In & Out

An interesting comment was made on my blog after this post.

The general perception was that one should not tell others they are Trans and that individuals that do this are making a dire mistake.

Bad things would happen. Fire and Brimstone! Dogs and cats living together! MASS HYSTERIA!!!

Feh.

Honestly, this may or may not be true.

I make this statement because each transition is different. While often similar in steps we all have different issues within our own transition that makes each situation unique.

For me, while in transition, I told and explained what was happening with me to those I felt were involved in my life.

I had some walk away and I had others surprise me with unwavering support to this day.

It is, I feel, important to get as many people to stand with you as is possible. If I had to do it alone I would have but having the extra support was priceless.

The rub is what to do post full time.

Well....I think that is up to you and what you feel you are willing to do.

For me there are a few groups that will always get told.

First and foremost is Doctors. This I feel is of utmost importance. They are going to have to know that I am trans to take into account certain things while treating me. Honestly this is a no brainer and a must for any trans person pre, post, or whatever. Otherwise you could be taking a risk with you health.

This was the reason I had to explain to the pharmacist what was up.{Link} He is a new one for me since I moved.

Next would be old friends. People, who in some cases I have known since childhood or often since high school.

Most of these people have re-entered my life and have been extremely supportive.

And I quote:

Rogue: "Yes I have missed you and your smile. We have had some great times and I am glad we can now have more!"

Scholar: "Kelli-kins, I am glad you are back in my life. You are good people."

Professor: "Really it is just a different version of you, much happier I might add. Besides you will always be a friend."

Ginger: "I does not matter, you are happy and I have never seen you so happy!"

Pixie: "Lean on your friends- we all love having you around."

None of these people have bothered to tell anyone else they have introduced me to anything about my past. I am simply their friend Kelli. Sometimes quirky, sometimes snarky, but always fun and welcome.

In fact Ringo(The nickname he already had), Trinity(if you knew her you would know why the character from The Matrix fits), Edison, Trinity's husband(who is an electrician, but I have way too much respect for Tesla to use him as a nickname),  Critic(what we do not go through with him to pick movies), Kaylee(nicknamed for her favorite Firefly character), have given me a standing invite to Wednesday night dinners at Ringo's home. We enjoy dinner and some TV or a movie. Always fun and yummy.

Ringo actually said this to me: "We had a good idea we liked you because you like to game. Now we are finding out that you like a lot of the same movies and shows we watch too."

Trinity is almost my doppelganger, crazy how we grew up geeking out on a lot of the same things and sharing similar interest growing up. We have been talking more and more because it can be so hard to find a kindred spirit.

There are also my new roommates Bonnie and Clyde who have told me straight up they loving having me as a roommate.

My new employer has not been told except for my HR rep and HR department head. They had no issues with it and were happy to have my on board. Everyone else takes me as is. There is more coming is a larger post that I have been working on so I will save it for that.

Lastly is extend friends and family, most of them knew me since I was little. Sometimes from day one. I see them from time to time. My parents have stayed in close touch with them many of them. Of course they are going to ask my parents how their kids are doing.

To which I have given my mother cart blanch to discuss with them. She has been so proud of the person I have become. I also know it is not easy for her to share it with everyone but she does anyway. Many of these people she has brought up to speed regarding my function have expressed a lot of support to my mother. More so after some of them have met me in person.

Others have expressed an interest in getting a chance to meet me.

My extended family has been even better totally taking it in stride to the point they have been making sure that I am in the loop on family events.

I am perfectly fine with all this. People have been extremely supportive and my status as a Trans Woman does not come up after the initial telling.

I cannot say that this will work for everyone. If you are planning or have transitioned it may be better for you to not spread the word as much. I cannot say for sure it will be up to you to decided what you should do.

All I can tell you is my policy. Which is basically new people do not get told the old ones can be.

That is my story and I am sticking to it.

Working Stiff

As you all know I left my previous job.

This would be the one that I transitioned at.

Now there were growing pains, but for the most part the company and colleagues were great. I honestly could not have asked from much more from them.

Still nothing lasts forever.

The first year was good after transition.

Then somewhere earlier this year things shifted.

I am not sure why or how either. To this day I am a little baffled by it.

Yes, the tone of conversation in meetings and between the team changed a bit.

Hey, there was a girl in the room now and they were on much better behavior. Not that they were ever bad about it but we all know men will complain about their wives. Frankly having worked in a department of mostly women when younger the same can be said for women complaining about their husbands.

Really both sides do it, even if they will not admit to it to the other side.

(I do wonder if the same happens with gay or lesbian couples. I have to imagine it does but I have not worked with many to know if they do it in the work place. Something to ponder.)

Still they did clean up their act with no prompting from me.

I even had my old manager apologize to the group once that if I was not in the room he would have had something to say about the woman we just talked too on a conference call.

I laughed and told him not to worry. She was being a bitch and I would not be offended at all. Seriously she was EXTREMELY difficult to talk to and reason with. Men do it and I call them assholes or jerks. Point is the label fit. Even if it some thing it is unpleasant.

Some people are just unpleasant period.

Now I know through all this perceptions changed regarding me. I also had to learn how I now fit into the dynamic of the team.

Which I thought I had done for the first year, but we had a number of engineers leave and get replaced. I feel that fact had something to do with it.

Some of the newer people seemed to have an issue with a woman being as smart or smarter than them.

This caused a few conflicts though minor.

I have never been a confrontational person. Ever. It is just not my nature. I have, however, learned to stand my ground in the face of much stronger personalities than mine. I have worked with a lot of arrogant or outspoken men over the years who cannot possibly be wrong. I have had them shout in my face or throw me under the bus. I simply learned to let my work speak for myself.

I am also not afraid to ask a person how they intend to make something happen. I hear it all the time with people wanting to install or implement some fantastic solution. At my old place of employment I would say "that is a great idea, but with no budget how to you plan to facilitate that implementation?" or "I would like to see that too, but there is no X resource available for that" or "Based on our current configuration that is not possible."

Or my absolute favorite:

"If we do that we will effect twenty-five hundred people."

Which usually gets management to raise their eyebrows.

I got the feeling that these other engineers did not like hearing the possibility of it happening might be no.

I understood this since I often come up with ideas and get told no. Usually because of budget sometimes because of the configuration of the environment. The difference with me is I would start smaller and keep moving little parts into place to eventually get it there.

I like new and shiny technology as much as the next person. I have just learned through management that sometimes I have to be practical and patient.

Still I think a woman NOT backing down from her position frustrated them. I also noticed it was the younger generation which I feel was more along the lines of they did not like ANYONE telling them no.

Whatever the cause was, it made my life difficult and I needed a change. I just felt it was time. This prompted me to put my resume up and see that I could find.

I generated a lot of interest early. Spoke to a number of companies and waited for the right thing to come along.

Even turning down two positions because I did not like to people interviewing me. Seriously is surprises me that people do not realize I am doing that. I have no issue asking questions in return and seeing the response I get.

I have worked for a number of managers either directly or as a consultant. I have learned that if you do not have a grasp of your environment and seem wishy-washy I am either not going to want to work for you OR I am not going to like working for you while I am there for whatever project I am there for.

I guess it comes from doing or seeing so many different companies and how they are run while I worked in the field as a consultant. When I started entertaining the idea of working for one company I want to get a feeling management knows what is going on. What they want and how to get it.

It makes my life more enjoyable.

Trust me I felt bad I was passing up these opportunities but I really wanted to find something I felt I would be happy with.

I was also looking rather hard at moving out of state basically I was not concerned with where anymore.

Eventually I got a call from a recruiter who mentioned a position in my home state that was in an area I always wanted to move too. It was one area that would make me consider staying in my home state.

At first I was skeptical when I was told who the company was. Though when I heard about the environment and how aggressive they were with technology I was very interested.

After three lengthy phone interviews I was given an in person interview.

Having gotten early interviews out of the way {link} I felt really good going into this one.

Coming out of it I felt even better. Although I was in there for a grand total of two and a half hours...

O_O

...it was one of the best interviews I have ever had. The management team that interviewed me were simply amazing and it was very obvious that they had a an amazingly solid grasp of their environment. They also knew the shortcomings and were working on plans to resolve those. They just needed talent to do it.

I walked out of there wanting the job badly. I wanted to work for these people. I wanted to live in the area that this company was located in.

And I did not have to wait long. I was in for my interview on Monday, I got a call Thursday night that the offer was forthcoming. That I needed to have a drug screen(which I am fine with), to allow it to happen.

The truly crazy part is that Friday I was off to Paris, France with the boyfriend and which left me scrambling a little.

It made the trip even better and I was able to come back to work post vacation and turn in my two week notice.

That is the second time I have done that.

Seriously I do not plan it that way.

How is it so far?

Well in just a couple of weeks I can tell you that I love the place. I am enjoying what I am working on. The people are great and I am excited to go to work in the morning again.

There have been some interesting observations recently, but those are for another post.

It might never know exactly why things fell apart at my old job. It could have been my being trans, the history, the new blood's lack of respect for women, or something I am not even thinking of.

I do not know but it is not the first time I left a job because the climate changed so much. In years past it was not me either it was new managers who completely changed the culture.

We shall see what happens here with this one, but I am far more relaxed and comfortable here.

So far...so good.

Closer to Fine

I am still coming off a cold so I have been a little slow on things.

For example I missed posting something about the fact that I am now two years full time. Holy Father Time where did the last year go?

Crazy, busy, confusing, challenging and exciting. My life has simply exploded in front of me. I had no idea that life could be his enjoyable or fun. That it was possible for me to experience it as I have. Unfiltered with raw exuberance.

There is so much to tell but I will leave it for posts you are about to read. I had started and completed most of these right before the holidays. However my return from Florida after Thanksgiving was overloaded with holiday things to get done that I was never able to proof them and get them ready for prime time.

As I mentioned my recent cold bought finally gave me some down time to get caught up. Which means most of those posts are now scheduled to go over the next couple of weeks.

That should get you significantly caught up on things.

In the mean time I had a chance to think about the last year while talking to a close friend about transition.

As much as there is a relief from going full time. There is still a lot of immediate fallout, headaches, story retelling, out of the loop people who you were unable to get to, and a period of adjustment. You cannot speed it up you just have to let it runs it's course. Over time a lot of these things fade away.

Well if you have been doing your homework and making an effort to build a good life it should hopefully work out that way. It has for me.

While there had been some residual drama, hey I am Trans it is going to happen for a while, it has largely been reduced. My dad for example has finally opened up and started talking to me again. It probably did not hurt that many of my relatives who had met me told him to get over himself. Plus they invite me all the time to things now so it is not like he can avoid me.

My mother has also told me about a number of people who have not yet had the opportunity to meet but want to. I know there is curiosity factor in there but I think some of these people also knew I struggled at times when I was younger. It probably does not hurt that they have been hearing good things from both my mom and others.

My brother is a different matter but as I really do not talk to him anymore it has not been an issue.

Regardless getting the chance to spend a year just being, doing, and enjoying as been profound. The difference between year one and year two has been immense. With all that residual post transition drama to a dull roar I was allowed to just focus on life. Not forcing anything but letting it come to me.

Enough were I forget that I am Trans for the most part. This was made very clear the other night. I was at the pharmacy picking up a new prescription. One of my meds needed to be switched out. Now it is an anti-androgen. Women would not be taking this. However I knew why I was so it did not phase me one bit.

Yet while standing there the pharmacist looks at me. Looks at the script and asks "Is this what you are looking for?

Glancing at the label, "Yes"

"Are you sure?"

"Oh yes."

"Can I ask why you are taking it?

Blink, blink. It occurs to me in that moment that why I would be taking this might not seem like a good idea to him. I was not understanding his hesitation to it. Duh.

"Oh, I am Transgender. I am using it as a Testosterone blocker."

"What? Really? Okay..." His eyes had popped out of his head.

That is right once again I totally shocked someone that I was, in fact, Trans.

You would think that this never gets old.

You would be wrong.

It does actually get old. While I am not afraid or ashamed of stating it, I just feel at times it is not a big deal. It also can get tedious because once I do have to out myself I often have to answer a bunch of follow up questions. Part of me feels I have moved past this, but I understand it still had to be dealt with at times.

I guess for me I just do not feel it is that big a deal anymore. So I get a little annoyed when someone else feels the need to get overly excited or act like it is some kind of earth shattering event.

It is not, I am simply another human being. Yes I took a different path to become who I am today but I am just a person none the less.

Everything is just normal. As you will see in coming posts about the new job and living arrangements among others.

Life not only is good, but has gotten better.

 

One Year Later

It is really hard to believe that a year ago I was about to go full time.

At this point last year my company knew.

My department and co-workers knew.

Things were about to change rather radically.

There was to be no more switching back and forth. I would not have to pretend to be a boy anymore(not like I was succeeding very well trying).

Emotionally I was all over the place wondering if this really was going to go over well.

Or was I just going to fall flat on my face.

It is interesting to sit here one year later and think about all of it.

Reflecting on my nerves those first few weeks

Which were only about the office. Really, outside of work life had already shifted so much and since the general public didn't know any better, life was easy there.

I found it hard to even walk into the office back then. I just did not want to be that person anymore.

That doesn't mean I wasn't scared those first few days. Even with all the due diligence that I did. The soul searching. The personal exploration. I was still scared.

How could I not be?

Yet with all that here I am one year later and things have gone extremely well.

Who knew however that all of what was to come was going to happen. The Good, The Bad, and The Blonde.

I have had some amazing moments over the last year.

I have had some ugly and sad ones.

I have also had a lot of 'duh' moments.

With all of that though I am amazed that here I am one year later. Healthy, extremely happy, and simply truly enjoying being alive for the first time in my life.

I had so much fear and trepidation built up in my head and while some of it did happen. Most did not.

It is rather surreal to think about all of it.

Still here I am one year later.

The importance of that sentence cannot be stated enough.

Read it again if you don't see it the first time.

The thing that amazes me the most though?

Holy Calender Batman!!

It has been one year!!!!!!

When the Music Dies

I think I was eleven or twelve. Maybe somewhere in between.

I was visiting some of my cousins that day.

One who is almost four years older than me grabbed me all of a sudden.

"OMG I have something you have to hear!"

She knew I was starting to get into music. We saw a lot of each other back then so she thought she had something I would like to listen to.

She was right.

I had been hearing more and more hip-hop and rap.

While not a favorite sound there was some cool stuff starting to come out. (this was the mid eighties after all)

You could see the development and growth of it right in front of your eyes.

Still I was very picky with what I listen to at that time. That would change in the coming years but this was different.

What she played for me blew my mind. I was enthralled. We listen to the entire album while sitting her room.

It was short and we had the time.

My musical life changed that day.

Almost immediately I asked her who it was.

She told me.

I asked if they had been around before.

"No they are brand new."

I was hooked.

This trio of artist where nothing like I ever heard or would ever hear again.

It took me some time and scheming to get myself a copy of that first album as my parents would not let my buy it at that time.

I know I wore out at least one copy of that tape.

Then came their second album.

Still one of my favorites to this day. It was without a doubt their magnum opus. We will never hear an album made like that ever again. The multiple layers of sampling they used would not be allowed today with out a mountain of legal wrangling. If original artists would even agree to it.

I know I had both of these on one cassette tape at some point.

I am pretty sure I wore that out too.

I have several of their songs memorized. Lyric for Lyric.

Then with all the legal craziness they turned the hip-hop/rap community on their ear again with their third album.

They knew how to play instruments. So they did. Using them to great backing riffs and beats. Sounds lawyers could not complain about.

This one landed about the time grunge appeared. Thus the record was often mislabeled in the wrong genre.

People just didn't understand what they were doing.

Always challenging their sound, their listeners, even while still distinctly sounding like themselves.

Their subsequent work never stop entertaining me. I always eagerly looked forward to a new release buy a copy as soon as I could make it to a store or pre-ordering it.

I still listen to all their discs to this day.

They were one of my favorite groups and I was a huge fan. I got so many friends hooked on them simply because I listened to them.

That all changed.

This last Friday one of the three succumbed to an long battle with illness.

When I heard the news I was frozen.

I just sat there.

Numb.

I knew how much their music meant to me. Music was always an escape for me when I was younger. It allowed me to take my mind off of things. Distracting me I would focus on the music to forget thinking about me.

I listen to a lot of different things.

But theirs was always some of the most listen too.

Yet this last Friday I realized that this group as I had come to know and love was gone.

I would never again experience their amazingly creative brand of music as I had known it. The radical creativity, the unique craziness that they dared, and always seemed to succeed at.

Not to mention a part of my childhood died.

There are really no words to describe how much this will be missed.

Today the world is a sadder place. Even with being a fan of their music there idea and creativity influences so much of the musical world today. Just go look out at the other artist acknowledging just how huge this lose is.

All I can say is he will be missed and the group will never be the same without him.

Tipping the Scales

And no, this post as nothing to do with the bathroom variety.

For me to successfully transition I had to defeat my long standing arguments and logic of why I shouldn't transition.

Minus the fear, which is always there. I had to undo one basic fundamental reason I usually used to stomp out the idea whenever it came roaring to the front of my head.

You(as in me)don't look like a girl.

It was easy to use against myself. As strong as the desire was to do something about my transsexualism I could take one look in the mirror and say; Nope, not even possible! End of story.

I mean really, I had let myself go. I was fifty pounds over weight, I was flabby, hairy and had been cutting my hair incredible short for fifteen years.

To say the experience of stepping outside as me, the first time, was traumatic is a bold faced understatement.

Every argument and logical reasoning, all fueled by fear, I had was in my head resonating like a jet airplane. Screaming at me that this was all wrong, it would never work, etc, etc, etc.

And really I came home and cried that day for two reasons.

First, I never thought it would ever be possible.

Two, I didn't want to live the way I had anymore.

No easy feat. I knew right away I had a very long road ahead of me. Yet if I was going to do this I needed to change just about everything about me.

At least physically.

I started a controlled and careful diet and consistent exercise. Which I maintain as best I can to this day.

I began letting my hair grow out.

Then there was the removal of facial hair. (Still working on this one but I am getting really close. YAY!!)

Next I brought hormones into the mix. This had a larger effect on me mentally but the physical changes cannot be discounted.

The other ingredient was time. Really I started all this four years ago, maybe not all at once but I did start with what I could at that time.

I simply needed to sit back and let all these ingredients simmer for a bit.

When they were close and almost ready I added in a big one by changing a few of my most glaring facial features via surgery.

Really there were a few things that just had to change and a couple I wanted for aesthetical reason.

OK! Shush, so I was also being a little vain. Fine, I'll admit it but if I was going to go under the knife why not spruce up two things. Again I was trying to defeat a long standing reason for not transitioning.

Now that I have taken the time, the pain, the process. Things have indeed changed and for the better.

This was a driving force behind my finally telling HR. I had simply stopped existing as a boy, not counting work.

Once things finally had healed up, and other things kept changing. (Think hair) I would try to present the world with a boy and fail miserably at it.

To the point I can't even show someone my old drivers license and have them use the old gender pronouns toward me.

He, effectively, is gone. The constant reverberation of what the world at large thinks about me, when they see me, has finally quashed those old arguments. They simply have no muscle behind them and their faint little whimper is about to disappear entirely.

I literally tipped the scales the other way. I am no long afraid of stepping out of the house as a girl. It doesn't bother me. I simply am.

The converse side of the equation is that I am uncomfortable attempting to be a boy. Sans work, every other local I step into has viewed me as a girl. I get more odd looks then than I do as a me.

There was a lot of pain. It took a lot of patience but the balance as swung. I know who I am know and I am comfortable with that person.

I am not saying this method is for everyone. Some people might just be able to go into head first and handle it just fine. For me, I need to push myself far enough that there were wasn't another option. Because I knew fear would convince me to take it.

Am I done yet? No. There are a few things left to do. Thought I am far enough along that they aren't a big issue and one of them would only happen after I went full time anyway.

And that isn't that far away.

No Future but That Which We Make for Ourselves.

"There comes a time in the life of every human when he or she must decide to risk "their life, their fortune, and their sacred honor" on an outcome dubious. Those who fail the challenge are merely overgrown children, can never be anything else." - Stranger in a Strange Land

Letting Go

One of the hardest things I have face during transition is letting go of things I enjoy doing.

Not because I could not do them or feel they would be something I shouldn't do. Usually these are social events.

No, mostly it is because that something was established as him. Which considering all the changes has become awkward when I have to make an appearance.

So generally I decline.

Yet when something that comes around like this weekend it is affecting me more then I can imagine.

For the last eight years have been attending a summer BBQ and cookout that was sponsored by a technology website I was an early member of. When a large group of us realized we were in the same state we decided to get together and meet face to face.

The interesting part was that this was a group of geeks and computer techs so that first year it became quite obvious rather quickly no one knew how to cook.

Well at least no one else.

I realized that if I was going to even attend this I was going to have to do the cooking.

Which didn't bother me actually as entertaining and cooking for others is something that I love to do. It just came natural.

The really fun part for me over the years was the increased challenges to what I was cooking. Early on since I had no idea how this was going to turn out, I kept it to hamburgers and hot dogs.

Granted I hand make and pre-season my hamburger patties. Plus I know some local meat shops that produce amazing sausages, brats and hot dogs.

We had twenty people show up that year and everyone enjoyed the food.

The following year we doubled our numbers.

Third year I brought something new to the table. Literally.

Baby back BBQ ribs. This is a family recipe that, up to that point few had ever tasted. Though that first years I could only prepare a limited number they were a huge hit. In fact they requested I make them from then on.

Not to toot my own horn but they are really good. People always want the recipe when they try them for the first time.

However we were growing in size. People were starting to come in from surrounding states and even as far away as Texas, California, and New York. The backyard that was hosting it was getting to small and I was going to have to make a lot more ribs.

One of the attendees stepped up to solve the hosting issues as his family had lake front property on the other side of the state we could use. Plus he came through for me renting a grill large enough for me to attempt eighteen slabs of ribs at once.

They do take six hours to cook so it is not like I can do them in multiple batches.

And I managed to do it then and for the next four years.

However things changed.

Last year was awkward for me. Since I only see these people once a year and I was changing rather dramatically at this point my appearance was confusing most of them.

As they were standing five feet from me asking were I was or should I say him. Even though I was right there. In front of them and they were looking right at me. I really kept to myself mostly and avoided the camera if at all possible.

This year seeing as how I can't even fool anyone I am could be a boy, but not feeling finished with my transition, I emailed the host and politely declined my invitation this year. Without the why.

Needless to say when the announcement was made the website message boards went crazy. Though nothing bad was said it was obvious I was going to be missed but people were nice in saying not to worry about it take care of me first and they would see me soon.

I have a lot to do still, I have bigger things happening right now as I expected. I was good with it. Plus it is a family event now and I simply didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable with my presence.

I was at peace with my decision and thought I would talk to the organizer and tell him what was up to see if I could attend next year. I would be understanding if I couldn't, but at least I would be living full time by then and either they could accept it or not. I wouldn't try to be there awkwardly in between.

For the last six months it hasn't bugged me one bit.

Until now.

The event is this Saturday. It is turning out to be bigger then ever as we have corporate reps coming out along with the site owners who's site we all discovered each other.

Up to this point I know I have had to let some things go from that previous life. Either I am physically unable to do them or it just isn't safe.

Yet now as I see this event rapidly approaching I am struggling with my non attendance.

I think I know why.

It might have been something I started off doing as him, but this type of event is me. I am giving up something I not only can do but I love to do. Something like this is who I am and very much a part of me. There might be things that I did as him because I could and was willing to try. Now that he is fading giving them up wasn't a huge issue since the weren't things that were really ever me.

This isn't one of them. This was something that was all me, deep down inside, cooking and entertaining is second nature to me. Even though I can still do this my presence as me is going to be tricky. I still will not be able to do it this year even if I wanted to but that doesn't mean I don't miss it.

I do.

A lot.

I just hope one day I can either return or that I can surround myself with other people that I can do this for. It was a unique bunch, but they were a good group. I was amazed from the first one until now just how well they always turned out. I just don't know how they will handle this news and now isn't the time to talk to them about it.

There is always next year.

For now I need to let it go.

Who Am I?

I see so much written or said about being trans.

Different labels tossed about trying to define people. Placing stickers on them saying you are this but not this. Arguments about who is and who isn't.

I hate it.

However I can't change it, no more than I can change the direction of a tidal wave.

You can try to apply a label to me if you like.

Whatever.

I won't care or accept it. It is simply the other party trying to define me in their neat little boxes.

I don't care if I lived a man for a period of my life.

You weren't there being scolded for doing things that were girlish. You weren't there when I was teased mercilessly by my peers for being different. You didn't witness my older brother beating up someone who was different. You weren't subject to the hate and discrimination of others for being themselves by the people who are supposed to be my family or friends.

You didn't sit through therapy sessions with different therapist and said nothing.

Not. One. Word.

I was that afraid of who I was would cause me to be hurt simply because I was.

Thus I retreated.

And I didn't always know what it was myself.

Answers were also difficult to come by.

I remember trying to find anything I could regarding who I was and how I felt.

However I found nothing.

I felt like I was chasing a ghost. Only that ghost was me.

Deep inside I had the answers but I always felt like they were out of reach. Or worst yet I kept them out of reach.

Usually because when I tried to explore them they backfired badly.

I struggled with so many things in my life simply because I never had a sense of self. Of truly feeling like I knew who I was.

Of really knowing me.

In a discussion I had with someone recently who is a lesbian, she told me she did some of the exact same things. That she lived how others expected her too. Based on the environment she grew up in and just like me not knowing or understanding who she was and that there were others who felt the same way she did.

It took her time to get there.

I was told even though we are similar we all get to this point, we discover ourselves differently. Some sooner then others. Through different routes and challenges, but once we finally understand and accept ourselves, we are who we are. It doesn't make us anything less.

I took a difficult route to get here and I am not even done with everything yet.

Yes I know there is terminology out there. There has to be. How do you attempt to explain it to someone else without words to describe it. More importantly how do you explain it to yourself without it. Yet that doesn't mean that all of it applicable.

So try to define me, try to apply labels to me. Try to tell me who I am. I don't care and I am not listening because I spent too many years caring about what others thought. Changing myself based on their reactions and opinions and only made myself more and more miserable by doing so.

I have cried too many tears. I have suffered too many sleepless nights. I have faced to much hatred and insults to deal with any more.

At the end of the day I love the person I am finally becoming. I look forward to a life that can finally be mine. All because I now know who I am.

Do you?

Snap, Crackle, and POP!

As I recover from surgery I have experienced any number of odd sensations.

From an almost immobile jaw to just a numb one. I still have a little left right in the front of my chin and just underneath, but it is fading fast.

There is still just a little tenderness in my nose but I don't notice it too much unless I bump it and even then it doesn't hurt too much.

Everything else is gone.

But...

...You knew there was a but there didn't you?...

...The outstanding thing has been the top of my head. Mostly this was due to the fact that I simply didn't feel much of it. So it wasn't much of a bother.

That has all changed,

Or at least starting to change.

Now I should explain that I have heard it will take anywhere from six months to a year and a half for feeling to return. Yet I was to look for or experience sensations at some point. Things like itches I can't scratch, pokes or twinges of feeling, etc.

Let me tell you this. The last few days has been nothing short of interesting. Nothing painful mind you, but I have had mildly tingling sensations, fairly constant, at or near the incision. The really fun part are the large crackles of feeling that erupt over the entire top of my head. I would say it is like pop rocks candy fizzing, popping and crackling right under the surface of your skin.

You just pause for a moment while the fireworks happen and then just move along with what you were doing.

I would compare it to a brain freeze moment, you know where you eat or drink something a little to fast and you get that rush of feeling up the back of your neck. Only this is across the top of your head. It is quick, virtually painless but interesting and freaky none the less.

Though as mentioned it is a different sensation you just need a moment to let if fade.

Craziness, yet I can't help that this has to be good sign of healing and only 14 weeks out.

All good news as I am currently trying to get the second part setup and scheduled for later this year. Feelings like this usually mean the blood flow is returning well to the area in question and this is super important for moving some hair follicles around later this year.

In the mean time there is nothing like you own personal fireworks show at any given time to keep you on your toes.

Not a Pretty Girl

I hear them all the time.

Nearly every time I go out.

It happened this last weekend when I was out Friday night with B.

We ran into some people he knows and they questioned him about me.

Why?

And I quote: "Well what is a pretty girl like her doing here?"

(I should explain that now that B is single and I am not actively interested in any type of dating right now I quite often accompany him to one of his favorite spots. I actually like it, it is small, quaint, extremely friendly and very laid back. There are even a fair number of women there, though I will assume they are lesbians. You almost don't realize it is a gay bar.)

They were thoroughly confused about it.

B even looked at me at one point and asked me if I thought I was pretty.

My answer was no.

He proceeded to go around the table asking the others what they thought.

Obviously they all contradicted my answer.

I basically all told them I won't ever think I am a pretty girl.

Thought I have had every reason to become an arrogant bitch about it too.

For example, I have, at some point, heard the following.

"Wow you are so pretty!"

"She is f#@king gorgeous!"

"You are intimidatingly beautiful."

"You are very hot!"

"You look amazing."

"I am so jealous of you."

"You are the most beautiful woman here."

Really I could go on and on. I hear these to from all walks of life. Cis men and women, gay men and women, trans, you name it. Obviously people are allowed to have their opinion and it is nice to hear the complements. I just don't by into the hype myself. Yet it isn't a false modesty that I feel this way.

I just don't, nor will ever feel, that I am.

I don't know if it is my humble northern Midwest upbringing or simply a lack of ego. It probably as a lot to do with the fact that I am trans and I have long hated the reflection in the mirror. That even now, today after all the changes, I will always have to deal with the memory of trying to convince myself of who I should be and what I should look like.

Or not look like.

Now don't get me wrong, the compliments are nice to hear. Having someone anyone tell you that you are pretty or cute or whatever is a great feeling and certainly is good for the confidence. Plus knowing someone finds you attractive is a great feeling.

At the end of the day, you can say whatever you want to me. I will smile and say thank you. Genuinely too.

However I won't ever believe you or feel that way about myself. I won't ever flaunt it in someones face.

I am not a pretty girl.

I am just me.

Simply a girl who took the long way around to finding herself.

To Make Omelets...

...one must break a few eggs.

The Little Things

It's the little things that can really make a difference.

Getting a haircut and style.

Hanging out with one of your favorite people for an evening. (You know it was B, like you had to ask.)

Getting a little shopping in for a few small things.

Watching my favorite hockey team win their first playoff game(Not to mention the next two).

Getting a pedicure. Who can resist cute colored toes?

Eating a hamburger for the first time in months. (We have this tiny hole in the wall bar that has simply one of the best burgers you will ever have. These things just ooze quality and yumminess.)

Making some blazingly good enchiladas that just didn't quit. Wheew!

Pairing those with some rather strong frozen margaritas!

Catching up with some people I haven't seen in months.

Life slowly returning to normal.

It is interesting to me how just these little mundane things can add up and do wonders for your Psyche.

Still it is nice to get these little boosts along the way.

Life is starting to look up.

Culinary Therapy

It surprises me where one can find a sense of comfort.

Be it an activity, indulgence, or whatever.

I don't think I realized until now just how much I enjoy cooking.

Ok, maybe NOT everyday, but I do indeed enjoy it.

The only problem was recently I was not able to spend any real time in the kitchen.

The reason for this was the recovery from surgery on my chin. The first few weeks were the worst as it hurt to move my jaw at all. Nothing too painful mind you but it certainly wasn't any fun.

After that it really boiled down to the muscles were just sore and stiff when operating them. They still are, however they are far better today then a few weeks ago. What would happen is my jaw would just get tired from being told to open and close not to mention the additional pressure of being forced closed through some type of edible entity.

Put it this way imagine your jaw aching after you have been chewing gum too long. Now place that right up front and under your chin. Multiply and that is what it feels like.

The last few weeks have been a careful balancing act of eating more things but making sure not to overdo it. Which could happen easily with certain items.

As I mentioned though it has all gotten slowly better. You can imagine my excitement when I graduated from soups, smoothies, eggs, yogurt, and Jello, and moved onto things like Chili, Noodled dishes and the like.

My first Thai noodle dish in almost two months was like the best meal EVER!!

Which prompt a cold cut pita sandwich and eventually french fries!!

*GASP*

I know right!!! I said the FF words!! Shhhh, don't tell anyone.

I was in nom heaven!

All of this was been carefully monitored and if at anytime I felt that eating something was stressing things out too much I stopped and moved onto something else if I was still hungry.

The down side to all this was with such a limited menu I wasn't doing a lot of cooking.

You wouldn't think this would matter, honestly I didn't either. Though I was growing quite tired of the bland repetitive menu.

So you can imagine my glee when I finally pulled out the dutch oven and promptly set about to braising a wonderful pork shoulder this last weekend. Mostly because I was looking forward to eating something real for a change. Besides I knew I could handle eating it because after three hours in the oven it comes out so moist and tender. I even whipped up a side of garlic and white cheddar mashed potatoes.

[Editor's note: The liquid diet had a serious impact to my weight not only did I loose the ten pounds I had gained from stopping hormones prior to surgery but lost an additional eight. Which is way too thin for me. Grabbing any extra calories I can get right now is a good thing.]

The totally unexpected part of all this was the calming affect being in the kitchen had. With all the craziness in my head lately it allowed me to let go a bit and just do something that felt...well,for lack of a better term...normal.

Fussing with ingredients, cooking them, tasting, adjusting.

It is amazing the sense of peace being in the kitchen brought to me. Not to mention how yummy everything was later.

[Editors note: Many people who have eaten my cooking usually ask my why I don't do it for a living. Having had worked as a short order cook, and seen the restaurant industry first hand. No thank you, I would loose all the joy I receive in the kitchen.]

Crazy how something like this can allow me to find my center again and help the process of returning things to normal.

Consequences

Recently one of the people I have disclosed to mentioned the following to someone connected to me.

That I wasn't or haven't considered all the consequences of my transition.

Really?

I haven't considered the lost of family or friendships? Maybe face unemployment because I am trans, discrimination or hatred by those that might figure out I wasn't born a woman naturally? All the pain and hurt I have already endured and is still possibly yet to come?

Those are simply the most common ones too. 

I am going to love informing my therapist of this comment. She has heard me discuss my fears ad nauseam. I am fully aware that I might have to reset my entire life to finally have the freedom to be myself. I covered a lot of them myself. She filled in a few I hadn't considered, and between the two of us probably came up with some new ones. 

I spent two years working through that until I felt I was ready to face it. Even while trying to find a way or reason not to transition. Yet I kept coming back to the fact that if I didn't I simply would breakdown from the pressure to be someone else, that I am not. 

Thus this statement greatly insulted me. 

Now I don't know what will actually happen I might have to face every single one of those fears. I might not have had to face any at all (I know that wasn't the case). It is just impossible to predict what you are going to experience for sure or how much.

What causes me to face these is the fact that simply I fear them less then what would happen to me if I don't transition.

I have mentioned before that fear is a very powerful motivator. 

So having experienced glimpses of how much better life could be when I get to be myself 100% of the time. How much more potential I see and feel. Compared to the misery and depression I have to suffer through right now. I feel that I would rather be alive and enjoying my life for once. The fear of not doing so is greater. 

Still the idea that I haven't thought about how transitioning could impact my life irritates me to no end. 

I am already facing some of those consequences and can only wonder at what else will come my way.

That doesn't mean I am stopping or not doing this. 

Thoughts of anything else are simply too bleak.

So that consequence trumps all the others. 

Whispers of the Future

I have had some interesting conversations over the last month or so.

They have all had different view points revolving around the same topic. 

The Future.

One friend who recently went full time was pontificating about how much she now loved living as a woman. Completely enjoying how she now interacted with the world. 

Yet she hit on an issue regarding her future and that she didn't know what to do next now that she had transitioned.

I discovered this to be rather interesting when she told me this. 

It was as if she had spent all this energy to transition and deal with all the issue to finally get to the top of the mountain and look around with only one thought in her head.

"Now what?"

The next conversation was even more interesting. As someone very near and dear to my heart talked about how she is being overwhelmed with the feeling that she has never lived her life. As she starts presenting her self in situations more as herself she is noticing...well...nothing. That she is just being herself, that there isn't any fanfare or parades to announce herself to the world. 

It was weighting heavily on her mind that is was going to take a significant amount of time to reach a point where she could just feel normal all the time, rather than how she feels now, always fighting who she is. 

The secondary concern that she was dealing with; What is normal?

I understand both of these issues, maybe not experiencing them completely for myself but I understand what they are thinking and even to a certain degree feel some of it myself. 

Which then brings me to a third friend whom has been living full time for a little over a year, if I am recalling correctly. She is hard to get in touch with sometimes since she is so busy doing the things she wants to do.
They aren't glamorous or even things most people would be interested in. These are things she simply loves to do and I even applaud her for what some of them are. 

All these situations and conversations brought about a lot of thoughts and feelings. I also did a lot of soul searching sometimes even on the spot. 

It took one of my favorite movies, which I had not seen in quite some time but caught most of it recently, to really put it in perspective with one of the most important lines delivered it in. 

'Carpe Diem'

Or 'Seize the Day'. Just in case you don't know Latin.

Those simple words really got me a thinking.

What grand revelations did I have?

When I am done with the process of transition I know full well that life will not always just come to me. 

I have to go out there and grab it. 

Think about it, isn't that what transitioning is?

Seizing the opportunity to finally be yourself. To take the opportunity to feel free about who you are? 

This isn't handed to you. Every single one of us have had to seize the desire to overcome our fears, social backlash, whatever and just go do it.

We had to.

Not someone else.

Life in general works this way. Those that succeed or accomplish goals they feel are important did so by putting forth the effort. 

The same can be applied to life after transition. 

I imagine there will be a period of time where I am just adjusting to finally living full time. That I understand. Though I do want to finally explore the world as me on my terms. 

Some of the items on my 'todo' list are to leave my home state. 

Really. 

I feel that even though there is a fondness I will always have for my home state. I feel it is just time for a change of scenery. If I wasn't in the middle of transitioning I would move now. The idea is as soon as I can leave here as me I am going to go. It will be after I reach full time possibly after GCS.

I am open to a lot of places I love the eastern seaboard from North Carolina up to Massachusetts or New Hampshire.

Minnesota has always a favorite destination of mine. Along with the Pacific Northwest, notably the greater Seattle area. 

However someone recently place the idea of Denver or some part of Colorado into my head. 

This has rapidly gone to the top of my list of places I would like to live. First I love mountains and the change of seasons. Even better I will have easy access to some fantastic ski resorts that are all within a few hours drive with others being further but again drivable. 

I love this idea. I would be gone many a weekend in the winter enjoying the snow.

I also want to gain the freedom to do the things I want. I would love to join a social club either for singles or mixed. Just a group that loves to arrange events. Theater, dining, movies, music, whatever comes to the area. Even a ski club would be cool.

I also see myself getting more active again. Maybe volleyball or soccer which are some of my favorites. Co-ed or whatever I can find. Who knows what else as long as I am participating as me with some quality people staying fit.

Other things I want to do is decorate my own place. It doesn't have to be big or fancy and I don't need to have it be lavishly decorated. I have a strong arts and crafts background that I wouldn't mind dusting off and using again. Including some artwork ideas I have had floating around in my head that I would like to work on.

Another idea that has been in my head for a while is the idea of building my closet. I read a lot of blog about real every day girls and how they express themselves with clothing and style. I however love the idea that some of them have been working on their closet for years. Collecting clothes from their mothers or family members, thrifting along with shopping the current trends and creating something interesting. I would even love to participate in something like 30 for 30, even if it was just for myself to view and document. 

Clothes have never been important to why I am transitioning. I do however have the strong desire to express myself in outwardly appearing manners. How I decorate a room, my art, cooking or even draped over my body. I have had this sense of style since I was day one that has always been looking for an outlet. It just hardly ever fit who I was trying to be. So quite often it was squelched. 

Which is all part redefining who I am. Allowing who I have always wanted to be to come out and be seen with whatever it is I may want to try. 

Granted a lot of this relies on me successfully transitioning and being able to support myself for the rest of my life. We shall see what this change brings. 

The point though is I want to go out and grab life and experience it as me for myself. Something I have never done before. I am not content to sit back and say what next.

Nope.

I will go out and find it wherever it might be. I am willing to try a lot things once. The only question is did I like it enough to do it again.

So in the end I just hope to finally be able to be me. Then I can go out and life my life as me. Free of the distress and concern of who I had to appear to be. Also normal will be whatever I make it. It is all about finding my place again in the world only this time on my own terms. 

I just know I can't wait for it to come to me. I have to go get it. 

Much as I did to transition.

'Seize the Day.'

Things I Have Learned

Even those that try or want to be supportive aren't always.

That you cannot compare yourself to teenage girls, it just is a point in your life that has past, this is true for any woman.

Fear and doubt might never truly go away.

No matter how sure you are of something the moment you are looking at it can be shocking.

I know what comfort eating is now. Ice Cream has become both my best friend and nemeses. 

The world you know will change. How, is impossible to know, but it will indeed happen.

You can never ever know what someones reaction will be to what you tell them. 

You also cannot un-tell them once you have. 

Being yourself in incredibly important. 

Reaching that goal is the hard part. This is simply the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.

Crying sucks, but sometimes is necessary.

Except when you feel the need to do so while at work. 

Lost time is lost time. You are never going to get it back so the best is not to dwell on it. 

Doing that is harder than it sounds.

I understand why sales mean so much more these days.

Patience is a virtue. When you have to wait for things to happen, grow out or change it will not happen overnight.

At some point you will lose control of things, people who you have told will spread it without your consent eventually. 

As much effort you put into making the best decision inevitably you will always second guess it after it is made.

Chocolate tastes soooooo much better! Especially Dark.

Friends who get what you are going through and are there to listen are the most valuable friends in the world. 

Friends who see you for who you are and like you for that person come in a very close second. 

Finally that I am a girl, more than I ever realized before and I love who I am.

Where Has the Time Gone

I was cleaning up some things in my blog and checking on some settings when I noticed something.

Well, two somethings really.

I first noticed I now have more then 200 posts.

Wow!

On top of that was the fact that my blog is over two years old. My first ever post August 26th, 2008. Even though that first post was just a simple post as I was getting used to the blogging system I was using.

I boggles my mind to know that I have been posting that much and for that long.

I know early on I struggled to find my voice. I felt as if I had to create something people would read.

I am glad I got away from that.

Really it just came down to a place for me to vent out feelings and thoughts. Talk about life and the experiences that come with it.

When I have something to say I just let my creativity loose and hopefully make it entertaining.

I never force a post. That was a hard lesson to learn.

The last thing I noticed is that I had my voice and things to talk about the same time I realized I was going to transition.

The interesting thing about blogs is they allow you to see your progress and that it was almost a full year before I just seemed to burst with things to talk about.

Since then I haven't really shut up either.

This brings me to the last point.

You.

At least those of you reading this. I am astounded to this day that I have people following along and even commenting on things that I talk about. I know I have mentioned it before but I really only started this blog for me to give me a medium to work things out. Almost a type of therapy, if you will.

I never thought anyone would be interested in reading it.

Which in turn has connected me to some amazing people on such a deeper and more personal level. Simply because they read this blog.

Who knew, huh?

Still I thank each and everyone of you even if you don't actually like what I have to say.

I have no idea how my journey will play out or even if I will post indefinitely. I do know for now there a lot to say. So for the time being I will continue.

Yet, even though all this time has past there is still plenty left in the future.

But wow I never envisioned this all those days and posts ago.

Thank you.

Still it is amazing how time flys by.

All Hallows Eve

I love the changing of seasons.

It is one of the best parts about the region I currently live in. 

While Summer and Winter are favorites, I am simply in love with Fall.

Spring around here is generally mushy and cold teasing us with the promise of Summer. It is a nice feeling but it is just not a season I feel I can fully enjoy.

There is something magical about Fall for me. I adore the crispy but not yet cold weather. The amazing collage of colors as the foliage changes. This is something I miss about my parents small second home in the more northern part of the state. The colors were simply amazing in the Fall. 

I can tell you have had so many enjoyable nights recently taking my dogs for late evening walks with a mix of stars, ghostly clouds and a big fat mood glowing in the sky. With just the hint of chill and breeze in the air. 

I am mildly embarrassed to admit it, but walking on nights like this is an amazing aphrodisiac that the right person who came along would so get me in the mood. 

It also brings the month of October which not only has all that but it heralded the start of Hockey season. 

It also includes my favorite holiday.

Halloween. 

Ever since I was a child I have simply loved this holiday. Better still that if fits in perfectly with this time of year. 

I love creepy but not morbid Halloween decorations. A decent haunted house or hayride is always fun. A lot try to do too much, but there are some good ones out there. I love the marathons on TV with haunted locations on the travel channel along with some of the ghost hunter stuff. There are times I can't believe everything but some of them are a lot of fun to watch. 

Whenever I travel I try to find a haunted walking tour of the city I am in, most larger ones have these. If I can ever do that around Halloween I would love it. London has several that tour many of the very famous sites and they do it on Halloween at the witching hour. 

Now I am not a big horror fan. Never have been. I am not a fan of gore and guts. I do like a good creep out or tension scare. Think The Others, the first Halloween movie(only slasher film I have ever liked), The Sixth Sense, The Ring, The Silence of the Lambs.

I also like the fun movies, I can tell you Beetlejuice, The Corpse Bride, Sleepyhollow, and The Nightmare Before Christmas all get watched this time of year. Just something about how Tim Burton does eerie that I like. I am not always a fan of his work either. 

As for the holiday itself I love a good Halloween party I have held them myself in the past. Great costumes, good food, and wonderful decorations. I have even been to a few where the whole house was decked out. 

I do take a little umbrage with the whole skanking out of Halloween it can be fun if done right but I think far too many people take it too far, too often. I prefer someone be creative about it. One year I saw a couple come as a pimp and his hooker. Nothing to out of the ordinary right? Well, the following year the same two came again only this time it was as an undead pimp and his undead hooker. The makeup was great too, very detailed. They actually had planned that the year before but decided to have a twelve month setup. 

I would love to partake in a Zombie Walk, or shuffle if that sound better, one of these years. I am just that kind of girl.

I do not, however, feel that Halloween is a Trans holiday. I know people are going to use it for that and there is nothing more I can say. I just feel that if you are using Halloween as an excuse that the issue is more superficial than what I feel. It has just never been a time of year I felt was important to who I was regarding my gender. 

Call me traditionalist I guess. Halloween has a special place in my heart I love the mysticism with a little bit of creepy and spooky thrown in. 

With that said I still implore every to go out and have fun this Halloween season. Show some creativity and enjoy. Just be safe with whatever it is that you do. 

Happy Haunting!

Dinner with Mom: The Return

I am fairly sure I mentioned that I am now having dinner with my Mom once a month.

Last night was another one of those.

We talked about all types of things, being trans, how I present myself to the world, SCC, my fabulous friend some old and some new.

We even discussed my upcoming FFS surgery.

I am working with a Doctor in Boston to figure out financing options for it right now along with schedule. I have been talking to my boss about extended time off in February (or March) of next year. My goal is to use personal and vacation time so I don't exhaust either completely. As this particular event will require the most time off right now.

So it is mostly up in the air as to when exactly, I am trying to have that settled by the end of October.

My Mom, however told me rather matter of fact, that I will not be going alone. She would pay her airfare and meals, but she was not going to let me be by myself through this.

She was starting to push a bit on certain topics and bringing up some things that probably didn't need to be discussed. Which is when I had to get her off those topics.

I have also been told that my Brother is in the process of moving to a new location. So I am to hold of telling him just yet while they get him moved and resettled. Early November is what we are looking at right now. I was already warned this was coming so it wasn't really a surprise.

We also had to deal with my obnoxious older sister who felt it was necessary to make her presence known with a few texts while I was with Mom. She is always so jealous of the fact that mom likes me better.

(No she isn't my real sister, just my adopted one. She knows who she is and I still love her dearly. The texts were actually super sweet and cute. If a little snotty.)

It was actually kind of nice as my mom read what she wrote along with gave me something to reply with.

Texting is not one of my Mom's strong points.

We talked about my Dad and how it will be a slow process but Mom hopes that once he see who I really am it might open him up a little faster. We don't know, but understand this could take some serious time.

What really surprised me was how much she knew something was going on for years. We really dug into that and I was shocked how much she wanted me to come out with whatever it was that was bothering me. She just didn't see me as happy anymore.

Interesting footnote, I met her for dinner right after work so I was in so called boy mode. I got ma'am the entire time I was with her and mom didn't even flinch.

It was a productive talk and while I still have to be careful with mom, it is nice to have one parent supporting me and willing to talk.

I don't feel so alone anymore.