My Idol

This post has nothing to do with that television show.

At SCC this fall I had the chance to sit in on a seminar of someone who's book I read.

She was incredible. She was so open, honest and sincere not to mention down to earth and funny. Just sitting there listening to her was simply amazing. Not to mention it lent so much to the words in her book. That not only did those words touch me so deeply, but the person who wrote them was real. It made those words sink in even more.

On top of that she gave me a few minutes before lunch to sign my copy of her book and chat with me for a few minutes. Just those few minutes had a profound effect on me.

Now I have a long way to go, but if I ever get through this and come out on the other side relatively in one piece. I hope to pay her kindness forward. I might never be the public figure and activist that she is, but if I can show my support to others by being as kind and generous with my time as she was to me. Well that will be enough for me. I think we all need that at sometime, a big sister (or brother depending on your situation) to look up to.

I might never get to know her personally but her example inspired me and that is why today I say she is my idol. The trans community needs more people like her.

So now, if you haven't done so already, you should get to know more about Donna Rose. I also highly recommend her book and blog

On the off chance that she read this, thank you Donna. You gave me renewed hope and energy.

Finding Kelli

So this October I took a big step. Well at least a big step for me.

In my journey to figure myself out I decided to attend SCC. (For those that don't know it is the largest transgendered conference in the US. It takes place every year around the end of September or Early October. You can find more about it here: www.sccatl.org)

I arrived late Wednesday and did not leave until early Sunday morning. After getting to the hotel and spending a few minutes unpacking while waiting for room service (I was hungry ok). The next 81 hours were spent as me. Eat, Sleep, Conference, Mall. I spent it as who I truly think I am.

So what did I find?

Well for one thing I didn't mind the routine. I got up, got ready, got dressed, went down stair for a quick bite, then off to where ever I was going. Not once did I think about my gender, I just simply was. It didn't matter that as a girl I had more to do, I never got tired of it. I am not quite sure how to explain it.

On top of that I just existed. I didn't feel the dysphoria, I didn't feel out of place. I didn't feel at war with myself to be something I am not.

The worst part of the trip was Sunday morning. No it wasn't packing the clothes away. This has never been about the clothes. Maybe when I was much younger I thought it was (or at least tried to pass off the feelings I had as such). But packing wasn't the issue.

No, it was the moment I realize I was going to have to do that final clean up, hit the shower and present the world with the person it expects to see. I felt like I was about to amputate one of my limbs. Morbid I know, but it is the best analogy I can think of. I sat in the big lounge chair in my room for 40 minutes, trying to come to terms with this and put the girl away. It wasn't easy.

The most interesting thing I had happen to me, was regarding all the people who asked me how far along I was in my transition. A lot of eyebrows shot up when I surprised them by saying I hadn't started and that I was still figuring it all out. Seriously, I got this from other trans, natal and everyone in between.

I am giving myself some time since the trip to come down off the cloud, to allow for some reality to sink in, before I rush any decisions. I am however finding that my dysphoria is even harder to deal with now. I am realizing more and more I just want to be me even though much of society might think I am crazy/wrong/sinning/whatever for feeling this way.

I will say this before I close this post. I did meet a number of wonderful people and simply had one of the best times of my life. I certainly intend to return next year.

Me, Myself, and I

So if anyone has been reading this blog you have been probably wondering. Who am I?

Good question.

I am a 33 year old trying to figure herself out. Now that is the interesting part. No, not the age. The 'her' part.

You see I am not exactly a her. While genetically being born a him I have known since a very early age I was different. Took me a while to figure it out. Try to deal with it and eventually come to terms with it.

And that is where I am at now.

I spent years trying to suppress the emotions, thoughts and desires that I had. To live my life as people and society expected of me. Only to come to the realization that I was fighting a losing battle. The flood waters kept rising so to speak. So now I am at this point in my life were I am questioning everything. Who I am, who I want to be, how I am going to get there.

I will point out that earlier this year I started seeing a therapist and working all this that is inside my head out. If I intend to do what I am thinking about I want to make sure, I myself, am prepared for it. I need to get my head on right before I start telling others and setting the transition ball in motion. Because if you are not careful or ready that ball can run you over.

Where will I end up, I don't know. There are things to still work out and settle in my head before I move on. Though I feel something will happen soon.

There is a lot to cover and I hope to put up more as I go along and thoughts come to my head.