Busy little bee

I apologize for being behind in posting. Granted I never intended this to be a daily thing for me I just don't have that kinda time right now.

But I should and will try to be better.

I am working on what I think should be the last post regarding my history. At least from the overview point I have been giving it. It has been rather therapeutic to put that up and really caused me to think about my past more then I had been. Which is a good thing, I just wish I had known what I know now.

Hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it.

One more thing. I don't know if any of you have caught this. Heck, I am not sure how many of you are even reading my blog.

But there is a new Transgender in the media.

MTVs Real World has added an eighth cast member (normally 7) who happens to be trans. I have found it fascinating, and love how the other girls so far have treated her no differently upon finding out and still treat her like one of the girls. (I should point out she is fully transitioned including GRS).

I don't know if MTV is doing it for the ratings, they very well could be, but I at least give them kudos for trying it. It is only a few episodes in I highly recommend catching up if you can. I am very interest in how this plays out.

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Passing.

Now there is an interesting topic.

I have read, seen, and heard a lot about it. I know how concerned some are with it. I know, I feel the same way myself.

Some say it is narcissistic and in some ways I agree.

But I don't think that is the major issue on why some of us are so concerned about it.

I don't think many of us are concerned about being the prettiest girl in the room. I hear it a lot, but don't put that much stock into it. I still have my issues.

I myself am not concerned about how attractive I am. More I am concerned with how the world views me.

Here is what I think the crux of the issue is.

We are women.

Unfortunately we were not born that way.

All we want is to be just like every other woman. We want to be able to wake up in the morning. Brush our hair, pick out an average outfit, walk out the door looking just like any other women.

And we want the rest of the world to view us that way.

We don't want people pointing at us, looking questioningly at us, giggling, we just want people to accept us for the woman we feel we are.

We don't want to have to rely on an hour in front of the makeup mirror(sometimes it just isn't practical). But we don't want to be mistaken for a man. If we want to put the effort into looking good, so be it. If not we still want the world to think 'woman' when they see us. Cause that is how we think and feel.

See when your brain tells you are a woman. You feel like a woman. But you have the body of a man. One that developed in a way at puberty into a form you are not comfortable with you fight more image issues then the average person.

And I know there are people that have image issues, both men and woman. A rather small percentage of the population have perfect figures. We need to work with our issues. I know genetic girls taller then me, broader shoulders then me. But they dress to their strengths, carry themselves well, and don't have to hear too much about it.

Because they are confident in who they are.

Because no one is questioning their gender.

Which is all some of us really only want.

Which is why we concern ourselves with passing.

We don't want the rest of the world questioning our gender, because we don't.

At least not any more.

Viscious Circle

Nasty little things.

And don't feed them after midnight. ;)

But I find myself being attacked by one.

Why?

Once again my choices in life have taken me to a point where I feel unable to do anything about my condition. Even if doing anything means moving forward only to find out transition isn't for me.

I feel with the relationship I am in, financial responsibilities, etc. I feel once again trapped.

Not to mention the requirements of what needs be done around the household.

Again I am becoming distracted by the mountain of responsibilities of what is required of me as 'him' to find any time to figure out me.

The difference is this time I am aware of it, I also am not trying to hide from it. I am just not sure what to do to resolve this.

Did that make sense to anyone?

I sometimes just want to walk away from it all to give me time to find myself. One way or the other, but I feel obligated to right the current ship I am on before I jump to another. However that gives me the impression that any attempt to find me will get pushed further back.

I also realize I am doing this un-intentionally at this time. I am not swamping myself to distracted the issue on purpose. It is more of there is simply too much in front of my not to do anything about it. But it does interfere.

I've done this before, for different reasons. Now I think I just do it to not feel bad about what I want to do for myself.

Trapped in an endless cycle it seems sometimes.