Sweeping the Ashes

 “Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." - Gilda Radner

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” - Marilyn Monroe

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” - Anaïs Nin

Rather interesting quotes.

In light of current developments they are quite apropos.

I have had some good experiences lately.

Some of them have been great, even amazing. Life can do that when you are actually able to live it.

However I feel it is important to point out that it is a double edged sword. While life can be amazing and spectacular. It can also be trying and miserable.

Life is going to always throw shit at you, how you handle it defines your character.

I should probably get to the point of this post. Simply put, there are going to be times where you can do nothing about something other than be sad.

No, no one has died.

I simply find myself a single girl these days.

For those that have missed it I have been dating for a little over a year and a half. Twenty Months?

Recently I decided to end it.

Why?

It was not working for me.

What makes it most interesting was not how I was generally being treated. The boy had come into my life and charmed me silly. During a period of time in my life that I absolutely did not want to date.

Full time was rather new to me and he appreciated my company so much that he refused to allow me to use my Trans status as a crutch to limit myself. I grew so much as a person and very likely accelerated getting over my Trans hangups.

There were two problems though.

First,

I have commitment issues. I will not deny this and I still have a long way to go to resolving them. My prior relationship had turned toxic, then bottomed out at the end. It left me rather deeply emotionally scarred. I know why some of it happened. I will take the blame for things I did. It just never was a healthy relationship and I often felt like as soon as I entered it I was told what to do and when.

Regardless that is a story I will not delve into out of respect for those involved.

Suffice it to say, I was still left with the aftermath.

Couple that with the emotional trauma of transition and I will freely admit I was not always in the best place mentally.

Which had me in a no dating position when I met him.

He managed to get me to change my mind about that.

Still a year later when he wanted to move in together. I ended up having a complete panic attack{link?}.

It was not him it was me. I was and still am too scared to do it.

I need more time to deal with that.

There was also the issue that I knew what he wanted. I knew not that long into it. He had felt he had met the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Without a shadow of a doubt. It was so obvious that not only did I know it, others did.

Many of my friend who had met him would go on to tell me later something similar to the follow:

"It is obvious that boy adores you."

This added to the growing pressure I felt in the situation.

There were a few moments that I put my foot down. I had to point out that even though I had grown as a person. I still had old wounds and emotional scars that were not going to be easily healed. I begged for a slow down in some things. Asked him not to mention others. It was an attempt to allow me to adjust while giving me time to deal with my fears.

Still the pressure was always there. His family often already assumed we were engaged and what not.

It had grown to be too much no matter how hard I tried to prevent it.

In addition to all this we lost the ability to communicate effectively. I think some of my fears and outside pressure had me getting defensive again. I often felt I had to be crisp to shut down or cut off certain ideas before they gained traction. It also did not help that he is still very young. He has a wisdom beyond his years but his maturity did not always match up.

All of this lead to more and more arguments or feeling of bitterness from both sides.

It finally reached a break point and I discussed things with him, found I was getting nowhere. Frustrated and hurt I decided I needed to walk away so that I could catch my breath.

Thus I ended it.

I do not think that it would be that hard to figure out that it did not go well.

One would think that with Thirty-nine years of life and wisdom of the past to draw upon, that a situation like this could be handled better.

It was not.

I know I broke his heart. I am not proud of myself for it. I will have to live with the guilt and pain of it for quite sometime.

I also knew that I needed some time, pressure free, to be myself. To relax and enjoy life. I have learned and gained so much, with a lot of help from him. Yet I just need to spend some time living life free of anything but death and taxes as they say.

I do miss him. I cannot say that I do not. It still has been such a relief for me that I know it was the right decision.

I often said he might have been the right person, just at the wrong time.

The reason I am telling you this story is for a number of reasons.

First life can be difficult. Trans or not. As much as I have been happy post transition there is still fallout, hurt and shitty things life throws at you to deal with. It is not all rainbows and puppies.

Sometimes things simply suck and you have to deal with them. It is not always total bliss.

I also know that I have issues still inside to work out. Most of these are the type that take time. I have talked to my therapist about them we have discussed them, but these are deep and will take a lot of work.

I would never go back to who I was, but I am still adjusting to who I am now. It has been wondrous and interesting.

And sometimes it is a bitch.

In & Out

An interesting comment was made on my blog after this post.

The general perception was that one should not tell others they are Trans and that individuals that do this are making a dire mistake.

Bad things would happen. Fire and Brimstone! Dogs and cats living together! MASS HYSTERIA!!!

Feh.

Honestly, this may or may not be true.

I make this statement because each transition is different. While often similar in steps we all have different issues within our own transition that makes each situation unique.

For me, while in transition, I told and explained what was happening with me to those I felt were involved in my life.

I had some walk away and I had others surprise me with unwavering support to this day.

It is, I feel, important to get as many people to stand with you as is possible. If I had to do it alone I would have but having the extra support was priceless.

The rub is what to do post full time.

Well....I think that is up to you and what you feel you are willing to do.

For me there are a few groups that will always get told.

First and foremost is Doctors. This I feel is of utmost importance. They are going to have to know that I am trans to take into account certain things while treating me. Honestly this is a no brainer and a must for any trans person pre, post, or whatever. Otherwise you could be taking a risk with you health.

This was the reason I had to explain to the pharmacist what was up.{Link} He is a new one for me since I moved.

Next would be old friends. People, who in some cases I have known since childhood or often since high school.

Most of these people have re-entered my life and have been extremely supportive.

And I quote:

Rogue: "Yes I have missed you and your smile. We have had some great times and I am glad we can now have more!"

Scholar: "Kelli-kins, I am glad you are back in my life. You are good people."

Professor: "Really it is just a different version of you, much happier I might add. Besides you will always be a friend."

Ginger: "I does not matter, you are happy and I have never seen you so happy!"

Pixie: "Lean on your friends- we all love having you around."

None of these people have bothered to tell anyone else they have introduced me to anything about my past. I am simply their friend Kelli. Sometimes quirky, sometimes snarky, but always fun and welcome.

In fact Ringo(The nickname he already had), Trinity(if you knew her you would know why the character from The Matrix fits), Edison, Trinity's husband(who is an electrician, but I have way too much respect for Tesla to use him as a nickname),  Critic(what we do not go through with him to pick movies), Kaylee(nicknamed for her favorite Firefly character), have given me a standing invite to Wednesday night dinners at Ringo's home. We enjoy dinner and some TV or a movie. Always fun and yummy.

Ringo actually said this to me: "We had a good idea we liked you because you like to game. Now we are finding out that you like a lot of the same movies and shows we watch too."

Trinity is almost my doppelganger, crazy how we grew up geeking out on a lot of the same things and sharing similar interest growing up. We have been talking more and more because it can be so hard to find a kindred spirit.

There are also my new roommates Bonnie and Clyde who have told me straight up they loving having me as a roommate.

My new employer has not been told except for my HR rep and HR department head. They had no issues with it and were happy to have my on board. Everyone else takes me as is. There is more coming is a larger post that I have been working on so I will save it for that.

Lastly is extend friends and family, most of them knew me since I was little. Sometimes from day one. I see them from time to time. My parents have stayed in close touch with them many of them. Of course they are going to ask my parents how their kids are doing.

To which I have given my mother cart blanch to discuss with them. She has been so proud of the person I have become. I also know it is not easy for her to share it with everyone but she does anyway. Many of these people she has brought up to speed regarding my function have expressed a lot of support to my mother. More so after some of them have met me in person.

Others have expressed an interest in getting a chance to meet me.

My extended family has been even better totally taking it in stride to the point they have been making sure that I am in the loop on family events.

I am perfectly fine with all this. People have been extremely supportive and my status as a Trans Woman does not come up after the initial telling.

I cannot say that this will work for everyone. If you are planning or have transitioned it may be better for you to not spread the word as much. I cannot say for sure it will be up to you to decided what you should do.

All I can tell you is my policy. Which is basically new people do not get told the old ones can be.

That is my story and I am sticking to it.

Moving on Up

The last few years have been interesting for a number of reasons. One thing that I have experienced has nothing to with Gender.

It has to do with relocation.

The reason why is I have moved twice in less then two years.

Sixteen months to be exact.

Prior to this I had moved twice in thirty-seven years.

I mean my parents moved into the house I grew up in three months before I was born. We moved out three months shy of my twentieth birthday.

Five years after that I moved out of that house and into where I would live for the next twelve years.

Thus moving was not a common occurrence in my life. Say as some Military brats or more nomadic people might have experienced.

I will say that it has allowed for some unique learning experiences in that time.

First living with my cousin {link?} who happily opened up her spare room to me last year. To the dynamic duo who are renting a part of their house to me here in Ann Arbor.

Bonnie and Clyde, as I will refer to them(Okay they are not THAT notorious but they are a ton of fun.), have been wonderful slum lords (total joke) and fantastic roommates. Often having a lot of fun with me since I am ten and eight years their senior.

Recently I mentioned I was going to be away one weekend since I had to travel to another part of the state for a family holiday gathering, then over to my parents to make cookies with my mom for the holidays.

immediately the comments came flying.

"What? You are going to be gone this weekend? Who gave you approval for this?"

"We need names and phone numbers of where you will be!"

"Have we met their parents?"

"We need to approve of everyone you will be hanging out with!"

"You are not going anywhere until you clean that room!"

All said with a glint in their eye. Which prompted a good laugh in the kitchen.

They have been wonderfully welcoming and extremely nice to me.

My favorite was what happened in early December.

I was sitting at the table in the dinning room writing out my Christmas Cards. When Bonnie walked into the room.

"Hey Kelli."

"Yes?"

"I am having a few of my lady friends over this coming Saturday night. We will have snacks, xmas movies, mulled wine. Would you like to come? I would love to have you if you have no other plans."

My day that Saturday was insanely packed but I knew I ultimately was going to be home around 9pm.

"What time are you starting?"

"Oh we will start around eight but anytime after is fine."

I explained my day to her but told her I should be home by 9pm. As it seems these days everyone is booking things all on the same day.

"Great I will see you then."

So what happened?

Well. I got to meet an incredible group of women you hailed from all corners of the country who all happen to be living in Michigan at this time. We had a southern belle, Minnesotan, two from Maine, One from upstate NY, another from northern Michigan. I forget where everyone else was from.

I had a great time sharing stories and listening to all the interesting things said in the 'knitting' circle. In fact it is not often I laugh that hard with a group of people. They compare with the Cabin crowd in that regards.

The amazing part was telling my stories, sharing things I have done and laughing about the silly things men do. Seriously if you had watch my previous relationship it would make total sense in regards to roles. So flipping the gender at times is all I need to do.

It was an empowering and gratifying experience. I thanked Bonnie the next day when I saw her downstairs. As I had gone to bed the earliest, mostly because I had been on the run all day.

She in turned thanked me for coming. She mentioned that she and Clyde really have enjoyed having me in the house and she was glad I enjoyed myself as much as I did.

It was a different environment than my usual geekier friends. Who are totally un-ashamed to have fun even at their own expense. Not to mention have a deeper interest in some of the same things I do.

Still this was something I had been craving. Just a group of women letting their hair down and being themselves. It reminded me of when I kept trying to do this during my middle and high school years but always felt I was being left out or worse pushed out.

It was carthic, empowering and energizing.

I cannot wait to do it again!

I am so glad I met those two and took the risk to rent their upstairs from them. I am even happier that they were willing to let me do so. No I have not told them I am Trans the need to just has not come up. It is not like I purposely hid it. I just do not feel the need to announce it to EVERYONE!!

I have definitely enjoyed this move.