Sweeping the Ashes

 “Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." - Gilda Radner

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” - Marilyn Monroe

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” - Anaïs Nin

Rather interesting quotes.

In light of current developments they are quite apropos.

I have had some good experiences lately.

Some of them have been great, even amazing. Life can do that when you are actually able to live it.

However I feel it is important to point out that it is a double edged sword. While life can be amazing and spectacular. It can also be trying and miserable.

Life is going to always throw shit at you, how you handle it defines your character.

I should probably get to the point of this post. Simply put, there are going to be times where you can do nothing about something other than be sad.

No, no one has died.

I simply find myself a single girl these days.

For those that have missed it I have been dating for a little over a year and a half. Twenty Months?

Recently I decided to end it.

Why?

It was not working for me.

What makes it most interesting was not how I was generally being treated. The boy had come into my life and charmed me silly. During a period of time in my life that I absolutely did not want to date.

Full time was rather new to me and he appreciated my company so much that he refused to allow me to use my Trans status as a crutch to limit myself. I grew so much as a person and very likely accelerated getting over my Trans hangups.

There were two problems though.

First,

I have commitment issues. I will not deny this and I still have a long way to go to resolving them. My prior relationship had turned toxic, then bottomed out at the end. It left me rather deeply emotionally scarred. I know why some of it happened. I will take the blame for things I did. It just never was a healthy relationship and I often felt like as soon as I entered it I was told what to do and when.

Regardless that is a story I will not delve into out of respect for those involved.

Suffice it to say, I was still left with the aftermath.

Couple that with the emotional trauma of transition and I will freely admit I was not always in the best place mentally.

Which had me in a no dating position when I met him.

He managed to get me to change my mind about that.

Still a year later when he wanted to move in together. I ended up having a complete panic attack{link?}.

It was not him it was me. I was and still am too scared to do it.

I need more time to deal with that.

There was also the issue that I knew what he wanted. I knew not that long into it. He had felt he had met the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Without a shadow of a doubt. It was so obvious that not only did I know it, others did.

Many of my friend who had met him would go on to tell me later something similar to the follow:

"It is obvious that boy adores you."

This added to the growing pressure I felt in the situation.

There were a few moments that I put my foot down. I had to point out that even though I had grown as a person. I still had old wounds and emotional scars that were not going to be easily healed. I begged for a slow down in some things. Asked him not to mention others. It was an attempt to allow me to adjust while giving me time to deal with my fears.

Still the pressure was always there. His family often already assumed we were engaged and what not.

It had grown to be too much no matter how hard I tried to prevent it.

In addition to all this we lost the ability to communicate effectively. I think some of my fears and outside pressure had me getting defensive again. I often felt I had to be crisp to shut down or cut off certain ideas before they gained traction. It also did not help that he is still very young. He has a wisdom beyond his years but his maturity did not always match up.

All of this lead to more and more arguments or feeling of bitterness from both sides.

It finally reached a break point and I discussed things with him, found I was getting nowhere. Frustrated and hurt I decided I needed to walk away so that I could catch my breath.

Thus I ended it.

I do not think that it would be that hard to figure out that it did not go well.

One would think that with Thirty-nine years of life and wisdom of the past to draw upon, that a situation like this could be handled better.

It was not.

I know I broke his heart. I am not proud of myself for it. I will have to live with the guilt and pain of it for quite sometime.

I also knew that I needed some time, pressure free, to be myself. To relax and enjoy life. I have learned and gained so much, with a lot of help from him. Yet I just need to spend some time living life free of anything but death and taxes as they say.

I do miss him. I cannot say that I do not. It still has been such a relief for me that I know it was the right decision.

I often said he might have been the right person, just at the wrong time.

The reason I am telling you this story is for a number of reasons.

First life can be difficult. Trans or not. As much as I have been happy post transition there is still fallout, hurt and shitty things life throws at you to deal with. It is not all rainbows and puppies.

Sometimes things simply suck and you have to deal with them. It is not always total bliss.

I also know that I have issues still inside to work out. Most of these are the type that take time. I have talked to my therapist about them we have discussed them, but these are deep and will take a lot of work.

I would never go back to who I was, but I am still adjusting to who I am now. It has been wondrous and interesting.

And sometimes it is a bitch.

When the Music Dies

I think I was eleven or twelve. Maybe somewhere in between.

I was visiting some of my cousins that day.

One who is almost four years older than me grabbed me all of a sudden.

"OMG I have something you have to hear!"

She knew I was starting to get into music. We saw a lot of each other back then so she thought she had something I would like to listen to.

She was right.

I had been hearing more and more hip-hop and rap.

While not a favorite sound there was some cool stuff starting to come out. (this was the mid eighties after all)

You could see the development and growth of it right in front of your eyes.

Still I was very picky with what I listen to at that time. That would change in the coming years but this was different.

What she played for me blew my mind. I was enthralled. We listen to the entire album while sitting her room.

It was short and we had the time.

My musical life changed that day.

Almost immediately I asked her who it was.

She told me.

I asked if they had been around before.

"No they are brand new."

I was hooked.

This trio of artist where nothing like I ever heard or would ever hear again.

It took me some time and scheming to get myself a copy of that first album as my parents would not let my buy it at that time.

I know I wore out at least one copy of that tape.

Then came their second album.

Still one of my favorites to this day. It was without a doubt their magnum opus. We will never hear an album made like that ever again. The multiple layers of sampling they used would not be allowed today with out a mountain of legal wrangling. If original artists would even agree to it.

I know I had both of these on one cassette tape at some point.

I am pretty sure I wore that out too.

I have several of their songs memorized. Lyric for Lyric.

Then with all the legal craziness they turned the hip-hop/rap community on their ear again with their third album.

They knew how to play instruments. So they did. Using them to great backing riffs and beats. Sounds lawyers could not complain about.

This one landed about the time grunge appeared. Thus the record was often mislabeled in the wrong genre.

People just didn't understand what they were doing.

Always challenging their sound, their listeners, even while still distinctly sounding like themselves.

Their subsequent work never stop entertaining me. I always eagerly looked forward to a new release buy a copy as soon as I could make it to a store or pre-ordering it.

I still listen to all their discs to this day.

They were one of my favorite groups and I was a huge fan. I got so many friends hooked on them simply because I listened to them.

That all changed.

This last Friday one of the three succumbed to an long battle with illness.

When I heard the news I was frozen.

I just sat there.

Numb.

I knew how much their music meant to me. Music was always an escape for me when I was younger. It allowed me to take my mind off of things. Distracting me I would focus on the music to forget thinking about me.

I listen to a lot of different things.

But theirs was always some of the most listen too.

Yet this last Friday I realized that this group as I had come to know and love was gone.

I would never again experience their amazingly creative brand of music as I had known it. The radical creativity, the unique craziness that they dared, and always seemed to succeed at.

Not to mention a part of my childhood died.

There are really no words to describe how much this will be missed.

Today the world is a sadder place. Even with being a fan of their music there idea and creativity influences so much of the musical world today. Just go look out at the other artist acknowledging just how huge this lose is.

All I can say is he will be missed and the group will never be the same without him.

Teardrops on My Pillow

Two weekends ago I got a call from my Brother on Friday night.

Sadly I had been kind of avoiding him. I felt bad about it but I just felt that if I did talk to him it would turn in a direction that would be uncomfortable and awkward at best.

Yet I felt compelled to answer it this time thinking I should stop and actually talk to him for a change.

It could not have been a worse decision.

Now it didn't start of bad. He brought up his favorite topic. The local NHL team that we are both huge fans of. Discussing things about the team the some of the issues they have been dealing with. Etc.

Nothing earth shattering with that. I don't mind it either for a couple of reasons. First if it gets a person comfortable talking to me, good. Second, talking about something familiar is always a good thing.

Well it didn't last long.

Sadly we got into what is going on with me.

I don't have a problem talking about it. I informed him of where I was at and what was happening.

I could hear some sadness in his voice, I assume in regards to losing his little brother. I made mention that he is gaining a little sister in the process. Not really sure that went over very well. I am trying to get people to look on the brighter side of things.

I know I have had to otherwise I would have lost my mind a long time ago.

We kept on this line of thinking and discussing the changes coming when the worst happened.

He interrupted me and started saying how he didn't understand how I could ever look like a woman. To the point that he actually started laughing about it and attempting to compare me to a famous model.

Did I mention he laughed?

It wasn't an uncomfortable laugh either. It was a plain cold laugh of 'you are going to look so ridiculous and I cannot believe you are doing this' laugh.

It hurt.

A lot.

If fact I think I was crying for the rest of the entire call.

I did manage to hide that. I also responded.

First I told him how unfair it was that he would compare me to someone else. Let alone a super model.

Really?

In today's day and age models are all what they appear.

Cindy Crawford once famously stated she wished she looked like Cindy Crawford.

Thus holding me to an impossible standard wasn't fair at all.

I was simply trying to be me.

I did my best to explain to him that even when I am trying to be a boy. I hardly if ever get identified as a boy. Nope I almost always get viewed as a girl these days no matter how I am dressed.

I also did my best to convey the idea that when dressed up a bit. I seem to attract a fair amount of attention and advances.

People seem to think I am pretty. So why should I accept what he thinks.

I understand he is struggling with it. I didn't get angry or mad at him. I just tried to tell him that no matter what he thought it wasn't what everyone else thinks.

As if he is one to judge at all. He ignored his family, ended up getting divorced, moving to the ends of the earth, hardly sees anyone or his kids, and now complains about how lonely he is.

Like this really make him a pillar of how to live life and judge others. What exactly has he done?

Nothing.

Yet he is my brother. I would like him to remain my brother. He can be a great person when he wants to be. I have learned and experienced a lot from him. Even if it was the wrong thing to do.

I just didn't need this now.

Plus as hard as I tried I wanted to end the conversation and get off the phone. I really didn't want to talk to him anymore after we went through all that.

Sadly I spent almost another hour on the phone after that. Still getting teased and laughed at.

I finally made a plea to get some sleep as it was late, and I got him to let me go.

It hurt.

It still hurts today.

I try not to dwell on it because in the long run his opinion will not matter much.

Maybe one day it he will see it, maybe he won't.

But I am not living my life for him anymore.

I am doing it for me.

No one ever likes to be laughed at, in that manner.

Worse still as it came from family.

I know I cried myself to sleep that night.

It Isn't Always Rainbows and Lollipops

Even though I have had been lucky enough to generally have good reactions to telling people about me, it hasn't all been wonderful.

I still haven't heard from my friend J since the night I told her.

My bother, while still talking to me, obviously doesn't want to deal with the issue.

But the worst thing I have come to realize is that I may never see my father in person again.

How do I know this?

My mom called me last night to tell me her Aunt and godmother passed way. She was my Grandmother's sister.

I haven't seen much of the side of the family in the last ten years but I do remember them and I used to see them rather frequently.

So when my mom gave me the news I asked her to tell me when to arrangements would be made and where I needed to be without thinking.

It appears that wasn't the best idea.

I could hear the distress in her voice as she told me that I probably should not come to the viewing.

There was obvious pain in her words regarding it. It had nothing to do with me and my situation. She actually said she would have asked her cousin(this was her mother who passed) if I could come to the viewing, as she already knows about me.

It was the simple fact that my Father would be the problem. My mom told me flat out that if I needed to come around and work on their computer my dad would make himself scarce.

She also let me know that the idea of having me over one weekend after thanksgiving, since they are going to visit my brother and I am visiting friends, isn't going to happen either.

It was her hope that she could have gotten my father to sit down with me and try to at least see me. She simply wants him to acknowledge me as a person. As a daughter or child was another matter but if she could start there that would be a positive step.

I even told her I would do it. Even it if got painful or ugly I would at least make the effort.

My dad doesn't want to.

I could hear the pain in my mom's voice as she said this too me. She knows I am still going to talk to her. That even though I have changed I am still her child and still mostly the person she remembers. Just with a few changes.

I know she trying her best but I also know she is feeling like her family is being torn apart.

I don't blame my mom for telling me I should not come. She didn't want my dad and I to make a scene at a funeral, though that would be on him. I wasn't going to start anything and would probably try to walk away if it did. I completely agree with mom since that isn't the time or place for anything.  So I will stay home and send my condolences from afar.

The sobering thought when I hung up with my mom was that this type of event might be the only time I get to see my dad again and not in the manner I would want to.

This means that even though I have had some wonderful friends, been able to take the steps I have to finally be happy and myself, it doesn't come with out it's share of pain, heartache and loss.

As the title of this post states...

...It isn't always rainbows and lollipops.

Letting Go

One of the hardest things I have face during transition is letting go of things I enjoy doing.

Not because I could not do them or feel they would be something I shouldn't do. Usually these are social events.

No, mostly it is because that something was established as him. Which considering all the changes has become awkward when I have to make an appearance.

So generally I decline.

Yet when something that comes around like this weekend it is affecting me more then I can imagine.

For the last eight years have been attending a summer BBQ and cookout that was sponsored by a technology website I was an early member of. When a large group of us realized we were in the same state we decided to get together and meet face to face.

The interesting part was that this was a group of geeks and computer techs so that first year it became quite obvious rather quickly no one knew how to cook.

Well at least no one else.

I realized that if I was going to even attend this I was going to have to do the cooking.

Which didn't bother me actually as entertaining and cooking for others is something that I love to do. It just came natural.

The really fun part for me over the years was the increased challenges to what I was cooking. Early on since I had no idea how this was going to turn out, I kept it to hamburgers and hot dogs.

Granted I hand make and pre-season my hamburger patties. Plus I know some local meat shops that produce amazing sausages, brats and hot dogs.

We had twenty people show up that year and everyone enjoyed the food.

The following year we doubled our numbers.

Third year I brought something new to the table. Literally.

Baby back BBQ ribs. This is a family recipe that, up to that point few had ever tasted. Though that first years I could only prepare a limited number they were a huge hit. In fact they requested I make them from then on.

Not to toot my own horn but they are really good. People always want the recipe when they try them for the first time.

However we were growing in size. People were starting to come in from surrounding states and even as far away as Texas, California, and New York. The backyard that was hosting it was getting to small and I was going to have to make a lot more ribs.

One of the attendees stepped up to solve the hosting issues as his family had lake front property on the other side of the state we could use. Plus he came through for me renting a grill large enough for me to attempt eighteen slabs of ribs at once.

They do take six hours to cook so it is not like I can do them in multiple batches.

And I managed to do it then and for the next four years.

However things changed.

Last year was awkward for me. Since I only see these people once a year and I was changing rather dramatically at this point my appearance was confusing most of them.

As they were standing five feet from me asking were I was or should I say him. Even though I was right there. In front of them and they were looking right at me. I really kept to myself mostly and avoided the camera if at all possible.

This year seeing as how I can't even fool anyone I am could be a boy, but not feeling finished with my transition, I emailed the host and politely declined my invitation this year. Without the why.

Needless to say when the announcement was made the website message boards went crazy. Though nothing bad was said it was obvious I was going to be missed but people were nice in saying not to worry about it take care of me first and they would see me soon.

I have a lot to do still, I have bigger things happening right now as I expected. I was good with it. Plus it is a family event now and I simply didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable with my presence.

I was at peace with my decision and thought I would talk to the organizer and tell him what was up to see if I could attend next year. I would be understanding if I couldn't, but at least I would be living full time by then and either they could accept it or not. I wouldn't try to be there awkwardly in between.

For the last six months it hasn't bugged me one bit.

Until now.

The event is this Saturday. It is turning out to be bigger then ever as we have corporate reps coming out along with the site owners who's site we all discovered each other.

Up to this point I know I have had to let some things go from that previous life. Either I am physically unable to do them or it just isn't safe.

Yet now as I see this event rapidly approaching I am struggling with my non attendance.

I think I know why.

It might have been something I started off doing as him, but this type of event is me. I am giving up something I not only can do but I love to do. Something like this is who I am and very much a part of me. There might be things that I did as him because I could and was willing to try. Now that he is fading giving them up wasn't a huge issue since the weren't things that were really ever me.

This isn't one of them. This was something that was all me, deep down inside, cooking and entertaining is second nature to me. Even though I can still do this my presence as me is going to be tricky. I still will not be able to do it this year even if I wanted to but that doesn't mean I don't miss it.

I do.

A lot.

I just hope one day I can either return or that I can surround myself with other people that I can do this for. It was a unique bunch, but they were a good group. I was amazed from the first one until now just how well they always turned out. I just don't know how they will handle this news and now isn't the time to talk to them about it.

There is always next year.

For now I need to let it go.

Lost My Way

Transition, with out a shadow of a doubt, is the hardest things I have ever attempted in my modest life. 

However the past few weeks were particularly trying and honestly I didn't come out unscathed.

Six weeks ago I underwent facial surgery. The experience was quite profound. From trying to keep my nerves in check to go through with it. To the day itself and the recovery afterward. 

It was a lot. There were things that were not covered in the handbook. 

(Like you get a handbook, I am so complaining to management on this one.)

I faced moments of extreme and total panic. I endured a lot of discomfort. Not to mention the fact that things are weird as they heal. Compounded by the fact I was very unsure at times that it was all going to come out right.

Talk about playing with your emotions.

The absolute worst part?

I had to stop hormones for three weeks. 

Ouch!

Let me just say this. I am not looking forward to doing that ever again.

It seriously messed with my mind and my sense of well being. 

So through it all I ended up losing my sense of self. I think quite frankly I was overwhelmed with it all. I became disconnected with who I was. In the end didn't feel like anyone, not him, and more importantly not me. 

I was quite honestly lost. 

I didn't feel like stepping out of the house, I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I almost complete withdrew from the world. 

I felt hugely disconnected from everything. 

Made even more evident by my inability to write anything about...well...anything.

Now I was aware this was going on. I wasn't clueless about it. I didn't think it was that bad. I couldn't have been more wrong and I failed in trying to deal with it. I may have been trying to hard to get myself out of it, on my own. Which resulted in falling back onto old bad habits when life had become too much. Totally not a good thing. 

None of the above is an excuse for what I did or was doing, and still dealing with. It did however play a large part in what happened to me and failed to handle. 

Yet what I didn't realize, wasn't that I was just hurting myself in all this. 

I was hurting others. 

It took some very profound words that were incredibly hard to hear, spoken by a very dear friend, to wake me up from the stupor I was in. Allowing met to finally realize what a colossal idiot was being. 

I was pushing people away, I was being increasingly crabby and sarcastic.

I was only exasperating the problem with my actions. Not solving anything.

I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to say what she did. I am both eternally grateful that she did along with extremely guilty I put her into that position. 

It may be beyond my ability to ever properly express my thanks to her for doing it. Her words were like a cold bucket of water on my consciousness.

Talk about waking from a nightmare, worse still that you are still living it. 

Yes I am not through all this yet. I still have to deal with what is going on in my head. I will say being more aware of it helps a great deal. I can get through this I just have to be more conscious about not letting myself slide backwards such as I did. 

The plus side is that I am really starting to feel better physically and that can go a long way in helping one's mental well being. 

It isn't the answer but every little bit helps right now. The hope is that I can find myself and can regain some balance in all this as life needs to start moving forward again. 

As there is more change to come. So I will need to be better prepared for it.

In the mean time I only hope I am can be as good a friend to someone as they have been to me. 

She knows who she is.

Banana Cruise 2011

They are not taking a break, gorging on bananas, hanging in trees, on strike, or even rebelling.

Nope.

The typewriter monkeys are gone.

On vacation.

I have no idea when they will return.

For all I know they are sitting on a topical island or a fancy boat sipping fruity drinks with cute little paper umbrellas in them. If they are smart they found their way to the Lopburi Monkey Festival.

They are typewriters monkeys so I wouldn't give them that much credit.

However, they haven't called and they certainly haven't written.

Which brings me to my absence. I have had a serious case of writers block. Oh it isn't like I haven't had things to talk about but I just didn't always feel I wanted to talk about them or felt comfortable doing so.

I cannot say that I do now.

Though I will say that one of the reasons I haven't felt like talking is I have been busy recovering.

My days have been tied up in rest, caring for myself, and doing things I need to get better.

The good news is I am doing quite well and for the most part I am very happy with the results. Things are turning out they way I wanted them too.

It was indeed and interesting experience, yet one that I currently don't feel compelled to discuss publicly.

At least not now.

Someday I might. However for those that are truly interested and really want to know my email address is listed on the site. I will provide any details you might want as long as you have some good questions.

However for the time being life is a little on hold while I continue to heal and gain back some of my strength.

Trust me I have had B call me three times asking me when I would be ready to hang out again. I tell you that boy is a persistent one. Though it is welcome and appreciated.

Hopefully life will return to normal soon and I can start moving this process forward again. I would think that I would have a lot more to say when that happens.

In the mean time if you see any of my typewrite monkeys tell them to come home.

Though I can understand I might not want to leave this either if I was them.

Sacrificing

I knew this was going to happen.

I was fully aware that I would have to let some things go this year so that I could facilitate others.

This is one of them that I am going to miss greatly.

There are only so many winters in one's life. There is only so much snow that will fall.

For years I have had to sacrifice not only not doing this but I have yet to fulfill my dream of going out west and carving up some of those amazing slops.

After transition is done, when all the major steps are completed and I am just rediscovering my life as me. I intend to rectify that. I will plan at least one large trip each year and depend where I end up living I will try to do as many small ones as I can.

In the mean time I will sadly have to skip any of my usual trips this year.

I will miss it.

I always do.

Thumb Tacks

I am acutely aware that I have not posted much recently.

With the holidays I have had a lot going on.

I also have had a lot of issues rolling or smashing over me all at one.

I even had a freak out moment.

Ok, I am lying.

I have had a few.

Though the one I am most thinking of would be the public one where I lost my nerve.

Something that hasn't happened in a very long time.

I am not even sure what I want to talk about either. I simply have so much in my head right now I can't seem to focus on just one thing.

Or even just two or three.

Which is why I need the thumb tacks.

Really I don't have enough to mark all the places I have been emotionally in the last few weeks.

Thing is it hasn't felt like a rollercoaster.

Nope.

I feel like I am everywhere all at once.

Not to mention my old friends fear and doubt have been riding shotgun and in the back seat.

It could be I have too much happening all at once.

I have a few friends I have to sit down and tell.

I also need to talk to HR in coming weeks. At least to start the conversation.

I seem to alternate between worrying about the upcoming surgery working to fully confident that the changes will turn out all right.

Mostly I seem to be settling on the former, that it won't work.

I am also worried that I am actually ready for the aftermath these changes will cause. I don't intend to be full time just yet and I can't imagine people not noticing.

For example I was out at a local mall this last weekend and I was doing my best to boy it up and I not once got called sir.

This amazes me. My natural hairline to me is such a dead giveaway. It isn't that it is thinning or receding but it does have a rather masculine shape.

What is going to happen when I look even less male than I do now? I think it is going to unsettle a lot of people including those who are expecting a boy.

The situation at home isn't good at all either. Which is generating a lot of stress as it could have a very far reaching impact.

I am just thankful I have some wonderful friends. Relationships that are more honest and real then anything I have ever had. People who chat me up to see how I am doing and to see if I am all right.

One friend made such a sweet gesture yesterday that I wanted to cry. Even though we haven't been talking like we used to it meant so much for her to offer what she did.

Another is just there to talk to, no how matter how mundane our discussions are I always feel better after I talk with her.

Things might be difficult now but I try to recall that I am a better person this way and I life should be better once all this is all done.

The big issue is getting everyone who has never met me to understand all this.

I do feel myself climbing out of all this but it is a slippery slope. Anything at this point would not help and I could end up back sliding.

It is a tough road.

Clean Up in Aisle Five!

The last two weeks couldn't have felt more turbulent if I tried. 

Starting with telling my friend J about me. 

Sob.

Getting some great news about surgical financing. 

Yay!

Scheduling exactly that for the very early part of next year. 

Super Yay!

Learning what I am going to have to do in perpetration for said event. 

Ouch!

Getting a surprise call from my brother the night before thanksgiving. He gets big kudo's for talking to me.

Wow!

Having him ask me some rather poorly worded questions. Along with the wrong ideas of why I am doing this.

Oof!

Dealing with my parents and an Aunt who doesn't know on Thanksgiving day. 

Ugh!

My inlaws the following. 

Double Ugh!

Having a wonderful and one of the best nights of my life on Saturday with one of my favorite peeps in B. 

YES!

Even though we did attend a rather straight xmas party that he didn't know was going to be so John Q. Straight. We laughed about it in the end.

Weird.

Plenty of bar hoping, dancing and fun later. 

Whoo-hooo!

B saying one of the sweetest things he has ever told me, and it doesn't even sound nice when you hear it but it meant the world to me.

Awww!

Leading into one of the biggest collapses I ever had on Sunday.

Thud!

This one was bad.

Really bad.

It started early in the morning, I rebounded somewhat and attempted some retail therapy to perk myself up.

Only to end up crying in the mall because I was there as him.

I was a total mess. 

Though I did learn about the amazing restorative powers of a hot bath and bubbles. Immediately followed up with some ice cream. I was able to end the night feeling ok.

At the least I didn't feel anywhere nearly as bad as I did.

I would not say I feel wonderful though.

It also doesn't help that my Mom has been rather pushy lately as to how, when and why I am doing some things. Really, this is my transition and I knew my mother was quite capable of this. I just don't need someone telling me what to do right now. 

Hopefully I can find some times to de-stress some more this week and try and deal with some of these feelings. 

Transitioning is currently living up to the billing as not being easy.

Though I never expected it to be.

It would be nice however if I could get things to calm down, even just a little bit.

Because I am getting tired of dealing with one mess after another. 

Time Keeps on Ticking

Sadly I am reminded of things today I would rather not think about.

Most people celebrate on a day such as this, but it has never been that important to me.

Perhaps because it feels like just another reminder of time lost.

I do hope that this time next year I can finally, maybe, enjoy myself for once.

Remember

Remembering those that are lost.

While I still find it a bit depressing and even a touch morbid. I still feel that the overall importance of today is remembering that we are still being persecuted and disrespected by society at large.

As much as I would rather be celebrating life I feel the point of today is very, very valid and more important than the slight discomfort I feel about it.

So please remember, however sad it might be, those that have had their life taken from them simply for being themselves.

I will be attending a local candlelight vigil myself tonight.

Even with the pall cast by these events today, I hope it leads us to a brighter future.

Turning the World Upside Down

Transition.

It isn't for the weak willed.

Quite simply it has been the hardest thing I have ever done and I know it is only going to get harder.

Tuesday was...difficult. 

Not because I got a bad reaction, far from it.

I thought my parents were hard to tell.

This one was worse.

I did tell her. We met for dinner, ate (knowing what is about to come I always make sure we eat FIRST, otherwise it might not happen.), talked. Again it felt like old times.

Though she knew I was there to tell her something rather profound and life altering.

She really didn't have any idea what was coming.

In the seventeen years I have known her I have rarely, if ever, seen her completely speechless.

And I do mean speechless.

Yet that is what she was for several minutes after I told her.

I really did see her groping for what to say.

Knowing how quick her mouth is it was quite a site.

Seeing that told me just how much I had shocked her.

Now even though she was shocked and reeling by what I told her. She eventually pulled it together.

She asked a lot of great questions. Seems somewhat familiar with what I was going to put myself through. Tried to envision me as the other gender.

And cried.

She told me that she always felt our relationship was just what I thought it was. Big sister and little brother.

So not only did my news shock her, I think it hurt more then I would have suspected it would.

Still we ended up staying at the restaurant for almost four hours talking about all types of things.

In the end I can't say it was negative, nor can I say it was positive either.

We parted with her telling me she wasn't one to tell anyone what they needed to do to be happy. Yet she didn't know how she was going to feel when someone else was standing in front of her.

Though how she stated it gave me a bit of hope that she was willing to try eventually. When is another story and obviously what happens after that could be anything.

With that we started making our way home while saying one final goodbye once outside.

We were both crying at this point.

I do not have any clue as to how this is going to end up. I have been crying over the possible lost of this relationship more than any other this week.

This one hurts...a lot.

Sadly I knew any of this was possible once I start disclosing to people.

There is nothing that can be done about it. These relationships might be lost, possibly forever, all I can do is hang onto the fact that I know I am doing the right thing for myself.

Then hope that maybe some of them will come around once they meet the real me.

Which is quite like the old me, only a little different.

Only time will tell, but right now my perception of the world is quite askew.

32 Flavors

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

Both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
Still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone

And god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
And god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

This has always been a favorite song of mine. Just today the lyrics seem to fit more so then ever. 

When It Rains It Pours

It has been a rough couple of days. I had a couple of outages at work do deal with regarding my project.

Bad luck really, though I at least managed to recover things quickly without too much fuss.

I also received some very disappointing news that is impacting my transition timeline quite severely.

I am just hoping I can find a creative solution or a different approach to make things happen. Just being told no regarding something I didn't see as much of an issue bothered me a lot.

It also didn't help that I was having my cycle. I know how can I have a cycle if my hormone levels don't change for an actual period. I can't figure it out either, yet over the last eight months I get crabby, moody, depressed and feel fat and bloated for a few days around the 10th of each month.

Weird but it happens, I didn't think much of if the first few time it happened. I thought most likely if was just something that happens. It was the consistency of when that caught my attention.

Plus I have confirmed taking my brother out to dinner this Sunday night and trying to find a park or something afterward to sit down and tell him. Doing this at my parents house make me uncomfortable, as he is staying with them while in town.

Far too much for one girl to deal with in a twenty-four hour time period.

I am just thankful for having some wonderful friends that care so much. It was nice to talk about other things and be silly. She brightened my mood immeasurably. She doesn't even know how much crying I had been doing prior to talking to her. She is one of the best friends I have ever had.

I have too much on my mind all at once right now.

Oh, and did I mention it has been actually raining the last few day? Nothing like a gloomy outside to brighten ones spirits.

The Dark Side

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to Suffering." --Yoda

I could never had imagine how true those words would be when I first heard them. Granted I think that was I was around eight or nine when I first heard them.

Today I see a side of them I never thought I would.

You hear, read or watch a lot of stories about other transgender people. Usually Transsexual in nature. Where the discord be comes so great that they start to hurt themselves. Sometimes it self mutilation, substance abuse, recklessness, and even suicide attempts.

I always understood the issue I just never understood the why.

Until today.

It is hatred. Pure and simple hatred.

Now I am not sure if the quote I gave above is how someone reached that point. It could and probably quite often started as fear. Moving through the rest of those emotions.

It could have also just started somewhere in the middle but ultimately one ends up hating. Themselves, society, family, their situation, etc. Usually though I imagine it is directed at themselves.

It is the only one of those things that they truly have control over.

Terrifying when you think about it.

Yet I now understand why.

You hate the thing, person, existence that is you. Though not really you. You come to loathe and despise it with such venom and rage that you actively want to destroy it.

Sadly that means you end up destroying yourself.

I am not going to say I am at risk for anything happening. You can put your mind at ease regarding that. I don't want to walk down that road. I feel that I have too much to live for. A promise of a life where I don't hate myself.

Because let me tell you how much I do right now.

It isn't me either.

It is 'Him'.

I want nothing more then to see him wiped out of existence. His decision and actions have lead me to a place I do not want to be. He also forces me to be trapped in a world I don't want. That of a man.

I am not sure what triggered it but this past week has been so stressful after I got back that I have been shocked at what I have been feeling and thinking.

He needs to go. Now.

I know it can't happen that fast. That I need to hold on a bit longer. That and I will fight these feels as hard as I can. I simply don't like having them.

Today though I better understanding of why the bad things happen. These emotions can become quite powerful and frightening in their absoluteness.

For the first time in a long time I am scared.

Hopefully I will be able to stop there.

I have to persevere.

Bittersweet Symphony

Just in case you haven't been paying attention. Yes, you in the back who fell asleep while I was gone, it is now time to wake up and pay attention.

SCC has always been an interesting time for me, both years.

Granted, as I mentioned last week, I wasn't planning on attending this one.

It ended up being the best thing I could have done for myself.

I really didn't even do much with the conference officially other then the dinner Saturday night.

I spent more time socializing and enjoying the company of old friends. Not to mention I was hardly at the hotel.

The best part was not only the old friends that I was so happy to see and spend time with Kathy, Gina, Joann, Kristin, and Lauren. There were the wonderful new friends that I got to meet. The other Kelly, Brittney (love this girl) and of course finally meeting Laura and her spouse, since those two have come to mean so much more to me.

More then the previous two years I have learned that I am totally not alone anymore. That I have friend who like me for who I am and that I thoroughly enjoy spending time with.

Some of them were incredible hard to say goodbye to.

I even got a chance to meet my voice coach in person as all my session have been done via video conferencing.

In the end I am more than glad I spent the money and went. It truly amazes me how much being there still changes my world.

The only down side is the realization of how much I was already missing everyone as I was leaving. I, at least, had Brittney to accompany me on the trip to the airport. Still it was very hard to send her off to her gate.

It just bothers me that some of my favorite people have to live so far from me. It would be so much better if I could at least have the ability to spend with some of these people more often.

It is what it is, wonderful and sad all at the same time.

I just know that my life is better for having met them and now consider them important friends.

Hopefully we will be able to see each other again next year as I miss them all terribly right now. 

At Arms Length

I have mentioned in the past that there are portions of the trans community I don't necessarily get along with.

But this post isn't about that.

Nope.

It is about the online community.

Lately I have been reading a lot of different opinions that have not sat well with me.

I understand people can look at the Trans issue from a lot of different angles. It just seems to me there are far too many opinions about who should or shouldn't transition. Who is what type of Trans person, Crossdresser, etc.

I also recently read a comment about those that don't consider life after Transition.

I have.

Though it is largely unknown to me what I will do. I do hope that it will be better and I will be able to find some idea of what I want to do with myself. There is going to be a lot to learn and discover.

However I make no pretense that my life will be euphoric or ideal. I am Trans, I know this. The feeling is that life will still try to make things interesting or test me, but I should feel better able to make a good sound decision. Since I won't be so concerned about doing it a certain way. As the slogan goes I will be able to 'just do it'.

It also appears that even though the mantra of this community is that society at large feels they need to place a label on everything and put in nice neat little boxes. They in fact, it shouldn't.

I agree with this.

Though it seems this very community that feels this way tries to place people inside the community into it own neat little boxes.

I find that disconcerting.

A well known Trans speaker once make the point in a talk she was holding, is that we all get to this point in our life's via different paths. Granted some are eerily similar, there are a lot of different smaller steps that might or might not get taken in between.

I agree with this.

I refuse to not be something simply because I am transitioning later in life or that I am taking some different steps to get there. Maybe I feel certain steps should happen before others. Even though I feel they are all important. It is just that I can't do them all at once.

Not to mention all the they said, you said bickering I have seen regarding all of this.

Really, I am done with it I need a break.

I know who I am, I know what I need to do to realize some type of normal life as me with the chance for a little happiness.

I also know what I can no longer be. One way or another I will get there.

All I am really trying to say is I feel the online community has become a bit too much to bear. No I am not going to stop posting or anything like that. As things happen I will post about them and discuss.

I am just reducing the amount of online drivel I have been coming across. There are a few rather important bloggers I will follow. I will even post a few comments here and there. Still I have already removed a lot of feeds from my news reader. I will still grab info as I need and read important articles when it is pertinent to me.

In the mean time I just going to step away from the seemingly toxic environment I feel I am sensing right now.

Because I Can't Say It Better

These just seem to fit this morning

I won't Back Down

Well, I won't back down, no, I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
No, I stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down


I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I will stand my ground
And I won't back down


Well, I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down


I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I will stand my ground
I won't back down - and I won't back down

I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I won't back down
I won't back down - hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
I won't back down - hey, I will stand my ground
I won't back down - and I won't back down
I won't back down - no, I won't back down


Freed

Iv'e got my heart crammed in a bottle
And all the while I fought so little
What is this fear we hold so deeply
To stand alone alone completely
It's do or die it's now or never
It's cats and dogs it's helter skelter


Till i'm free
Yeah free
Something inside me is begging to be free
We hardly live for fear of dying
Then fall asleep and call it living
I hardly love for fear of losing
I'll hardly loose yet i'm not loving


Till i'm free
Yeah free
Something inside me is begging to be free
Something inside me is begging to be free


Free yeah free

Something inside me is begging to be free
Something inside me is begging to be free

Non Explanation

Without going into any details since I feel it is not fair to either party I will just say that thing at home have gone downhill.

Badly.

My concern right now is the mess that is brewing which could interfere with my ability to continue forward with transition.

At least if could cause a lot of delays.

This is what have been contributing to my general mood at the moment.

Which explains the post earlier this week.

Without really explaining the what happened.

It hurts.

It sucks.

I don't like it one bit but I cannot continue doing what I have been doing.

I am simply worn out. 

Oh and all this right before this Sunday.

Which is when I am supposed to tell my parents.

Is this week over yet?