It Was Bound to Happen

I knew there would be moments of awkwardness during my transition.

I was also aware that if could happen after.

My hope was that it would not actually occur too much after full time.

For the most part it has not.

I did, however, have something happen recently.

This past Labor Day weekend(it is a U.S. holiday for those overseas readers) I once again made an appearance at the Cabin.

Yes, that cabin.{link}

The usual suspects were there. Rogue, Pixie, Jester, Scholar, Professor, and Ginger to name a few.

There were even a few who were there during my winter visit, and even a few new people.

Overall the weekend was a blast. I surprised them with my cooking skills as I made them a fairly large batch of my famous baby back ribs. Most of this group had never had them before and the complements were off the charts.

I think my favorite comment was "These ribs are like crack!"

There was great conversations, lots of laughs, good food as I was not the only one who cooked that weekend(I discovered candied bacon FTW!!). Plenty of movie watching and table top gaming.

I even brought with me a new one I had recently purchased.

I big part of the reason I like to go is there is absolutely no agenda for these weekends(or weeks). Come, have fun, but do what you want too. Sleep. Eat. Watch a movie or TV shows. Game. Read or anything in between.

About the only schedule is breakfast in the morning dinner in the evening. Anything else and you are on your own.

It is very relaxing.

Yet the title of this post indicates there might have been an issue.

And you would be right there was.

It was brief but something did happen that I did not expect.

When I arrived Friday night, as I had driven up right after work, Scholar was giving me the run down on where I might sleep for the weekend.

We were walking around and he listed off the large shared bedroom upstairs, the studio apartment above the garage, the bunk room in the old cabin, the full bedroom in the old cabin, and the roost.

The roost?

I had no idea what this was.

It turned out to be a small bedroom above the outside bath house. This was a late addition to the property and the bathhouse is now largely a storage room. Yet the apartment is well insulated, powered, and other than having to duck to get into it, very roomy. Most people can stand upright and not have an issue.

As we walked down from that he wrapped up the list of options with the following:

"If none of that works for you I have a king bed in the basement I am very willing to share."

*blink, blink*

"Scholar did you just hit on me?"

"Yes."

"Seriously, why?"

"Well for one you are hot! I also have the extra room and I am single."

I looked at him for a second as I put my thoughts together about this.

"Scholar...I cannot. I am sorry but with someone I have known for so long I just cannot do it. Are you okay with this?"

"Yeah fine, I was just taking the chance you might say something different."

"I am sorry but no."

Thankfully this did not impact the weekend I had at all. It just made for one awkward moment. It also as not affected my friendship with Scholar at all.

It is just something I cannot do. As I explained to Pixie at a later time. One firm rule I have regarding all of this is that I cannot comfortably date or pursue anyone I was really close friends with before hand.

Pixie understood what I was getting at and confirmed that it was also just Scholar being scholar. He cannot help himself at times. Especially when he is single.

The biggest reason is not them either. I would just find it way too awkward myself. Trust me there is more than one that I would consider otherwise if I was just meeting them for the first time and they are not married, it would be a different story.

When I say too awkward I mean it too. It would be way too awkward for me.

Still I guess it was bound to happen at some point. One of my older friends was going to make a pass at me.

Nothing came of it, he has not tried again and I am still friends with Scholar today.

At least in this case it was mostly harmless.

The Memorial

This post is a bit late.

There is a number of reasons for that.

I have been an extremely busy girl since early July. In fact I was gone every single weekend in August.

It was so bad I could not even clean my room for a month.

I know because I did so finally for the first time this last weekend.

Before you all get judgmental. It was not a pigsty, but I definitely had some clutter that had built up and some of my traveling items that needed to be stored.

Which is why there has been a bit of a lag in my posting. It was not for lack of things to write. Nay, it is because I was so busy each week preparing for the next trip out of town.

Of which I have a few I am going to tell you about. First though I need to get caught up on this.

Mid Spring I had to attend the funeral of my Mom's sister. My Aunt.

Now this never came as a shocker, she had been suffering various health issues for a few years. Still last August she was diagnosed with a laundry list of things including two forms of Cancer.

We all thought the same thing, it was not a matter of if. It was simply a matter of when.

Even my mom held no delusions about this. Her relationship with her sister was strained at best but my mom helped and did what she could, but often during out monthly dinners I could see the thoughts in her eyes and hear it in her words.

My Aunt was on borrowed time.

After she passed we planned a memorial, not an traditional funeral since she was cremated, and we put her with the rest of the family.

Most of the close and extended family came out. Along with a number of family and friends. We then attended a luncheon after.

What I came to realize during all this was that a lot of these people were meeting me for the first time.

Several people wanted to know who I was since they did not recognize me and this was obviously a family event with very close friends. Most of them had all met before. Prior to transition.

It went fine, I caught up with a number of people and had several great conversations.

After it was over I simply put it in the back of my head and really did not even think about it until about late June, mid July?

My Mom and I had both been busy and with everything going on we missed some time for getting together.

When we finally had a chance to sit down and catch up, my mom brought up the topic of the Memorial.

While I was thinking the worse(why else would she be bringing it up), she surprised me with the opposite.

She mentioned to me that since the Memorial she had caught up with a number of people who had attended.

They caught her off guard by bringing up the topic of me.

Across the board they all said the same thing.

"Oh my goodness, she is amazing! She is beautiful, funny, and personable! We like her a lot."

Even the few of those who where not initially enthusiastic about the news of my function, were surprised and changed their tune about it.

My mom was beaming as she told me this. She knows how hard it was for me to do everything that I did. How many people could not accept it and the friends or family that I had lost over it.

She even told me about catching up with her Priest(Catholic) and his continued gushing about me. I had completely forgotten it had happened at the Memorial but my mom had introduced me to him while there.

He took one look at me and said the following to my parents "Wow! You have a very beautiful daughter!"

He looked at me "Your parents must be so proud. How many kids do you have?"

I laughed "I am sorry I do not have any at this point."

"Oh but you are young, you have plenty of time. Are you married?"

Again I laughed "No, I am not right now." (If only he knew I was a 38 year old Trans Woman who cannot have kids).

"Really? I cannot imagine a beautiful girl like yourself being single for long."

He turned to my parents "You did a really good job with this one."

I spoke up from the side with a twinkle and a smirk "I try not to tell them that otherwise it goes right to their heads. Then they are impossible to deal with."

He laughed at it and my parents just smiled. It was nice to see my Dad actually laughing a bit.

He caught up with my mom at church later to see if I had met anyone yet and if I had not to invite me to one of the singles events at the church. My mom just chuckled about the whole thing.

{I should point out that he is not your typical droll Catholic Priest. He is engaging, funny, a bit evangelistic in his delivery and really likes to connect to his audience. I can see why my parents like him so much. If I was not an Atheist I would want a priest like him at my church.

After my mom related it all She looked at me and said this:

"I am so proud of you. You have become yourself and not only do I see it so is the rest of the world. I was not expecting all those people to comment like they did, but they did. They are seeing what I am seeing. An amazing woman worth knowing."

I wanted to cry. As much as all the positive comments and praise are wonderful to hear. What meant more to me was seeing my mom happy and proud of me. All I ever wanted was to by myself and to have others on board and telling my parents how much they think of me means more than anything anyone can say directly to me.

It is things like this that remind me at times that all this was worth it.

Margaritaville: Legacy of the Lost Scrolls

As you know D(Racer's wife) and I made a date for dinner and drinks.

The text exchange was rather funny as she mentioned a good Mexican restaurant that had great margaritas and good food.

I responded back jokingly that she had me at margarita.

 We picked a time and a date for getting together.

So how was it?

Well I got there after work at 5:30.

After many a laugh, some pretty good food, numerous stories and four margaritas we finally decided we should be responsible adults and make our way home at eleven at night.

It was a school night after all.

It was just so much fun getting to know someone you already knew all over again.

From the moment I walked in it was we started chatting.

We talked about our respective days. Got caught up on some larger life stories that we both had mentioned to each other but did not have the time to go into details.

Book, movies, art, music were all discussed.

We poked fun at silly people and some of the less than stellar human beings we have worked for.

We even got into the topic of me a little(it was the first time she was able to ask me some more in depth questions).

"Let me just say Kelli you have completely blown me away with who you are. I am also stunned how good you look. I cannot believe you are the same person."

"lol, that big a difference huh? Let me guess you were expecting something else?"

"I would not say that I was just unsure of how it would work. I mean when I was finally able to get home and talk to Racer about you I asked "how does she look?" He just told me you looked incredible and amazing. Which is why I had to go to dinner with you shortly after. I was so bummed about not being able to meet with that night, but my mom needed help."

"And what do you think?"

"Holy cow girl!! You have simple amazed me. Not only with how you look but who you are. I had so much fun meeting you at dinner. Poker night was a blast and I just had to hang out with you again. Even your personality is different. I mean there are some of the same things there but you are more open and relaxed these days compared to that engineer I met so long ago. I am really glad for you and glad that you are finally happy."

"Thanks D it is not an easy road to get here and a lot of people think they know what the issue is or how it works. Really they do not."

"I don't doubt it one but you are doing it well. In fact you really caught the attention of everyone at poker. Particularly Tilt's."

"Really?"

"Oh my god yes! Quite a few people wanted to know how we knew you. Who you were, etc. But we went to dinner with Tilt about a week later and he was all about you, asking all that and if you were going to come back. He also thought you were a really good poker player. He could not stop taking about you."

"Oh dear it sounds like he has crushing on me a bit."

"lol I would agree. Now are you coming back?"

"Oh definitely, I enjoyed it. As my schedule allows I indeed to be there."

Which I have been since this night.

She even mentioned a conversation with her hairdresser when the topic of a trans person popped up in the salon when she was there during a session.

I am not recalling what caused another patron to mention it but D's hairdresser made a comment to her that a trans person can always be spotted.

D disagreed with her. When questioned about it. D replied "I know it is not true because I have a friend who does not look like anything other than a woman." Her hairstylist then started rattling off the common tells in a trans person. To which D shot down every single one of them regarding me. Finally stating:

"Look she is small, only and inch taller than I am. Does not have any distinguishing features nothing. She dresses respectable and well. Even when she is being super casual. There just isn't anything there. She has a wonderful voice. Heck it is better than mine. Her manners everything just fits. So no you cannot always tell."

She told me her hairdresser was a bit taken back but D went on to staunchly defend me. It just goes to show how un-informed people really are.

D stated that from the moment she met me that this just made total and perfect sense for me.

The rest of our talk was just pure fun and idle chatting. All together it was a great time and we enjoyed each others company so much we have done it since then and are even planning another now that she is back from a vacation.

After the string of friends and even family that had an issue with me. It is astounding me the number of people who knew and now have no issue with the new me.

It seems with every step I take forward these days the more life seems to finally be falling into place.

And I really like that place.

I'm All In: The Lost Scrolls Revisited

Now that I got you all caught up with the lost scrolls, I can tell you the next part of the story.

Since I now had Racer up to date on what was going on. We promised to speak again soon.

But that did not end up happening.

Not that we didn't talk.

Quite the contrary we did a lot. On the phone, IM and emails.

We were still IT engineers and we often share data. He also moved some of my personal services onto his hosting environment as I shut down my personal lab for the time being.

So there was plenty of chatter between us during my first year full time.

Yet we never had the chance to get together in person. I was busy, he was busy, I did not think he was blowing me off at all, it was just not working out.

Which brings up to early 2013.

He had an IT question for me about a platform I work heavily on. While chatting via IM about it he actually brought it up.

"Hey I haven't seen you in over a year?"

"You are right." As I realized this was, in fact, true.

"Can you go to dinner in the near future?"

I checked my schedule "Yes, I am busy this week but I am really free next week."

"Okay, perfect I have nothing next Tuesday. Let's go!!"

We chatted a bit more on logistics and venue. Settled on it quickly and that was that.

Tuesday came and we met. He arrived before I did as I had a longer drive. Plus it was starting to snow in the region(this was mid February).

I walked, shrugged off my jacket and sat down.

He looked dead at me and said "Holy F*#$!

Taken aback I questioned him.

"You look great!! I was not expecting this!"

"Really?"

Oh yeah, I had no idea what I was going to see, but damn. You look good and if did not know who you were I would not suspect. Wow!"

{It should be noted that I was not dressed in anything unusual. Simply a sweater and jeans tucked into knee boots. It was winter after all.}

I thanked him and asked him how his wife D was doing.

"Oh she is good, she wanted to come tonight but she had to help her mom tonight and with the snow coming probably won't make it."

I told him that was too bad and tell her I said hi.

Now I should note here that I knew both of them separately. I met her doing work for the company she was the office manager for and in charge of the IT consultants coming in. Her and I talked all the time I was there. Often if I need to kill and hour so I could head home rather than back to the office I would chat with her. We always got along.

As He and I worked together and when I was placed on a long term large project, He was the one who replaced me. Which is how they met. They did not start dating until about five years later and were married about two after that.

We ate dinner. Talked most of the night, enjoyed a frosty adult beverage or two. He asked a bunch more questions of me, we caught up on life and joked about a number of things.

It was a good a productive evening.

He promised to get together again soon...

...which did not take very long at all, within a few days he contacted me again wanting to setup another dinner. This time with his wife D.

It was my hunch there was some curiosity. It is to be expected at times.

So we setup a day the following week and I met the two of them for dinner.

Again I got a big hug from her as soon as I walked in.

Great dinner, good conversation it went amazingly well.

It got even better near the end when she asked me: "Do you still play poker?"

{back story here, Racer and I started playing poker with a group that was made up of people we worked with when he and I worked together. They wanted to learn how to play Texas Hold'em and so a monthly poker night was setup. Being a gamer of just about anything I was interested. Originally it was just guys only but on occasion it got opened up for wives and girlfriends. Me, being the gamer that I am loved it, even if the boys did get out of hand from time to time. I was used to it then and just stayed quite when things strayed too much.}

"I have not played in quite a few years."

"Would you be interested in a game once a month, our friend Tilt host a game these days and it is open to anyone."

I will use this poker term as a nickname since this man is a hardcore addict to the game.

"I would loved too!"

"Great we need more girls and you are an awesome player."

This was true, not to toot my own horn but after a few months of playing with those guys, learning the game and their tells. I started an impressive streak. In two and a half years I was finishing first or second most months. Even winning three times in a row. Only a few times did I ever go out early and even then I could usually outlast more then half the group and get close to earning money.

She informed me the next game was at the end of the week asked if I could go and I confirmed I could.

This brings me to the title of the story. I attend the poker game. There were three other girls there besides myself. Even though I didn't know most of the players or their tells I still managed to bust out Racer and two others, took more than a few pots of off Tilt, our host. Eventually placing third and winning eighty dollars.

Not too bad for a $20 buy in.

I had a blast, impressed the boys with how well I played, enough to get an invited back.

At the end of the night D and I were sitting on a couch chatting about things waiting for the boys to wrap things up. She looked at me and said "Oh hell, you are my kind of girl, give me your number we are so going out for drinks!"

Laughing I did just that and within a few days we settled on a place and a day to get together.

That brings me to the last part of this story.

To be continued....

The Lost Scrolls

I have a story to tell but I ran into a small issue.

I cannot find the prior post that I thought I had written about a friend of mine.

I found the original post where I had to talk with him early in my transition that produced some interesting comments.

Followed up by a conversation after he tried to offer me a position working for him.  Which caused more than a few sleepless nights.

Not because  I did not want or was not going to disclose to him. Rather it was the fact that I did not feel comfortable being a consultant on the road having to deal with clients, while transitioning.

I just did not feel I wanted to "explain" it to anymore more people than I had to.

That whole scenario was avoided when a large project that I had designed and got the chance to implement came to be.

Now I swear I wrote a post about the time I disclosed to him shortly before I went full time. For the life of me I cannot find it.

I looked through all my post archives. Scoured every post I had post or even written but not up on the site. I think I may have even burned out the search feature on my site.

I can recall writing it.

*sigh*

Where it went I have no idea.

I guess I need to explain.

No, there is too much let me sum up.

Racer(as I will call him as that is his hobby. Not kidding he has a heavily modified Mitsubishi Lancer Evo that he takes around the area for various weekend events and races in friendly competitions.) had long been wondering what was going on with me.

So shortly before I was going to start full time I finally managed to get our schedule so sync enough to have the "talk" with him.

I had to do it in his garage as he was in the process of changing out his racing seats for new ones. (There was some issue with how the others fit and they were causing him issues.)

Not a big deal as I know my way around things, granted i was not in charge of this, more I was just a glorified helper. Holding things in place, and tightening a nut or two. Generally being an extra set of hands.

This allowed for some extended time to talk about things. Which was funny because he actually guessed what I was going to tell him.

I kid you not.

I started my usual highly personal speech, digression for the time being would be appreciated, etc,. etc. Then, just before I got into the issue, he interrupted me.

"Can I take a guess at what this is?"

I was a little shocked but said "Sure."

"Okay, either you are getting a divorce or, and this is totally a wild ass guess, you are having a sex change."

I could not help but laugh, he was the only one ever to take a stab at it.

I explained to him that it was both. That my marriage long ago had failed but finances had force the delay of it happening. Also that the main reason I was there to talk to him was that yes indeed  was having a sex change.

(I found out that during the discussion that the day he told me I looked like a little boy he was already thinking I was looking more like a girl. Also that when I showed up on this day to tell he it was even more apparent. Which would be true as I was two months away from full time.)

I gave him the usual summary and a bit of data, then left the floor open for question. Which knowing him I would get a lot and I did.

Good questions, curiosity questions, even a few odd ones(that is just who he is).

I ended up being there for almost five hours as we talked about it, and all sorts of things that we had not caught up on in prior years. Also there were pauses as we worked on the car.

Still is was an incredible disclosure and in close competition with my disclosing to Professor in the best ones that I have had. For different reasons.

At the end he told me that while it would take a him a while to adjust to it that I would still be considered a friend. That as long as I was happy he had no issue with it. He understood the pursuit of personal happiness and the desire to be yourself.

He also stated that if work proved to be an issue that even if he could not hire me full time right then, he could offer me contract work for sure.

Which that I got a hug and said goodbye with the promise of getting together in the near future.

Which did not quite happen right away.

It ended up happening nearly eighteen months later...

...that brings me to the story I wanted to tell.

The Cabin In The Woods

It has been a crazy few months and it will take a bit for me to catch you all up on it.

I am going to try though.

The first thing I need to cover is the story of a friend of mine who got in touch with me again.

I'll call him Scholar since he spent over ten years getting his bachelor's degree. (long story)

He is a friend of mine who also knows the Professor.

Which is how he came to learning about me.

Earlier this year, late summer  or early fall, Scholar and the Prof went to lunch. Scholar asked about me and Professor told him that he had not talked to [His Name] in quite some time. Which is true.

So the Professor contacted me to let me know that I was asked about. Since he knew it was my story to tell he left it up to me, but that he did not want to keep avoiding the question.

Fair enough.

I then reached out via text to Scholar and let me know that I wanted to give him a call and talk but that if I did so I would sound a little different.

Before I could call him he attempted to contact me. Unfortunately  I was in a meeting and was unable to answer it. Thus it went to voice mail. Which has a new greeting with a new voice.

Well that removed any chance of not completely shocking him.

I called him back as soon as I was able and when he answered the phone he immediately used the right name and was totally okay with it. In fact it turned out I was the third person he knew that had transitioned(almost 11 years in college remember?). Crazy fact was I was the second MtF and the other was FtM.

We set plans for a dinner in the near future(early sept)  and sat down for a chat that day over a few drinks and a meal.

It was a non event really as he was already familiar with trans individuals and really just wanted to get to know me better.

At the end of the evening he noted a few things.

"Well you still have your sense of humor, you are still a geek, you seem more alive and happy then I have ever seen you. Really you are much the same yet vastly different. Also sitting here talking to you for the last few hours there is no doubt in my mine you are a girl. A pretty cool and amazing one at that."

Closing out this meeting he asked me if I was willing to attend a show by a local Irish drinking band, that the group he hung out with the most, followed around and saw fairly regularly. They had been trying to get me to attend for years but my prior living arrangement would not allow for it. I told him I would love to attend and to let me know when the shows were, that as long as I wasn't tied up elsewhere, that I would make one.

Which promptly came up a few weeks later, alas I was unable to attend that once since it was a bowling night.

All was not lost as the opportunity popped up right after Thanksgiving when Scholar called me again to see how I was doing and to inform me that yet another show was happening the first weekend in December.

The good news was I was totally free that night and mentioned that I would be dragging someone along, as they needed a head count for seating reservations.

As asked Scholar who else would be attending, besides himself, I did not really know anyone else, except for Rogue.

(I'll call him that because it totally fits his history if you know it like I do. Besides it is my blog and I can use any nickname I want too.)

Rogue went to the same HS as myself, Professor and Scholar. Not to mention the four of us did a lot of crazy things together way back when.

However I had not even talked to Rogue in nearly eight years, meaning he was not high on my list of people to have 'the' talk with prior to transition.

I asked Scholar if Rogue had been told anything and he replied that to his knowledge nothing had been said. I also contacted Professor and he stated the same.

So the night of event comes, I go, dragging the BF with me(he is a trouper that one, sometimes he has no idea what he is about to encounter but knows I need the support), Professor even makes a change in his plans and attends for my sake. (I have some amazing friends.)

Upon arriving, I am introduced to everyone there along with Rogue. Now he was a little busy since he was doing the arranging of this event and wanted to make sure there were enough seat for all the people attending.

Thus, beyond a cursory introduction, we did not talk.

Yet interestingly enough we did sit across from each other and though at separate tables. (The group had two long rectangular tables but Rogue and I ended up directly across from each other even if there were two table between us. This is important later.)

Also, once we got settled in the band started fairly soon thereafter so I was forced to wait for a break between the sets.

At which point I tell Scholar and Professor to go grab rogue so I can have a chance to talk to him.

We get him outside and away from the smokers(all bars and restaurants in my home state no longer allow for it inside) to have the following exchange.

"Rogue, I do apologize for doing it this way, but unfortunately I did not have a chance to tell you sooner. While you might not have any idea who I am, you do know me though it has been quite sometime. There has been a great deal of change so unless you have some idea who I am, I will have to explain."

I gave him a moment during which his eye widened and he looked at me and said:

"I have a guess."

"And?"

"Are you [his name]?"

"I was yes, how did you know?"

"Lol, well all night sitting across from you thinking you reminded me of someone. A few of your facial ticks. A smirk or look with your eyes that eventually clicked with me that you reminded me of him. So much so that I was tempted to call him and asked if he had a cousin that I never met who could almost pass for his female twin."

I laughed and said "Well there are some thing you cannot change."

"Honestly, I had no clue until you asked me if I knew who you were, I just thought it was one of those crazy circumstances where you meet someone who reminds you a great deal of someone else. I did not even make the connection until just now. So how are you?"

"Oh, you know same old, same old."

He gave a big laugh "Lol well your sense of humor certainly has not changed."

We chatted for a few minutes and at the end of it I asked if he ad any questions or concerns.

"Just one, Are you happy?"

"Very."

"Good, I might still be a little shocked but I have no issue with it as long as you feel it was right for you."

"It was."

"One last thing."

"Yes?"

"Will we be seeing you around more?"

"I don't see why not."

"Excellent, you have been missed."

It was this point where we needed to head back in as the band was going to start their second set. It was also time for me to leave. I have a busy Sunday morning and already it was late. So I said my goodbyes and headed out the door.

Now you would think that this would be the end of  my store. But nay, it is not. I only told you all that so I could tell you the real story. I mean this post is titled The Cabin in The Woods.

And I don't believe I have actually mentioned a cabin yet.

Well a few weeks after the music event, Scholar called me up and asked what I was doing between the holidays.

[Now before I go any further I feel I should point out Scholar's parents and extended family own two cabins in the norther part of our home state. His parents having the larger of the two properties mostly because they built a larger cabin next to the smaller one and connected the two with a breezeway. What would happened a long ago in a galaxy far, far away, is that between college semesters a bunch of us would head up there to unwind, game, ski, watch movies and generally have some fun before heading back home, and real life. I managed to go for most of the 90's before life took me in a different direction.]

At my current employment we have a full shutdown between the holidays. Mostly because our largest client also shuts down during this time.

I told him I was off and that I was looking to possibly go skiing somewhere.

"Why don't you come up here if you can, we will find room for you, there will be plenty to eat and you know you can go skiing form here. Besides, Scholar, Rogue, and myself already know, anyone else would be new to you. Nothing needs to be said just come up and be you."

I debated with this until the weekend before Xmas. Not sure what I wanted to do, but ultimately deciding I would go Wednesday night, ski Thursday, hang out Friday and if I felt uncomfortable I could head home at any time on Saturday.

Now I had to do a little work Wednesday after Christmas, which I could do from home, handle an appointment, so I needed up getting partially caught in a bad snow storm driving out Wednesday night. Thankfully I was able to drive  north enough to get out of it and the last two thirds of the trip were no issue at all.

It did however turn a three hour trip into five and a half.

Meaning I got there far later than I desired so I was only able to see a couple of people before I needed to get into bed since I was getting up early to leave to go skiing the following morning.

With only an hour, I only got to meet one new couple and spent some additional time with Rogue who helped me to find my sleeping arrangements.

Thursday was great all day on the slopes, for the first time in a long time I had total freedom since I had no one to babysit or teach how to ski. Not that I really mind I love sharing, but this really allowed me to go where I wanted, when I wanted and ski what I wanted.

I had a complete and total blast.

After getting kicked off the slopes in the late afternoon, I headed back to the cabin, stopping only to grab a bit to eat. I was starving and did not want to wait until I got back.

Upon arriving I headed into the main cabin to see if the shower would be free. I knew there were at least ten people currently staying there and I did not want to impede anyone.

What happened was not something I was expecting.

I ran smack into someone I knew...

...and who would know the old me.

Now this was someone who I had not physically seen in nearly fifteen years. He attended college with Scholar, which was how they met, and also how I met him. During those years in the mid nineties I saw and spend time with him a lot, mostly via proxy through Scholar. If you gave him enough information he would remember who version 1.0 of me was. Something else you should know. He has a history of being a player and a skirt chaser. Not deplorably so but once he becomes bored with her he would move on pretty fast.

So there I was just popping in the door which had me in the kitchen and he was right there in front to me. It took me a moment to figure out who he was as he was much older looking but the voice and personality were there. He had arrived that morning after I had already left for the slopes.

"Well hello! Who might you be?" He asked me.

"I'm Kelli."

"Well Kelli I am Jester. When did you get in?" I could see the interest almost immediately. [I'll call him Jester right now for the fact that he has this crazy sense of humor.]

"Last night."

"Then where have you been?"

"I was out skiing today."

"Oh, so your the skier I heard about."

"Yes I am."

"What are you doing now?"

"Well I wanted to see if the shower was free as I would really like to take one."

I managed to break that conversation off rather quickly after that, as I really wanted to take a shower. I should point out that he is not a terribly unattractive man. Being older than me, he is in fairly good shape, though he does smoke. Still had a full head of hair but it had receded back a bit.

He is intelligent, funny, and extremely charismatic but knowing his history I was totally not interested. He might be fun to talk to but it was not going to go any further.

Besides I have a BF I love very much and was certainly not going to jeopardize that. The point here is even if I was single I would keep him at arms length.

Still it was obvious he was very interested in me and once I was done getting cleaned up spent a lot of time where ever I was. He was baffled that I knew Scholar, Professor and Rogue as long as I have(which is much longer than he did) and he had never met me before. He  also could not fathom how an extremely attractive woman,  very intelligent woman, who had a great sense of humor had ended up divorced.

Over the course of Thursday evening to early Saturday morning he asked me out to dinner three separate times. All of which I politely turned down and mentioned that I was dating.

It didn't stop him at all.

But that is the nature of who he is.

However there wasn't any recognition from him that he linked me to the person I was before.

In fact Scholar even told a story that version 1.0 of me played a major role in.  He told it that way not shifting any details of the story at all. Yet he made no mention that the person in the story was also the same person sitting at the other end of the table. Jester even asked about it after the story was wrapped up.

"Hey whatever happened to that guy?

Scholar answered "I lost touch with him several years ago and have not heard from him since."

It was obvious he remember who the old me was but nothing was ever said nor any connection made that I was one in the same.

I can say he might have been persistent but he wasn't obnoxious about it. He was always polite but I always knew what his intentions were and where he wanted to go.

My guess is he finally decided to leave on Saturday because I was constantly rebuffing him and a few more people showed up including a former girlfriend of his.

I was still pretty crazy to receive that kind of attention all weekend long.

And THAT is not even the end of the story yet.

There was one other person there who came in Friday morning. I'll call her Ginger since...well...she is a ginger. Fiery red hair, pale skin and freckles to make a Wesley jealous.

Ginger is someone who I attended high school with along with Professor, Scholar and Rogue.

Again someone who knew the old version of me but was not involved with this version. It had probably been ten years since I last saw her.

She had no idea who I was and just thought I was new to the group. However over the course of Friday and Saturday, small tidbits were revealed to place just how I knew Professor, Scholar and Rogue. We were not making it hidden that I had known them for a long time, just sticking to the story that I was new for the rest of the group and that this was my first time up at the cabin. Up to where she asked me if I attended the same high school with her.

Which I think was the one item that really through her off, how could I possibly have gong to high school with those three and she not know who I was.

Which brought us to Saturday morning we were in the second cabin watching the new Doctor Who seasons(yes they got me hooked and I am just starting the David Tennant seasons) when the boys with us got called outside to rescue a stuck car.

Leaving Ginger and myself alone. I turned to look at her and she faced me, I could see the gears turning in her head(she is a highly intelligent person if a prone to a little flightiness). I asked if there was a question she had, I did so in a way I knew she might recognize. (remember you cannot change or hide facial ticks, which seems to be the only way others who knew me well can make the connection. Ginger knew the old version of me quite well and I know it was starting to each at her why she could not have met me before.

I could see the light bulb go off suddenly.

She said "Your [his name]!"

"I was, yes. How did you know?"

"Omg it was the fact Professor, Rogue, and Scholar knew who you were. I could not figure out how you could know them and I did not know you. Little tidbits of info including the fact that we all went to high school together were just bugging me. What finally did it was the mischievous little smirk you had and still do. You look so completely different and amazing, I would never have put it together otherwise."

She came around the projector and sat next to me on the couch, grabbed both of my hands and asked.

"Are you happy?"

"Extremely."

"Awesome!" She then gave me a big hug. "Don't ever let anyone ever tell you this was wrong. I think it is incredible and I am so happy for you. I am so excited to get to know you again!"

And that is finally the whole story. I had a ton of fun and ended up staying until Sunday morning. I got to ski, game(I HIGHLY recommend Cards Against Humanity if you can handle an adult natured game, you will also find out how deliciously evil your friends are), get caught up on movies and some reading. I even get hooked onto Doctor Who. I met fifteen new people in all. Four other couples and their other single friend Moe. Which I can use as that is the nickname they assigned him, since he has the same first name as Rogue. I had a lot of fun doing some light bonding with the other girls.

Almost to a person they asked if I would be back. Of which I promised that as my schedule allowed I would.

So that is just part of my wild December. There is more to come but this post has already gotten long enough.

I still marvel at it all. How I am able to just be myself how few people see anything different other than the girl that I am. Even Professor, who has spend the most time with me recently both before and after transition said something recently when I was responding to something I did.

"OMG you are such a chick!"

Things like this make it all worth it. The pain, the fear. Much of it is gone and my life feels so clear and promising before me.

That does not mean I don't get a little craziness now and again.

Here is to a brand new year.

All in the Family

While I would say that my transition has proceeded rather well. It has not all been without it's share of problems or issues.

Most notably would be my brother.

Sadly he and I have not talked since last November.

It is not like I have not tried too. In fact I attended his youngest son's graduation this last June. I was invited by not only my nephew but his mother too(my Brothers ex). Even in light of all that changed they absolutely wanted me there. My Ex-sister-in-law even moved to sit with us after she came to the ceremony. Choosing to sit with myself and my parents, than near my brother.

(My nephews and their mom were great never getting my name or nouns wrong and I even was referred to as Aunt Kelli. I did not even ask for that part I would have been happy with just Kelli.)

As for my brother, I am going to say he did not.

He remained on the other side of the auditorium from me. I caught more than a few gestures my way which did not appear flattering.

Worse still was when we all gathered outside after the conclusion of the commencement and I made a point to walk up to him and say 'hello'.

To which all i got in return was not a single word and the cold shoulder.

Which upset my father a great deal, but more on him later.

Another thing was some of my extended family, specifically the ones I mentioned here. Have not all been as accepting as first appeared.

What has tricked down to me was "Well we don't want our kids around you because it would be too confusing for them."

They have even stated one of the kids 'read' something in a certain religious text and stated he found it wrong because of this.

The truly crazy part of it is that his Aunt, my cousin who was telling me this, found it as out of character as I did. This child is so deeply rooted in logic, technology and science in a family that isn't deeply religious, that for this comment to made was incredibly odd.

Contradicting the older adult children in the family, who are more religious, who do not have an issue.

Personally I feel that this story was told as an excuse to avoid having the kids around me. That it wasn't actually said.

This is highly irritating because in all my experiences with kids, most of them(and I am referring to preteens twelve and under) will follow suit with whatever the parents do.

I even supplied this information of how to explain it to them.

"Tell them that [His name] will now be referred to as Kelli and will be a girl from this point forward. If they ask why. Then you tell them because she with the help of a few doctors felt this was medically necessary."

Children often will just say, oh okay and go back to playing. From there on out they will follow along with the parents. Most of the confusion stems from when they get told something like this and the parents fail to follow up themselves. i.e. the parents use the wrong name and the child will ask but I thought they were called [new name] now?"

It really is that simple. There is no need to elaborate on it and in time they will not ever really recall the other persona.

What this situation tells me is two things. They haven't accepted it themselves, be it they are don't want to understand it, are embarrassed, or they are disgusted by it, or feel it is wrong for whatever reason.

They simply are unwilling to talk to their kids for five minutes and go from there. Odds are few if any questions will arise. I even told them if it does come that they can bring the questions to me and I will give them an easy way to answer it if they felt they did not know how too.

Obviously they do not care. See excuses above.

Oh well. I have this odd feeling I'll find out for sure come this Christmas when we have our big family gathering on that side Christmas Eve. Most of these people would be in attendance and I do plan on going.

We shall see.

It ultimately does not matter since I know I am planning on moving out of my home state sometime in the near future. As much as I would like to hang onto family I also know I cannot make anyone like me.

The one other issue that I have been dealing with is my father. He surprised me earlier this year by finally opening up and talking to me. He allowed me to take him out for dinner on his birthday and a few other little things.

I had though that since we attended a few graduations parties and he saw the rest of the family talk to me like a normal person. Welcoming me and taking the time to get to know version 2.0 of me. That the ice started to break up a bit.

Sadly I don't think this is going to hold up since in recent weeks he has finally talked to my mom a bit and the impression I get from her is that he is not taking it well...still.

I don't know yet, her and I have a dinner scheduled soon, to catch up and she was going to discuss more of it with me then.

This is all just a sad reminder that there are some very closed minded people still out in the world. That no matter what I do they will not see past there own personal problems or beliefs. It also bothers me that they might not attend a family function just because of my presence. While they might feel relief from the issue I guarantee that they do not realize how hurtful it is to me.

This is the paradox of being trans. We go to great lengths to be ourselves. Which is hopefully a far better and happier person. Truly allowed to be ourselves. Yet the fear, misunderstandings or misguided beliefs of others will not let them treat a human being as such.

Oh well it is what it is. There is nothing I can to do make them think anything different.

Such is the life of being Trans.

Just Push...Pause?

I need a break.

Badly.

Not that life hasn't been good.

No, no, no!

It has truly been wonderful, fun and amazing.

Yes I still have to deal with some outstanding issues.

Though progress has been made on some counts. Small they might have been.

I actually stood in front of my dad, as me, for all of five minutes and chatted with him.

I wouldn't say we accomplished a lot, he still hardly talks to me but it was something.

My brother is still being a colossal jerk. He didn't even want to tell his sons about me. I guess he was pretending to ignore it. Yet he complains to my mom that I don't call him.

Gee I wonder why?

I also have been breaking rules.

Major rules.

As in I am dating.

Having been single and with all the trans stuff I had to, and will still have to deal with, I had a firm rule of not dating.

Seriously I had turned down ever single attempt to get my number or some other form of contact info.

I simply was not going to do it.

That is until now.

Why you ask?

This situation was different.

I knew of him through mutual friends. He has only ever known me, yet he does know about my past.

After several meetings through that group, we ran into each other in public on our own a couple of times over a year ago.

We never exchanged any contact info and I did not see him again until a few weeks ago. I remembered him, he was unsure about me(facial surgery and a drastic change in hair color could throw anyone off) until I mentioned something that happened once between us. He laughed, apologized for not only the incident I mentioned, but for not remembering me at first.

With that we spent the next few hours catching up and finally exchanging contact info. Which prompted an email exchange and him asking me out on a date.

Initially I was going to automatically respond with a no. As I thought about it though I realized that since I knew him, had a casual history, that it might be fun to go just to go.

No pressure to do anything, or see him again.

Plus knowing him and having spent some time with him before I trusted him.

Still don't think I was stupid. I met him at our first stop, did not let him pick me up. Met at a public place. This girl knows what she is doing.

Obviously you know how it turned out. As we are still seeing each other and so far it has been great. One of the best experiences dating I have ever had.

No I am not getting ahead of myself or planning a future. Thankfully he isn't either we are just enjoying the company and the fun. The amount of understanding between us has amazed me.

I also am moving out of my previous living arrangement into a new one. I am actually taking up the spare room with my cousin Rock Girl. She could use the extra cash and the rent is idea for me right now. Plenty of room for the two of us.

This is a huge reason I haven't been able to post. Well, yeah, dating too, but if I am not working, out with the beau, I am at her place prepping the room and closet. Not to mention moving a number of things as time and space allows.

Life is just exceedingly busy and doesn't show any signs of slowing down anytime soon.

Which is all good. I wouldn't have it any other way. I finally feel like I am living my life.

Loving it and I see nothing to slow me down.

Though a pause would be nice.

Family Matters

A long time ago I talked about a part of my family.

They were a group I was pretty close to growing up and routinely saw them for the holidays and more.

Well as I mentioned so long ago it didn't sound like I was going to get a whole lot of support from that group.

Still I needed to tell them. At this point I had Christmas Eve rapidly approaching.

Earlier in the fall I had decided that out of all my cousins I would tell the third oldest first. (We'll call her Rock Girl, since she had an affinity for 80's hair bands, still does actually).

Out of all of my cousins she was the most open minded, even though she might be the most rebellious and outspoken.

She is also the one cousin I saw and talked to more often over the last few years.

Even though, the youngest and I are closest in age.

I'll call her Brat. Really I am not kidding she gets all full of drama at the slightest thing. (more I this very thing later)

Her sisters, as I have come to find out, often don't talk about things they have done without her. Because she will have a fit they didn't invite her AND she often doesn't make the effort to talk to anyone else. She ignores everyone unless she needs something then wonders why she gets left out. The other sisters talk constantly so often a gathering was a spur of the moment event.

I am digressing.

As for the two oldest I wasn't as close to them. Rock Girl just made a lot of sense. In fact my mom agreed with my assessment.

With that we has dinner shortly before the holidays. I had tried to reach her earlier but due to the things I was doing and she was out of the country on vacation. Well, it became much later in the month of December than I would have liked.

To keep this part of the story short since there is a considerable amount to tell. Dinner went fine. She already had her suspicions well over a year ago. Listened to everything I had to say. Asked some questions herself. In all it went well.

At the end of that night I reiterated the thought that she should take her time with this and let me know what she thought about approaching the rest of her family.

Little did I know what she was going to do.

By the time she called my Sunday night word had been spread.

She had talked to her Mom and Dad on Saturday. Then most of her sisters, a couple of the husbands and few of the older kids.

O_O

From what she realized to me that most of them seemed to be ok with it.

My Aunt stated that as long as I was happy she would be ok with it.

I even got some emails from a few of them all positive.

Rock Girl even told me they all wanted me to attend Xmas eve which is a tradition with that side of the family.

I was attending this last years since my father would be in attendance and I did not want to take away from any ones holidays. Really he was doing his best to not be nice to me lately and I just was not in the mood to feel uncomfortable all evening.

Now I am sure you are thinking this is the end of the story right?

Wrong.

This is a two parter.

After getting though some of the things I had scheduled for the first month of the year. I got in touch with Rock Girl again to discuss getting together.

She happily accepted and asked me if I minded if sister or two showed up.

I was good with that and we picked a Saturday afternoon in early February.

Only we didn't get together on that Saturday.

...

We switched to Friday night for dinner at my cousin's condo(which I had not seen yet) and I notified on Thursday night that  lunch with three of my cousin's would now be all of them, two of the husbands, my oldest cousins two kids, and the son's girlfriend, along with my aunt and uncle.

That is now a head count of eleven.

Double O_O!!!

I didn't panic, though I wanted to, and I did go.

After some initial awkwardness, and with the help of a very humors moment at the dinning room table. Which consisted of my Aunt and Uncle, Rock Girl, and my eldest cousin's husband(I'll call him Jester because he is such a goof ball). The tension broke and everyone slowly drifted to the dinning area.

Rock Girl and I talked about this after everyone else had left. We both were thinking the same thing early on. That this was not going to go well. I can't say it was a rousing success but it went far better than I thought.

The following week I got some great responses from my Eldest cousin's kids. The oldest of which was supper sweet and she even told me she liked this version of me a lot better. My Aunt told Rock Girl this: "She is so in her element now.  So relaxed and happy.  You can see just by mannerisms it where she is meant to be." Even my Uncle upon meeting me was ok with it. I think meeting me and seeing how normal I really am makes a huge difference.

I even got a huge hug from him a few weeks later when I saw him and he asked me "How is my favorite niece doing?" Made my whole day! Nay, my whole month!

The Brat however has been a little put out with me for not telling her first and correcting her once when she got the pronouns wrong. Rock Girl told me not to take it personally because I didn't do anything wrong. She also agrees I will have to correct people when they get it wrong. I have to get people to think differently. I am not mean about it. Yet the Brat took it personally.

Since then I have been able to go out shopping with Rock Girl and even meet some more of the extended family on my Aunt's side(I mostly only see these people at graduations and funerals.

All in All reactions as I have met family have been positive and far better than what my father and brother have done. I get that it is hard, but you don't have to be complete jerks about it.

In other news I have had some extended cousins on my mom's side of the family. They have been super kind in with their words and when a few of them return back to the area for Easter weekend want to have dinner with me. I have also heard from my mom that a few other aunt and uncles on her side want to meet me too.

After the depressing results I have had in some cases, and the crippling fears, I have been very pleasantly surprised with what has transpired in recent weeks.

No, not everyone is on board but today I have far more supporting me than I did before.

And that is a good thing.

Brunch with B

This past weekend I finally had the chance to catch up with B.

He is back to first shift and loving it.

I am done with a lot of heaving lifting but I wasn't ready for a night out on the town.

Really with being only two weeks removed from surgery at that point 10pm comes and I am out of steam.

We did do lunch on Sunday. This is something we had done quite a few times in the past.

After lunch we descended on a favorite watering hole of his to catch up some more and see some other friends.

I know I surprised him at the restaurant when he saw the new hair color.

Took him a bit but he liked it.

He also took in the fact I was more comfortable with my hoodie being unzipped a little lower.

But the most telling was what he said shortly before I left.

"Kelli, You're different."

"Oh dear what did I do?"

"Oh, you did nothing wrong."

"Then why do you say I am different."

"Because you are. There is the quiet calm confidence about you now."

"Oh because I got a new hair color and boobs?"

"No, I am sure that helps, but that isn't it."

{Pause}

"Maybe it is the fact that for the first time in our entire history together that I go home today and I don't have to change back. That I get to just be me and I am better off for it. There is no anxiety, sadness, or depression to fight anymore."

"That is probably it, I just notice that you are far more relaxed and at ease today than I have ever seen you."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Oh yes. I like it. A lot!"

I love B. He has a way of saying things at just the right time. Even though he probably doesn't even realize that I need it said. (I probably didn't either)

His comment brought a huge smile to my face even though I know I had to leave shortly after I said it.

Yet he is right I am different I probably just don't even notice it.

I do feel it. More so the lack of all the bad stuff I was always dealing with. Which probably always seemed to weight me down. It is all just gone.

It was wonderful to see him again and since then we have already made plans to go out to see his cousin C in a few weeks. He and I will do Friday and Saturday night with her and the DJ.

I am so looking forward to it.

Catching Up Part I: The Trip

Recently I mentioned taking a trip down to Florida to spend some time with a very dear friend and her family.

I don't have many friends right now and worse still, other than my mom, I have lost my sense of family.

In addition to that, over the last four years I haven't really met many trans individuals that I would call close friends. About six or so that I talk to with any kind of regularity. Two that I would consider dear friends.

One of them, however means so much to me that the only way I can accurately explain our relationship is to describe her as my sister.

It is truly just that.

She appeared out of nowhere with an email.

I didn't know why at first.

Until I discovered she had been reading my blog.

Even stranger.

I realized I had been reading hers.

Even though I have talked to a number of people who contacted me through my blog and email address. For some reason(I can only think it was meant to be) her and I immediately identified with the other. We also realized that even though we have encountered a number of people during the course of this journey that here was finally someone we really and truly identified with.

We found a bit of ourself in each other.

From there the friendship blossomed even though we live nearly two thousand miles apart. The truly incredible part was that we were transitioning at nearly the same pace. Though I would always joke with her that I was about six months behind her. (This came true as she went full time June of this year and I am going full time in January, roughly six months later.)

When last year I decided at the last minute to attend a trans conference in Atlanta it was for two reason. One I needed a break from my home life and some of my distress. Two, and more importantly, was she was going to be there.

She had actually asked me weeks earlier if I was going. At that time I wasn't planning on it but after events leading up to it prompted the need for a bit of a getaway.

I really would have rather gone elsewhere but here was an opportunity to finally stand in front of each other face to face.

I took it.

Even though I was terrified that she would not like me as much in person.

That is the truth.

Far from it and even though we were constantly pulled in different directions for the course of that weekend we got to spend some time around each other and together.

I can only speak for myself but I know she was everything I thought she was and more.

Since then the friendship has done nothing but grown.

As I have said, she is my sister, in far more than just being trans, but it is the only word I can think of. Besides it is true.

She is.

So this summer as my family structure was eroding and after disclosing to a number of friends and loosing their friendship. She learned that I was mostly likely spending my holidays by myself (Remember this was before Brandon's cousin C extended an invite to her thanksgiving dinner).

Almost without hesitation she invited me down to Florida to spend it with her family. There were some logistical issues and such to work out but needless to say I was speechless at the invitation.

Her words: "You are more than my friend you are family. You shouldn't be alone for the holidays."

Thus after spending a few weeks sorting out my personal schedule. Clearing the idea with my mom(She was disappointed but also understanding of what this meant to me and encouraged it). Finding a decent fare for a plane ticket down. I accepted.

It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Even though I am still awaiting my court date for name change and working through the process to start working full time. I knew I was going to spend the week as me. Flying down to Florida. Cooking dinner with her family. Spending time with her kids and getting to know her parents. To attending a football game at her Alma mater(she is a undergrad and graduate there and a booster).

I had a wonderful time.

Even though I was pulled in many different directions. From accompanying them to work. (I think I failed to mention I was wrangled into working on three different computers there.) Getting to learn to cook a thanksgiving turkey (I had never had the opportunity to do so before). Playing games and teaching one to the kids. To meeting her co-workers(my sister has her own accounting firm) whom I bribed with shortbread cookies I baked the night before just in case my charming personality didn't win them over. Along with surprising her parents when they realized I was the Kelli that had been mentioned to them and that I wasn't living full time yet. They wanted to know how it was possible I was still going to work as a boy.

In all it was just a wonderful week to be myself. I enjoyed meeting new people playing, silly yard games while tailgating, to talking with my sisters oldest daughter. Who caught me totally of guard when she walked into the bathroom one morning when I was working on my hair. I, who was sharing one with the kids, naturally thought she needed to use it and asked her such.

She said no, proceed to close the lid on the commode and use it as a chair and opened up conversation with me. Talking about anything and everything. It was just nice to share that time with another girl(even if she is thirteen). Which just went along with the week I had with everyone.

The entire trip was worth every cent I paid for it with the experiences and growth I had a person and me. I never felt self conscious or out of place. My sister even told me how proud she was of me just being myself. That I came out very natural.

Though she did mention to me that I seemed a little awkward when greeting new people. I told her it was just a personality trait. That I really never know the right or wrong way to greet someone for the first time. It is something I have stumbled with my entire life regardless of my trans issues. Once I get past that though, I did find I was a lot quicker to talk to people and have a conversation in the past.

I wasn't quite as shy and quiet at I normally am. I had some great conversations with people because I was able to let myself go.

My favorite part of the who long weekend?

When I wasn't so much asked as I was told I needed to come back next year.

It may sound odd, but that time allowed me to regain some sense of family. I know they aren't mine by birth but I honestly felt a part of it. No one ever made me feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. Quite the opposite in fact.

So the answer to the question about next year?

It is already on my vacation schedule for that week.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Today I am getting out of dodge.

I get to hop on a plane and fly to visit a dear friend and her family for the holiday.

Since I am not being invited to my parents (because of dad). Oh well. I know I will catch up with mom later.

In the mean time I will get to fly down as me. Spend a number of days soaking up the sun. Sharing time with friends. Then come back. All as me.

But most importantly I hope I am charging up the soul's batteries. Since when I come back I will be down to just over thirty days left before full time. Not to mention the department at large finding out. I could probably really use the boost.

I will post when I get back about how it all goes and hopefully have some stories.

See you all soon.

Teardrops on My Pillow

Two weekends ago I got a call from my Brother on Friday night.

Sadly I had been kind of avoiding him. I felt bad about it but I just felt that if I did talk to him it would turn in a direction that would be uncomfortable and awkward at best.

Yet I felt compelled to answer it this time thinking I should stop and actually talk to him for a change.

It could not have been a worse decision.

Now it didn't start of bad. He brought up his favorite topic. The local NHL team that we are both huge fans of. Discussing things about the team the some of the issues they have been dealing with. Etc.

Nothing earth shattering with that. I don't mind it either for a couple of reasons. First if it gets a person comfortable talking to me, good. Second, talking about something familiar is always a good thing.

Well it didn't last long.

Sadly we got into what is going on with me.

I don't have a problem talking about it. I informed him of where I was at and what was happening.

I could hear some sadness in his voice, I assume in regards to losing his little brother. I made mention that he is gaining a little sister in the process. Not really sure that went over very well. I am trying to get people to look on the brighter side of things.

I know I have had to otherwise I would have lost my mind a long time ago.

We kept on this line of thinking and discussing the changes coming when the worst happened.

He interrupted me and started saying how he didn't understand how I could ever look like a woman. To the point that he actually started laughing about it and attempting to compare me to a famous model.

Did I mention he laughed?

It wasn't an uncomfortable laugh either. It was a plain cold laugh of 'you are going to look so ridiculous and I cannot believe you are doing this' laugh.

It hurt.

A lot.

If fact I think I was crying for the rest of the entire call.

I did manage to hide that. I also responded.

First I told him how unfair it was that he would compare me to someone else. Let alone a super model.

Really?

In today's day and age models are all what they appear.

Cindy Crawford once famously stated she wished she looked like Cindy Crawford.

Thus holding me to an impossible standard wasn't fair at all.

I was simply trying to be me.

I did my best to explain to him that even when I am trying to be a boy. I hardly if ever get identified as a boy. Nope I almost always get viewed as a girl these days no matter how I am dressed.

I also did my best to convey the idea that when dressed up a bit. I seem to attract a fair amount of attention and advances.

People seem to think I am pretty. So why should I accept what he thinks.

I understand he is struggling with it. I didn't get angry or mad at him. I just tried to tell him that no matter what he thought it wasn't what everyone else thinks.

As if he is one to judge at all. He ignored his family, ended up getting divorced, moving to the ends of the earth, hardly sees anyone or his kids, and now complains about how lonely he is.

Like this really make him a pillar of how to live life and judge others. What exactly has he done?

Nothing.

Yet he is my brother. I would like him to remain my brother. He can be a great person when he wants to be. I have learned and experienced a lot from him. Even if it was the wrong thing to do.

I just didn't need this now.

Plus as hard as I tried I wanted to end the conversation and get off the phone. I really didn't want to talk to him anymore after we went through all that.

Sadly I spent almost another hour on the phone after that. Still getting teased and laughed at.

I finally made a plea to get some sleep as it was late, and I got him to let me go.

It hurt.

It still hurts today.

I try not to dwell on it because in the long run his opinion will not matter much.

Maybe one day it he will see it, maybe he won't.

But I am not living my life for him anymore.

I am doing it for me.

No one ever likes to be laughed at, in that manner.

Worse still as it came from family.

I know I cried myself to sleep that night.

Shopping With Mom

Ok, I realize this post is long overdue.

Really I am sorry, life have been busy, busy, busy.

I think I have mentioned that.

Yep, I did.

(Sheepishly I will admit to accidentally deleting my original draft. Hey, I did say it was an accident. Sheesh!!!)

However, without further ado I give you the complete story of what happened when I went shopping with mom.

First even though I got up early, gave myself plenty of time to eat breakfast, shower, dress, hair and a bit of makeup. That guy Murphy decided to make an appearance.

I got three phone calls. Had to sit on hold for half an hour with a support desk. Talk with two different people. (which makes doing your hair and makeup really, really challenging. I managed to leave my house only a half hour later then I wanted to. Which would put me about 15 minutes late in meeting my mom.

I did have to stop at the ATM first and I was originally leaving with enough time to do that and get there on time.

Did I mention that guy Murphy? Yeah he and I are so not friends.

So once in the car I gave my mom's cell a quick ring. Now I should not I have never used my voice in front of her.

"Hello?"

"Hi? Are you there? (Mom can be a little cell phone challenged)

"Yes.   Who is this?"

"LOL!! It's your daughter!"

"{pause} OH!!! Did something happen?"

"No but I am running a bit behind. Long story but I will be there about 15 to 20 minutes late."

"Oh, ok, don't worry I am just leaving myself so I will be a little late too."

"Ok, I will see you then."

I guess when your own mother doesn't recognize your voice on the phone you know it has changed. Too funny.

After a quick trip to the bank and the twenty-five minute drive over to that side of town. I pulled up next to my mother waiting in her car at the prearranged location.

Now I parked on the near side of her so my car was between us as I got out. This gave me the chance straighten myself out before I walked around the car to meet her.

I should note here that was simply in some jeans, sneakers, tunic sweater, scarf(it was cold that day), and my lighter sport jacket. Really I was shopping and other than dealing with the scarf from time to time. I wanted something cute but able to get in and out of quickly for changing.

Proceeding around the car I stopped in front of her and said 'Hi Mom!'

She stopped, took me in, grew a big smile on her face and came forward to give me a hug. Then she stepped back and said I looked good. Different but good.

We proceeded to walk into Nordstroms which is at one end of the outdoor mall that we were at.

{If you are not familiar with outdoor malls leaving each store takes you outside to a cobblestone or paved walkway. Even though the stores are facing each other as they would in a typical mall you are always outside moving between store. I like the idea but here in the Midwest it can be challenging but on crisp winter days it can be really need especially with all the decorations outside.}

I like Nordstroms because I can afford some of the stuff in there and they usually have a good sampling of current trends. If I find something I like but it is too expensive I keep the item in mind as I hit other store. Still I do buy a fair amount from them because I typically am never disappointed in the selection, quality and the service. There is a story about this coming later in the is post.

As we entered the first set of doors. I stopped for a minute adjusted my hair, as it was windy this day, and straighten my purse. I turned to my mom before we went in the second set of doors if she knew what the rules for the day were.

She looked me and smiled stating that I was Kelli and that I was her daughter for the day. No other names or pronouns were to be used. I love my mom, but she can be frustrating and stubborn at times so with a sigh of relief, knowing she was aware. I started to go in. Yet she stopped me, with yet another smile and said: "It shouldn't be too hard for me, you do look really good, and cute I might add."

This totally broke the ice with me and I was fine for the rest of the day. Really I was relaxed and totally at ease the rest of the day.

Mom was great, really she was. We were there for a total of five hours and during that entire time she only slipped once. Really I couldn't even get upset because she caught herself and I could totally tell it was just force of habit that caused it. Think about it I have been her son for almost thirty-seven years. Old habit die hard, but I cannot complain when since that was the only issue. She even referred to me as her daughter to sales people and other shoppers and I went through the stores. I could not have asked anymore from her.

She like what I was shopping for as I was looking to increase my wardrobe with things I could wear to work, and I was picking out things that looked tasteful and good on me. While being a bit stylish here and there. Plus I was looking for pieces I could use with other things that I already had in my closet.

I think my second favorite part was I found a really nice winter coat that I could use for casual or dress if I needed to and it was very reasonably priced at Nordstroms. I was complaining about my figure when I took my jacket off and she saw all of me underneath without being hidden by the bulky coat. Her eyes popped and then gently chided me about even complaining. I laughed and said my shoulders were a bit bulkier and wider for someone my height than if I had been born a girl. I noticed that when trying certain tops on and jackets and coats are the trickiest for me.

She just chuckled and told me I was being silly but then smirked and said: "Well you are just like any other woman, there is always something they complain about."

LOL!

Remember the scarf? Well when I was looking at coats and jackets I took it off a minute so it wouldn't interfere. Mom told me not to untie it thinking I would have a hard time redoing it. I chuckled at her and told her not to worry. Which became clear when I went to retie it and I through it over my shoulders brought it back around front and did this little pretzel style knot in it.

She looked at me and immediately wanted to know how I learned that. I told her I looked it up and that I knew a few others too. Then proceeded to demonstrate two other before going back to my original look. She laughed and told me I had to teach her how to do that.

I haven't had much time to talk with her after this but through the day and even at lunch my mom look completely relax and that might have had something to do with that I was relaxed myself. It took me a long time but I really am at peace with myself and probably more pleasant and comfortable to be with. We laughed about a few things. She chided me for my clothing fussiness and I teased her about being a mom.

My favorite part was when she had to leave (she is nearly 68) and was tired but gave me a big hug and told me she was really proud and told me I surprised her with what I looked like and stated I was going to be just fine.

My mom is can be difficult and opinionated, trust me I know myself first hand. But I also hear it second hand from various parts of the family. Still she had been a huge boost and supporter of me through all this. I think that even though I know she can be a pain, we are getting along better because I am not at odds with myself as much so than I am not at odds as much with her.

I am glad I went. I am glad I enjoyed myself and I am glad my mom finally got to meet me. I feel it went a long way with her. I know I will find out when I talk to her in about a week when we do the usual dinner thing.

Oh and before I go the coat thing. After going to several other store to see if I could find something else we returned to Nordstroms to look at the coat again. Mom and I agreed it look really good on me and it fit the best. The issue was the zipper would pull itself open after I had zipped it closed. With almost no effort really. So I asked the sales girl about it and she looked at it, told me to hold on a second.

She went and called Alteration's they sent a person up looked at the issue and said they would replace the zipper. She looked at me and said 'no cost' but did ask how soon I needed it. I just said if they could have it done this week that would be great. She said that wasn't a problem and after taking my name and information (yes I am registered in Nordstroms computer as Kelli) took the jacket and I got an alteration receipt.

For a coat that was $130(see not always the most price), knee length, they replaced the entire zipper at no cost to make the sale. Both the alterations person and my sale girl told me Nordstroms refuses to sell faulty merchandise. Even that if anything ever needed alterations they do them for at no cost.

Service there has always been superb and I never have been dissatisfied with anything I have ever purchased. Yes I cannot spend too much there but sometimes they are totally worth it.

It was a very productive day in more ways than one.

It Isn't Always Rainbows and Lollipops

Even though I have had been lucky enough to generally have good reactions to telling people about me, it hasn't all been wonderful.

I still haven't heard from my friend J since the night I told her.

My bother, while still talking to me, obviously doesn't want to deal with the issue.

But the worst thing I have come to realize is that I may never see my father in person again.

How do I know this?

My mom called me last night to tell me her Aunt and godmother passed way. She was my Grandmother's sister.

I haven't seen much of the side of the family in the last ten years but I do remember them and I used to see them rather frequently.

So when my mom gave me the news I asked her to tell me when to arrangements would be made and where I needed to be without thinking.

It appears that wasn't the best idea.

I could hear the distress in her voice as she told me that I probably should not come to the viewing.

There was obvious pain in her words regarding it. It had nothing to do with me and my situation. She actually said she would have asked her cousin(this was her mother who passed) if I could come to the viewing, as she already knows about me.

It was the simple fact that my Father would be the problem. My mom told me flat out that if I needed to come around and work on their computer my dad would make himself scarce.

She also let me know that the idea of having me over one weekend after thanksgiving, since they are going to visit my brother and I am visiting friends, isn't going to happen either.

It was her hope that she could have gotten my father to sit down with me and try to at least see me. She simply wants him to acknowledge me as a person. As a daughter or child was another matter but if she could start there that would be a positive step.

I even told her I would do it. Even it if got painful or ugly I would at least make the effort.

My dad doesn't want to.

I could hear the pain in my mom's voice as she said this too me. She knows I am still going to talk to her. That even though I have changed I am still her child and still mostly the person she remembers. Just with a few changes.

I know she trying her best but I also know she is feeling like her family is being torn apart.

I don't blame my mom for telling me I should not come. She didn't want my dad and I to make a scene at a funeral, though that would be on him. I wasn't going to start anything and would probably try to walk away if it did. I completely agree with mom since that isn't the time or place for anything.  So I will stay home and send my condolences from afar.

The sobering thought when I hung up with my mom was that this type of event might be the only time I get to see my dad again and not in the manner I would want to.

This means that even though I have had some wonderful friends, been able to take the steps I have to finally be happy and myself, it doesn't come with out it's share of pain, heartache and loss.

As the title of this post states...

...It isn't always rainbows and lollipops.

No Dinner With Mom?

As you might now if you have been following along. I have been having dinner with my mom once a month. Mostly this is due to the fact that as of right now I am not welcome around my father. His issue and Mom is working on him but she knows it will take time.

She surprised me during our last dinner when she said she didn't care if my Dad ever acknowledge me as his child or even daughter but she did want him to be able to acknowledge me as a person. She is determined on that part and figures if she can get him that far the rest might fall in line behind it.

Kudos to Mom for at least starting there and working her way up. Who knows if anything will ever happen.

Now we had been meeting once a month on the first Wednesday of that month. However she called me during the week before last weekend to ask if I could move our meeting to the Wednesday after.

I am ok with that as it does occasionally need to happen.

Know this though that up until now I we had been meeting mid week on a Wednesday and since I work south of where I live and she lives north of where I live, I was generally racing out of work to meet her around six pm. Which meant I had always been doing the work/boy mode thing.

Over the weekend I thought about this and on Sunday night I called her back.

I asked her if she would be interested in doing something different than dinner.

She said sure.

I then asked her if she wanted to go shopping either this Saturday or next which ever worked better for her.

She said she would love too.

I next asked her: "You do realize why I am asking this and what is going to happen if we do, right?"

"I am going to meet my Daughter?"

"Yes. Are you ok with this?"

"Of course I was going to have to meet you at some point. I have been looking forward to it."

"Lol why didn't you say so? We could have done this earlier."

"I was waiting for you to ask."

LOL! I told her I had been waiting for her to suggest she was ready. We laughed about it and set it for the second Saturday.

So in just under two weeks I am going shopping with my mom. And she is going to met me for the very first time.

I am excite, nervous and scared all at the same time. The good news was my mom seemed very enthusiastic about it and willing. Which helps.

We will see how it goes and I am sure there will be a story.

I mean how could there not be?