Shakin' What Your Mama Gave Ya!

In leu of the fact that I am headed out for a few days of fun and frivolity this weekend in which I plan on participating in one of my favorite things.

Dancing!

I love to dance. I spend a lot of my early bar hopping years hanging out with a few girls who would allow me to join them at a few local clubs.

I did have to watch the chick moves a bit but I still had fun. Not to mention got pretty good. Granted I am not amazing or anything but I can hold my own. Though it did take a little practice to learn how to do it in heels. :D

It was there I develop a love of early electronic, industrial and even techno based music. I heard a lot of Ministry, KMFDM, Lords of Acid, Nine Inch Nails. Which lead into Deadmau5, Kaskade, Fatboy Slim, Benny Benassi, and the Crookers.

Along with a lot of the party classics. Though I dance to all types of music as long as it has a good beat.

However there are a few songs that just cause me to stir no matter where I am at. Most of them are on the current club rotation so I hear them fairly frequently.

With that I give you songs to shake your thing too.

Enjoy!

The Space Between

A little over a week ago, after a long Saturday of working, I went out to a local club.

I might have mentioned a disaster at work, and the repairs were finally made the following weekend. Allow us to return to normal operation.

So after working like crazy the Saturday before and all week. Coupled with a early and long day that Saturday I still dressed and went out.

Not the best idea I know, because by the time I drove home and cleaned up to go to bed I had been up for twenty-two hours straight.

But I had fun, got to see some friends I had not seen in a while.

And made one new one.

Now I had been introduced to her at least once briefly before. However we really never talked much past names and greetings.

This isn't a bad thing, it is just I have a tendency to be reserved when it comes to the Trans community as a whole. There are large parts of it that don't sit well with me, nor to I feel a part of them. In addition to the fact that most Trans (as I'll call them) that approach me I view as really being men dressed as woman. I can read their intentions so quickly that I usually just be polite as possible and just cut off the conversation rather fast.

I understand why they are doing it, but that isn't me.

Nothing about her jumped out at me as being an issue originally, but, as I found out, she was rather shy herself. I just didn't know what to say to her other than hello.

Now I cannot recall at all what sparked our conversation this time around. I know there are a few people there that are mutual friends. That might have generated it. I don't know as I was rather tired and the night is a bit fuzzy.

Still almost immediately I liked her. Down to earth, sensible, funny, smart, and even a little silly.

I ended up spending a lot of time with her that night. (Some of my other friends were forced to leave a little earlier. So I was rather on my own.)

We talked, we joked, we even accompanied each other on the dance floor for a few songs.

By the end of the night I was plopped down next to her on a little ledge chatting away, not wanting to head home. Simply enjoying her company and her attitude.

I was already in a frame of mind that this was someone I could build a solid hopefully lasting friendship with.

Then came the gotcha.

I was mistakenly under the impression that she was transitioning, if she had not done so already. The way she carried herself, her mannerisms, were not suggesting anything else.

I don't remember talking to her about it that night, but I know since then as we have chatted through email and online that she isn't.

I cannot fault her reasons why, in fact they are valid and I can respect her for them. We are all different and some of us while wishing we could just, well, never can do so.

The argument could be made that sometimes they are just excuses because they are afraid to do otherwise. I will give her the benefit of the doubt here just because she seems very sure of herself otherwise.

This however is not the point of this post.

The issue here lies with me.

What I am having trouble with is the fact that I am transitioning and she is not.

This bothers me since here is someone I really enjoy spending time with. The more I talk to her the more I like her. She isn't like most others and there is a level of mutual respect between us all ready. Yet she is going to keep her self limited in how she lives her life.

I am not.

I already limit myself in the trans community. Yes, there are some great people in it but I am transitioning. I know I am transsexual. Down the road I am simply going to be living my life unhindered as me. Where I go what I do is going to be open to just about anything. I am already doing that now as time allows.

Which means there are those that will be stuck in whatever situation they are, and won't be able or willing to follow.

I can already see a rift forming between my self and the trans community and it is my fear people like her that I would want to be friends with could or will fade out of prominace as I move forward.

It's not like I don't like the Trans community, I have met some really great people. However my goal is become the woman or girl I have always wanted to be. I simply am not going to restrict myself to hanging around the trans community simply because others won't do anything else.

Which brings me back to the issue at hand. I know I am going to see and talk to her again. The amount of chatting I have done with her since has already left an impression on me.

I just fear that friends of value, such as her, are going to pay the price when my life changes and a large space is wedged between us.

Casting the First Stone

The first one is a big one.

How big?

Well, I've reached a point where I need to start disclosing my function to those that are close to me that do not yet know.

Things are really going to start changing and I feel certain people are going to need to know.

Even if they are not going to like what I have to say.

I have a rather large one first up on my list.

My Parents.

That is right I have not yet told them about me.

Now it is interesting because my mother has complained about my appearance. She thinks I've lost too much weight and of course thinks I need a haircut.

Other than that I have not heard much from either one of them about anything else.

The trick was how to do this.

I don't think I can physically manifest the words out of my mouth to explain this. These are my parents we are talking about. For the most part I have had a good up bringing. They raised me to be independent and self sufficient, respectful of others, hardworking, and myself.

Little did they know I never really was that last one.

For the most part I get along with them very well. Yes there are the standard Parental/Offspring issues where we don't always see eye to eye on things. But the relationship is good. If anything my Mother can be difficult to deal with at times, I learned how to deal with that.

Obviously I would like to be able to maintain the relationship with them, even if altered.

So for a long time I didn't know how to tell them. How to form the words that I need to say and they need to hear.

So I wrote them down. I got the idea from a few other girls that lived considerable distances from their parents. I figured the best way to get this issue out and into the open was to write them down.

It did take me four attempts to write it. I simply did not want to bash them over the head with this or force it down their throat. The first few versions kind of did that or at least I felt they did.

After I was finally happy with it I passed it along to a few people who I know me and about me, along with my therapist.

All the feedback I have gotten has been tremendous and extremely positive. They simply love the approach I took and how I said it. I guess I managed to do a decent job.

Now I don't intend to do the cowardly thing and just mail them the letter.

No, instead I fully intend to hand it to them face to face and allow them to read it. I just don't know if I will be able to find the voice to get these words out verbally. My hope is this will break the ice and lead into conversation.

After that I will try to stay as long as I can to deal with their reaction. Furthermore I will try to answer any questions they have.

My biggest goal is to try an avoid any type of blow up or argument. I simply want to try and discuss it as civil human beings.

I finally feel I am ready to do this, though one large fear I have is my Mother's tendency to speak about things to just anyone at inappropriate times or when she shouldn't. This is a huge one cause I am not ready to be outed across the board. I know it is coming but that is for me to do, not her. I will have to stress this to her a bit when all this happens.

With that I will say that I was able to pin them down in two weeks time. They are both retired and on the road quite a bit. I'm going to try and have lunch with them near their house (They do live an hour away so I can't do this spur of the moment.) then sit them down and proceed to upend their world.

The enormity of this has been growing on me for the last few days. Yet this needs to happen. The person they knew as their son is going to be going away to be replaced my someone else. I know it will take them time, but I hope they can come to terms with it.

It is going to be interesting.

P.S. Since the letter has some personal information in it I will not post it on here. However if I have talked to you previously and you ask me nicely I will consider sending a copy for you to read.