

After that it really boiled down to the muscles were just sore and stiff when operating them. They still are, however they are far better today then a few weeks ago. What would happen is my jaw would just get tired from being told to open and close not to mention the additional pressure of being forced closed through some type of edible entity.

Put it this way imagine your jaw aching after you have been chewing gum too long. Now place that right up front and under your chin. Multiply and that is what it feels like.

The last few weeks have been a careful balancing act of eating more things but making sure not to overdo it. Which could happen easily with certain items.

As I mentioned though it has all gotten slowly better. You can imagine my excitement when I graduated from soups, smoothies, eggs, yogurt, and Jello, and moved onto things like Chili, Noodled dishes and the like.

My first Thai noodle dish in almost two months was like the best meal EVER!!

Which prompt a cold cut pita sandwich and eventually french fries!!

*GASP*

I know right!!! I said the FF words!! Shhhh, don't tell anyone.

I was in nom heaven!

All of this was been carefully monitored and if at anytime I felt that eating something was stressing things out too much I stopped and moved onto something else if I was still hungry.

The down side to all this was with such a limited menu I wasn't doing a lot of cooking.

You wouldn't think this would matter, honestly I didn't either. Though I was growing quite tired of the bland repetitive menu.

So you can imagine my glee when I finally pulled out the dutch oven and promptly set about to braising a wonderful pork shoulder this last weekend. Mostly because I was looking forward to eating something real for a change. Besides I knew I could handle eating it because after three hours in the oven it comes out so moist and tender. I even whipped up a side of garlic and white cheddar mashed potatoes.

[Editor's note: The liquid diet had a serious impact to my weight not only did I loose the ten pounds I had gained from stopping hormones prior to surgery but lost an additional eight. Which is way too thin for me. Grabbing any extra calories I can get right now is a good thing.]

The totally unexpected part of all this was the calming affect being in the kitchen had. With all the craziness in my head lately it allowed me to let go a bit and just do something that felt...well,for lack of a better term...normal.

Fussing with ingredients, cooking them, tasting, adjusting.

It is amazing the sense of peace being in the kitchen brought to me. Not to mention how yummy everything was later.

[Editors note: Many people who have eaten my cooking usually ask my why I don't do it for a living. Having had worked as a short order cook, and seen the restaurant industry first hand. No thank you, I would loose all the joy I receive in the kitchen.]

Crazy how something like this can allow me to find my center again and help the process of returning things to normal.

Lost My Way

Transition, with out a shadow of a doubt, is the hardest things I have ever attempted in my modest life. 

However the past few weeks were particularly trying and honestly I didn't come out unscathed.

Six weeks ago I underwent facial surgery. The experience was quite profound. From trying to keep my nerves in check to go through with it. To the day itself and the recovery afterward. 

It was a lot. There were things that were not covered in the handbook. 

(Like you get a handbook, I am so complaining to management on this one.)

I faced moments of extreme and total panic. I endured a lot of discomfort. Not to mention the fact that things are weird as they heal. Compounded by the fact I was very unsure at times that it was all going to come out right.

Talk about playing with your emotions.

The absolute worst part?

I had to stop hormones for three weeks. 

Ouch!

Let me just say this. I am not looking forward to doing that ever again.

It seriously messed with my mind and my sense of well being. 

So through it all I ended up losing my sense of self. I think quite frankly I was overwhelmed with it all. I became disconnected with who I was. In the end didn't feel like anyone, not him, and more importantly not me. 

I was quite honestly lost. 

I didn't feel like stepping out of the house, I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I almost complete withdrew from the world. 

I felt hugely disconnected from everything. 

Made even more evident by my inability to write anything about...well...anything.

Now I was aware this was going on. I wasn't clueless about it. I didn't think it was that bad. I couldn't have been more wrong and I failed in trying to deal with it. I may have been trying to hard to get myself out of it, on my own. Which resulted in falling back onto old bad habits when life had become too much. Totally not a good thing. 

None of the above is an excuse for what I did or was doing, and still dealing with. It did however play a large part in what happened to me and failed to handle. 

Yet what I didn't realize, wasn't that I was just hurting myself in all this. 

I was hurting others. 

It took some very profound words that were incredibly hard to hear, spoken by a very dear friend, to wake me up from the stupor I was in. Allowing met to finally realize what a colossal idiot was being. 

I was pushing people away, I was being increasingly crabby and sarcastic.

I was only exasperating the problem with my actions. Not solving anything.

I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to say what she did. I am both eternally grateful that she did along with extremely guilty I put her into that position. 

It may be beyond my ability to ever properly express my thanks to her for doing it. Her words were like a cold bucket of water on my consciousness.

Talk about waking from a nightmare, worse still that you are still living it. 

Yes I am not through all this yet. I still have to deal with what is going on in my head. I will say being more aware of it helps a great deal. I can get through this I just have to be more conscious about not letting myself slide backwards such as I did. 

The plus side is that I am really starting to feel better physically and that can go a long way in helping one's mental well being. 

It isn't the answer but every little bit helps right now. The hope is that I can find myself and can regain some balance in all this as life needs to start moving forward again. 

As there is more change to come. So I will need to be better prepared for it.

In the mean time I only hope I am can be as good a friend to someone as they have been to me. 

She knows who she is.

Banana Cruise 2011

They are not taking a break, gorging on bananas, hanging in trees, on strike, or even rebelling.

Nope.

The typewriter monkeys are gone.

On vacation.

I have no idea when they will return.

For all I know they are sitting on a topical island or a fancy boat sipping fruity drinks with cute little paper umbrellas in them. If they are smart they found their way to the Lopburi Monkey Festival.

They are typewriters monkeys so I wouldn't give them that much credit.

However, they haven't called and they certainly haven't written.

Which brings me to my absence. I have had a serious case of writers block. Oh it isn't like I haven't had things to talk about but I just didn't always feel I wanted to talk about them or felt comfortable doing so.

I cannot say that I do now.

Though I will say that one of the reasons I haven't felt like talking is I have been busy recovering.

My days have been tied up in rest, caring for myself, and doing things I need to get better.

The good news is I am doing quite well and for the most part I am very happy with the results. Things are turning out they way I wanted them too.

It was indeed and interesting experience, yet one that I currently don't feel compelled to discuss publicly.

At least not now.

Someday I might. However for those that are truly interested and really want to know my email address is listed on the site. I will provide any details you might want as long as you have some good questions.

However for the time being life is a little on hold while I continue to heal and gain back some of my strength.

Trust me I have had B call me three times asking me when I would be ready to hang out again. I tell you that boy is a persistent one. Though it is welcome and appreciated.

Hopefully life will return to normal soon and I can start moving this process forward again. I would think that I would have a lot more to say when that happens.

In the mean time if you see any of my typewrite monkeys tell them to come home.

Though I can understand I might not want to leave this either if I was them.