Publicity

Contrary to popular opinion. (Granted I don't really know who's opinion that would be)

I don't seek or desire attention.

In fact I am a rather private person.

I know you are going to tell me; "But Kelli you have a public blog and write about your trials and tribulations regarding your life."

I understand, but this site was really just started as an outlet for items and issues rolling around in my head.

Which it has been very effective in providing me. I never expected anyone else to actually read these ramblings. I just feel better getting them out.

I just don't actively seek attention.

The need to thrust myself into the public eye and make a spectacle of myself just simply is not there

My friend J noted this recently. As she made mention that I am friendly and polite. Sweet and sociable. Fun loving and adventurous, but I don't force the issue. I am open to meeting new people but I am very cautious as to whom I become friends with. I just don't try to make myself the center of attention.

Nor do I feel the need to participate in events that really are just ego fueled attempts at vanity.

I am just me.

Simple fun loving me.

This plays into the desire to not transition in a very public manner.

I would love to simply disappear for a few months, take care of some to the things I want have done. Then simply come back as me and build my life from there.

Ok, I know life can't be that simple or easy.

Still I think I would prefer to minimize the public facing transition as much as possible. Sans the family and friends.

I just don't feel I need or want to place this process in front of more people then I really need too.

Which really was the topic of discussion in my last post.

It wasn't so much working with and for my friend. If he is accepting and willing to deal with it. I am more then willing to work for him.

I just don't know if I want to be a consultant again visiting all those new people all the time.

I would hate to have to walk around in eight or ten months from now and having to say.

"Hi, I am the engineer formerly known as <insert boy name>"

I understand I will always be trans and that I will have a unique trans history.

I just don't feel I need to broadcast that to the world at large unless I absolutely need to.

Times like this really make me wish I wouldn't have been so afraid to come out years ago. Much of this would already be past me and I would have been working as myself for years.

I have to get over that as I cannot beat myself up over the past and carry those regrets around.

It will be an interesting couple of months as I not only plan to tell him, but I have other friends on the list to disclose to over this summer.

I understand the need for disclosure but that doesn't mean I have to like doing it so much.

To me that is going to generate enough publicity and attention.

I really don't need anymore right now.

Dilemma

Yep, I have got me a good one.

This was something that I was completely not expecting.

It came totally out of nowhere.

It also has fantastically wonderful timing.

Not!

If you have been following along I have mentioned previously I have been doing some side work for a friend.

I have a rather unique and valuable skill set that not many people in the field have.

It generates a lot of interest and I get number of calls from recruiters.

Now this friend that I am working for is a former college. He and I worked together for over four years and have know each other for over thirteen. We really came into the field and that company almost at the same time.

We had some interesting times. Very long days, nights and sometimes they all ran together. As we tried to bail out other engineers or even the companies themselves. We actually became friends through all this.

I however saw the change in management when we were absorbed by a larger company.

And left after four years.

He remained on for several more before going off to a few small integrators, then decided to just do it on his own.

I have worked with him from time to time over the years as I continued to work as a consultant for many more years until just over two years ago.

When I felt I was just burnt out on the lifestyle after twelve plus years.

It also didn't hurt that the opportunity to work where I do now was dropped into my lap.

So I left the mad paced consulting world and took an administrators gig at a rather large office.

I have enjoyed it for the most part, however upper management has shown a rather weak willed approach to maintaining our environment.

I may have mentioned it at one point in time.

Though even with all that there is a great diversity policy and anti discrimination policy here. It is also a strong and stable company. I feel that I stand a very good chance of at least getting through most of my transition without too many issues.

Then hopefully if things were that uncomfortable with co-workers and the immediate department I could at least then move on as myself.

It seemed like a good plan.

Until almost a week ago.

My friend called me the day after we had spent time at one of his customers in the evening.

We had talked about all types of things while I did my thing.

So the next day he was getting some updates to me.

When he shocked me silly.

He offered me a full time job.

...

The rub?

He doesn't know. He is on my list to disclose my function to, but honestly I really was not ready for this one, just yet.

My answer?

I don't know.

I really don't.

Really the idea of transitioning while in front of clients and customers does not seem that appealing to me.

On the other side it is more money and he has a ton of work. He is also one of the very few people who could tempt me back into the consulting realm.

He was on the eve of leaving for a vacation so I begged off that we would talk about it when he gets back. I really didn't want to ruin his trip nor make things difficult for me to finish the projects for him that I have while he is gone.

The major issue is do I disclose to him what my issue is when I do talk to hm about that. So that he isn't hiring me under the pretense of not knowing what I am going to do.

Because as we know I am transitioning.

It is not gonna happen people, it is happening.

I would think he would want to know why I might be turning him down.

The second issue is do I want to subject myself to that scrutiny of trying to transition while constantly in front of all these new people and strangers?

It is truly a quandary.

Thankfully I still have time to think about this one. Well at least the weekend.

He is back on Monday.

I do think I will have to disclose to him what is going on. Let him know that if he wants to hire me I will need time to make some changes. If not I can still work on the side as I do have the rest of this year mostly open. The major transition stuff will happen after the first of the year.

The issue with that is will he still let me work on the side?

Since the money is that good and we all know how expensive transition is.

It just came very unexpectedly right now.

And it isn't like I haven't already had a lot of things on my mind.

Exhale

Well it wasn't good.

But it wasn't that bad either.

I was there earlier they they were, so I got about two hours with the various family members.

However once my parents came I didn't say a word to my Dad.

Nor did he have anything to say to me.

Mom was still supportive though she got a little pushy with certain topics.

It is going to take some effort to reign her in.

Still a major scene was avoided and hopefully no one noticed.

I did however leave shortly after they got there. The tension was too great.

Where it goes from here, I don't know.

All I can do is the best that I can.

*sigh*