Friday, January 9, 2009

Viscious Circle

Nasty little things.

And don't feed them after midnight. ;)

But I find myself being attacked by one.


Once again my choices in life have taken me to a point where I feel unable to do anything about my condition. Even if doing anything means moving forward only to find out transition isn't for me.

I feel with the relationship I am in, financial responsibilities, etc. I feel once again trapped.

Not to mention the requirements of what needs be done around the household.

Again I am becoming distracted by the mountain of responsibilities of what is required of me as 'him' to find any time to figure out me.

The difference is this time I am aware of it, I also am not trying to hide from it. I am just not sure what to do to resolve this.

Did that make sense to anyone?

I sometimes just want to walk away from it all to give me time to find myself. One way or the other, but I feel obligated to right the current ship I am on before I jump to another. However that gives me the impression that any attempt to find me will get pushed further back.

I also realize I am doing this un-intentionally at this time. I am not swamping myself to distracted the issue on purpose. It is more of there is simply too much in front of my not to do anything about it. But it does interfere.

I've done this before, for different reasons. Now I think I just do it to not feel bad about what I want to do for myself.

Trapped in an endless cycle it seems sometimes.


alan said...

Having buried myself in familial obligations far younger than I should have and compounded it with financial ones since, I understand completely what you mean.

I often wonder if in my next lifetime I might possibly get it right?

May you find some ray of hope that you won't have to wait for the next one!