Slipping on the Banana Peels

Well wouldn't you know it, in trying to get that long post up I did forget to put something very important in it.

I guess I learned my lesson regarding writing a lengthy post over the course of a week and stringing together  several small topics.

Doesn't mean I won't do it again. :D

What I forgot to mention was something that was said to me during the phone conversation. Of all the things related to me that evening this one phrase stands out among them.

"I got to the point where I no longer feared transitioning as much as I feared what would happen if I didn't."

She didn't elaborate any further but I don't think she needed to. That statement and what it implied was more then enough to convey her point.

That and some things are better left unspoken.

Hard to imagine forgetting that statement but I was quite busy during the course of that week. I also usually put notes in my post as I break from writing them so I don't forget items that were in my head, but might not have actually written down yet.

Deep Thoughts

This post started over a week ago as life has gone on I have found a number of things that fit and would be well worth adding to it. I apologize for the length but these things just seemed to sit well all under this post.

"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend'." - Jack Handey

Sorry I couldn't resist when I came up with the title of this post.

I kinda miss those SNL bits.

The last few weeks have been very interesting. You might recall the story I told you about revealing my function to my hair removal tech.

Add to that all the incidents happening lately where I am being mistaken for a woman. (well it isn't really a mistake, but it isn't like I am trying to present them one)

Attending therapy two weeks ago and being force to go in boy mode. (My face was simply still to raw from the laser session and I have very sensitive skin so I decided to forgo makeup and whatnot. I just didn't want to chance it.)

I didn't get the chance to warn her but that I wasn't going to be my normal self, but she figured it out right quick when she saw me sitting in the waiting area.

Her biggest question was did I go to work like this?

(note: I was in a white turtleneck, bluish purple hoodie, jeans, and outdoor sneakers. We were in the middle of a lot of snow, and work has a casual dress code. I also freeze at my desk so I wanted to be warm.)

"Yes."

"No one has questioned you about your appearance?"

"Nope."

"Really?"

"Honest."

"With the way you look, your mannerisms, your voice...."

I cut her off.

"Oh, well I turn things off or tone it down. wait."

I proceeded to slouch, uncross and spread my legs out, rain my hands in, straightened my shoulders and dropped my voice.

She got a kick out of it, watching me play him for several minutes.

I explained to her I acted like this and just lived behind my humor to get by. Her return comment was, while still kind of me, she did notice how much I shut down to achieve it.

And that Kelli was still bleeding through. Not as much as she thought but still there, but she guessed if you didn't know the truth about me you might not really see it.

After several minutes of that I stopped and relaxed to be myself again. I was informed that Kelli came out much more natural then he did. Though she did appreciate the insight into my daily life. She could not understand the amount of turmoil I am feeling but comprehended that it was there and it had to be enormous.

So those thoughts have been sitting in my mind.

That got followed up with a phone call that...well...was very profound.

Now I have a few friends that I talk to about my function one of them is TS herself. She has been very instrumental in keeping my head from exploding. That and she has become and been a very, very good friend. I can't thank her enough for all that she has done. She simply understands what I am thinking and feeling.

However I had the opportunity recently to talk on the phone with a girl who transition a few years ago. I had read her blog about two years ago. It was tremendous and struck quite the nerve with me. Since she was one of the few people who had not only a good relationship with her parents, she still does. I sent her an email requesting some addition background about her disclosure to them.

I did this since I am on the verge of telling my parents and while I don't know what is going to happen, I wanted whatever advice or information I could get. Not many girls I know still talk to their parents or have any type of relationship with them after. My thinking was she could be a good resource as to issues she encountered, what to say or not to say. Just anything to prepare myself.

Well it turned out she was willing to share but email didn't turn out to be the best communication device. From what I gather she is quite the busy girl these days so after several weeks we agreed to a phone call.

What happened then was one of the most profound conversation I have ever had.

Hearing her story echo mine so closely it felt at times like I was the one on the other end of the phone talking to me.

It was a little freaky at times.

Hearing how she did everything she could to forget it, deny it or suppress it. The paths that she took to deal with it. Everything. I really felt like she was telling me my story.

It was very confirming and while there is always a connection with other Trans girls, and understanding of what is happening in our head. Our paths can generally be really different. Yet here was someone who did it almost exactly like I had.

Listening to her tell me about her life now I could hear how much better she felt about herself, her life, and who she know was. She didn't say it directly, but you could hear it in the stories she told and the way she said things.

This all gave me a renewed sense of purpose. As if I am not crazy that I feel this way and that it can actually be done and I will be better for it.

The experience was extraordinary, she was simply amazing to listen and talk to, charming, funny, candid and very honest.

She might never know this but after I hung I sat on the couch for quite a few minutes letting the whole experience sink in. I even was a little teary over all of it, but happy at the same time.

Following that I read this.

Very sage words that could be read by anyone. I know they touched me.

Lastly I was out this last weekend. While out I ran into a couple of people from my old support group. I haven't seen them in about eight or nine months. I really was just finding the group depressing and honestly felt out of place. Hard to explain.

But I digress, the two I ran into were a few that I did like. One of them a FTM (I will call him C) he and I started talking, caught up about what we have done, how life was going. He was in a jeans and sport coat look. I thought he was looking rather snappy if I do say so. (He is very cute btw.) I mentioned this to him and he told me he had attended a theater event at the local art museum earlier in the evening. So he felt the need to style it up a bit. I chuckled only because you could kinda hear how proud he was in his voice.  But I did tell him that I thought he looked really good and quite handsome.

It was good to see him again and I had a lot of fun, we were even out on the dance floor for a few songs.

Near the end of the night we were chatting again I told him it was really nice to see him again. He responded in kind and followed up with some words that have been ringing in my head ever since.

"By the way, you look really happy now."

To this day it astounds me how intensely some else's words can resonate within One's self.

Ghosts of Transitions Past

As I have mentioned I've been trying to blog but haven't been able to adequately put my thoughts into words.

Or at least words that I felt reflected what I have been thinking or feeling.

Not that I haven't been trying.

But as you know I don't have an infinite number of monkeys and typewriters.

I have however been reading a lot of other blogs. More so then usual.

One thing that has settled in my mind is regret.

Do I have regret?

Of course. Someone once said "Someone who has gone through life with no regret has not lived."

There is some truth to that.

Now I know I have regret. Regret I that I didn't take the opportunity to speak up when I was younger and had the chance.

Regret that it took me so long to figure all this out.

Regret that I have made some of the decisions that I have that now impact my ability to move forward.

Or at least slow me down.

There is a lot I could say about this. I could lament and whine about this for the next several sentences or even posts.

However I won't.

I cannot do that to myself. All I would be doing is beating myself up over the things I have or have not done.

There is nothing good that can come from that. I have enough issues to deal with as I get closer to going full time. Than to sit here and kick myself for not acting upon this sooner.

Sometimes we take a longer road on our journeys in life, where others seem to manage to traverse a shorter path.

One reason I don't let the regret get to me so much is I feel that there might be a reason why it took me this long to get to this point. Maybe I needed this much time to actually feel ready with what I am about to undertake and how I am going to change my life.

Maybe I had to try and live the other way just to know it wasn't truly ever me.

Now am I truly ready? I don't know but I am as ready as I will ever be. Of that fact I am confident.

I am comfortable with that.

Look at the fact that I am 35 years old. I am certainly not the oldest person to transition and also not the youngest. I just am at this point where it is my time for this to happen.

The past is the past it is unchangeable, all I can do is look forward to a future where I am living as me on my own terms. It is the knowledge that I am moving towards that point that allows me to sleep at night.

It also comforts me at time when I feel I am not moving forward fast enough. At least I know that I am moving forward. Even if it feels slowly at times.

There is the conscious thought that I will have additional regret as I move forward. Not so much in regards to transition itself. I am pretty damn sure I won't ever regret transitioning. I have this inkling that I might have some regret regarding others around me. The potential loss of friends and family. And what effect my disclosure of my function will have on them.

I come to realize that I am going to swing a large wrecking ball through life as I know it. Things are going to change not only with me, but around me.

Not to mention being fully aware that I might not tell people in the best manner or with enough thought as to whom I am telling it to. I might not always handle as well as I should. This could be especially true early on as I figure out how to tell it.

And while I may regret the loss of some I also know I will gain others. Which will help temper the pain of those loses.

No one said it was going to be easy or regret free. All I can do is move forward as myself and deal with things as the come.