When the Music Dies

I think I was eleven or twelve. Maybe somewhere in between.

I was visiting some of my cousins that day.

One who is almost four years older than me grabbed me all of a sudden.

"OMG I have something you have to hear!"

She knew I was starting to get into music. We saw a lot of each other back then so she thought she had something I would like to listen to.

She was right.

I had been hearing more and more hip-hop and rap.

While not a favorite sound there was some cool stuff starting to come out. (this was the mid eighties after all)

You could see the development and growth of it right in front of your eyes.

Still I was very picky with what I listen to at that time. That would change in the coming years but this was different.

What she played for me blew my mind. I was enthralled. We listen to the entire album while sitting her room.

It was short and we had the time.

My musical life changed that day.

Almost immediately I asked her who it was.

She told me.

I asked if they had been around before.

"No they are brand new."

I was hooked.

This trio of artist where nothing like I ever heard or would ever hear again.

It took me some time and scheming to get myself a copy of that first album as my parents would not let my buy it at that time.

I know I wore out at least one copy of that tape.

Then came their second album.

Still one of my favorites to this day. It was without a doubt their magnum opus. We will never hear an album made like that ever again. The multiple layers of sampling they used would not be allowed today with out a mountain of legal wrangling. If original artists would even agree to it.

I know I had both of these on one cassette tape at some point.

I am pretty sure I wore that out too.

I have several of their songs memorized. Lyric for Lyric.

Then with all the legal craziness they turned the hip-hop/rap community on their ear again with their third album.

They knew how to play instruments. So they did. Using them to great backing riffs and beats. Sounds lawyers could not complain about.

This one landed about the time grunge appeared. Thus the record was often mislabeled in the wrong genre.

People just didn't understand what they were doing.

Always challenging their sound, their listeners, even while still distinctly sounding like themselves.

Their subsequent work never stop entertaining me. I always eagerly looked forward to a new release buy a copy as soon as I could make it to a store or pre-ordering it.

I still listen to all their discs to this day.

They were one of my favorite groups and I was a huge fan. I got so many friends hooked on them simply because I listened to them.

That all changed.

This last Friday one of the three succumbed to an long battle with illness.

When I heard the news I was frozen.

I just sat there.

Numb.

I knew how much their music meant to me. Music was always an escape for me when I was younger. It allowed me to take my mind off of things. Distracting me I would focus on the music to forget thinking about me.

I listen to a lot of different things.

But theirs was always some of the most listen too.

Yet this last Friday I realized that this group as I had come to know and love was gone.

I would never again experience their amazingly creative brand of music as I had known it. The radical creativity, the unique craziness that they dared, and always seemed to succeed at.

Not to mention a part of my childhood died.

There are really no words to describe how much this will be missed.

Today the world is a sadder place. Even with being a fan of their music there idea and creativity influences so much of the musical world today. Just go look out at the other artist acknowledging just how huge this lose is.

All I can say is he will be missed and the group will never be the same without him.

Just Push...Pause?

I need a break.

Badly.

Not that life hasn't been good.

No, no, no!

It has truly been wonderful, fun and amazing.

Yes I still have to deal with some outstanding issues.

Though progress has been made on some counts. Small they might have been.

I actually stood in front of my dad, as me, for all of five minutes and chatted with him.

I wouldn't say we accomplished a lot, he still hardly talks to me but it was something.

My brother is still being a colossal jerk. He didn't even want to tell his sons about me. I guess he was pretending to ignore it. Yet he complains to my mom that I don't call him.

Gee I wonder why?

I also have been breaking rules.

Major rules.

As in I am dating.

Having been single and with all the trans stuff I had to, and will still have to deal with, I had a firm rule of not dating.

Seriously I had turned down ever single attempt to get my number or some other form of contact info.

I simply was not going to do it.

That is until now.

Why you ask?

This situation was different.

I knew of him through mutual friends. He has only ever known me, yet he does know about my past.

After several meetings through that group, we ran into each other in public on our own a couple of times over a year ago.

We never exchanged any contact info and I did not see him again until a few weeks ago. I remembered him, he was unsure about me(facial surgery and a drastic change in hair color could throw anyone off) until I mentioned something that happened once between us. He laughed, apologized for not only the incident I mentioned, but for not remembering me at first.

With that we spent the next few hours catching up and finally exchanging contact info. Which prompted an email exchange and him asking me out on a date.

Initially I was going to automatically respond with a no. As I thought about it though I realized that since I knew him, had a casual history, that it might be fun to go just to go.

No pressure to do anything, or see him again.

Plus knowing him and having spent some time with him before I trusted him.

Still don't think I was stupid. I met him at our first stop, did not let him pick me up. Met at a public place. This girl knows what she is doing.

Obviously you know how it turned out. As we are still seeing each other and so far it has been great. One of the best experiences dating I have ever had.

No I am not getting ahead of myself or planning a future. Thankfully he isn't either we are just enjoying the company and the fun. The amount of understanding between us has amazed me.

I also am moving out of my previous living arrangement into a new one. I am actually taking up the spare room with my cousin Rock Girl. She could use the extra cash and the rent is idea for me right now. Plenty of room for the two of us.

This is a huge reason I haven't been able to post. Well, yeah, dating too, but if I am not working, out with the beau, I am at her place prepping the room and closet. Not to mention moving a number of things as time and space allows.

Life is just exceedingly busy and doesn't show any signs of slowing down anytime soon.

Which is all good. I wouldn't have it any other way. I finally feel like I am living my life.

Loving it and I see nothing to slow me down.

Though a pause would be nice.

Family Matters

A long time ago I talked about a part of my family.

They were a group I was pretty close to growing up and routinely saw them for the holidays and more.

Well as I mentioned so long ago it didn't sound like I was going to get a whole lot of support from that group.

Still I needed to tell them. At this point I had Christmas Eve rapidly approaching.

Earlier in the fall I had decided that out of all my cousins I would tell the third oldest first. (We'll call her Rock Girl, since she had an affinity for 80's hair bands, still does actually).

Out of all of my cousins she was the most open minded, even though she might be the most rebellious and outspoken.

She is also the one cousin I saw and talked to more often over the last few years.

Even though, the youngest and I are closest in age.

I'll call her Brat. Really I am not kidding she gets all full of drama at the slightest thing. (more I this very thing later)

Her sisters, as I have come to find out, often don't talk about things they have done without her. Because she will have a fit they didn't invite her AND she often doesn't make the effort to talk to anyone else. She ignores everyone unless she needs something then wonders why she gets left out. The other sisters talk constantly so often a gathering was a spur of the moment event.

I am digressing.

As for the two oldest I wasn't as close to them. Rock Girl just made a lot of sense. In fact my mom agreed with my assessment.

With that we has dinner shortly before the holidays. I had tried to reach her earlier but due to the things I was doing and she was out of the country on vacation. Well, it became much later in the month of December than I would have liked.

To keep this part of the story short since there is a considerable amount to tell. Dinner went fine. She already had her suspicions well over a year ago. Listened to everything I had to say. Asked some questions herself. In all it went well.

At the end of that night I reiterated the thought that she should take her time with this and let me know what she thought about approaching the rest of her family.

Little did I know what she was going to do.

By the time she called my Sunday night word had been spread.

She had talked to her Mom and Dad on Saturday. Then most of her sisters, a couple of the husbands and few of the older kids.

O_O

From what she realized to me that most of them seemed to be ok with it.

My Aunt stated that as long as I was happy she would be ok with it.

I even got some emails from a few of them all positive.

Rock Girl even told me they all wanted me to attend Xmas eve which is a tradition with that side of the family.

I was attending this last years since my father would be in attendance and I did not want to take away from any ones holidays. Really he was doing his best to not be nice to me lately and I just was not in the mood to feel uncomfortable all evening.

Now I am sure you are thinking this is the end of the story right?

Wrong.

This is a two parter.

After getting though some of the things I had scheduled for the first month of the year. I got in touch with Rock Girl again to discuss getting together.

She happily accepted and asked me if I minded if sister or two showed up.

I was good with that and we picked a Saturday afternoon in early February.

Only we didn't get together on that Saturday.

...

We switched to Friday night for dinner at my cousin's condo(which I had not seen yet) and I notified on Thursday night that  lunch with three of my cousin's would now be all of them, two of the husbands, my oldest cousins two kids, and the son's girlfriend, along with my aunt and uncle.

That is now a head count of eleven.

Double O_O!!!

I didn't panic, though I wanted to, and I did go.

After some initial awkwardness, and with the help of a very humors moment at the dinning room table. Which consisted of my Aunt and Uncle, Rock Girl, and my eldest cousin's husband(I'll call him Jester because he is such a goof ball). The tension broke and everyone slowly drifted to the dinning area.

Rock Girl and I talked about this after everyone else had left. We both were thinking the same thing early on. That this was not going to go well. I can't say it was a rousing success but it went far better than I thought.

The following week I got some great responses from my Eldest cousin's kids. The oldest of which was supper sweet and she even told me she liked this version of me a lot better. My Aunt told Rock Girl this: "She is so in her element now.  So relaxed and happy.  You can see just by mannerisms it where she is meant to be." Even my Uncle upon meeting me was ok with it. I think meeting me and seeing how normal I really am makes a huge difference.

I even got a huge hug from him a few weeks later when I saw him and he asked me "How is my favorite niece doing?" Made my whole day! Nay, my whole month!

The Brat however has been a little put out with me for not telling her first and correcting her once when she got the pronouns wrong. Rock Girl told me not to take it personally because I didn't do anything wrong. She also agrees I will have to correct people when they get it wrong. I have to get people to think differently. I am not mean about it. Yet the Brat took it personally.

Since then I have been able to go out shopping with Rock Girl and even meet some more of the extended family on my Aunt's side(I mostly only see these people at graduations and funerals.

All in All reactions as I have met family have been positive and far better than what my father and brother have done. I get that it is hard, but you don't have to be complete jerks about it.

In other news I have had some extended cousins on my mom's side of the family. They have been super kind in with their words and when a few of them return back to the area for Easter weekend want to have dinner with me. I have also heard from my mom that a few other aunt and uncles on her side want to meet me too.

After the depressing results I have had in some cases, and the crippling fears, I have been very pleasantly surprised with what has transpired in recent weeks.

No, not everyone is on board but today I have far more supporting me than I did before.

And that is a good thing.