On the head!

Sometimes, somewhere, something comes along and strikes you right between the eyes. Something that puts into words actions or deeds that fit right into what you are thinking but can't seem to equate that into words.

This morning I read the following words and they couldn't have rung more true. I have spent almost 34 years doing exactly this.

"Once created, physically male gender folk live in their male role — a 3-D personality with its own goals, likes and dislikes, values, hobbies, etc. Although indistinguishable from the "real thing," it isn't themselves. It is an artificial creation for them to be able to fit in. This is achieved at the expense of denying, locking away, their natural female self. (See Brain Gender and Brain Sex.) Their desire to be "normal" has denied them their natural selves. But, as the nagging reality of the deception becomes harder and harder to suppress, one has to express their true gender somehow, in some way."

It is going to be a long day...

Option #3

I know I am behind on getting these out, but maybe that might actually have been a good thing. Why? I think I have an even clearer view of them now then I did before.

Option #4 hasn't changed. It is the 500lbs gorilla in the room and I feel it always will be. I simply have to acknowledge that it is there lest I forget.

As for number #3?

Well, that would be the status quo.

To a point.

Right now I feel I am living #2, time spent between two different halves of my life.

Number three would entail just being him. Going full time, so to speak, and leaving her behind.

This would be the only way I could possible succeed with this. I would have to hope that I can fully, completely and utterly bury that part of myself.

I know this sounds harsh, but what choice would I have otherwise.

I simply don't see it.

I'd go about changing the things I have already changed. Letting my body hair grow back out. Not that I had much to begin with. (Never mind due to an unfortunate incident I have a severe revulsion to it) Cutting the hair on my head short again. I've been growing it out for a year and half. Though you must know that I kept a hair cut that would make the military proud for many years. Now I might not go that short again, I would however shorten it considerably.

I also would get rid of my wardrobe.

Anything that would remind me of the fact that I am not living in the right gender.

One thing to note is while I have never 'hated' being a guy. I never felt very comfortable with it. Like I was always putting on a act just because I didn't know how to be myself in the container nature chose for me. Hence the whole reason I am where I am at now in my life.

Trying to figure it all out.

I have tried to except what was fated to me. But the longer I go on the harder it gets.

Now there are some advantages to this life. I have a good job, a place to live, some good friends. I can enjoy some of the fruits of my labor. I even have a spouse who cares about me. These are not such bad things to have.

But when it all boils down to it, is this really me or is it the facade I have built for myself?

I worry about this option because of what I now know and feel. I worry that if I enact this option I might not be able to handle it. While I feel strong mentally right now, I do think I am just holding it together. Something might cause it to all tumble down. Maybe not in the near future, but sometime. And this is why I must remember option #4.

It could end up being the option I choose in the long run should I have issues with the wrong option.

My biggest fear if I do this option is that somewhere down the road I won't be able to anymore. Who knows what will happen then.

Can I really continue to live this way or is it a disaster waiting to happen.

Ahh the questions of life. They are never easy are they.

In the strangest of places

I haven't said much about this in the past, but I am a huge music nut. I listen to just about anything from Rock to Pop, Classical to Metal, Alternative, Jazz, Blues, Grunge, Funk, Electronic, and Rap. My current soup de jour is Electronic/Breakbeat/Mashups.

About the only thing I don't listen to is Country. I don't know I just can't get into it. Though I will admit to liking Johnny Cash.

But music has never influenced me. There are songs that I connect with and sometimes very strongly. Van Halen's 'Right Now' remains to this day my favorite song. Period. Listen to it and you might understand why. But I never 'lived' the lifestyle as so many are wont to do. I didn't dress like a burnout, I didn't dress like a white pretending he was black, or anything else. I was hiding among the crowd so I just didn't try to draw attention to myself. Cause when I did, boy did I ever. Blend into the background was goal.

I guess I just never felt the need to act or dress like the artist I was listening to. I just listened to them to enjoy the music.

However in playing around with finally cleaning up my digital music collection, re-encoding my entire CD library. I have been running through songs, while very familiar, I might not have listen too very much recently.

During this I ran into some lyrics that jumped out and surprised me from places I wouldn't expect them.

Such as the following:

"There's no fessing or guessing while I'm expressing myself
It's crazy to see people be
what society wants them to be, but not me"

Considering some of the things running through my head lately about everything, this line stuck in the back of my mind. It had been a long time since I listen to this song. In fact it has been rolling around in there for the last two weeks ever since I heard the line again. Almost becoming a Mantra of sorts, especially when you consider the song's message in general. It's more political though the rest of it but has a basic message.

Who is it?

Express Yourself by N.W.A.

Yeah, I kid you not.

And as wild as that one is I don't think that one compares to the next one. I'm only going to use the verses for this song the Chorus doesn't quite fit what I have been thinking lately. But the general lyrics just totally hit me in the head when I heard them again.

"If I could have my wasted days back
Would I use them to get back on track?
Stop to warm at karmas burning
Or look ahead, but keep on turning?

Do I have the strength
To know how I'll go?
Can I find it inside
To deal with what I shouldn't know?

Could I have my wasted days back
Would I use them to get back on track?"

[Chorus]

I've worn out always being afraid
An endless stream of fear that I've made
Treading water full of worry
This frantic tick tick talk of hurry

Do I have the strength
To know how I'll go?
Can I find it inside
To deal with what I shouldn't know

Worn out always being afraid
An endless stream of fear that I've made

You live it or lie it!"

I almost wanted to cry as I was listening to this song. For me it rang so true with where I am at in my life right now it is almost scary. I felt like I was the one who wrote this song. It is every feeling that has been going through my head the last year and a half.

Now I bet you are wondering who it is.

I'll give you a moment to think about it.

Still don't know?

Frantic - Metallica

I know, get out! I just never imagined something like that from that source. It boggles the mind sometimes.

Amazing what you will find in your music collect when you are simply playing them alphabetically in order!