Merry Christmas

The History of Kelli Part V - In the increasingly inaccurately named trilogy.

Hopefully some of you get that.

If not...well then the number 42 doesn't mean anything to you either.

Just don't complain to me when your house is about to be demolished to make way for an interstate highway.

;)

So I left HS behind, left the idea of being a girl behind. I buried it. Deep. I figured that since I didn't know I could be a girl or there was even such as thing as SRS and HRT, it was in my best interest to be what I was born as. Considering I had done a pretty good job in my formative school years of convincing everyone of who I was, I went with that. It wasn't too hard college and work kept me plenty busy. Factor in the fact that I was unceremoniously moved to a new house shortly after starting. I spent a lot of time in the car now driving everywhere and I do me a lot of time and everywhere. Nothing was convenient or close anymore.

Lets also cover the fact that I didn't 'hate' being a guy. I just never felt it was truly me. It allowed me to do somethings where I know if I was a girl I would have heard. "Why would you want to do that? Your a girl!" (I guess looking back on it I did my best to try and accept what I had and deny what I couldn't be.)

However, my time was effectively occupied. Not that I didn't think about it but I was far to busy to invest any time into it.

Then it happened.

I fell in love.

I met a girl whom I connected with. Didn't feel awkward around and after a slow start we became an item. It even developed into a physical relationship. Now she was a little younger than me. I met her during her senior year in HS and I had been out for a few years. (Recall I was put in a year early so, she was only 3 years younger then I was.)

But it work, I thought this was it. I was head over heels and had the intellectually/intimate relationship I wanted.

Kelli disappeared.

I didn't think it was possible.

For three years with school, work, relationship, not to mention traveling daily, in the way. I felt I was free of the torment. It is possible that I just fell into the trap of out of sight out of mind. I tried to tell myself I could live as a man and be happy. For a while I was.

My relationship grew into a engagement. My career started to take off. Here I was living somewhat happily.

Then it all came crashing down. Five months away from being married, the relationship crashed.

I think part of it was placing my expectations of what I expected a woman to be. Because I know how I wanted to be. Though I did do this subconsciously. The other part would be due to her co-dependancy on someone to take care of her. Thus pushing her seek another man. Not to mention that she was at a point with no direction in her life along with being depressed about that. Sometimes you want to help a person but you just don't know what/how to do that for them.

Remember I was still traveling a lot so I couldn't always be 'there' when she needed me to be. So it all collapsed.

It was at this point Kelli popped back into my head. Very slowly at first but gradually gaining momentum. There finally was some space in my head for her to slip back into rather then everything else filling it all up.

My answer to this was to do everything I could to ignore it. I threw myself into meeting new people. I found new activities to occupy my time. Whatever I could do to keep my mind off the feelings and thoughts that were returning.

I just didn't think that thinking that way could work for me so I did whatever I could to hide/bury/run away from those thoughts.

Including finding another relationship.

Don't you just love cliffhangers?

The History of Kelli - Episode IV

So where was I? Is there such a things a GPS for a blog?

Alrighty, now to pickup where our intrepid hero left off. I am entering the Junior year of my HS career. Almost no friends to speak of, trying to figure out who I am.

(I should note that due to having been born with enlarged tonsils, having a late birthday in the year. My parents had the option to put me in early figuring that if I got sick and got held back because of missing to much school, I could still graduate reasonably on time the next year. Low and behold I never got another throat infection until after I graduated. So I was always younger then my immediate peers.)

I did manage however. I started hanging out with a new group of friends shortly after the school year started. But they were guys. And guys, guys at that. Crude, funny, but loyal and non judgmental. Seriously it was a very diverse group of people. But no one judged or complained. Most of them had known each other much longer and didn't care what anyone thought of them or the members of the group. They just were.

So I'd let some of my snarky side out and be a little over the top and I fell right into place.

But again they were men. I didn't know what else to do. I still talked to a quite a few girls. Was good friend with a few. Now however you are throwing testosterone into the mix. I always felt at home with girls, but now my brain is trying to tell me I should be attracted to them too. Which didn't make any of this any easier. Also my beard is now starting to show. I hated it, I always have disliked shaving and to this day think I look better with a hairless face. Mix in the fact that my beard is very patchy, as in even when I tried to make a go of it, it has bald spots, thus looking terrible. *sigh*

Back to girls, the hard thing was trying to date them. Really it was always awkward and I felt like I was always trying to ask my sister out. Lets just say my dating career during HS did not go smoothly or even had much success. Again meeting and becoming friends was a no brainer. It happened quite easily and felt natural. Trying to ask one out since my second brain was telling me that I should...I failed, almost always.

I did manage, I tried to make a go of it for a while, stuck to the guy stuff. (Again, I would say I had one foot firmly on both sides of the fence. I do know, looking back, that I would have preferred being on the girls side, being the tomboy from time to time. Rather then what I was.) Did my best to curtail the crossdressing exploration, sometimes doing well, sometimes not.

Forcing my way to the end of my time there. It was a good time overall. I have a lot of fond memories of the people and times. But still, overall, I felt out of place and confused about myself. As I look back I was fooling everyone else enough to fool myself that I was happy. When really, I probably wasn't.

After getting out before I started college I had a chance to really go all out. I spent money on my own clothes, spending a couple of weeks home alone after work being a girl. And I went all out. Head to toe I bought it all. When I got home from work, girl time, until I had to go to work in the morning. Most of my friends probably wondered where I was since I didn't tell them anything and I didn't go out much. I, of course, didn't go out at all since I was terrified. I did have a great time, loving every minute I got to be a girl.

At the end of that time I looked at myself hard in the mirror. Told myself I couldn't be this way. That I could not keep the clothes, and that there was nothing I could do about being the girl I wanted to be. I was stuck being a guy. This was really the only purge I ever did. All of it went and I did my best to forget about it. Starting college, working full time, moving, all took up my time in massive amounts.

The girl faded into the background. I even felt she was gone all together.

Or so I thought.

But that is another story.

...to be continued.